As my eyes go back to my wife, I realise she’s oblivious to our son leaving us. Perhaps she’s used to his short attention span. Anyway, she’s listing all the reasons why I should stay here. Close to the doctors who treated me, people around all the time. In Denver, she’d need to be out job hunting. Which reminds me, I presume Buzzard, the treasurer would be the one to help me sort out how I’m financially sorted. Technically, I’m away from my job on medical leave, but I doubt I’ve got insurance or will continue to be paid. My bosses are an outlaw MC after all’s said and done.
Which reminds me. “If you stay here, Vanna, you don’t have to look for work. Or didn’t you like the tattoo parlour?”
“That’s not the point, Liz. It’s Cas who’s most important.”
“What about your husband?” I snap.
She throws up her hands. “Don’t make me choose between you,” she warns. “If I could clone myself, I would. You’re recovering from a major surgery, of course I want to be by your side, but you’ve got friends here to care for you.”
“Then move the kid’s school.”
As our discussion has become more heated, I’m staring at her, she’s glaring at me, and neither of us register Cas’s return until he drops into the chair opposite.
There’s a satisfied grin on his face as he announces, “All sorted.”
“What?” we ask simultaneously as our heads swing around.
He shrugs. “Mom stays here with you, Dad, and I go back to Denver and finish the school year. Then we’ve got the summer to decide where we’ll be living.”
“You’re not staying with Jordan,” Vanna starts.
“No,” Cas agrees, smirking. “I’ve just rung Lindy, explained the situation and I’ll be staying with her.” He grimaces slightly. “I think it might be harder than living with you, Mom. She’s already talking about a curfew, going straight home from school, and doing my homework. She made me promise to live by her rules. I’ll be staying there Monday to Friday and come back here at weekends.”
“Who’s Lindy?” I query.
Vanna has pulled her shoulders straight, and the smile on her face is genuine. “She’s my friend, a good friend from Denver. Cas is right, she will be strict with him, so I’ve got no worries there. I didn’t think of asking her.”
“You’ve been doing everything on your own too long, Mom,” Cas puts in rather objectively for a boy of his age. “You never lean on anyone. Lindy was more than happy to help, and pleased Dad’s out of hospital and recovering.”
“She expecting you there today?”
“Yup. Said she’s going to get a roast on later. You can take me whenever you want to. I’ll go repack my bag, again.”
He must have unpacked after we were escorted back to the compound yesterday.
I want to offer to drive him. Fuck, I want to get off this couch without having to work through the logistics of getting my crutches under me. The least I can do is offer to keep my wife company.
“I’ll come with you.”
“No, Liz. I don’t want to take the risk. What if we hit a bump in the road and it hurts your head? You’re tired and should be resting. It’s not just there, it’s back again too, remember. That’s at least four hours driving—”
“Sorted,” Cas says in a singsong voice from right beside me. He looks proud of himself.
I’d seen him headed to the stairs, but it seems he hadn’t made it up them. Beef’s standing next to him with a hand on his shoulder.
It’s the VP who enlightens us as to what they’ve been talking about. “Lizard, whether you remember or not, you’re a member. Cas is your kid. Prospects are there for whatever you want them for. If you need help taking your boots on and off, just ask them, hell got a problem taking your pants off for a shit, they’ll be pulling them down for you. They’ll do whatever you ask. So fuckin’ ask one of them to drive Cas to Denver.”
“Will they mind?” I ask, seeing a solution there. Vanna won’t have to do four hours of driving, and while I don’t like admitting it, staying here resting will be better for me.
“Will they mind taking your pants off so you can crap?” Beef’s grinning widely.
“I meant, fuckin’ taking my kid to Denver,” I growl. “I’m perfectly capable of handling my own shit.”
Beef snorts. “Fuckin’ sure you are, Brother.” He nudges me not so gently on the shoulder. “As for the prospects? If they want their patch bad enough, they won’t say one fuckin’ word of complaint.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Vanna
“Are you sure you don’t mind, Lindy?” I say into the phone. It’s a lot to ask of her.
“Of course I don’t. I mind more you didn’t already think to ask me. This is your chance to see if you can get back together with Lizard. There’s only been one person for you, Vanna, you’ve stayed faithful to him all this time. This gives you a chance to get to know him again without simultaneously having to manage a relationship between him and his son.”
I don’t tell her he’s not been faithful to me. I’m still not totally comfortable with that. Telling myself he didn’t know he had commitments at the time only goes partway to accepting other women have had what I thought was mine alone.
“I’m wondering if I’m doing the right thing,” I admit. “He needs to get to know Cas…”
“He’ll have his chance at the weekends,” she says fast. “Vanna, Cas is a teenager, no more difficult than others his age, but his hormones are running riot right now, you know that. You and Lizard need to see whether you can work things out together. If you can, you can put on a united front. Won’t do Cas any good to have one parent saying he can, and the other he can’t. The way I see it is if Lizard feels pressured to step up and take the parental role, he might take the wrong one as he’s suddenly had an unruly son dumped on him out of the blue. He could be overindulgent, or too strict and push him away. I think you and Lizard concentrating on yourselves for now is better than adding Cas into the mix from the get-go.”
She’s right I suppose. Though I still feel I’m abandoning my son.
“Cas wants this, you know?” Lindy impresses on me. “When he called, he sounded mixed up. He wanted a dad, but he’s got a man he doesn’t know. Worse than that, someone who doesn’t know himself. While Cas is here during the week, it will stabilise him. Apart from not being with you at home, he’ll have his normal routine. At weekends he’ll come to visit you, but he’ll know he’s got an escape route if it gets too much. Don’t worry about him, I won’t go easy on him. He’s agreed to abide by what I say.”
“He’s told me that before too,” I grumble.
She laughs. “You’re his mom, you’re supposed to knock your heads together. I’m his friend, his proxy aunt. He’ll be on his best behaviour with me. I know despite what I say you’re going to be concerned, you’re his mom. But you’re only two hours away. If there are any problems, I’ll give you a call.”
She’s right. It isn’t like I’m at the other side of the world if I needed to get back to Denver. “I can’t tell you how grateful I am.”
“You can pay me back by introducing me to a hot biker.”
I bark a laugh. “You never know.”
We end the call after exchanging a few more pleasantries. As soon as I say my goodbyes, Cas enters the room.
“You called her?” At my I nod, he adds, “I told you she was okay with it.”
“Are you alright, Cas? Please tell me you don’t think I’m putting Lizard’s needs in front of yours.”
“Mom.” His tone is serious as he walks over to me. “I’ve been your top priority since I was born. Sure, though I don’t always admit it, I still need my mom. Can’t see a day when I won’t. But at the moment, Dad needs you more, and you’re right to put him first. Maybe we’ll end up moving here, maybe we won’t. Maybe Dad will make his home with us, or perhaps you won’t be able to make it work. But right now, he’s hurting, Mom.”
“He could have come back with us
to Denver.” Should I feel guilty I don’t want him there? Not this stranger in a place I made for Cas and me.
“Mom. I don’t know anything about relationships, but this one is so hard. You’ve got to get to know each other all over again, and that’s best done in a place you’ve both got space. Our house is cramped. Crowded together, we could just get on each other’s nerves.”
“Where did you learn to be so sensible?”
He grins. “Well, I didn’t get my sense from my mom.” He ducks to miss my playful swipe.
Half an hour later, he’s getting into an SUV with Dirt driving, with instructions to text me as soon as he arrives which make him and the prospect exchange glances which are heavily based on the rolling of eyes. Then I’m waving him off as Nails opens the gate. I stand, watching the car as they drive out of sight.
“You’re going to miss him.” Liz tells me what I already know.
I don’t reply, just think to myself that I’ll feel like I’m missing a limb. I trust Lindy, though. He’s fourteen, not a baby, but I still have tears in my eyes.
The old Lizard would have held me, comforted me. That he makes no move to do so shows how far apart we are. Perhaps Lindy was right. Taking away the necessity to keep one eye on my son gives me the chance to know whether the feelings I’ve maintained for Liz all these years, apply to the man beside me.
Over the next week, we settle into a routine. Lindy gives me daily updates and Cas seems to be behaving himself. My son checks in by text, letting me know he’s doing alright, and asking whether Liz is making any improvements.
He is, but slowly, almost imperceptibly, but that’s to be expected as recovery is bound to take time. He’s still plagued by headaches, and takes a lot of naps, often needing persuasion to rest as the doctor’s had told him. But when I can’t convince him to go and lie down, one of his brothers does so for me. I can see why they elected Mace to enforce the rules, having hidden a smile more than once at the way he barks for Liz to go get his head the fuck down.
Knowing there’ll be people watching out for Lizard, I don’t need to worry about him as I settle into my new job, finding it’s not demanding at all and enjoying it. Jonah’s a laugh, and while Weston is quiet, he’s pleasant and good at his work. Vi’s relieved to be able to concentrate on what she loves, sketching designs and working a tattoo gun.
The first week I concentrate on getting the books up-to-date, and by Wednesday afternoon have presented the accounts to Buzzard, who scrutinises them carefully while I shift from foot to foot, feeling like I’ve been summoned in front of the principal. When at last he turns with a smile and a sharp nod, I’m relieved. Seems I’ve done it right after all.
Friday afternoon it’s Beaver this time who drives up to Denver to collect Cas and bring him back while I’m still at work. The last couple of hours go slowly, and I’m out that door fast when six o’clock comes around.
Jeannie nods as I enter via the kitchen, having parked around the back. “Cas is in there with Lizard.” She jerks her head toward the clubroom.
“Mom.” Cas stands as I approach, and soon his arms come around me for a quick hug. Not too long, as it’s not cool to show too much affection for his mom in public.
“I’ve missed you,” I tell him, holding him at arm’s length and examining him head to toe, just to check he hasn’t lost weight or has visible injuries. Is it my imagination or has he grown taller?
“I’ve only been gone five days,” he retorts, but he’s grinning.
Hearing someone clearing their throat, I glance down at Liz. It’s such a hassle getting to his feet, he doesn’t bother to stand, but there’s a big smile on his face.
“Dad’s hand is better, isn’t it?” Cas tells me.
Again I look toward Liz, and then at his right hand as he flexes and closes it. Has it improved? If so, it’s a minimal improvement, but possibly more noticeable to Cas who hasn’t seen him all week.
“You know, I think the boy’s right.” Lizard sounds pleased.
“It has, Dad,” Cad insists. “See if you can hold this.” He picks up an empty bottle that’s been left on the adjacent table and hands it to him.
Very, very carefully, Liz tries to hold it in his right hand, and then tries to lift it up. His eyes meet mine and they’re beaming. He couldn’t do that last week. Baby steps, but in the right direction.
When Cas takes his bag upstairs, I follow him up. His week’s been fine, he tells me, his schoolwork is all good. He got a B on a math test, which is excellent for him. But before I can fully interrogate him, he turns the tables on me.
“How have you and Dad been, Mom?”
I can’t tell him any more than we’re much about the same as when he left. I walk to the bed and sit on it. The bed, luckily a large king-size, that tonight I’ll share with my son, and not the man I’m supposed to love. Do I love him? Or am I clinging on to the man I knew before? Is he really the same as he was then? Are the differences because I’ve moved on? Or is he not so much stuck in the past as he thinks? Have his experiences shaped him, even though he can’t remember actual facts or events?
“Mom.” Cas comes to sit beside me. “To be honest, I’d hoped, but didn’t expect to return to find everything resolved. Of course I want Dad in my life, but I want you happy.” He picks up my left hand, and as he’d done when he was small, turns my wedding ring on my finger. “If Dad had stayed, if he hadn’t been hurt in that explosion, then it could be that you’d have grown apart and gotten divorced. You may not still be together.”
“I’ve never wanted anyone else, Cas.”
“Because you always knew he was out there. I wouldn’t have minded, Mom, if you had found someone. As long as I got on with him, of course.”
“What if Dad and I do get back together? Would you be okay with that?”
He shrugs. “This is what these weekends are for, aren’t they, Mom? They’re for all of us.”
Saturday I work, but Sunday the shop is closed, so I’m free to spend the day with Lizard and Cas.
It’s actually Lizard who comes up with the idea. He approaches it a little awkwardly.
“Do you want to do something different today?” When I question him with my eyes, he continues, “I’m fed up with these walls around me, and I’m sure you are too. I’ve been talking to Mace. The San Isabel National Forest isn’t too far away, and it’s a lovely day. Of course I won’t be able to walk far, but I thought we could take a picnic. Just get out and get some fresh air.”
It sounds good to me. “Cas?”
“Yeah, Dad. I’m up for that.”
Biting my tongue, I try not to comment. Is this my son? Or has Lindy sent someone else back in his place? Outdoors and picnics are certainly not at the top of the list of things I’d have said he likes to do most.
Having gotten into this idea that prospects are there to be used, Liz has a quick word with Beef, and only an hour later, Dirt is driving us out in the SUV. His invite I take because Liz has a lack of confidence in himself and he doesn’t want to be alone with just me and Cas, in case he topples off his crutches or something.
When we arrive, Liz is the last one out of the vehicle, taking his time to get his crutches into place and under him. While he’s become more practiced with them in the intervening week, now Cas has pointed it out to me, I see there are small improvements. His movements are stronger, and he’s putting a little weight on his right leg. He’s also more confident as he swings himself along, with Dirt hovering close and making himself useful by carrying the picnic basket which Jeannie had prepared.
It had been a good suggestion to get away from the club. Once Liz has himself settled on a blanket, Dirt makes himself scarce, leaving us alone. The sun shines in a cloudless sky, and a gentle breeze blows the scent of wildflowers and pine our way. The highest peaks of the mountains are still covered with snow. It’s beautiful and peaceful.
Jeannie’s done us proud, and the food is consumed fast. Cas walks off to explore, and reaching out, I t
ake Liz’s hand.
“I needed this,” I tell him.
“How’s work? You getting on okay?”
“I’m enjoying it.” I wink at him. “Now I’ve sorted out the mess you made of the books.”
For a moment I wonder whether I should have teased him as there’s a strange look on his face. Then he shakes his head. “You’ve changed so much, Evangeline, but in a good way. So much more confident, so much new knowledge in that head. Back then you were my wife and I loved you, but I never thought you were my equal. Sounds bad, I know. But it was my job to provide and care for you. Now that’s been turned on its head.”
“Do you mind?” I query, softly. Knowing if we’ve got out of lockstep, there’ll be no pretending we can pick up where we left off. I won’t go back to the woman who simply tends house.
“You know? I don’t think I do. I admire you, Vanna. Admire who’ve you’ve become. But now I wonder whether I’m good enough for you.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Lizard
Watching Vanna’s face as she has to wave Cas off again after the enjoyable outing we had today, it’s impossible to read what’s in her mind.
I hadn’t been certain a picnic would be a good idea, or one that would have gone down well with a boy his age, but it turned out to be enjoyable for all of us. A chance to unwind, relax, and be a family unit for a few hours.
Now Vanna’s being parted from her son again. She’s sad, that’s easy to see, and clearly hates to be apart from him. That she needs to be is down to me. Does she resent it? Resent me? I don’t know.
Something holds me back from stepping in and offering her comfort. It’s not just the crutches I still need as support that prevent me taking her into my arms.
I don’t know my place anymore.
It would have been a mistake to try to pick up from where I’d believed I’d left off, before my career in the Marines had ended so abruptly with that blow to my head. Vanna is not the same woman she was then. Am I still the same man?
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