by Claire Luana
“And you kept this from me why?”
“I…didn’t want you to feel bad,” I say lamely. The truth is, as soon as I had the vision of his still body, I pulled away from him. Because our budding alliance was wrecked. Once again I was the faithless girl who was going to sacrifice him for the good of her sisters.
A shiver wracks me, and he steps close, rubbing his hands up and down my arms. “You’re freezing. You should get back in your sleeping bag.”
But neither of us moves. His hands slow and he pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me.
I lean into his warmth, resting my head on the hard plane of his chest, squeezing my eyes closed. His heart is hammering a staccato beat beneath my ear. “You don’t have to bear it all alone, Mer,” he murmurs into my hair, and it breaks me. Because I’ve been bearing this burden alone for so many lifetimes, I don’t even know what the alternative would look like. A sob escapes my mouth and his arms tighten around me. I breathe in his campfire smells of woodsmoke and caramelized sugar, trying to center myself. It doesn’t work, and more tears fall, wetting his sweatshirt.
“Hey, it’s okay.” He pulls back slightly, searching my face with his eyes. He raises one hand and cups my cheek, his thumb brushing across the trail of my tears. As if one touch from him is enough to erase them all.
I look up at him and forget everything but Ryan. The landscape of his face, the secret curve of his lips, the endless blue of his eyes. A flush across my skin banishes the cold as he tilts his head and brings his mouth down to mine. His lips are firm yet soft and move with practiced ease. I press myself closer to him and part my lips, letting his tongue caress my own.
I wish I could tell you that kissing Ryan is like molten heat mixed with effervescent joy. Because it is. But all I can taste is my guilt. I’m leading Ryan to his death. And what’s worse, I’ve been lying about it.
Another tear slides down my face, the salt mingling with the sweetness of our kiss. Ryan breaks off gently, leaning his forehead against mine and drawing in a breath. “I hope you’re not crying over how bad my kissing is.” He chuckles huskily.
I push away from him, turning my back to him, burying my face in my icy fingers.
“Mer?” he asks, uncertain. “I’m sorry. If that wasn’t what you wanted—”
I whirl around, words bubbling forth. “There’s something else. That I didn’t tell you.” I can no more hold in the truth than I can halt the tears now flowing freely down my face.
He takes a step towards me, suddenly wary. His hands go back into his pockets. “What?”
I look down, grateful for the dark. “I had another vision.”
“Who?” is all he asks. He knows what I mean.
I look up and see he’s bracing himself for a blow.
“You.”
Ryan recoils, taking a step back. “Me?”
I nod, misery flooding me. “It was in a sort of throne room. Roman columns. I think…” I can’t say it.
“I die in there.” His tone is flat. No nonsense.
I nod again, trying to read his face, but it’s turned in shadow.
“And when were you going to tell me?”
I swallow.
“Ah. I see. You weren’t. This was your plan along? You had no problem releasing me because you knew the Fates would take care of me soon enough.”
“No.” I shake my head violently. “I didn’t know then. I only had the vision after we got back from seeing the sibyl.”
I’m not sure he heard me. He steps towards me, nervous energy radiating off him. I hold my ground. “You were leading me like a lamb to the slaughter this whole time, weren’t you? I thought we were partners in this, but all along, I was your sacrifice to the gods.”
“That’s not true—” I protest.
He cuts in harshly. “Nothing matters to you but your sisters, does it? Breaking this stupid curse. I don’t matter at all to you.”
“That’s not true, Ryan,” I plead, desperate for him to believe me. To see how this is shattering me into pieces smaller than I thought possible. “You’re all I think about. If there was any other way…”
“But you didn’t even look for another way, did you? Sacrificing me was an acceptable cost to you. God, I was such an idiot!”
He turns and starts off into the dark forest.
“Where are you going?” I screech.
“Anywhere away from you,” he throws over his shoulder.
And then he’s gone, swallowed into the darkness of the night. Leaving me alone in the dark, with nothing but tingling lips and a shattered heart.
Chapter 28
I don’t get a wink of sleep that night. I burrow into my sleeping bag, ignoring Brandon’s and Zoe’s murmured questions upon my return. I squeeze closed even the little face hole until I’m completely cocooned in down, hidden from the world. In this warm little world, I let my tears fall freely, the drops drawing little trails into my ears. It’s as close as I can get to being swallowed up by the ground, which is what I’d really like right now. I can’t believe it. Ryan kissed me. And then I ruined everything.
At some point I hear the tent flap open, and I know Ryan must have returned. I’m glad—it was making me feel even more miserable to imagine him out there shivering in the night. I don’t breach my sleeping bag fortress to look at him, though I want to. I can’t face him right now. Maybe ever again.
My body is stiff and grumpy when the sky above the tent starts to lighten, signaling dawn. My mind is miserable, still churning with thoughts and worries, running down alternative paths like bunnies down a rabbit hole. And my heart—I’m not sure it will ever be the same.
One of the guys stirs, getting out of his sleeping bag. I peek and see it’s Ryan. I’m not surprised. I doubt he got much sleep, either.
I hear rustling by the fire pit, followed by the low crackling of kindling lighting.
Brandon gets up next, then Zoe and me. By the time the two of us return from the pit toilet a few hundred yards up the trail, the fire is going, and Brandon is pulling bacon out of the cooler.
“Bacon.” Zoe smiles happily at Brandon, and he grins back. “And coffee,” he adds. He shakes a little pocket of Starbucks instant in her direction.
“I’ve never seen a more beautiful sight.” She sighs, and Brandon chuckles. I wonder if he realizes she’s talking about him, not the coffee.
Zoe and Brandon’s exchange stirs the pieces of my shattered heart like leaves in a breeze. Just yesterday, Ryan looked at me like that. Now he won’t look at me at all.
The guys cook the bacon on foil over the fire while Zoe and I scramble some eggs and boil water for the coffee on the camp stove.
“Are you okay?” she whispers to me. “What happened last night?”
I just shake my head, fighting back tears. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
She understands and gives me a side hug. I welcome the comfort. At least I’ll always have Zoe. A best friend has salved many a broken heart.
Brandon whoops as the grease from the bacon slides into the fire, causing a jet of flame to scoot skywards. “Hope you girls like it well done!”
Zoe laughs, and a ghost of a smile meets my lips. As shitty as this day may be, at least there’s coffee and bacon.
When breakfast is ready, we sit down in our chairs around the fire to eat and Ryan clears his throat. My head whips up, my senses trilling to high alert. I don’t know what’s going to happen now that I’ve told Ryan what awaits him in Olympus. I don’t blame him if he packs up and gets the hell out of here. Though the reception waiting for him at home…is not exactly friendly.
“Meriah told me something last night that I think you both should know,” he says, talking to Brandon and Zoe. He still hasn’t looked at me. I’m amazed he’s even using my name. I half expected to be addressed as “she who shall not be named.”
Brandon rests his fork, perking up. His curls are even more tousled this morning, giving him this soft adorable look. Zoe must
be dying.
“Meriah had a vision of Olympus.”
Zoe’s head whips my way, her expression hurt. She’s always first to hear about my visions.
Ryan continues. “Apparently, I…don’t make it back.”
Silence falls over the circle. A log in the fire pops, and we all jump at the sudden rain of sparks.
“I thought about it a lot last night, and it doesn’t change anything. I’m still going,” Ryan says.
My mouth goes dry. He’s going to walk into Olympus, even knowing what it means? I close my eyes. Damn it, why does he have to be so honorable? I realize now that I wanted him to run. It’s why I told him. I wanted him to be selfish and do everything he could to preserve his life. Because then I could keep him in this lifetime. He might not be mine, and I’d have to hate him for endangering the rest of my sisters, but at least he’d still be here. And I wouldn’t have been the one to make the selfish choice.
“Are you insane?” Brandon asks. “It’s one thing walking into a super dangerous magical boobytrapped lair of the gods with only your bow to defend you, but to go in knowing you’re not going to come out? What are you trying to prove?”
“I’m not trying to prove anything,” Ryan says. “Two of Mer’s sisters have already died in this lifetime because of me. There are four left. If I do this, if we end the curse, I save them. One life for four. When you do the math, there’s no question.”
Brandon glances at me, like he’s weighing what he wants to say in front of me. “No offense, Mer, but I don’t know those girls. I do know you, man. You’re…my brother. You can’t just, like…sacrifice yourself.”
Ryan’s voice catches as he responds. “It’s not like I’m going to go in with a target on my chest and let them kill me. We’ll fight. All of us. Maybe we can beat it. Break the curse and come out of there alive.”
“Has one of Meriah’s visions ever not come true?” Brandon looks at me.
My silence says all it needs to. Though Alcyone didn’t die how I saw it in my vision, in the end, she died all the same.
“This isn’t easy for me, either, Brandon.” Ryan’s voice is soft. “But I’ve decided.”
Brandon pushes to his feet, the rest of his breakfast forgotten. His face is blotchy. “I need a minute.”
Ryan stands to follow as if he’s unsure, but then sits back down.
Zoe’s looking with me with such sympathy that I almost break down again.
“Can I talk to you alone for a minute?” I ask Ryan. I need to explain to him how hard this decision was for me. How I didn’t want to sacrifice him. What his decision means to me. Some bit of the tornado of emotions spinning inside me.
“I’ve heard all I need to from you,” Ryan replies icily. “Let’s just get ready to go.”
Mount Shasta is breathtaking against the azure sky. Our boots trudge down a packed dirt trail that winds through emerald green meadows sprinkled with wildflowers and stands of weathered pines and firs. It’s a beautiful day for a hike—but it feels more like a death march. I guess it is, for one of us. Ryan walks in front, Sibyll’s key in his hand, leading our way. We don’t know how far we have to hike to the door to the Byway, but I hope it’s not long. The tense silence stretched between us makes me want to scream.
An hour in, the key swings wildly in Ryan’s hand, drawing us off the main path, up a hillside covered in purple larkspur and yellow poppies. The sun has banished the morning’s chill and sweat beads my brow. Ryan and Brandon carry the two bows, and Zoe and I each have knife holsters threaded into our belts, reminding me inexorably that this is no simple day hike.
As we climb, a cluster of gray granite boulders appears above us to the right. As soon as I see them, a knowing trills in me. This is the place. The doorway. Part of me is surprised we found it so easily. But I know what waits for us on the other side will not be so simple.
“That’s it.” Ryan quickens his pace.
Zoe looks at me with a raised eyebrow and I nod.
I heave a breath as I reach the outcropping, taking a sip of water from my CamelBak. This close, I can feel the vibration of the rocks, a buzzing that puts my teeth on edge.
“This is it all right,” I agree.
Ryan turns to us, looking at Zoe and Brandon, again his gaze sliding over me. “We stick together in there, okay? No one plays the hero.”
“You especially,” Brandon says.
Ryan finally meets my eyes, and I give a curt nod. If there’s one thing that Ryan and I are still united on, it’s the fact that Brandon and Zoe will not be going to Olympus with us. We won’t risk them. Too many people have died already.
We thread our hands together—Zoe, me, Ryan, Brandon. Ryan’s hand is limp in my grip, as if he can hardly stomach my touch. In that moment, I long for any sign that the Ryan I fell for is still in there, even a reassuring squeeze. I get one from Zoe, and I give her a halfhearted smile. Damn it, is there no one I’m not going to betray today?
The four of us turn to the rock grotto before us and step forwards. The hairs on the back of my neck raise; I can feel that magic is close. Another step and we’ll be through whatever barrier separates our world from the Byway.
“Now,” Ryan says, and we both release our grips on our other friends, jumping forwards. The key in Ryan’s pocket carries us through the magical barrier, but Zoe and Brandon bump against an invisible wall and stumble back, Zoe falling to one knee.
“What the hell?” Brandon protests, helping Zoe up.
She sees what’s going on right away. My girl is too smart for her own good. “Mer, don’t do this,” Zoe protests.
“This isn’t your fight,” I croak. “I can’t lose you too.”
“Ryan, no.” Brandon bangs a fist against the invisible wall that now stands between us. “I’ll have your back in there. I can help!”
Ryan drops my hand. “Take care of Gran for me, okay?”
“Ryan—don’t—”
“I love you, Brandon,” Ryan says. “I was lucky to have a brother like you.”
Then he turns and we step through the doorway that’s appeared in the rock before us, the sounds of our friends’ cries chasing in our wake.
Chapter 29
The world closes around us as we step through the doorway into the Byway. I’m not sure what I imagined, but it wasn’t this. It’s pitch black here and as silent as death, but for Ryan and my ragged breathing. “I have my headlamp,” I say, unshouldering my pack and kneeling down, fumbling into the depths. I’ve never experienced such an absence of light. Not even in the space between lifetimes.
My fingers close around the strap of my headlamp and I sigh audibly in relief. I switch it on and stand, adjusting it on my head. It doesn’t illuminate much. Mist shrouds us, obscuring all but a stone path beneath our feet. In my unease I slip my fingers into his, but he immediately lets go of my hand. “Let’s go.”
The key tugs Ryan’s hand forwards, but it seems there’s only one way to go, at least for the time being. My unease over this place is punctured by my misery over leaving Zoe and Brandon. It was the right call, but still, the look of betrayal on their faces haunts me. The thought of coming back to face them without Ryan by my side…I don’t know if I can do it.
“Ryan,” I say quietly as the mist seems to swallow the word.
“Not now,” he replies. “We said what we needed to say. We need to focus.”
“I didn’t say what I needed to,” I protest.
He heaves a long-suffering sigh. “Fine. Talk.”
But I’m tongue-tied. I search for the words to explain the confusion that swirls within me. “I don’t want you to die,” is all that comes out.
He snorts. “I suppose that’s something.”
“That kiss—”
He cuts me off sharply. “Forget the kiss. It was a bad idea.”
“No, it wasn’t.” I summon my courage. “I wanted you to kiss me. I still do.”
He looks at me in the dark, my headlamp shining garishly on his
face. “Throwing me under the bus is a funny way of showing it.”
“What was I supposed to do? Whatever happens with you or me, we have this one shot to break the curse. We’ve never been this close in any other lifetime. I’d give anything to end it. Even you. Or…me.” I realize it’s true. I would give my life if it meant bringing all this to a close. Sure, it would be nice to live one curse-free happy lifetime, but hadn’t I had way more lives than a person is entitled to, even if she’s half-Titan?
“You don’t get it, do you?”
“Enlighten me.”
“It’s not that you think my life is a fair trade to end the curse. Obviously, I do too; otherwise, I wouldn’t be here. It’s that you didn’t tell me. You didn’t think enough of me to think I would do the right thing.”
I straighten, surprised. I guess I didn’t get it. That was not on my list of possibilities for why he was mad.
Ryan shakes his head.
“We’re still getting to know each other,” I protest weakly. “I thought you were my enemy for lifetimes. I’m still…learning to trust you. And it wasn’t that I didn’t think you’d do the right thing. I didn’t want to put that burden on you. Knowing the time and manner of your own death is a pretty shitty thing. I learned that the hard way in the early lifetimes, when I tried to save my sisters by telling them. At some point, it just becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
He’s pondering that when the key swings wildly to the left, almost into me. We stop and I turn, letting my light illuminate the darkness before us.
“There.” I point. My light is shining on a stone wall a few yards off the path.
We approach, and the wall sharpens into focus. There’s a door etched into its surface, flanked by two carved Grecian columns. A keyhole peers at us quietly.
“Looks like we’re here.” I let out a nervous laugh.
He puts the key into the keyhole and turns. The door swings inward, revealing a dark tile floor and a room beyond.