by Jane Nelsen
PUPPET PRETEND
Playing “Let’s Pretend” with dolls or puppets is another way sharing can be modeled and practiced. An adult can act out a conflict between two children, showing what happened as well as other, more appropriate responses. Then children can practice, holding the puppets and exploring both the inappropriate and appropriate behavior. This invites children to recognize inappropriate behavior in others and, eventually, to notice and take responsibility for their own. Puppets, dolls, and similar pretend play provide an important buffer. If Johnny says, “No—it’s mine!” little Alice believes him and starts to cry. But when the puppet says it, neither child feels threatened or gets upset.
SHARING AND CULTURAL VALUES
Attitudes toward many social skills vary by culture. The idea of personal property is not seen in the same way by all people. Many Asian cultures, for example, believe that the needs of the group are more important than those of any one individual. In New Zealand, a Maori child is deliberately given the last serving of a special treat and told to share it, because placing the needs of the community first is an ideal that her culture values. Your values (and your own social behavior) will influence the social skills your child masters. Ultimately, a child’s sense of belonging will to some degree be tied to feeling connected to the values of her culture.
HITTING AND AGGRESSION
Toddlers are short on both language and social skills, and when they play together they can easily become frustrated. When they lack the ability to express their feelings in words, hitting and other types of aggression sometimes result. When you set one toddler down to “play” with another, neither is particularly sure of what the other is all about. Watch them eyeing each other and you can guess what they might be thinking. “What is this creature? Does it break? Can I taste it? What happens if I poke my finger in its eye?” Walking up and hitting another child is sometimes just a primitive form of saying hello.
Still, children under the age of two need to learn that pulling hair, poking eyes, and hitting are actions that hurt people and cannot be allowed. Firmness, coupled with removing the child temporarily and redirecting his attention to something else, works best. You can say, “It is not okay to hit Rebecca or pull her hair. Let’s go find another toy to play with. When you are ready to be kind, you and Rebecca may play together.” It does not help to scold or punish. How might we feel if someone scolded and punished us when we practiced a foreign language for a month but failed to speak it fluently? Social skills are a language that must be practiced, integrated, and learned at deeper levels when children are developmentally ready.
LITTLE “MUNCH”KINS—WHAT TO DO ABOUT BITING
One type of toddler aggression—biting—really sets off alarms for parents and caregivers. Most biting incidents happen from about fourteen months to three years of age, which coincides with the development of spoken language. Biting often indicates frustration or anger, especially when a child isn’t able to make herself understood with words.
Developmentally, children master control of their hands before speech. A baby as young as eight months can learn simple signs to ask for food, to say she wants more of something, or to indicate that she is thirsty as opposed to hungry. Proponents of teaching children to communicate their needs and thoughts through signing contend that a child who can sign is less likely to resort to aggressive behavior. This simplified version of signing can be available to a young child when words are not, and is an option that you may want to consider.1
Both teething and the need to “chew” can also play developmental roles in biting. Providing carrot sticks or apple slices to crunch, raisins to chew, and orange wedges or frozen juice bars to suck on will offer stimulation and may satisfy the urge to bite in more appropriate ways. Biting may even be the result of a vivid imagination. Twenty-month-old Teddy spent two weeks biting the ankle of anyone who wandered by, before an observant adult realized he was imitating the nipping actions of his aunt’s new puppy.
The most consistent explanation for biting is its connection to impulse control. Young children lack effective impulse control (remember, the prefrontal cortex of toddlers is still “under construction”), making their response to frustration immediate—and usually beyond their conscious control. Impulse control develops gradually; by about the age of three, the combination of language development and a maturing nervous system will combine to reduce or eliminate most early biting. In the meantime, regardless of the reasons it happens, biting is very disturbing (not to mention painful) for the biter, the bitee (the person who was bitten), and all adults involved. We’re not sure which is worse: to be the parents of the biter or the bitee. The parent of the bitee feels angry and protective. The parent of the biter feels embarrassed and protective. Both will feel a little better if they understand child development.
Biting that occurs because a child lacks the words to express feelings and frustrations will diminish as he learns the verbal skills to express himself in more appropriate ways. And no, biting the child back, washing out his mouth with soap, or placing Tabasco sauce on his tongue doesn’t help; such responses are far more likely to escalate conflict than resolve it, and may be considered abusive.
There are no magic remedies for biting. The most helpful responses begin with one essential element: supervision. Children who bite must be watched carefully. Look for patterns. Does your child bite at a certain time of day, perhaps when she is hungry or tired or when too much is going on around her? If you spot a pattern, use your knowledge to be especially watchful during those times.
Despite the most diligent supervision, biting often continues. Once biting occurs, there are three essential steps: preventing further injury, involving both children in healing, and showing compassion to both children.
1. Prevent further injury. Act at once. Separate the children and check the seriousness of the injury. Your actions should be firm and decisive, but kind. Try to remain calm, not letting your own frustration or feelings of anger fuel your response. Realize that time usually solves the problem, and know that you are doing all you can to deal with it. Keep words to a minimum, such as a calm “No biting.”
2. Involve both children in healing: Tend the wound and hurt feelings. Biting is particularly worrisome to parents because of the possibility of blood-borne disease. Adults and children tending the wound should wear plastic gloves, which provide protection and teach everyone concerned to avoid contact with blood. The child most at risk is the biter, who may have ingested blood, rather than the child who was bitten (this information—along with generous helpings of compassion and calm—may be useful when dealing with the bitten child’s distraught family). In addition to the physical wound, there are also feelings that have been wounded. Healing feelings requires compassion.
3. Show compassion for both children. Both children, the child who did the biting and the bitee, may feel hurt, distressed, and discouraged; both need to be shown compassion. Even the biter needs to know that you still care about him. Emotions run high after a biting incident, and the child who bites often finds himself villainized. Teachers march him to time-out and tell him to stay there all morning. Parents yell, send him to his room, and shun him. They frequently demand that preschools expel children who bite. (Please, remember to maintain confidentiality for both children when biting occurs in a caregiving setting.)
It may be difficult in all the tumult to remember that this tiny person probably bit out of frustration and immaturity, not evil intent. He cannot manage his impulses and probably can barely speak. What he really might need is a hug, as well as continued supervision. The child who was bitten suffers hurt feelings as well as hurt skin. Both need tender care.
A bite happens in a nanosecond. Even a child holding his mother’s hand might manage to chomp down on the child in the next stroller before his mom can stop him. In cases where biting becomes unmanageable, it may be necessary to give a youngster time to develop communication skills (perhaps including signing) while reducing
time spent with other children. If a child must be in continued contact with others, such as in a childcare setting, try having him carry a “bite-able” object. A small teething ring clipped to his shirt offers a temporary solution. Keep a close watch on the child while helping him learn he can always bite on his ring, but may not bite a person.
Reinforce gentle touches by saying, “We touch our friends like this,” as you model the action. If a child continues to bite after the age of three, it may be helpful to get a speech and hearing evaluation to ensure that language skills are developing appropriately.
Biting and Hitting
Q: I have twenty-one-month-old twin boys. I know that hitting and biting can happen at this age, but one of my boys hits and bites more than the other. When he hits me, I leave the room, but he still has his brother for entertainment. What would happen if I give the one who is behaving himself lots of attention and ignore the boy who hits?
A: Dealing with two toddlers at once can certainly be challenging. Our suggestions may be shocking to people who don’t understand Positive Discipline concepts: Consider paying more attention to the twin who is biting and hitting, and be sure to invite him to help you comfort his brother. No, this does not “reward” the misbehavior.
Giving a child the means to contribute to the well-being of another provides an experience of compassionate action. Your little one is frustrated about something and doesn’t have the skills to express his feelings. You can comfort him and teach him skills at the same time, but don’t expect your lessons to “stick” without supervision. Give the hitter or biter a hug for just a few seconds. Then say, “Look. Your brother is crying. Let’s go give him a hug.” (You are modeling hugging instead of hitting.) You are also helping him see the effects of his actions on others, a key step in developing empathy. After hugging for a few seconds, teach him a skill. Take his hand and show him how to “touch nicely.” If he has already bitten his brother, after a few seconds say, “Let’s go get some ice and help your brother feel better.” Then let him hold the ice on his brother’s bite.
Understanding development will help you recognize why this is helpful. Toddlers can’t understand abstract concepts, but they do develop a “sense of” feelings and ideas, and will begin to learn. For example, the child you rescue may develop a sense of being a victim and believe, “I need other people to take care of me. I am helpless.” Or, “Being a victim helps me get a sense of connection.” If you scold or punish the aggressor, this child may develop a sense of doubt and shame. His discouragement may actually motivate more “misbehavior.” When you show compassion for the needs of both children, you provide reassurance that you are there to help a child who cannot stop himself (remember, young children lack impulse control), and that you can be trusted to provide comfort when needed (for both the injured child and the aggressor).
SOCIAL INTEREST AND COMPASSION
In this chapter we have focused on some of the skills that children need when they interact with others. There is another social aspect of development as well: that of “social interest,” which is a blend of empathy and compassion. Alfred Adler, a pioneer in the field of families and children’s behavior, described “social interest” as concern for others and a sincere desire to make a contribution to society.
A big developmental leap occurs when a child begins to understand that the same emotions he feels and is learning to name—sadness, fear, or joy—are also felt by others. This is the beginning of empathy, and parallels his shift away from egocentricity toward the end of the toddler years. When a child brings a bandage for a child who has fallen and scraped her elbow, or shares lunch with a child who forgot hers, this developmental doorway begins to open. You can name and acknowledge a child’s acts of kindness and caring, and thus encourage more of the same.
As children enter into the lives of their families and schools, they want very much to feel that they belong. One of the most powerful ways to achieve a sense of belonging is to make a meaningful contribution to the well-being of others in the family or group.
For young children, there really is no difference between play and work. When a baby strives over and over again to grab a toy that is just out of reach, we say she is “playing” but actually she is hard at work, growing and developing new skills. Young children are usually eager to participate in whatever they see us doing, and the time to invite children to participate in the family is when they want to—not when they can do a task perfectly. Once you begin to see your youngster as an asset, he won’t seem to be “underfoot” so much.
COMPASSIONATE ROOTS
Compassion lies at the heart of social skills. Feeling capable and able to contribute to others is important. An eight-month-old hands her clean diaper to her dad when he is ready for it. A fifteen-month-old helps pile the bath toys into the tub. A two-year-old energetically helps mop up spills in the kitchen. These tasks are fun for youngsters and form the basic patterns for future learning. The next time your toddler picks up a precious vase or fragile flower, ask her to hand it to you instead of trying to take the item out of her hand. The transformation will be almost magical as she switches from resistance to willing compliance. Her response makes sense when you remember that children like to be helpful.
In fact, one study discovered that toddlers appear to have an inborn desire to help others. When a researcher on a ladder accidently “dropped” clothespins, every toddler in the study rushed to pick them up and hand them to the researcher. (The toddlers also picked up books and other items.) When the researcher threw items on the floor, however, he was on his own. The children only picked up the fallen objects when they sensed that the adult needed their help.
More critically, we are planting the seeds for empathy and compassionate action when we allow children to contribute to the well-being of others. Children, even little ones, can do any number of things to contribute to their family’s welfare. As you watch your little one during these first years of life, remember that he is watching you as well, and your example speaks more clearly than your words. Wise parents and caregivers will use a child’s natural desire to imitate adult behavior by modeling desired skills and welcoming a child’s involvement and help.
What will your child learn if you tell him to treat animals gently, but he then sees you angrily toss the cat outside after it claws the furniture? Will he learn compassion for others if he watches you sit comfortably on the bus while an elderly passenger stands nearby? Will he learn to speak respectfully if you holler across the room, admonishing him and his squabbling sisters to “quit yelling”? Which lessons will a child remember? Your words or your actions?
Remember those mirror neurons you read about in Chapter 3? Those neurons transmit their message as soon as a child sees an action performed. That means that if you want your child to be gentle, kind, and thoughtful, you must be a parent who hugs instead of hits, who demonstrates compassion and comforting actions instead of impatience or retribution, and who listens instead of lashing out in anger. Your skills will become her skills.
QUESTIONS TO PONDER
1. Over the next week, notice ways in which your child demonstrates empathy, compassion, or other positive social skills. Perhaps she patted your cheek when you seemed upset, offered an apple slice to her sister, or brought a tissue when she saw a classmate crying. Write down what you noticed. Acknowledge and name the child’s behavior to him:
“It is very kind of you to give Mommy a gentle touch.”
“Thank you for sharing with your sister.”
“Bringing a tissue to your friend was thoughtful, and helped him feel better.”
2. Give your child an opportunity to empathize with another’s suffering or to act compassionately. Some ideas are:
Read a book about a child or animal struggling with something difficult, such as feeling hurt when she is excluded by friends, feeling sad about moving from her home, or worrying about a new situation—a new school or a different babysitter, for example. Ask how that child
might be feeling. Name the feelings. Ask your child if he has ever felt like that.
Talk about the needs of others, such as people who are hungry or who cannot buy presents for a coming holiday. Invite your child to help in some way, perhaps by selecting canned foods to bring to a food bank or choosing toys she no longer uses to give to a child in need. How does your child feel when she experiences generosity?
1 For more information, see Sign with Your Baby by Joseph Garcia (Mukilteo, WA: Northlight Communications, 2002), or visit www.sign2me.com.
SECTION FOUR
THE WORLD OUTSIDE YOUR HOME
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NURTURED BY NATURE
As you explore what it means to be a parent or caregiver, it is wise (and important in ways that may surprise you) to consider another mother, the one we all share: Mother Nature. Mother Nature’s wisdom is that of the natural world that surrounds us. This book focuses on ways to encourage your toddler’s healthy development and to prevent problems. Interestingly, contact with nature can prevent or alleviate many common struggles while re-energizing us to deal with the rest. Mother Nature is always ready to impart her wisdom and experience. Nature silently surrounds us, in the quality of the air we breathe, as the source of the water flowing from our taps, and even in a piece of ripened fruit pollinated by unseen insects. It is easy to forget that you must consciously include nature in your life and the life of your child.
Sadly, nature and her gifts have all but disappeared from the lives of many families. Anxiety is a constant presence for parents and children; the world can seem dangerous and complex, and most parents struggle with finding the balance between explorations of the world “outside” and keeping children safe. In fact, anxiety is epidemic in twenty-first-century life—and most children catch anxiety from overprotective parents or the media. Life also has become increasingly busy. Parents work; children are rushed to and from childcare, and from one well-intentioned activity to another. There simply isn’t time (or so parents may believe) to get messy, to slow down, and to breathe in the world of nature.