Hear Me Now

by Brittany Bly

  “He’ll find you. I guarantee that. That boy loved you more than his next breath,” Mom says Fox asleep in her lap.

  Whether what she said is true or not, I can’t forget. I could forgive Blaine, for me, but there would be no rekindling what once was there. I couldn’t put myself in that position again. I wouldn’t. I glance back to my laptop that holds his image closed within.

  ×××

  “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this” I grumble when we step into the hot room.

  “Quit complaining. It’s not only exercise, but it also detoxifies your body, and we both know we need that” Marissa says nudging past me.

  We haven’t even started, and my skin is already sticky. But she isn’t wrong, my mind and body are in serious need of releasing their toxins. I just didn’t have this in mind.

  Only a few people are set up and waiting patiently for the instructor to arrive.

  “Where should we go?” I ask looking around for enough empty space, so we wouldn’t disturb the more committed attendees.

  Marissa points to a corner that will give us enough room to spread out “There.” Unrolling our mats, we sit and begin waiting like the others. “You’ll love it just wait and see,” she says grinning at me. She begins stretching – first her arms then she incorporates her legs. “You’ll run all over this damn city but let someone try to get you to branch out, and you about have a stroke.”

  “I don’t feel like dying of heat exhaustion before the class even starts,” I say wiping the sweat collecting on my forehead. The sweat is beginning to pool between my breasts. It didn’t help that the sports bra I chose to wear smashes them together. I can only imagine how Marissa feels. She’s much more blessed in that area than me, and her sports bra looks to be the same size as mine.

  “Hi, everyone! Thanks for joining me today!” the peppy instructor exclaims as she walks in. She’s obviously someone that has been doing this a long time. Mid- forties, she looks terrific. Every inch of her five-three body is sculpted and toned – her small shorts and sports bra extenuating it. Taking her spot at the front of the class “I see several old faces along with a few new ones. Welcome, whether this is your first time or seventh” smiling broadly, she continues “let’s get started.” She begins walking us through, explaining each pose, her soothing voice speaking of the hold times while also telling us to clear our minds and “be one with the earth.”

  Unlike the other people within the class, there’s only so much “yoga talk” I can take before my irritation builds. Sweat is now freely sliding down various body parts with each position I take. My skin has taken on a shiny appearance, my chest rising and falling more frequently as my exhaustion increases. Thankfully, Miss Peppy stands, raising her arms above her head, stretching she smiles brightly “You did it. I hope to see each of you again.”

  Without any further interruptions, I immediately reach for my water draining half of it in one gulp. Muscles, that I wasn’t even sure I had, are aching and making their existence known. I run every day, I guess not all were being used whereas she made each one pull their own weight just in these forty minutes. Maybe Marissa had been right, my body did need this… but I sure as hell am not going to tell her that.

  Chapter Nine

  The studio is quiet, the guys are talking in the recording booth, the speakers allowing us on the outside to hear. They discuss a specific part of the song they are recording, and they each have their own idea of how it should sound. I watch as creative minds pour out in such a small space.

  Before you start throwing judgment my way after the big deal I made about being on vacation, I was put in a predicament that was impossible to say no to. Marissa’s boss, you know one of those big wigs in the higher levels of a large company, called me personally and asked if I would shoot candid photos of Ashes during the days leading up to their first headlining tour. An article is going to be published about them, and they need pictures to go with the written words.

  I did decline, but when he threw almost triple what I usually make into the equation, well, I would have been stupid not to take it. Now here I am, my shutter continuously snapping since I stepped through the threshold.

  “Ah, fuck it, come on guys I’m not staying here all night while you fight this out” Axton shouts throwing his hands up in the air and storming out into the larger lounge area.

  I pull away from my viewfinder just as Cohen follows him throwing an empty water bottle at the back of his head “Shut the hell up and sit down. You’ll be here like the rest of us until it’s finished.”

  Blaine walks out staring down at the words written on the notepad. His face is drawn in concentration as he tries to work through the lyrics in his head “Your yelling isn’t helping it speed along either, asshat.”

  I lift my camera, framing Blaine. I push the button capturing the look that shows the artist at work – perfecting his craft.

  Todd, their manager, ends his call walking over to where the guys have thrown themselves onto the couch “Hey fellows, do you want food ordered?”

  Each mumble something and Todd nods making a note on his phone so not to miss anything. He turns his attention to me, smiling, “I know this look. They’ll be here all night if that’s what it takes. You want a burger?”

  Night’s already here and I’ve been at the studio with them since this morning. My brain whirls figuring out how long I actually need to stay. With the money I’m being paid, I need to make sure I get plenty of different shots. “Sure. Let me grab you some cash” I go to grab my wallet, but Todd laughs stopping me.

  “No need, it’s our treat.”

  I protest, but he simply smiles and waves me away. Rolling my eyes, I sneak off to another corner to get a different view of the huddle they’ve created. Blaine and Hensley lean in toward one another, Hensley points at the paper humming a tune.

  Blaine nods “That’s good, Hens.” Humming another tune, Blaine jots down something adding to what Hensley had put down. They do this for some time – going back and forth. Blaine writes down everything. Quiet Hensley filling in the blanks to his melody. One after another. Cohen and Axton sit across from them, watching the exchange silently. Not interrupting the process unfolding at the moment.

  I wonder how many times this has happened, just as it is now. I inch closer, wanting only to get a closer look at the creativity flowing from them. Serious expressions mar their faces as they try to work through the gaps – piecing them together one section at a time. I see the same passion I experience when I edit my photos. Though this is different… the passion that drives us is simmering under the surface. Making us who we are. Artists. We thrive on the process of creating, of bringing our vision to life. It’s not just a job, it’s something more… something profound, and it connects each one of us no matter what type of art we create.

  The food arrives, and I find a corner to hunker down in, away from everyone else. I have to admit the burger is delicious. I’ll have to trust people more often when it comes to choosing my food. I flip through the images on my camera as I eat, seeing what I’ve got so far. While I look through them, I alternate between eating my massive burger and sipping on my tea. There is a good variety of shots, but I need to make sure I get plenty to choose from.

  Clothing rustles near me, and I look up to find Cohen standing over me. I raise an eyebrow in question, keeping my resting bitch face in place. I don’t want to give the impression of being too friendly with any of them, soon I will not have to see them anymore.

  “Mind if I join you, ma’am?” Cohen asks sarcastically.

  “Wouldn’t you rather sit somewhere else?” I counter, keeping my face unchanging.

  “I see these fuckers every day. It’s rare there is someone new I can talk to,” he says sitting down not waiting for my approval.

  I glance around the room, Blaine and Hensley still have their heads together over the paper, neither of them has touched their food. Axton, on the other hand, is
devouring his burger while playing on his phone, viewing god knows what.

  “Is it always like this? I mean when you guys are writing?” I say taking another bite.

  “The majority of the time, yeah. They get sucked into this whole other world” Cohen looks in their direction grinning “Not even you could bring Blaine back until he’s finished.”

  “Why would I have any effect on him either way?” I snap.

  “You might play dumb with everyone… hell even yourself, but you can’t with me” he says, turning serious.

  Standing I grab my trash, I don’t respond, I just turn and leave him sitting there. Anger begins to course through my veins, and I’ve got to get away from him before I release it. He doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

  ×××

  Cohen wasn’t lying. Around midnight the guys finally work through the problems they saw with the song and begin to pack up. They each have tired looking eyes and stretch. I’m sure they are stiff, not moving for hours will do that to you. I’ve captured plenty of material the magazine can work with during my hours here, but like anything else, I’ll go through them and send only the best.

  I sling my bag over my shoulder and begin to make my way toward the door. Something causes me to stop. My breath hitches as I catch sight of Blaine. He’s still, his eyes locked on me. Though we are at opposite ends of the room, I feel like he’s standing right in front of me. I hold his gaze longer than I should, and I drag myself out of the room.

  Chapter Ten

  My staycation’s flying by, but honestly, I don’t even know if I can really call it that since I’ve worked… maybe just a short week. Sitting around the apartment isn’t really my idea of fun anyway, but I didn’t have a backup plan when my original vacation was ruined, so here I sit.

  Fox and I are curled up on the couch watching reruns of The X-Files eating a bag of beef jerky, so not a total waste. Mulder comes into frame, leaning down, I whisper into Fox’s ear, “That’s your daddy.” He doesn’t seem impressed, his amber eyes judging me, “Don’t look at me like that, sir.” Before our conversation can escalate any further, my phone dings. I swipe the front screen unlocking it to find a text from Marissa.

  Marissa: Hey girlie what plans do you have tonight?

  I look over at Fox “Anything big planned tonight?” to which he jumps off the couch and leaves the room, “Well, I take that as a no.”

  Lila: What do you have in mind?

  I set it in my lap and turn my focus back to the tv. Mulder’s once again trying to convince Scully about the existence of aliens and the paranormal in general. If I were Scully, I wouldn’t need much convincing, most of the time, he has legitimate evidence. Without looking, I pick up my phone when it dings “Come on now, Scully” I mumble at the tv. Dragging my eyes from the tv, I blink a couple of times before looking at my phone.

  Marissa: I set up a blind date for you. Tada!

  Lila: Why… would you do that?

  Marissa: Because I love you. You haven’t been on a date in like a year, and it would be good for you to get out of your apartment. You’ll thank me.

  If it were up to Marissa and my mother, I would be married by now with a herd of children. When I don’t respond, she automatically sends me the specifics. Apparently, I’m meeting this guy at Bathtub Gin and Co at seven. She doesn’t tell me a lot about him, just that she met him at work, and I would like him. She has tried this before, but they didn’t work out for some reason or another. At least I would get out for a little bit, have some drinks, and a plus is I don’t have to stay too long if I don’t want to.

  ×××

  The bar was hard to find. When I turned down the alley following my GPS, I thought I had gotten lost. During my fussing at my phone, a door caught my eye, and I sheepishly apologize to it. Not willing to make it mad since it’s indeed my lifeline. But I still manage to get here before seven despite the confusion. I sit at the bar with my back facing the door. I don’t want to see who’s coming and going or the mystery man when he arrives. When the bartender makes his rounds, I order a whiskey sour to sip on while I wait to see if this guy is actually going to show.

  The environment’s relaxing, an instrumental tune softly plays in the background. People move about the bar, and it’s some time before someone takes the seat next to me. I stare straight ahead, concentrating on my drink rather than the body beside me. There’s no telling if it’s him or someone random, so I don’t give them a chance by engaging.

  “Is this seat taken?” a familiar deep voice asks.

  My back straightens, I hate my body’s reaction to his voice. I turn slowly and am once again met with those beautiful green eyes. They roam over my face before dropping to my drink “Ah, whiskey sour. At least some things haven’t changed.”

  When I regain the ability to speak, I ask, “Blaine, what are you doing here?”

  Quirking an eyebrow, Blaine asks in confusion, “Marissa set this up?”

  Several murder scenes run through my mind and I down the rest of my drink mumbling “Of course she did.”

  “Honestly I should’ve known something was up when she said you had agreed” he answers.

  “And why did you agree?”

  “It’s taken me five years to get in the same room as you. I would have done anything that little china doll wanted to get here.”

  His honesty rings in my ears. I can feel him staring at the side of my face. Waiting. I would be lying if I said that his words didn’t have an effect, but they always had. My mother’s voice whispers through my head, take this chance. I know deep down she’d been right. We both needed closure, and this could be our chance. “How have you been?” I asked, tilting my head to glance in his direction.

  If he’s caught off guard by me willingly participating, he doesn’t let it show. “Just been going through the motions. What about you? You look good.”

  One side of my mouth lifts into a half smile “I have been good. Life’s good right now.”

  “Yeah, life’s been chaotic since we signed with the label” Blaine rubs the back of his neck looking away before continuing “I don’t know if it matches the dream I had in my head, ya know.”

  “It’ll get better. I’m sure it just takes some adjusting” I answer staring at his downcast face.

  Blaine nods holding up his hand he signals for the bartender to bring him a beer. He doesn’t drink it right away but idly twists it, looking down the neck of the bottle. Sitting here, just him and me, the tension that surrounds us doesn’t feel as thick. My muscles don’t feel as tight as a sense of relaxation that I didn’t realize I’d been missing.

  “Why did you run, Scully?” Blaine whispers looking at me with such sadness in his eyes.

  I knew this was inevitable. When I had the realization that this was what we needed to do, I knew there would be questions I needed to answer. There, in turn, truthful answers need to be given. I would never be ready for this conversation no matter how much time passed, but I guess that time was now. Inhaling deeply, I meet his gaze and try to convey all the emotions I’ve kept locked away. “That night, when I saw you in the hall… my heart was destroyed. You were the other piece of my soul and that night… I felt as if that piece was ripped from my body.”

  I’m unable to hold his gaze any longer, and I have to look down at my glass. “At first, I couldn’t bring myself to speak to you. As the days passed, I realized that my life had become so dependent on yours that I couldn’t imagine a life without you. That didn’t sit well with me, especially with all the negative feelings swirling inside my head about you at the time. So, I decided it was best for me to let you go.”

  Silence. That’s what meets me after the last of the words leave my mouth. I don’t think I’ve heard silence this loud before. It takes me a minute to get up the courage to look at him. When I do, he’s looking down at his beer, his jaw ticking.

  I take a sip of my drink, and I’m about to open my mouth to
continue unable to take the silence when he speaks. Blaine’s voice is strained “You decided it was best for you to let me go? What about me? You didn’t even give me a chance to explain. You threw me away like I meant nothing.”

  As each word comes from his mouth, it’s like I’m struck physically and I have to look away. He’s looking at me when I turn back to him. His eyes are blazing with anger and resentment. I once again look away, unable to see the pain that I’ve caused. “I’m sorry. We were young, and I got scared…” I trailed off, unable to finish my thought.

  “Do you know what it was like for me after you left? Do you even care? Or were you only concerned about yourself?” he asks his expression hardening.

  Closing my eyes, I let his words sink in. I deserve his anger. Had I cared? Maybe some part of me had, but I had been in self-preservation mode, to scared to think of what could happen to me.

  “I loved you. My whole future revolved around you and I honestly didn’t want it any other way,” he says, taking a long draw from his beer.

  “You’ve accomplished so much, Blaine. I really am proud of you.”

  “You think I give a shit about any of this. I would gladly give it up to be able to wake up beside you each morning even if we were living in a box,” he downs the rest of the beer slamming the bottle on the bar. “Bartender, another one!”

  I stare at my drink, the amber-colored liquid still among the ice remaining untouched. “Blaine, I would like us to try and be friends. I think we could both use the closure of that chapter in our relationship, maybe its time to start a new one?” I asked glancing at him from the corner of my eye, trying to gauge his reaction.