Love At Every Size

by Jordan, Jesse

  “I can guess,” Louden says quietly. “I know a few meatheads. They can be brutal if they think you’re listening to them.”

  I nod, tears coming to my eyes. “The first thing that my coach told me was that if I hadn’t fucked around in the hospital, I wouldn’t be looking so damn fat. I weighed a total of a hundred and thirty seven pounds when he said it. I went home and cried my eyes out, and I started thinking...”

  “It didn’t make you happy,” Louden says, and I nod. “Is that when you discovered BoPo?”

  I shake my head, laughing lightly. “No. It took me another eighteen months of misery before I went to see a counselor myself. She talked with me about it, and it was because of her that I found both BoPo and my calling to be a counselor myself. It cost a lot of damn money to change my major, but I did it, and got my license. You kinda know the big parts about the rest.”

  Louden nods, burying his chin in the palm of his right hand as he studies me. “So you hated it all?”

  I shake my head, slightly staggered that he asked me that question. “No, why?”

  “Because seeing you in the actual sports stuff, the karate, the tennis, the powerlifting, you looked different than you did in the modeling shots. I could tell that you were plastering on a fake smile, it looked way too strained compared to what you look like when you really smile,” he says. “I mean, was it all bad?”

  I think, because Louden’s touched on one of the nerves that I don’t get touched very often. He seems to be good at that in a lot of ways. Finally, I shake my head. “No. Louden, I loved playing tennis, karate, even powerlifting some, although by then I wasn’t happy because I was always dieting for making weight classes too. Honestly, I liked being an athlete.”

  “So why’d you stop that part too?” he asks me curiously. “I mean, I get dropping the diet part. That’s total bullshit, and I hate when people do that to themselves. But if you liked being active, why stop? Even stuff like powerlifting, the head strength coach at Mount Reston’s a lifter, he knows all about it. He and I talked about it one day, all about the different weight classes, federations, types of competition... he’ll talk your damn ear off about all the ins and outs of that sport if you let him. Why not just go up a couple of weight classes, lift at your natural weight and enjoy it?”

  I shake my head, wondering how I can frame this without sounding like an idiot. “A couple of reasons. First, for the first year or so, it was because I was trying to get a grip on my eating. I had to get my body to start acting normally again, and that included just recognizing when it was hungry. I had to tell myself it was okay to eat, that I was supposed to be hungry and then satisfy my hungers. My counselor and I both agreed that during that time, going back to the potentially toxic environment of the weight room was not a good idea. After that, I was getting into being a BoPo counselor myself, and starting a BoPo support group. For a lot of the women in there, and yeah, they’re mostly women, being active is sort of seen as selling out on BoPo itself.”

  “But...” Louden starts, then shakes his head, looking for the right words. Finally, he starts again. “Denise, I remember what you were like last night. And I don’t mean just stretched out over this sofa, as awesome as that was. I mean at the club. You were sexy as hell dancing because I could see you were having a lot of fun, and you like moving your body. So why give that up because of what some other people think? I mean, I’m not trying to cast doubt on you, but you say that the gym people gave you shit and pressured you into doing stuff you didn’t want to do. But it seems to me, now you’re not doing things you want to do because you don’t want a different group of people to give you shit.”

  His words are harsh but not disrespectful, and Louden’s asked a question that I’ve kicked around in my head a long time, especially since I’ve started working with him. I go silent, and finally I look up at Louden. “Let me ask you something. Do you think I’m pretty?”

  Louden doesn’t laugh, he doesn’t shrug or play it off. Instead, he reaches forward and takes my hand, giving it a squeeze. “I think you’re more beautiful now than you were in that video. I could see you watching me out of the corner of your eyes, by the way. I’ll take the Denise sitting in front of me now, wearing t-shirt, jeans, and having a little sexy streak of maple drying on your chin than the fake tanned, fake smiling Denise any day of the week.”

  His sincerity touches me, and I blush, reaching up for the maple stain on my chin, but Louden reaches forward, stopping my hand. “Here, let me.”

  I can see the desire in his eyes as he leans in and kisses me, his lips sucking on my chin a little and making me laugh lightly as his tongue tickles my skin before he kisses back up, his lips finding mine and quickly taking my breath away. His hand comes up to find my breast, and I’m suddenly ravenous again for something besides pancakes.

  “Mmm... you certainly know how to get me to want to move,” I tease as I push back, letting my own desire give me strength. “You think you’re going to get me addicted to sexercise now?”

  “It’s a hard job, but you make me hard enough to do it,” Louden teases, moaning when I cup his cock through his jeans and I chuckle as he’s quickly rock hard. If a man can truly fake an erection, then Louden Graham deserves the Academy Award. Either that or he really does find me hot. “Keep it up, and we’re not going to get back to the bedroom.”

  “Bedroom?” I ask, smiling as I start tugging his t-shirt out of the waistband of his jeans. “What’s wrong with the sofa again?”

  Louden growls lightly and pulls at my shirt, electricity running through me as he runs his hands up my back to find my bra, releasing it and kissing my neck hungrily. “Maybe I want the shower then. Lots of fun in the shower.”

  A shower sounds damn good.

  * * *

  “I can’t believe it,” I groan happily as Louden pulls his t-shirt on. “Seriously, you’re like a machine. Coming in from the club, then three times in one day, and another last night?”

  “This morning actually,” he jokes lightly, sitting back down on the bed and kissing me gently. “And I’d give you one more round, but I gotta get home and get my house ready for my daughter’s visit this afternoon. Listen, I didn’t ask before, you said it was okay, but we’ve never used a condom...”

  “I’m on the pill,” I say with a chuckle. “Lucky you, huh?”

  Louden shrugs. “You’d be a good person to mix some DNA with. But yeah, I’d like to plan it better. As for the rest, if you want I’ll go get tested.”

  I smile, shaking my head. “I’m clean too. I trust you, Louden.”

  He smiles, and kisses me again. My body is totally wrung out, but it doesn’t matter, kissing him feels good, and I enjoy it even as he caresses my face before standing up. “I know this is totally weird, but that’s fine too. I’ll call you tomorrow or something, either to talk work or just to talk, if you don’t mind.”

  “I’ll e-mail you first,” I promise him. “Just in case I’ve got a patient running late. Now go, take care of your daughter before I tie you to this bed and ravish you for the next week or two!”

  Louden laughs and leaves, and after he leaves I lay back, sighing happily. I keep telling myself not to let an epic weekend of sex play with my emotions, but it was more than the sex.

  I’m still thinking about what I’m going to send him Monday when my phone rings and I see that it’s Cassandra. Shit, I forgot that we were supposed to get together for lunch today. Nothing important, just two friends having some coffee and maybe a chou cream or two at a favorite bakery. “Hey Cassie.”

  “Whoo... I thought you were about to fall off the face of the Earth,” Cassandra says in greeting. “What happened?”

  “Ah... I was in bed,” I admit, my face hot even if it is Cassandra on the other end of the line. “Sort of...”

  “You got yourself some dick,” Cassandra says bluntly, sounding very envious. I can understand, honestly. Even though she calls herself a self-professed sex expert, Cassandra’s been in alm
ost as much a dry spell as I was until I met Louden. “Okay, I can forgive not having to share the cheese danish for that. Anyone I know?”

  Cassandra had always been very direct about her sex life, sometimes too much in my opinion, but I’d promised her long ago to be just as direct. I couldn’t just hem and haw now, and for some reason I didn’t want to lie about it either. “The guy from the university. The basketball coach.”

  Now, with most people, if you admit to having sex with a guy that’s built like a Michelangelo sculpture, you expect to be cheered, get an ‘atta-girl!’ sort of moment. Instead, Cassandra groans, and I can hear a soft smacking sound in the background, and I know that she’s facepalmed. “Denise, really? Why’d you let yourself get used by that mysogynistic BP caveman?”

  I’m struck dumb at the vehemence in Cassandra’s voice, the venom dripping almost from every word. I stammer around for a second, and when I find my voice again, it’s pretty weak. “What do you mean, used?”

  “Oh, come on!” Cassandra snaps harshly. “Get your head out of your vagina, Denise! I looked him up too, the man’s a total card carrying member of the Beautiful People! He’s the fucking enemy, remember? He’s the kind that shames girls like us in public, and then in the dark they’re grinding up against us, wanting to drop a load into us! Let me guess, he was all take charge too, right?”

  “Uhm, well...” I start, thinking of how Louden had been on that perfect balance between in charge and respectful. He dictated what we were going to do during sex, but I let him because every touch was electric, and I wanted to do what he was leading me to do. And he never pushed me beyond my safe areas. “He was... I let him be in charge, okay?”

  “I knew it! I bet he probably made you get down on your knees, just like the patriarchal asshole that he is!” she cries in triumph, and my mind flashes back to our third bout of sex, which had actually started with me on my knees giving him a blowjob, but at the time I’d thought of it as good payback for him licking my pussy not just once, but twice to huge climaxes before that.

  Cassandra isn’t listening though, she’s in full on rant mode. “For fuck’s sake, Denise! After all your hard work, you throw it overboard for a bout of sex with some body shaming pretty boy who probably spends more time counting calories than he does balancing his checkbook! He’s like the total representation of the oppressive diet culture that we’re supposed to be fighting against!”

  “But Louden wasn’t like that,” I protest weakly. “He was nice, the whole time.”

  “Yeah, nice right up until he busted a nut,” Cassandra glowers. Somehow, she can do that, glower even though it’s over a phone line. “Denise, you know the script as much as I do. They’re all nice when you’re showing them what a real woman looks like and what sex can really be, but then after they get their dose of lovin’, they’re back to some crack skinny Victoria’s Secret model looking bitch who doesn’t know how to suck a dick to save her life, and if you even bring up the subject they look at you like you went stone-cold crazy. I bet the next time you go to have a meeting with him, he’s going to be all making sure you’re nowhere close to him, pulling the whole professional card and shit. He got what he wanted, he won’t need to be nice to you any more.”

  Her words sting, and I feel tears come to my eyes. She can’t be right, but Cassandra’s the sort of person who usually is. Still, I force myself to put on a fake grin, if only to keep myself from crying over the phone. “Maybe. But what if I was using him, too? Ripped or chubby, dieting won’t do anything about a thick eight and a half inch cock delivered with power and stamina.”

  I got her. I can hear Cassandra suck in air between her teeth, then she laughs. “Okay, I’ll give you that one. Just remember, if he’s going to keep you like a side piece, you keep him there too. Don’t let your emotions get involved, okay?”

  Yeah, she can say that. She didn’t have Louden share himself with her, or see the way he reacted when I shared myself with him. Still... she's probably right. “Okay.”

  Chapter 13

  Louden- Being Professional

  I can’t think of a time recently when I’ve been this excited at ten in the morning. A ten o’clock meeting is unusual for Denise and I, but after her e-mail that said she had a bunch of afternoon clients, it seemed like the best idea for the two of us.

  Still, I’m not much of a morning person mentally, which I guess fits my job of being a basketball coach better, since I don’t have to really get along with most people until three in the afternoon at the earliest.

  When there’s a knock on my door I quickly stand up and open the door, seeing Denise looking as attention grabbing as ever in her business suit, her hair pulled back into a businesslike bun that, whether she knows it or not, gives her a total hot librarian look. “Good morning, Denise. Come in, please.”

  She nods, and she looks distracted as I close the door, reaching for her hand as soon as the door’s closed. Billy’s gone to a meeting, and while I know we have to get work done, she’s just so hot that I can’t help it.

  She lets me pull her close, but when I lean in to give her a kiss she holds a hand up, putting it in my chest. “Louden, no.”

  “Why?” I ask, giving her a naughty grin. “Nobody’s around, and I just want one good morning kiss. I promise, nothing more than that.”

  “I’ve been thinking about that,” Denise says, pushing away and stepping back. “Louden, I’m not going to say I regret our date, or our whole weekend. But I think it would be better if we kept our relationship strictly professional until at least these meetings are over.”

  I blink, stunned. “What for? Denise, if you think that I can’t be professional with you in front of the students, I can be. Look, I’m sorry if I wanted to kiss you right away, but... Jesus, this sounds bad, but do you know how good you look right now? Seriously, you’re mega hot this morning.”

  I think my words get through a little, Denise blushes slightly and tugs at her suit jacket, but still when I step forward she shakes her head. “Louden, it’s not that I don’t think you’d be professional in front of the students. It’s just that I don’t feel comfortable trying to have a personal relationship with you while trying to do this. Please respect my decision, because I do like you. But I think this is important enough that I want to be totally professional with you for a while, that’s all.”

  I swallow, disappointed, but somehow control my temper enough to nod. Still, I’m bitter, and Denise flinches a little when that comes through in my reply. “I understand. Professional.”

  We somehow get through our meeting, which is important because the next set of meetings are the ones I’m not looking forward to the most, the football team. Doing my pre-meetings with the football coaches, I was disgusted with how they acted, all of them seeing nothing wrong with the video at all. Denise is upset by this, but she is determined, and after she leaves I’m left just more upset and frustrated than ever.

  Was it that I came on too strong? I don’t think so, I mean she was the one who asked me to stay the night, and then for most of the weekend too. I thought after she opened herself up to me so much, that we’d reached a sort of understanding, that we could see each other for who we were, and not get caught up in labels and skin deep images.

  Obviously I was wrong. I check my to-do list, and I see that other than some recruiting calls and a meeting with an academic counselor at five thirty, I’ve got nothing for the rest of the day. I shut down my computer after sending a message to Billy that I’m grabbing a mid-day workout, and head downstairs.

  Coach Loggins gives me a glance, but I don’t really care today, I’m not in the mood. Instead, I put in my earbuds and go to work, trying to burn off my feelings through heaving a bunch of weight around hard enough to make my muscles hurt as much as my brain does right now.

  I’m about two thirds of the way through my workout, I’ve finished up my barbell work and am doing dips when a new face approaches me. I’ve gotten used to university girls checking me out,
it can be flattering in a way to know that women who are a decade younger than me still see me as prime beef, but this woman is about my age, maybe a few years older even.

  Still, she’s attractive, with long brown hair that’s pulled back into a sporty ponytail and a model-like body that looks more like it should be on TV making men’s hearts beat faster than in a college weight room. That she’s showing it off with a pair of tight shorts that go only a few inches down her thighs and a sport bra top just sort of adds to the whole thing, she looks like she stepped out of an ad for Nike, or maybe Victoria’s Secret’s sports line.

  Oh, and a black neoprene brace on her right knee that throws off the whole sexy angle, but to the athlete in me makes me think more of her. She’s not here just to fuck around. “Hi.”

  I ignore her until I finish my set, keeping my dips going. I don’t care if you’re naked with your hair on fire, I never stop in the middle of a set, but when I drop down I wipe my forehead, giving her a nod and a smile back. “Hi. I haven’t seen you before. I’m Louden Graham, assistant men’s basketball coach.”

  “Is that so?” she says, sounding like she’s not surprised at all. “I’m Melissa Ann Kelly, the new women’s head coach. Nice to meet you.”

  She offers her hand, and we shake, and I put a bio to the face. Of course I’ve heard about Melissa Kelly. After the disaster that was the women’s season, Mount Reston fired the women’s coach even before the conference tournament. Melissa was announced in a pretty high profile media press conference just days later.

  For good reason, too. A six foot tall former professional shooting guard, Melissa has been named one of the hottest female athletes on the planet numerous times since her college days. She’s been in ESPN’s Body Issue, enough Muscle & Fitness Hers that she’s made the cover more than once, and there was even talk one year of her posing for Sports Illustrated, which she only didn’t do because the shoot took place during basketball season.