Denise- Choices Made
Five fifteen.
I’m staring at my clock on the wall, unable to tear my eyes away as the minutes tick by. I’ve canceled my last appointment for the day, a first evaluation that won’t be too damaging to the bottom line because I’ve felt so torn that I doubt I could be a good counselor today even if I didn’t have this meeting.
I’m facing two choices, and I don’t know which one to take.
On one hand, I’ve got Louden. He’s depending on me, and I’ve avoided his calls for the past twenty four hours. He even sent me a text message, just reminding me of the time that I need to be with the Athletic Director and the Chancellor. There was no pleading, no begging, just the simple faith in me that he’s shown the entire time.
On the other hand I’ve got Cassandra, and the BoPo group. People who have helped me as much as I’ve helped them, my friends who stuck by me even when very few others did.
If I help Louden, I lose Cassandra.
If I go to the BoPo meeting, I’m hurting Louden. And I’ll lose him for sure.
What am I supposed to do?
Three times, my hand reaches for the phone to call Mount Reston, to call Jaime, the Athletic Director’s assistant, and make up some story to get out of the meeting. A forgotten meeting, a panicked counseling patient, AIDS, aliens in my living room, anything.
But then I remember the look in his eyes when we made love, and the way he whispered in my ear. Thank you for believing in me.
Not believing him. Believing in him.
It’s a small difference, but it’s something I’ve noticed about Louden. Maybe it’s because of his dyslexia, maybe it’s because he was teased for so long, but when Louden says something, he chooses his words very carefully. At least with me, he doesn’t ramble, and he doesn’t say anything he doesn’t mean.
Believing him, and believing in him are two different things.
I can choose to believe him, that Melissa Kelly is sexually harassing him.
But that doesn’t mean I have to believe in him, and put my reputation and my friendships with others at risk.
Five twenty. If I’m going to get to the meeting, I need to start getting ready soon. Traffic’s a bitch at this time of day, especially around the university.
I’m paralyzed though, unable to move as I try to come to a decision. I’m feeling like either way, I’m facing heartbreak and loss.
So what do I do?
My phone rings, and my hand moves automatically to shut it off when I see that it’s not Louden, who I thought might be trying to check on me as he gets ready for his ‘date.’ It’s not Cassandra either, calling to see if I’ll be at the BoPo meeting. Instead, it’s a long distance number from California. Curious, I pick up the line. “Hello, Denise Taviolo speaking.”
“Hi, Denise? It’s Sarah Kimball.”
I’m stunned, gawping at my phone for a second. “Sarah? How’d you get this number?” I ask. “I mean, it’s nice to hear your voice outside your podcast, but...”
“I went back to our old conversations, you’d sent it to me once when we were networking,” Sarah says with a laugh, and I nearly slap my forehead. Of course I had, it was back in the days when I could only afford one phone line, so my cell phone was my office phone too. “I know it’s been a few weeks, and I’m really sorry. My husband ran over my phone by accident with his truck. Then I had some family stuff come up, I haven’t been online at all. I just got your message, and something was telling me to call you instead of just writing back. Tell me, are you still having challenges?”
The kindness in her voice brings tears to my eyes, and I find myself sobbing, telling Sarah, this total stranger in a lot of ways, everything. Louden, his situation at work, Cassandra and her threats. “My God Sarah, I feel like I’m betraying someone no matter what! I mean, what am I supposed to do?”
Sarah listens through it all, clearing her throat at the end. “Can I ask you something, Denise? If Louden was chubby, would you be feeling the same guilt?”
I stop, blinking for a second. Louden, chubby like me? “I’m having trouble imagining him that way. I mean, I’ve seen him put down real food too, Sarah, but he’s just one of those people who has the DNA to make it all go on as lean.”
“I’m asking because, and I’m not trying to make you feel bad about this, but it sounds like you’re letting some of the same body issues that we’re supposed to be working against to be affecting your thinking.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, perplexed.
“I mean, you’re doubting Louden, and your friend is discriminating against Louden for him being ripped, for him being a... what do you guys call it?”
“BP. Short for Beautiful Person,” I say, and Sarah’s meaning hits me like a punch between the eyes. “Oh hell.”
“Yep,” she says, her voice light with amusement. “See what I’m getting at?”
“Yeah... I’ve been a terrible girlfriend,” I say miserably.
“No, you just made a few assumptions,” Sarah says. “Denise, we all have blind spots. You’re a counselor, you know that. Just remember, Body Positive means loving your body at whatever size it is. And accepting, respecting your friends and loved ones at whatever size they are. That doesn’t mean just plus sized, either.”
Outside, the nearby church bell rings, and I realize it’s now five thirty. I need to be on the road like, two minutes ago. “I understand, Sarah. Listen, I’d love to talk more... but there’s a meeting I have to get to. For someone I care about very much.”
“Go get ‘em. And send me a message, tell me how it works out.”
Sarah hangs up, and I’m running out the door, my purse in one hand and my phone in the other. If I hurry, I might just make it on time.
* * *
I’m a gasping mess when I come into the Athletic Director’s office, I was two blocks out of the office when I saw that I had a missed call from Louden, and I’m worried that I might be too late. His call could come at any minute, and I know I look like hell when Jamie, his assistant, opens the door and I interrupt him and the University Chancellor in their conversation. “Sorry for being late.”
Mount Reston’s Athletic Director is Carl Nelson, an old boy who I know has only tolerated the meetings Louden and I have had with the teams because he doesn’t want his programs getting the wrong kind of press. Louden even told me some of the terms he used when he told Louden about the assignment.
I’m just glad I don’t have to try and change his mind, and that at least he let us talk at all. Still, I can read his eyes when he looks at me, sweating, my makeup and hair a total mess, my clothes a little rumpled since I didn’t have time to spruce up before walking in, wearing my in-office New Balances instead of more formal business shoes.
On the other hand, Dr. Vanessa Snow has been, I think, one of my silent supporters. Compact, put together and with a dynamic personality, she’s helped Mount Reston in the five years she’s been Chancellor. She’s a dedicated academic with experience at schools that are usually progressive in a lot of ways. To say that they represent the twin dynamics of Mount Reston is an understatement.
“Miss Taviolo, it’s perfectly okay,” Dr. Snow says, totally unruffled. “I’ve run into traffic myself.”
“Perhaps, but I’m not used to being kept waiting when someone calls and demands an emergency meeting with me and Dr. Snow,” the AD says, his eyes squinting. “What is so danged important anyway, Miss Taviolo? We’ve got graduation tomorrow, and while that might not seem like a big deal to the athletic department, it still uses the football stadium.”
“I understand that Director Nelson, but this is about something just as important,” I say. “It’s about fairness, and your staff, and sexual harassment.”
The AD’s face immediately goes stony, while Dr. Snow looks very grave. “Miss Taviolo, has any of our staff harassed you?” she asks. “If they have, I want to know.”
I shake my head, taking my phone out of my pocket. “No, your staff has been v
ery good to me, and your athletes as well. But... well, Coach Graham and I have started seeing each other and...”
“Miss Taviolo, I don’t have time for this,” the AD says, shaking his head. “If you’re going to accuse a good coach of harassment just because he dumped you...”
“Will you please shut the fuck up!” I yell, cutting him off. By the look on his face, I doubt he expects anyone to speak to him that way. “It’s not about me, will you not look at my weight and just fucking listen? This is about Louden and Coach Kelly!”
The AD looks like he’s about to explode, his face is getting very red, but Dr. Snow holds up her hand, and he stops. “Hold on a moment, Carl. What do you mean, Denise?”
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I take it out, setting it on the desk. “Just listen.”
The sound is pretty clear, even better than what it was when Louden and I tried it in my apartment.
“Louden, half the fun of when I do this is taking a man who isn’t into it and making him my fuck puppet. It’s all a game to me, one that I’ve played before. I find them, I force them into fucking me, I string them along until they’re as addicted to me as they would be to meth, and then I move on. It’s more fun that way.”
The AD sits back, his red face going pasty white as he listens. “Oh my God. Coach Kelly?”
“Sounds like her,” Dr. Snow says. “Hush. And get a recorder on this.”
The Athletic Director roots around in his desk, and pulls out his cell phone which he puts next to my phone and hits a record button as Melissa keeps talking.
“Hell, I lost my virginity to my high school coach, and no, he didn’t come after me, I went after him. Same way I’m coming for you. I spent a year and a half getting him so hooked on my body that he was in tears the last time I fucked him, same as he was the first time I fucked him, obviously for different reasons.”
Melissa Kelly’s voice is sultry, and I’m moved as I realize just what Louden is turning down. The three of us listen as they talk, Melissa damning herself with her own words.
Louden sounds so composed, determined as he speaks. I’m proud of him. “So that’s the deal, then? I fuck you, or you...”
“Or I cry that you’re sexually harassing me. Come on, you’re not that dense that I need to repeat myself. Now, come on, I want to get a couple of dances in before I take you back to my place for some action. Think of it like a warmup.”
Dr. Snow speaks up. “Can they hear us?”
“No,” I say. “Louden’s wearing a tietack mike, his phone’s in his pocket.”
“Carl, I think you’re going to need to find a new women’s basketball coach,” Dr. Snow says. “I won’t tolerate her on the staff.”
The Athletic Director nods. “We’ll get legal on this right away.”
“Hush!” I whisper as Louden keeps talking.
“I heard you just fine, Melissa. But I’m not going to dance with you. In fact, I’m not going anywhere with you.”
“You what? You’re really that fucking stupid?”
“Melissa, let me put it plainly. You’ve harassed me. You groped me. You’ve taken pictures of me without my permission, and you’ve made me feel like shit. So no. I’m not going to dance with you. I’m not going to go home with you and fuck you. I will not cheat on my girlfriend with you.”
“Is she really that special?” Melissa asks, and even though I know it shouldn’t matter, I feel my heart freeze in my chest. “You’re willing to give up your job, your daughter’s security, for some plus sized social justice cow?”
Check that. I want to kill the bitch, and she should be glad she’s a couple of miles away at the moment. But in the next instant I’m brought to tears as Louden replies.
“Denise Taviolo is a good woman, better than you’ll ever be. I love her.”
He... he loves me. He just said it. I feel like crying and jumping up and down at the same time, and I miss Melissa’s reply, but I can see Dr. Snow giving me a small smile. I calm down enough to hear Louden’s next statement.
“And I’m talking about something more than that. I love Denise. I’m not going to betray her, or become a man that can’t look his daughter in the eye and say he’s trying his best to be a good father.”
“That’s enough,” the AD says, reaching forward and turning off his recorder. “Miss Taviolo, I owe you an apology. I made assumptions that, apparently, mean I need to have my old ass in some of your meetings as well. I’m sorry.”
He offers his hand, and I shake it. “Sir, you did two things. First, you set your feelings aside enough to have the meetings to begin with. But your apology means more. We’ve still got a meeting with the swim team, if you want to join in there.”
“I’ll be there... after I find a new women’s head basketball coach. In the meantime...”
“Hey Denise, did you guys get that?” Louden asks, his voice queerly doubled as I realize he’s put his phone to his ear. “Please tell me you got that.”
“We got it just fine, Coach Graham,” Dr. Snow says. “I think you, me, Director Nelson and Coach Two Eagles can have a meeting Monday about this. Rest assured, you can tell your daughter her father is a good man, and he’s secure in his job this weekend.”
“Thank you, Dr. Snow. So, how much did you get?”
Dr. Snow looks at me, and I wipe away the tears in my eyes. “We got enough, Coach Graham. We got all the important parts.”
Chapter 23
Louden- Expressions
“Are you sure you’re not giving up family time?” Denise asks me nervously when she pulls up in front of my house and I greet her in the yard. She’s dressed nicely but casually, and I answer the only way I know how, by pulling her in for a hug and kissing her soundly.
When our lips part, I give her a little smile. “Come on, I’m not giving up any family time at all.”
“Wait,” Denise says, tugging on my hand. “Before we go inside, I have to ask you, did you mean what you said?”
“About what?” I ask, confused.
“That you love me,” Denise whispers, her eyes open and honest. “When you told Melissa that you love me.”
I nod, pulling her closer. “Denise, I’m so in love with you that I can’t believe the first person I told was her and not you. I’m sorry I waited so long to say it.”
Denise shakes her head, smiling. “I’m sorry I didn’t have the guts to say it first, because I love you, too. I was so scared and...”
It’s my turn to shake my head, and I kiss her lips quickly, cutting off conversation. “You stood by me in the end. You believed in me,” I say when the kiss is over. “Now, come on before...”
“Daddy!” a high voice calls behind me, and I turn, grinning as Cathy comes out the front door. “You said that I have to wait and... oh.”
Denise gives me a look, and I shrug, laughing. “It was something else I realized after I left that bar. It was time for the two most important girls in my life to meet each other. Denise, this is Cathy Roberts Graham, my daughter. Cathy, this is Denise Taviolo, my girlfriend.”
Cathy’s precious about meeting Denise, and even though she’s a little shy at first she relaxes after Denise starts to show interest in what she’s interested in, mainly Paw Patrol. Never underestimate the ability to connect with a child through cartoons.
By the time dinner rolls around, she’s decided that Denise is her friend now, which touches me.
Denise is as happily surprised on her side by how much I keep Cathy involved in our day, playing with her, helping her, but most of all including her in what we do throughout the day. I don’t just send her off to the living room to watch TV when it’s time to make dinner, but instead I have her help.
“You’re a natural teacher,” she whispers to me as we stand back and watch Cathy carefully use her pinched fingers to sprinkle herbed salt on the bread that we’re going to toast. “No wonder you’re such a good coach.”
“Not natural at all. It took me six months to work my way through the bo
ok on teaching children,” I whisper back. “That and I hated being ignored as a kid. I want Cathy to have all the things I didn’t. Best of all...”
My voice catches, and Denise reaches over, taking my hand. “It’s okay, Louden. I’m here.”
“She can already read,” I whisper, my voice choking. “She’s already beaten Dr. Seuss, and we’re going to go shopping next week for more books for her.”
Denise gives my hand a squeeze, and when Cathy finishes we complete dinner together, all three of us having a hand in it. After a short movie, Cathy’s yawning so I help her to bed, where she gives me a kiss on the cheek after I read with her.
“Daddy... I like Denise,” she says quietly as I turn off the big light and leave her with the little nightlight she uses when she needs to get up to use the toilet. “Are you two going to be like Mommy and Craig?”
“Well, I’m hoping,” I tell her quietly, smiling. “We’ll see what the future holds. Good night, baby.”
Denise is in the living room, sipping at a coffee and looking over Cathy’s preschool yearbook when I come in and sit down next to her. “She says she likes you.”
“I like her too,” Denise says softly. “Thank you, Louden. I didn’t know what to expect, you could have thrown a kegger and I wouldn’t have been surprised. This is unexpected, it’s honest... it's you.”
“Thanks,” I say quietly. “But you look like you’ve had something on your mind ever since you showed up, and I can only kiss you so many times before it bursts out. Tell me what’s up?”
“I guess I feel like hell, because last night, I nearly didn’t go to that meeting,” Denise says before she fills me in on the demands from her friend Cassandra, and this woman Sarah who helped her make her decision.
“Then I get to the meeting, and you just flat out say you love me, and it nearly broke my heart because I feel like I don’t deserve those words,” she says softly. “I mean, I love you too, I’m serious about that, but still...”
“That’s all that matters,” I say quietly, and Denise looks at me. “Denise, I knew I was asking a lot from you. And to answer the question you asked yourself, I didn’t ask Billy because he’s out of town at his daughter’s wedding. I couldn’t ask him to give that up.”
Love At Every Size Page 20