by L A Cotton
Fuck.
I started backing away slowly, but he inched forward, hands by his sides, palms down, as if he was dealing with a wild animal. I felt wild, like my skin was on fire and my heart was beating too hard in my chest.
“Sorry. I need to go.” It came out strangled. But my head was back in control and it was urging me to get out of there before we both did something we couldn’t take back. I turned and hurried back toward the house, grateful for once that my brother lived in a small mansion. No one could hear or see us out here.
“Kiera,” Trey’s voice stopped me in my tracks. “Maybe it’s time we stopped running.”
The world fell away as my heart cracked wide open, bleeding out all over my brother’s gravel driveway.
I’d waited so long to hear those words.
But it was too late.
I was too broken.
There had been a time when I was ready to give Trey everything. My heart. My body.
My soul.
And he’d thrown it back in my face.
No matter how much I wanted to turn around and run back into his arms, I couldn’t. I couldn’t give him that kind of power over me again.
“Kiera...”
“Goodbye. Trey,” I whispered, and then I walked away.
And this time, I didn’t look back.
TREY DIDN’T CALL.
After I left him, standing there in the Stone-Princes' driveway, he disappeared.
It was almost as if he was never there in the first place.
I buried away the feel of his lips, how good it felt to be wrapped in his arms, the unspoken words in his confession, and I moved on with my life.
I couldn’t do it again. Couldn’t put myself out there again only for him to decide it was a mistake further down the line. Because he would.
Trey Berrick was untrustworthy, and I could no longer allow myself to play his games. I needed to focus on school. On graduating and moving to San Diego after the summer.
He belonged with someone like Callie. A girl who knew how to navigate parties at The Coastal and a life of wealth and privilege.
I wasn’t that girl.
And honestly, I didn’t want to be.
I wanted to go to college and focus on my future. A future where I didn’t have to depend on anyone else for security or money.
“Hey, baby,” Jack said as the door swung open. “I brought donuts.”
“You know me so well.” I pulled him in for a kiss, letting my tongue trace the seam of his lips. He eased back, his brows knitted.
“Everything okay?”
“I greet you with a kiss and you’re complaining?”
“No complaints, I just...” He inclined his head. “You seem different.”
Guilt flashed through me, but I shoved it down. It was just a kiss. A momentary lapse in judgment. One I didn’t plan on having again.
Forcing my lips into a smile, I snatched the bag of donuts from his hand and let him into the house. “Just happy I got to lie in this morning.”
“How was the party?” Jack pulled off his ball cap and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry I missed it, but my cousin—”
“It’s fine.” I closed the door and slipped past him, but Jack hooked an arm around my waist and pulled me back into his chest. “How long until your mom gets home?”
“Her shift finishes at five.” A shiver rolled through me as he pressed a kiss to my neck.
“Maybe we don’t have to meet Summer and Nick at the mall?”
My heart stuttered in my chest and I knew I should speak, say something, but I couldn’t.
“Hey, it’s okay. No pressure, remember? I just thought—”
Turning in his arms, I answered. “I promised Summer... but maybe we can be a little bit late?”
“Yeah?” His brow shot up, surprise flashing in his eyes.
“I’m not ready to... you know.” My cheeks flushed. “But maybe we can fool around a little?”
Jack didn’t lose his voice often, but I’d stunned him into silence. Lips parted, eyes wide, he looked adorable. “Y-yeah,” he croaked. “If you’re sure you want to?”
My smile grew. “I’m sure.”
And I was.
I liked Jack. I liked him a lot, but I was under no illusions he was the one. We didn’t have a deep connection, but honestly, I didn’t want that. Not with him. Not after Remy. And especially not after Trey.
I wanted simple. And life with Jack was simple, for the most part. Sure, there had been a few occasions when he’d tried to take things further than I was ready to go. But he didn’t know my reasons.
And I wanted it to stay that way.
Dropping the donuts on the counter, I took Jack’s hand, leading him to my bedroom. He’d only been here once before; we’d watched a movie and cuddled before I’d made an excuse about feeling unwell. But this time I wouldn’t make any excuses. You can do this. He won’t hurt you.
“I shouldn’t have let you down last night,” Jack’s words surprised me as we entered my room. I turned slowly to look at him. He stood poised in the door, his lip half-curled. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” I said. People didn’t understand why I didn’t get more upset with him, but I liked that about Jack. He didn’t make promises he couldn’t keep. He didn’t let me down because I had no expectations in the first place. Jack stayed true to himself, and his life. He screwed up like the rest of us and he owned that shit when he did. He was a drifter, with no real plans for after graduation. Jack lived in the moment and he didn’t want more than I was offering him right now.
In a strange way, he had become exactly what I needed.
“I just need to let off steam now and again.” He stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. “You know how it gets.”
I did. Except, I didn’t run off and get drunk or high when my life got too much to handle. But we all had our demons and we all chose how to deal with them.
“Jack, I said it’s fine.”
“You’re not like most girls, K.” He reached me, his hand slipping into my jean loop and pulling me close. “You’re different.”
I wasn’t different. I was broken. Trying to stay afloat in a world where I didn’t belong.
A world that would never fully accept me.
“You’re strong.” He dipped his head, pressing a kiss to my neck. It felt nice. Familiar. “And so fucking beautiful.” Another kiss. I wanted so desperately to feel his touch ripple through me, ignite a firestorm in my stomach. But it was better this way.
Simple.
Uncomplicated.
Safe.
Chapter 10
October, 11th grade
Kiera
IT WAS A MONTH SINCE Trey had kissed me and called it a mistake. When I’d climbed out of his truck that night, I hadn’t expected to hear from him again. But a week later, he’d texted me begging for forgiveness. I didn’t know how he got my number, but he had. I’d stored him under TD, short for tiny-dick, the name I’d called him the very first time we met, because I couldn’t risk Kyle going through my cell phone and discovering my secret. And every time I saw the two letters flash up on my screen my heart fluttered.
It was a dangerous game we were playing. So when he’d texted me two days ago telling me he’d be back in town at the weekend, and did I want to meet up, I should have said no. I should have put a stop to whatever was growing between us.
I didn’t.
“I’m going out,” I said to Mom as I entered our living room. She was curled up on the couch watching some trashy TV program.
“It’s late.” Her eyes flicked to the clock on the wall, and I rolled my eyes. “It’s not even eight yet,” I said.
“Where are you going?”
“Just out.”
“With Kyle?” The corners of her mouth lifted, her eyes glittering with fondness.
“Not tonight, he and Laurie are busy.” Probably doing things I did not need to be thinking about. I shuddered.
“Okay, baby, but be home by eleven, okay?
“Okay, Mom.” I checked my reflection in the mirror in the hall. I hadn’t dressed up, it wasn’t a date. It was just two friends meeting up. Liar. I quickly glanced away, grabbed my keys off the rack, and headed for the door.
I’d arranged to meet Trey at the twenty-four-hour gas station a couple of blocks over from my house. The cool fall breeze danced over my skin as I walked the short distance. I was early, wanting to take a few minutes to catch my breath, to make sure I was certain I wanted to do this. But when his headlights came into view, all my doubts melted away.
And I knew I was in deep trouble.
WE GOT DRIVE-THRU AGAIN, and Trey drove us straight to the parking lot. It wasn’t empty like before, but under the cover of darkness I wasn’t worried about being spotted. I was only concerned about the guy beside me. He’d been quiet as we ate. Too quiet.
I don’t know what I’d expected when he’d texted asking me if we could meet, but it wasn’t this. This was awkward; the tension in the truck almost suffocating. I’d wanted to say something, to fill the stifling silence, but he’d seemed... closed off. And it wasn’t long before my thoughts started drifting. Did he regret being here with me? Did he regret texting me?
Why did that thought hurt so much?
We weren’t together. We hadn’t labelled whatever this was. Yet, I couldn’t help but feel like it was something. Trey made me feel safe. He didn’t make feel like I had to be someone I wasn’t. I’d seen no judgment in his eyes when I’d climbed into his truck wearing ripped jeans, my favorite band t-shirt, a wrist full of chunky black bracelets, and my Doc Martens.
“So...” he said, finally breaking the tension, so I felt like I could breathe again.
“Yeah?” I twisted to face him.
“There’s something I’ve wanted to ask since the last time we were here. But I didn’t want to ask over a text message.”
My heart crashed violently against my chest at his words, my mind shooting off into a hundred possibilities of what he could want to ask. Then he said two words I never expected to hear. “That guy...” He ran a hand over his head. “The one at the window when I gave you a ride home that night, what did he do to you?”
“Trey.” I dropped my gaze to the floor. “I told you, I don’t—”
“I know, I know. I have no right to ask. It’s just... shit, Kiera. I can’t stop thinking about it, about what you said. And it’s eating me up inside knowing he did something to you.”
“It is?” My eyes snapped to his, wide with surprise, as I tried to process what he was saying.
“Yeah.” He held my gaze, the air shifting around us. “I can’t explain it, but I feel... protective of you.” Trey swallowed over the words. “I know it’s fucked-up but—”
“It isn’t,” I rushed out, lowering my eyes to look up at him through my lashes. “I mean, yeah I can see why you would think that, but I don’t think it is.”
Trey cared. For reasons I couldn’t quite comprehend, he cared about me. And it made my stomach knot and flutter all at the same time.
“So, will you tell me?”
My eyes closed, the tenderness in his voice almost too much to bear. I’d never told a soul what happened with Remy—what really happened—not that anyone would have listened anyway. But when I started to say the words, they came much easier than I imagined. And something told me it was because of Trey. Because of what I felt with Trey.
“I’m not sure if you know this, but my mom is an addict. It’s why she left Gentry, and Kyle when he was just a baby. Because she was unfit to be his mother. But when I was born, she got clean for a while. My dad helped her, kept her on the straight and narrow as much as he could. But then when I was nine, he died.”
Pain constricted my chest. But it wasn’t the kind of pain you’d expect a kid to feel having lost one of their parents. My memories of him were few and far between. Too much had happened since then to remember the handful of good times we’d had.
“Anyway, Mom didn’t handle it well. She started drinking again, became obsessed with the past, her failures. She got it into her head if she could just see Kyle, make amends, it would somehow fix her. Fix us.” I took a steadying breath.
“What happened?” Trey said.
“It didn’t end well. Gentry sent her away and my mom went and scored from one of her old dealers. I got the call at school. I can remember it as clear as day. I was sitting in Math and the Principal came for me. I knew it was bad, they didn’t send the Principal for nothing. He had to drive me to the hospital since I had no one else to call...” My voice trailed off, silent tears rolling down my cheeks, as I let myself remember the worst day of my life. The day I realized I wasn’t enough. That I could never fill the hole in Mom’s heart, the one left from giving Kyle up.
“Mom went straight in rehab and I moved in with our neighbors, Mrs Barton and her son—”
“Remy.” His name left Trey’s lips in a pained sigh.
I nodded, peeking over at him. He was still, dark energy rolling off him.
“I stayed with them for a few months while Mom was in and out of the hospital. Remy was a couple years older than me, but he became a good friend, something I’d never really had before.”
“You were only a child,” he ground out, anger dripping from his words.
“No, no!” I rushed out. “It’s not... it wasn’t like that. Not then. We were only friends. Mrs. Barton became a good friend to Mom, came around to keep an eye on her when she had bad days, and there were lots. And Remy took me under his wing at school. But when I turned fourteen everything changed.”
Trey flinched, unable to meet my eyes. But he’d asked for the truth and now I’d gotten this far, I wanted to get it off my chest. To tell someone my deepest darkest secret.
“Remy was almost seventeen by then and I knew he’d fooled around with girls before so when he started paying me more attention. Different attention. I felt... I don’t know, special. I was younger, inexperienced, but he wanted me.” Shame burned my cheeks at hearing myself say the words aloud.
“After we...” I couldn’t say it. “I knew I wasn’t ready. It hurt, a lot, and the earth didn’t shatter the way I’d heard older girls describe it at school in the restrooms. Everything about it had felt wrong, and I told Remy I didn’t want to do it again. I knew straightaway something was wrong. He all but threw me out of his room, but nothing could have prepared me for the next day at school.”
“Enough,” Trey’s voice was raw. “I can’t hear this. Fuck, Kiera, I want to kill him.”
“For a long time, so did I.” My chest ached at my confession.
Trey’s eyes finally slid to mine and the faintest of smiles tugged at the corner of his mouth. It was such a small action, but it filled me with relief, and I felt lighter, as if a weight had been lifted.
“I know it sounds messed up but in a strange way, Remy did me a favor.” Trey’s eyes widened at that. “He made me realize I was right to stand up for myself. I wasn’t ready and if Remy couldn’t deal with that, then that was on him. Not me. I was used to not having many friends. Rotunda High isn’t exactly a nice place. So I kept my head down, avoided Remy and his friends, the finger pointing and rumors, and got on with my life. He moved out last summer to live with his dad and I hadn’t seen him again until that night when you gave me a ride home.”
Trey was staring at me so intensely I felt a little awkward. “What?” I asked softly.
“You, Kiera. You’re...” he hesitated as if whatever he was about to say would change things. But things for me had already changed. They had changed the second I started telling him my story.
Trey cleared his throat. “I can’t promise you things Kiera, I can’t...” he shook his head. “But I promise you I’ll never hurt you like that.”
And foolishly, I believed him.
LATER THAT NIGHT, AFTER Trey gave me a ride home to the end of my block, I was lying in bed when my cell phone vibr
ated.
TD: Thank you for trusting me tonight
I fought a smile as I typed a reply.
Me: Thank you for listening. It felt good to finally tell someone
TD: I’m glad he no longer lives next door to you, or I don’t think I would have been able to stop myself from going over there
Me: Trey!!!
He couldn’t say things like that. Things that gave my heart hope. Things that made me fall deeper into him.
TD: What? It’s true. The idea of anyone hurting you kills me Kiera
Me: I’m fine. He’s gone and life goes on, right?
I tried to make light of it because what else could I do? Remy was in the past, and I wanted him to stay there.
Before I could stop myself, I typed out the words I’d wanted to ask him all night.
Me: What are we doing, Trey?
His reply came straight back.
TD: I’m not sure... but whatever it is, I’m not sure I can stop
Me: I don’t want you to
I admitted, my heart fluttering wildly in my chest.
TD: I’ll be back again in a couple of weeks. Can I see you again?
There were so many more questions on the tip of my tongue. Questions I daren’t ask. Did he see us as something more than friends? Did he want to kiss me again? There had been a split-second tonight, right before we left the parking lot, where I thought it might happen. But Trey had straightened at the last second, expelling a shaky breath and dashing all my hopes. I was only sixteen and he was a nineteen-year-old college freshman. If anyone found out about us... well, I didn’t like to dwell on what would happen. Especially if Kyle found out. But I wasn’t sure I could give up this feeling either. When I’d first met Trey all those weeks ago at The Shack, I always knew he’d be trouble.
But I hadn’t anticipated how quickly I’d fall.
Chapter 11
Present
Trey