Matthias.
Despite Rhys’s advice, I agreed when Jamie told me to meet at his house. I guess it’s better than having a bunch of witnesses if he does nothing but yell at me the whole time. Not that I would blame him. It’s the least I deserve.
I wish that Neil was able to come with me, but that would be fucking hard to explain. The last thing I want is for Jamie to be upset with Neil. I don’t know how I’m going to spin it but I’ll try my best to make sure Jamie knows that Neil has nothing to do with anything.
Alex opens the door and I’m thankful that he doesn’t try to pretend that everything is okay.
“Come in, he’s in the living room. He’s been on the phone with Rhys all morning, so it’s not as bad as it could be.”
I don’t say anything because what could I say besides sorry? As much as I want—need—to make this right, I’m hurting them all in the process, that’s a heavy pill to swallow.
Jamie’s sitting on one of the sofas, phone in hand, when I walk in the room. Alex is close behind and says, “do you want me to stay?”
Jamie shakes his head, “this is between me and him. Go to work, Lex. I’ll call you after.”
Alex moves around me and leans down to kiss my brother. I have to look away because it’s too private for me to witness. “I love you, James. I’ll be here if you need me to.”
“I know. I love you too. I’ll be fine. Promise.”
“Your delicate sensibilities are safe now,” Jamie spits.
This is off to a great start. Alex tries to give me a reassuring look as he leaves but fails miserably.
“This better be fucking good. I left the new girl alone for walk-ins. Neil is more than capable on his own but Rhys and I are still worried about Kelly.”
I know all of this already, but I can’t tell him that. I clear my throat and fidget. I’m not sure where to start so I just go for honesty and hope like hell that he believes me.
“I don’t expect your forgiveness, but I have to tell you how sorry I am. I hurt you. Both you and Alex and I can’t make up for that. All I can do is tell you how much I regret it and how much I hate myself for it.”
“Why should I believe anything you have to say? Actions speak louder than words, Matthias, and all your actions show that you’re a hateful piece of shit.”
“Why am I here then?” I ask. “If you hate me so much why am I here?”
“Because my best friend and husband seem to think that you’re worth hearing out. Something about how you wouldn’t be reaching out if you weren’t serious. And…” he looks away, “sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to have my brother in my life.
“I spend a lot of time with Lex’s sisters. The Brenemans have always accepted me. Treated me like one of their own. As much as I consider them family...there’s something about having a blood relative that appeals to me. Call me sentimental.”
Tears form in my eyes and I don’t hide them. Gingerly, I take a seat on a chair. “I know I can’t do anything but apologize and hope that one day you realize that I mean it. I don’t want forgiveness because I can’t ever forgive myself for what I did to you. But I want a chance, if to not be in your life, then to just tell you that I know what I did and I’m trying to better myself.”
Jamie doesn’t say anything, but he does look at me. His light brown eyes are hard and untrusting and as much as it hurts I can’t blame him. If he wasn’t acting like this towards me I would be worried.
Running a hand through my hair I take a breath and try to figure out how to say all that I need to. “I quit my job a week and a half ago. It was making me miserable and I finally know what happiness looks like so I couldn’t stay there any longer. I stopped taking Marta’s calls. She’s pissed enough to show up at my apartment herself. It worries me that she’ll try the same to you.
“I...I met someone. And I care for them. Maybe even more than that but I know I don’t deserve it so I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to say anything. I’m not like you.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’m not brave. I’ve always been jealous of you for that, you know. You always knew who you were and went after what you want. Despite the fact that your family treated you like shit for it. I hated that I couldn’t be like that.
“I admire the hell out of you, Jamie. You don’t have to believe me. It’s true though. I'll never be as brave as you but I want to be. I’m trying to be.”
“You’re right.” He leans forward. “You’re a fucking coward. I was a fucking kid, Matthias, and you ruined me. You let Marta ruin me. And for what? I didn’t do shit to you. My whole fucking life you treated me like shit.
“I understand that you were the oldest. You were Marta’s favorite verbal punching bag, but that didn’t mean you had to make me yours. We should have worked together. You’re not the only one she treated horribly.”
“I’m sorry,” I cry. “All I can say is that I regret every single thing that happened. I didn’t protect you like I should have. I hurt you over and over because I was too caught up in my own misery and it wasn’t fair that I took it out on you. I understand if this is the last time you want to see me.”
He shakes his head, “I don’t know what I want. Part of me wants to kick your ass. Another part wants me to hurt you the same way you hurt me, hurt Alex. Do you realize that he can’t play the same now? Even after all these years, he has pins in his wrist that restrict his range.”
I look away, ashamed. I remember that day in vivid detail. I never told anyone that after I ruined Alex’s hand I went home and cried. I regretted it the moment it happened but I didn’t know how to stop myself.
“Answer me this: why? Why did you tell Marta about me?”
“Because it was easier than telling her about me.”
Matthias. Age 23.
Shit. Fuck.
I am in so much trouble. I cannot believe that happened.
I knew Marta wanted me home this weekend, but I told her I had other plans. What I didn’t tell her was that those plans included a cute guy from my finance class.
I didn’t expect Rodney to show up to escort me back home, or that he would catch me kissing said cute guy.
I have no idea what he’s going to tell her, but it won’t be good. I don’t even want to try to guess at what she’s going to do to me.
“I think it would be best if you go up to your room, Matthias,” Rodney says when we pull up to my childhood home.
My response is to slam the car door. When I enter the house something in me dies. It’s so cold, heartless, and anyone who walks in can feel the oppression. My brother’s bedroom door is shut, but that doesn’t mean anything. He’s probably not even here. He spends as much time as he can with the Brenemans. I envy him. If I had that type of escape maybe I wouldn’t feel like shit all the time.
***
She left me alone until morning. I’m honestly surprised, but I’m not going to look a gifted horse in the mouth.
I was expecting it when Rodney told me I’d been summoned.
Marta Harthorn sits at the dining room table like it’s her throne. Her blue eyes are ice cold, already narrowed in preparation for her wrath. Her blonde hair is perfectly done, not a strand out of place. She’s wearing a pantsuit, because to her it’s not ten in the morning on a Saturday.
The air around her is stifling and I want to be far, far away.
“Do you have anything to tell me?”
“No, Mother, I do not.”
“Really?” She pauses, expecting me to spill my guts, but I’m not a child any more. Her tactics no longer work on me, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t thought of something that will work. “I find that interesting, because when Rodney came to me last night he had a very interesting story to tell.”
In a moment of panic I sell my soul to the devil. “I wanted to try it out.”
“What exactly do you mean by that?” Her tone is hard, dangerous.
“I figured if Jameson was allowed
to explore I should be able to as well.”
“What does your brother have to do with anything?”
“You didn’t know? My apologies. I thought, with the way he’s always with Alexander Breneman, you would have figured it out by now.” I am so sorry, Jameson. I don’t know what else to do.
“What are you saying? Tell me plainly, Matthias, I do not have time for your games.”
“I can do better than that, I can get you proof that your son has been lying about where his...preferences lie.”
She doesn’t say anything and I take that as permission to bring her said proof. Racing from the room, I head upstairs to my brother’s room. My stomach twists and my head swims with the guilt of what I’m about to do. I regretted selling him out the minute the words left my mouth. I am a horrible person.
Jameson and I have never gotten along, I was too damaged by Marta’s coldness to be anything but distant by the time he came. Despite that, I never actively thrust him in the line of fire like this, quite the opposite actually.
I grab what I need from under the bed and head back to the lion’s den.
Marta glances at the contraband in my hand and her face twists. “Where is Jameson now?”
“Probably with the Brenemans. I know he came home last night, but I’m guessing he left early this morning.”
“I need some time to think. Go be somewhere else for a while. I have plans to make for both you and your brother. Do not think this gets you off the hook, Matthias. Whatever happens to your brother will be your punishment as well.”
“Understood.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I just screwed us both over. And for what? Because of what Rodney might have seen?
The problem is, I’m good at a lot of things when it comes to navigating my family, but lying has never been my strong suit, at least not when it comes to Marta. She trained me on that early on.
Jameson is never going to forgive me for this. I’m never going to forgive myself for this.
Jamie.
“You sold me out for what? Because you go caught experimenting with some poor guy?”
“Because I was terrified of what she was going to do. I never expected to get caught. You know how she twists and twists until you have no choice but to give her what she wants. I was already so afraid of what I was feeling, I just wanted it to be over with. I cannot tell you how sorry I am. And…” he hesitates, “Brandon, that was his name, he wasn’t just an experiment. We… we were supposed to go out that weekend. We had been casually seeing each other for a month or so.”
“What are you saying?”
“I-I...I’m saying I’m bi, Jamie. I've known for years, and I...I tried to see what that meant back then, but Marta had me so far under her thumb that I couldn’t.” Tears start to roll down his cheeks. “It’s only recently that I’m in a place where I’m able even to say those words without wanting to drink myself into oblivion.
“You have no idea how I wish I were as brave as you. I’m lucky to have survived my twenties without a really damaging drinking problem. It was just barely that I managed to do that. And if it weren’t for...if it weren’t for the fact that the person I’m with makes me want to be better for them, I would have started the cycle all over again now.”
“Why are you telling me all this? What good does it do me now?”
“I just wanted you to know. I’m not making excuses, but I wanted you to know why I hurt you like I did. If I could go back in time and do it all over again I would have. But do you honestly think she wouldn’t have dragged you into my mess anyway? That was always her favorite tactic you know. Play us against one another. I never understood why she wanted her sons to be at odds.”
“More room to control us,” I say, voice low.
He nods in agreement. “I just wanted you to know why. And that I’ve spent the past eleven years hating myself for it.”
“Why now?”
That’s the part I’m having the hardest time with. Not once in the past handful of years did he ever express any type of remorse. He’s spent years being Marta’s pet monkey, ever since...ever since the cabin.
I blow out a breath and ask another question. One I’ve never had the opportunity to. I’m not all that sure I want to know the answer. “Wacko...did he...did he hurt you?”
Matthias looks away again. He clenches his hands into fists. “I’ve only ever told one other person before,” he whispers.
I close my eyes, fighting back tears. Whatever Matthias has done, he didn’t deserve that. No one deserves that. I can only imagine how it’s affected him all this time. After Rhys...after Rhys, I have some experience of how that kind of trauma can fuck with your psyche. And if I know anything about my brother it’s that he never got the help he needs.
I don’t know what to do right now. If this were Alex or Rhys, or anyone else, I would know how to comfort them. I would touch them and let them know that I’m here for them. With Matthias...we’ve never had that type of relationship, even when we were kids. Now I know even less when it comes to him.
“You don’t have to tell me anything else. I never properly thanked you for stopping him. Keeping him away from me was the most notable thing you’ve ever done for me. To know that he…” I run a hand through my hair, “I suspected, but I didn’t really want it to be true. I knew, because Marta had proof, that I was an easy target for him, but you…”
“I was good at hiding. Always have been. I don’t want to hide anymore though.”
“You said you were seeing someone, does that mean what I think it does?”
He flicks his eyes to mine and nods slowly. “I’m dating a man. He’s...he’s everything.”
“That’s good, Matthias. Really. I’m shocked as all hell, but if you’re happy. I know what it’s like to be with someone who looks past all your damage and just loves you. Even when you don’t think you deserve it.”
“Why wouldn’t you? Of all people.”
I shrug, “because of what happened. Because of how much of a slut I was in college. Because I am so fucking broken on the inside that it hurts. Sometimes I wonder if my presence is making Lex worse.”
I don’t mean to say the words but there they are. I’ve never said them aloud before. Not to my therapists, and certainly not to Rhys or Alex. I know it’s not true, but with his recent relapse, it was heartbreaking. It’s not the first one he’s had since getting married, but it was bad.
I know that things will never magically be better because we’re finally together, but fuck, sometimes I wish life was that easy.
“Don’t,” Matthias says, “don’t say that. I knew then and I know now how much you two belong together. That’s another part of my jealousy. I never had someone like that.”
“Now you do, don’t you?”
A soft smile, something so foreign I’m taken aback by it, crosses his face. “Yeah, yeah I think I do.” He fidgets in his chair for a second. “I have something else to tell you.”
“What?” I’m not sure I can handle another revelation.
“The guy I’m seeing...you know him.”
“What? How?”
“He…” he clears his throat, “it’s Neil.”
“Neil. Neil as in Rhys’s assistant Neil?”
Matthias nods.
I shoot up from the couch. “What the fuck! How? Why? Did you fucking seduce him to get information on me?”
“No! I swear, Jamie, I didn’t know who he was the first time we hooked up. Do you remember that day, a few months ago, when I tried to stop by the studio?”
“I do,” I reply, voice hard.
“I saw Neil then and realized who he was. I didn’t see him again until a few days later at a bar. We got to talking and he became a friend. Someone who wanted to help me. I don’t know how or why, but he saw something in me worth saving.
“I was in a bad place then, Jamie. To be honest I needed that lifeline. I didn’t expect the feelings. I didn’t expect any of this. But,” he lets out
a breath and that smile is back, “he cares for me. Really truly cares for me, and I think—I know—that what I feel for him goes beyond anything I’ve ever felt for anyone.
“I...I might love him, Jamie. I see something with him. Something good and wholesome, and I don’t want to let that go. I would if you wanted me to. I would hate it, but I would. Even if you never wanted to see me again after this conversation, I couldn’t imagine that you would want to have my boyfriend around either. And I know how much Neil loves his job. He’s part of your family. I would never take that away or ask him to choose.”
“But you’d give him up. The man you love. You’d give him up for me. Why?”
“Because I’ve taken too much from you already.”
I stare down at his open and honest expression. He really would give Neil up if I asked. Not that I ever would. I could never live with myself if I knew I was ever a reason why my friend and my brother didn’t find happiness. Despite everything he’s done to me, he’s still a person who deserves love. If Neil is who he wants, how could I deny that?
I am too jaded to hope, but maybe, just maybe this will be a turning point in our relationship.
“I don’t want that. What I want…” I swallow. “I want to try.”
“Try…”
“Try to figure out if we can be more than Marta’s playthings. I don’t know if I can forgive you. At least not for a long time, but I don’t want to worry about you anymore. I don’t want to worry that you’re going to turn up and flip my world on its head. Plus, you said it yourself, Neil is family. I couldn’t stand knowing that he wouldn’t be able to bring the person he loves around because we have our own issues.”
He starts crying again. “Whatever you want. I never thought you would want that, but God, I swear I’m working on myself. I promise that I will actively work on being the brother I should have always been. Even if it takes us the rest of our lives to find our footing.”
“Okay.” I sit back on the sofa. “I’ll unblock your number. We’ll take baby steps. Maybe you and Neil can come over for dinner one night.”
A Healing Story (Stories Book 3) Page 17