‘Sure.’
‘When should you worry about lumps on bollocks?’
‘What sort of lumps?’
‘Like they’re not his bollocks but there’s something there. Tom won’t see a doctor. I just keep telling him but he keeps swerving. Would Simon have a look? Or you?’
‘Kid, I love your husband but see a specialist. It’s probably nothing. I’ll text you some numbers.’
‘Sure. I’ve drunk too much. I can’t feel my face.’
‘Keep drinking, will make it easier to beat you at Scrabble later.’
‘You wish…’
It’s then we hear it. It’s not like we’ve not heard this noise before in this very house but we hear the sound of Lucy screeching from in the hallway. Knowing her, she’s having a fight with someone or opened a good present or is just being Lucy. But I hear Simon’s voice too. I hear her run around upstairs and then a scuffle. We look out to the patio as something falls onto the slabs. The children run and press their faces against the window.
‘It’s a phone. A phone has fallen out of the sky,’ says Iris.
We all stand to attention in that room. Tom springs into action.
‘Girlies, who wants to watch some television with Uncle Tom?’
Iris, Violet, Tess and Eve all climb on top of him and I watch Meg make her move, her gallop echoing on the stairs. Dad closes the living room door to drown out the noise from upstairs. Mum and Grace soon follow but I just stand still because I know what this is about. Christmas Day, Simon? You have truly excelled yourself. I take a slow walk up the stairs of my parents’ house to see all four Callaghan girls and my mother taking him on.
‘He literally was in the spare room talking to some girl about all the things he wanted to do to her. I heard every word,’ shrieks Lucy.
‘I was talking about a procedure at the hospital!’ he protests.
‘Involving licking someone’s clit?’ Lucy retorts. Grace, Meg and Beth shake their heads silently.
‘And then your sister threw my phone out of the window!’ explains Simon.
‘You’re lucky I didn’t throw your lying arse out that window.’
Meg comes over to back Lucy up. ‘What the hell, Simon? What the actual hell? Your kids are downstairs! Your daughters!’ she shouts.
‘Emma, it really is not what you think.’
‘Then what is it?’ I ask.
He looks at me like he always does. You know what this is about. You’ll never leave me. I stand back from the melee.
‘He had some tart on FaceTime and she literally had her gash on show.’
‘Lucy, if you could be slightly less vulgar,’ requests my mother.
‘Me? He’s here doing what he’s done for years. You are such a complete bellend. Please Emma, have some fucking sense for once.’ She slurs her words as she’s been on the sherry too but she looks me in the eye. Stop doing this to yourself, Ems. Stop this now. Grace holds my hand tightly. Meg points at him and I see her fury, how much emotion this dredges up in her.
‘I literally want to rip off your cock.’
‘Meg, please,’ I whisper.
Beth fumes silently, crying next to me at seeing this unfold. And my heart aches. It was broken anyway. I was broken. But I always thought there was no way it’d ever repair itself. Today tells me differently. Today reveals all these people to me who are bigger than my marriage. In some rare cosmic occurrence, all five Callaghan sisters are together. No one is at the in-laws, no one is working a shift or travelling. We are here in force. My marriage was so insular before, I always thought it was about me and him but really what I went through was felt by others too; people who would love you whatever the storm, who’d guide you through it, who wouldn’t ever allow you to drown. I see tears. I see fury. I see heart.
‘Who is she? Just some slapper? How old was she? Does she know you’re married?’
‘Ems? Ems?’
‘Keep the girls downstairs, David. Play something on the piano!’
‘I needed that phone for work.’
‘You’re a shitty human being.’
‘This is my marriage and nothing to do with you.’
‘Emma, you are better than this wanker!’
‘I’m begging you. Don’t let him keep doing this to you.’
‘Get out of my goddamn house, before I throw you out.’
‘Takes a slut to know one…’
‘You better find yourself a fucking good lawyer.’
I don’t know who’s saying the words now but I just stand here trying to work out where to go next. I see the fist flying and make contact with Simon’s nose. I see blood. I hear Lucy cheer and Grace catch my mother as she falls from the sheer force. She did what? Mum? Beth’s hands cover her mouth in shock. Meg is laying into Simon that he’s lucky that’s all he gets. Someone locks her in the bathroom. Blood. Everywhere. Pumping out of his veins and his slightly crooked nose. She’s broken that. I throw up. All I can smell is mince pie and blood and I prop myself against a wall, Beth holds me up and wraps her body around mine. I realise it’s all very much over, this marriage of mine. This is the point I finish it. Where I give you back. This is where I start again.
(It’s never) THE END
If Can I Give My Husband Back? gave you a bellyache from laughing, don’t miss out on Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life? which guarantees to make you cry with laughter!
This hilarious page-turner tells Meg’s story, which starts when something shocking and unexpected turns up in the post for her husband. Something that definitely wasn’t in their wedding vows.
Get it here!
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Books by Kristen Bailey
Can I Give My Husband Back?
Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
Available in audio
Can I Give My Husband Back? (available in the UK and the US)
Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life? (available in the UK and the US)
Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
It’s normal for your washing machine to get more action than you, right?
I wake up, bleary-eyed. It’s been two years, six months and three hours since I last shaved my legs, and the llama-patterned knickers I’m wearing have seen better days.
We have seven minutes before the kids wake up, and my husband shuffles closer. ‘Ouch,’ he says, a piece of Lego sticking into his back.
Then, a light comes on in the landing. Small footsteps creep down the stairs. A little voice screams, ‘IS SOMEONE COMING TO MAKE BREAKFAST?!’
All hope of having some ‘alone time’ is replaced with wondering if we’ve run out of Cheerios, thinking about the overflowing laundry, and remembering that I forgot to take out the recycling. Again.
Just a typical Monday morning for the Morton family…
Except today, when I go downstairs in my dressing gown, I find something. Something belonging to my husband. Something that definitely wasn’t in the wedding vows. And it’s either going to make us… or break us.
An utterly hilarious and unmissable novel for anyone who has ever felt like they spend more time washing the dishes than getting lucky. Fans of Why Mummy Drinks and The Unmumsy Mum, and rom-coms by Sophie Ranald and Sophie Kinsella, will ugly laugh at this gloriously funny and relatable read.
Get it here!
A Letter from Kristen
Dear Reader,
You’re bloody marvellous! You’re back again (or maybe you’re new?) Either way, it’s lovely to meet you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my book. I hope that you’ve cried, cheered and laughed with Emma and enjoyed her story. If you are new to my writing then go find Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life? which is all about Meg, Emma’s older sister. And if you liked Beth, Grace and Lucy then their stories will be
coming to you in the very near future – keep up to date with when they’re released by signing up at the following link. Your email address will never be shared and you can unsubscribe at any time.
Sign up here!
I love Emma (like a sister, one would say) but I was never sure how I was going to write a book about divorce. My marriage is far from perfect but I quite like my husband so I looked at it from the flip side, as a surviving child of divorce. My own parents split when I was twenty-one in possibly the most amicable split in history. They still go on holiday together and buy each other Christmas presents. So from their story and observing divorce amongst my friends and acquaintances, it inspired me to write about divorce from a different angle, focussing on the multitude of ways in which relationships, families and love exist in the aftermath. Divorce can spike so many emotions – we hear a lot about the sadness, the conflict and the pain but when the dust settles, it also can lead people to better places, happier times and ask them to be kinder humans. I’d love for the hope and forgiveness in this book to shine through or, at least, that Emma’s story makes you obsess over hummus, the shaping of your own pubic hair and Nike Air Max.
I’d be thrilled to hear from any of my readers, whether it be with reviews, questions or just to say hello. If you like retweets of videos of dancing pandas then follow me on Twitter. Have a gander at Instagram, my Facebook author page and website too for updates, ramblings and to learn more about me. Like, share and follow away – it’d be much appreciated.
And if you enjoyed Can I Give My Husband Back? then I would be overjoyed if you could leave me a review on either Amazon or Goodreads to let people know. It’s a brilliant way to reach out to new readers. And don’t just stop there, tell everyone you know, send to all on your contacts list, announce it on WhatsApp groups. It also makes a wonderful gift. Not to your own husband, of course.
With much love and gratitude,
Kristen
xx
www.kristenbaileywrites.com
Acknowledgements
Bookouture! You’re just a bloody marvellous thing and as a publisher, you’ve provided me with so much support, love and camaraderie. You are book FAMILY and I can’t think of a better place for my books to be. To the many who bring my books to life, my sincerest love and thanks. And Christina, you’re still the proper bestest editor there is, thank you for helping me find my funny and for your overwhelming enthusiasm in all that you do.
My husband, Nick, never fairs well from the titles of my books so a thank you to him for enduring. I’ve often thought of exchanging you for Idris Elba but truth is I know he wouldn’t be as good a tea boy as you. So yes, I never want to give you back. You’re stuck with me. The kids like you better anyway.
This book is, in part, about sisters and I have the best sister in the world. Her name is Leanne and she’s the same height as Kylie. We went ice skating one year and we recreated Torvill and Dean’s ‘Boléro’, we even sang the music. The rest of the family pretended not to know us. No doubt, you are the best sibling of the three of us (we don’t count the brother because he smells) and all the funniest lines in this book are probably something you’ve said to me at some point in our sisterhood so thank you for a lifetime of material.
The heart element of this book was inspired by my own daughter’s adventures in SVT and a person actually called Lewis. Both of them re-define bravery for me so a special shout-out to both of them and the amazing NHS that has kept them both alive.
Here’s a list of random names of people who are friends and save me from a solitary writing existence. Whether you’ve let me nick your name and style, lead your lives by example, retweeted the hell out of things, proofread, fed me wine, sent me playlists or let me talk at you for hours on the phone, my love and eternal gratitude to you all for your physical and emotional support: Emma Harris, Dan Turkington, Leo Williams, Morgan Hamer, Anna Le Jeune, Sara Hafeez, Graham Price, Joe Rigby and Jag Sanghera.
And finally… I hated writing the character of Simon mainly because he reminded me so much of a lot of tossers I know and have heard about in my lifetime, just really appalling examples of husbands. Despite the inspiration you gave me, thanks don’t seem appropriate so instead a message to any woman who has a feeling she is still married to a Simon. Bin him, give him back, start again, you deserve better, make you and your happiness the priority.
We – both author and publisher – hope you enjoyed this book. We believe that you can become a reader at any time in your life, but we’d love your help to give the next generation a head start.
Did you know that 9% of children don’t have a book of their own in their home, rising to 13% in disadvantaged families*? We’d like to try to change that by asking you to consider the role you could play in helping to build readers of the future.
We’d love you to get involved by sharing, borrowing, reading, buying or talking about a book with a child in your life and spreading the love of reading. We want to make sure the next generation continues to have access to books, wherever they come from.
Click HERE for a list of brilliant books to share with a child – as voted by Goodreads readers.
Thank you.
*As reported by the National Literacy Trust
Published by Bookouture in 2020
An imprint of Storyfire Ltd.
Carmelite House
50 Victoria Embankment
London EC4Y 0DZ
www.bookouture.com
Copyright © Kristen Bailey, 2020
Kristen Bailey has asserted her right to be identified
as the author of this work.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers.
eBook ISBN: 978-1-83888-238-9
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places and events other than those clearly in the public domain, are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
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