by Jane Nelsen
TALK TO CHILDREN
Most parents instinctively know the sort of verbal play that infants and young children need. Word games, nursery rhymes, and simple songs are wonderful ways to acquaint babies with the mysteries of language. Let children hear your voice; speak to them often. Sing the old-fashioned nursery rhymes. What you say is probably less important than giving them the opportunity to experiment with sounds and words. As your children get older, telling stories is a great way to help children follow a story line, learn word meanings, and stretch their ability to visualize and imagine—all crucial parts of later learning and school readiness.
ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO “TALK BACK”
No, we don’t mean that sort of back-talk. But it is important to give children the opportunity to talk to you, to other adults, and to other children. At first, children’s “speech” may consist of sounds, single words, and gestures, but as you encourage them (“what” and “how” questions are one helpful way), their ability to speak to you and to communicate ideas and feelings will grow. Adults (and older siblings) are sometimes impatient with young children, and rush to finish their sentences for them or anticipate their needs. Do your best to be tolerant and give your little one space and time to communicate.
READ LOTS OF BOOKS OUT LOUD
Reading aloud to young children may be the most helpful activity parents can do. Even babies can be propped in your lap to gaze at the pages of a colorful board book, and toddlers usually love to cuddle up and read stories. As you read, become the characters, changing your voice and providing sound effects, and encourage your child to do the same. Include books that have more text and encourage your child to form his own pictures for the words you read; or use picture-only books that allow you to invent your own stories together. Storytelling, too, can be a wonderful way to instill language and creativity. Telling stories from your own history or sharing stories from your culture can nurture budding language skills and build connection with your little one.
Reading can become a favorite part of a toddler’s day, and young children are usually eager to soak up the fascinating worlds books can open. Three-year-old Kevin’s mother was astonished when he “read” a favorite Berenstain Bears book to her one day. He had memorized the words, the voices—and the right places to turn the pages. Barbara was thirteen months old when her favorite aunt sat down to read a book about flowers with her. Barbara gazed intently at the picture, pulled the book into her hands, and put her nose against the page for a long sniff. Her aunt was amazed at how well Barbara understood the connection between the picture of a flower on the printed page and the fragrance of a real flower.
As your child grows older, share with her the books you loved when you were her age, or check with friends for titles their children have enjoyed.3 Make reading together part of your bedtime routine. Many parents find that this cozy ritual lasts far beyond toddlerhood and provides a time of warmth and closeness for years to come.
TURN OFF THE TECHNOLOGY—AT LEAST MOST OF THE TIME
Television, apps, and games may actually change the way a child’s brain functions, and the constant background noise of the TV can delay a child’s speech development. The American Association of Pediatrics discourages screen media exposure for children under the age of two.
Is My Child Okay?
Pediatricians know that parents are often the best judge of a child’s development. Because early intervention is essential in the treatment of many developmental delays and disorders, your instincts—and concerns—about your child are always worth paying attention to, especially in the first three years of life. (More on special needs in Chapter 20.) For instance, the incidence of autism and autism-related disorders has risen dramatically in recent years.4 Communication, language, and emotional development may provide important clues about a child’s development. While only a trained specialist can diagnose problems,5 the following questions may help you decide if your child needs help:
• Does your child recognize and respond to familiar faces?
• Does he use his finger to point at or show you something?
• Does your child turn his head toward you when you say his name?
• Does he imitate your actions, gestures, and facial expressions?
• Does he make eye contact with you?
• Is your child interested in other children, people, or objects?
• Does he respond to your smiles, cuddles, and gestures?
• Does your child rock, bounce, or spend long periods of time staring into space?
• Does your child try to attract your attention to his own activities?
• Is your child unusually insistent on routines, predictability, or specific objects?
Children demonstrate these responses at different ages, but if you answered yes to a good number of the above questions, you probably have nothing to worry about. If you answered no to many of them and your child does not seem to make progress, you might consider talking to your doctor. Although “symptoms” do not necessarily indicate a problem, early intervention is critical. If you suspect that your child is not developing on schedule or connecting easily with his caregivers, do not hesitate to talk to your pediatrician.
It may help to remember that most language and emotional development takes place naturally, when parents and caregivers make time to play and talk with children. Take a deep breath, relax, and remind yourself to enjoy these years. It’s never too late—or too soon—to begin.
QUESTIONS TO PONDER
1. Think about the last time your child had a tantrum in a public place. (Most do eventually!) What was uppermost in your mind: helping your child calm down and learn emotional management skills, or wondering what observers might be thinking of you? Do some journaling about how your child’s meltdowns affect you, and what you can do next time to remain calm and helpful.
2. Because young children are more visual than verbal, charts and pictures can be helpful tools. Make an “anger wheel of choice” with your child (if she is old enough) to help her learn to self-soothe. (See the example on this page.) Make a simple pie chart with six or eight sections; in each section, draw a picture of something that helps your child calm down and feel better when she’s angry or unhappy. Some suggestions might be water play, cuddling with a security object, listening to an audiobook, or something similar. Invite her to help you color the wheel or decorate it with glitter; then post it in a spot where she can see it easily. When she is angry or upset, invite her to look at the chart and select one way to feel better.
3. No one likes to be told what to do—including your child. Practice reframing your directions and commands (“Brush your teeth,” “Put on your jacket,” “Pick up your toys”) as questions: “What do you need to do so your teeth won’t feel slimy?” “What should you put on so you won’t be cold outside?” “What do you need to do before dinner?” The message is the same, but questions invite children to think for themselves and are often received much better than commands. Try it and see!
4. Do some journaling about feelings. Do you believe that some feelings are okay to have, while others are not? Are there feelings you think your son or your daughter should not have? What did you learn from your own parents and teachers about boys, girls, and feelings? Is there anything you want to do differently with your own child?
1 For more information, see Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson (New York: Ballantine, 1999), and The Everything Parent’s Guide to Raising Boys by Cheryl L. Erwin (Avon, Mass.: Adams Media, 2006).
2 “The Push,” a short film based on a story by David McNally, may help you understand this concept. You can find it at www.eaglesneedapush.com.
3 Boys may not always find books fascinating, especially when female caregivers are doing the choosing. Check out www.guysread.com for recommendations of books the males in your life will enjoy.
4 According to a 2014 study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, aut
ism now occurs in approximately one out of every sixty-eight births.
5 For free downloadable month-by-month or annual milestone checklists, go to www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones.
7
TRUST VERSUS MISTRUST
“Can I Count on You?”
In his pioneering work on emotional development (work that has been validated by numerous studies), Erik Erikson identified critical tasks that all humans must master. The first critical task, a sense of trust versus mistrust, is developed during the first year. To develop a sense of trust, an important part of a secure attachment, a baby must learn that his basic needs will be met consistently and lovingly. These needs include proper nutrition, a comfortable temperature, dry diapers, adequate sleep, and lots and lots of touching, holding, and cuddling.
It’s important to note that the development of trust, like all developmental tasks, will not be resolved once and for all in the first year of life. Instead, it will be built upon and expanded many times in the years ahead as you and your child face new challenges together. However, a sense of mistrust can create a foundation that will be difficult (though not impossible) to overcome in future years. For that reason, knowing how to help your child develop a sense of trust is very important.
Many parents feel confused about the difference between meeting their babies’ needs and spoiling—and they’re sure to hear many points of view. Opinions range from “Put your baby on a strict schedule (after all, he or she has come to live in your house and there is no reason to change your life too much)” to “Forget about your life; hover around your baby and try to anticipate every need and whimper.” Neither extreme is likely to work well. Understanding the importance of your child developing trust instead of mistrust is a key factor in finding the right balance for you and your baby.
A neglected baby (one whose basic needs for food, comfort, and loving touch are not met) will develop a sense of mistrust in life, what we now call an “insecure attachment.” Perhaps surprisingly, an extremely pampered baby may also develop a sense of mistrust, because he has never had to practice much patience or self-reliance. As with so many aspects of parenting, the best solution is creating a healthy balance.
DEVELOPMENTAL APPROPRIATENESS IN THE FIRST YEAR OF LIFE
Part of dealing with young children’s behavior in a way that achieves positive outcomes involves knowing what is “developmentally appropriate,” a term we use to describe the characteristics and behaviors that are typical of children at certain ages. The more you know about the psychological, intellectual, and physical development of your child, the more you will know about what is developmentally appropriate and the better your ability to get into your child’s world and influence his early decisions and behavior.
CAN YOU SPOIL A BABY?
At some point during a baby’s first weeks and months, his parents will hear the admonition, “Don’t pick the baby up every time he cries—you’ll spoil him!” But most parents feel uncomfortable allowing a baby to cry, especially for long periods of time. How will you know when to hold your baby and when to allow him to sort life out for himself?
Developing trust—and having a secure attachment—means a child believes “I am loved and wanted here, no matter what.” This task outweighs everything else in those first hectic weeks, and it is always important to respond to a baby’s cries and signals, and to decide whether your little one needs food, a clean diaper, or comfort. She is deciding what “works” (from the viewpoint of a very young, immature, and unskilled person) by observing how you react to her actions. Early in a baby’s life, she needs you to respond consistently and to offer her love, comfort, and care.
Sometime during the first year, infants begin to form beliefs about themselves and other people, and about how to get what they believe they need. (Some believe this process may even begin in the womb.) At this point, babies may learn to cry in order to get attention. There is nothing wrong with wanting and getting attention. However, there’s an old rule of thumb about this: If you feel like you’re being manipulated by your child—you may be!
If parents do not respond consistently to a baby’s cues, that baby may decide he doesn’t belong and cannot trust the adults in his life. This can damage the attachment that is so critical for social, emotional, and intellectual development. But if parents pamper a baby, picking her up at every whimper and never allowing her to experience her feelings or learn to soothe herself, that baby may decide life is best lived by getting others to do things for her. Time will help you discover how to respond to your own baby, but remember: she will need time and space to practice skills. Crying isn’t fatal, no matter how frustrating or irritating it may be, and letting your baby fuss a bit isn’t bad parenting—especially after the first few months. Truly getting to know your own child is your first crucial task. If in doubt, err on the side of attachment and engage in the challenging process of “weaning” when your child develops language skills.
Alisa adored her four-month-old baby, Matthew, and loved to hold him, but she didn’t want to be manipulated by her charming little guy. So she took her mother-in-law’s advice and let the baby “cry it out”; she stopped going in to pick him up when he awoke crying. This seemed to work well, and eventually Matthew and his mom slept more soundly. But one night little Matthew cried for over an hour, refusing to settle down and sleep. Finally, desperate for some rest herself, Alisa went in to check on him and discovered he was running a 104-degree fever. She realized that while she didn’t want to pamper her baby, she did need to respond to be sure his basic needs were being met. She also decided to wait until he was older to work on teaching him resilience.
Learning the difference between what an infant truly needs and what he simply wants causes considerable anxiety for parents, but as your understanding increases so will your confidence. As we have said before, it is important to meet all of your child’s needs, but not all of her wants. When a child lives in an environment where she experiences large doses of connection, she will not be traumatized by small doses of disappointment. You will need to use your head and your heart to be an effective parent. The more information you have, the more you can trust your head. The more you know how important it is to enjoy your child, the more you can trust your heart. When in doubt, always trust your heart.
UNIQUENESS, SELF-TRUST, AND PARENT CONFIDENCE
To say that people are different and unique isn’t new or profound, but it is easy to forget. With time, you will discover parenting tools that feel comfortable and effective for you. What does all this have to do with the development of trust or mistrust? Erikson found that a primary factor in the development of a child’s trust is her sense that her primary caretaker—usually her mother—has confidence in herself.
Because self-confidence is so important, we want to repeat that most mothers find they can trust themselves more when they have a basic understanding of child development and parenting skills—and faith in their own instincts. This is one reason that parent education can be so important. When you have learned all you can about child development, age-appropriate behavior, and nonpunitive methods to help your child thrive, you will feel more confident about your ability to understand and care for your child.
Children develop a sense of trust when someone consistently responds to their cries, but do not misinterpret this to mean that your child will be traumatized if you don’t respond to every whimper.
Parents soon learn to recognize the differences in a baby’s cries—whether she is hungry, hurt, or angry. Sometimes a baby will cry to release excess energy; allowing her to cry until she settles may actually help her learn to self-soothe. When parents think they have to help their children get to sleep by rocking them, nursing them, or giving them a bottle, or even lying down with them, their children may learn manipulation skills instead of trust (in themselves and in their parents). This does not mean that falling asleep in Grandma’s arms while being rocked is going to damage your child. Always remember that balance
is better than any extreme.
It takes knowledge and confidence (and faith in your child) to know when it is okay to allow her to experience a little discomfort in order to develop a sense of trust and confidence in herself. Remember that no parent is born knowing where this balance lies—and mistakes allow us to fine-tune our knowledge. Pay attention not only to your baby but also to your own feelings and wisdom, and chances are good that you’ll soon know what works best for your child.
Trust Versus Mistrust
During the first year of life, a child begins to learn the fundamental concept of trust, the first important stage of emotional development. If she cries, does someone come? If she’s hungry, cold, or wet, will someone help? Do the routines and rituals of daily life happen predictably? It is through these simple experiences that she will learn to trust and rely on her parents.
Without this basic sense of trust, life becomes far more difficult. Children who have been shuttled in and out of foster homes during their early years, or who have been denied affection and consistent care, often refuse to make eye contact or respond to even the most loving attempts later on. It can take a great deal of patience and determination to instill the sense of trust that was stunted during these children’s early years.
Most of us know people who have a hard time trusting themselves or others, and who seem to have little faith in their ability to influence what happens to them. Will your child go through life with a sense of trust or mistrust, faith or doubt? Much depends on how he is treated in the first year of life (and the subconscious decisions he makes about his experiences). The development of a sense of trust begins in this critical first year and will continue as your child grows.