“Do you have a key?” Brian asked me.
“In the vase,” I told him, nodding toward a small flower vase on a nearby shelf. He grabbed the vase and flipped it upside down. A small, golden key fell into his hands and he slipped it into the lock. It turned easily. I pushed the door open and waved my flashlight around the narrow room.
“Sweet Mary,” Brian muttered, hurrying inside.
I felt overjoyed and whispered a silent prayer of thanks for my parents and their crazy ability to over prepare for everything. The food was still there. The food, the water, and the drugs were all still there. Brian grabbed a bottle of water and gulped it down. He immediately opened a second bottle of water and did the same. I grabbed a granola bar and tore the paper off. The chocolate tasted like the sweetest thing I had ever indulged in. I let out a satisfying moan as I ate it hurriedly, as if it couldn’t get to my belly quick enough.
“Drink some water,” Brian demanded, thrusting two water bottles into my hands. “You’re going to need it. We did a ton of walking. The last thing you need is to get dehydrated, especially when I can’t administer an IV.”
I knew he was right, so I drank the water quickly. He started eating a box of cereal and neither one of us spoke until we had filled our bellies to the brim.
“Man, that was good,” he said, placing the half-empty box of Cheerios back on the shelf. “What I wouldn’t give for a good bottle of wine right now. That would really top off the meal.”
Hopping up, I fumbled around the top shelf and pulled down an unopened bottle of Crown Royal. “How about this?” I asked, tossing it to him. With a grin, Brian opened it and took a huge swig.
“As good as I remember,” he commented, passing the bottle to me. I did likewise and within moments felt a warm buzz rushing through my body.“Just a little,” he warned me, taking the bottle back. “It’s not time to relax just yet.”
I knew he was right, but I pouted as he placed the bottle back on the shelf. I stood, stretching, realizing that I needed desperately to use the bathroom. My parents most certainly weren’t in the basement, so we could cross that off our list. I grabbed a granola bar and shoved it in my pocket. Brian grabbed the Crown and a bottle of water. I locked the door again and placed the key back in the vase before we headed upstairs.
“I need a new bandage,” I told him. The one on my forehead kept flicking off and I had been pressing it back on for nearly an hour. It was time to get a new one. I headed toward the bathroom. He followed me. “What are you doing?”
“I’m not leaving you alone for a second,” he told me. “I’ve seen enough horror movies to know how that ends.”
Laughing, I gave him a soft, playful punch on the shoulder. “I’ll be okay. I’m a big girl.”
“I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you,” he said softly, pulling me close.
Looking up into his eyes, I knew that I felt the same way. I just didn’t have the words to say it. Was this really love, this thing we were mixed up in? Were we just survival companions or were we something more? I wanted to believe this was the real thing, something that would last, something that could go the distance. I just didn’t know. It felt too soon to say.
Instead of trying to find the words, instead of stressing out, I gave my brain a break and just kissed him as hard as I could: the best kiss I could give. When I pulled away, he kept his eyes closed for a moment, letting the experience sink in. By the time he opened his eyes, I was in the bathroom digging under the sink. I found a box of Band-Aids that were unopened. I smiled as I pulled out the Toy Story themed bandages and picked out one that had Woody the cowboy on it.
“Check it out,” I said to Brian, holding out the bandage.
He wasn’t looking, though. “Paige,” he said slowly.
“Look, Brian, don’t you remember this movie from when we were kids?”
“Paige,” he said again. This time, I stopped what I was doing to listen to him. This time I noticed the smell. This time I realized what that odor was and this time I understood that it wasn’t just a backed up toilet.
“Don’t turn around,” he told me, placing his hands on my hips. It was too late, though. I knew what was behind me in the shower. I knew but I still had to look in order to actually believe it. I turned around. The shower curtain was closed, but the flies crawling on the edges of the bathtub let me know exactly what was behind there. Still, I reached out toward the curtain.
“Paige,” Brian whispered. “Don’t.”
I yanked back the shower curtain and immediately screamed. I couldn’t stop. Every hope I had of finding my parents was gone. Every dream was dead. Nothing would ever be all right again. They were gone. I couldn’t stop screaming, couldn’t move. I couldn’t stop the tears, the pain, the things I was seeing.Brian put his hands on my arm. I turned and collapsed into him. The screaming stopped and was replaced with loud sobs, the cries of someone who had nothing left. I had nothing left.
“We need to go-now.” he commanded me. He grabbed my arm and led me away. My knees felt weak. I was dizzy. I thought I was going to pass out. This had to be a dream. This couldn’t be real. They were dead. They were dead, but they couldn’t be. They couldn’t be. They just couldn’t. Not my parents. Anyone else, okay. But not my mom and dad. They were survivors. They were prepared. They were ready. Not them.
“Paige,” Brian grabbed my shoulders and shook me until I looked at him. The sobs were heavy and loud. “Paige. You have to stop and you have to stop now. Someone could be watching the place. Someone could be coming back. You don’t know. We have no way of knowing. So you’re going to grab a set of car keys and we’re going to get the hell out of here.” He took my gun from me and I mindlessly grabbed a set of keys. He pulled them from my hands and let me as quickly as he could to my mom’s Impala.
Brian opened the back door and pushed me inside. “Lay down,” he commanded me. “Close your eyes and just lay down. I will take care of you Paige. You will be okay, Paige. Everything will be fine, Paige.”
I did what he said, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to curl up and die. They were dead. Mom warned me not to come, but I came. I couldn’t wash the sight of their bloodied bodies out of my mind. What had happened? Who had gotten them? Why had someone come? The house had looked secure enough from the outside, but someone had found them and come in. Someone had killed them, probably for the food. Probably for the guns. Probably for the land. I didn’t know.
My stomach was in knots and I felt sick. With every bump and turn that Brian made, my heart jumped into my throat and then back down. I felt like I was going to vomit.
“Pull over,” I muttered, sitting up. He did, without asking why, and I stumbled out of the car and into the ditch. I bent over and heaved and heaved until I couldn’t puke any more, and then I just cried until Brian came down and led me back to the car.
“I know it hurts, Paige,” he told me. “And it’s going to hurt for a long time. But I need to make sure that you are safe now. We have to find somewhere for us to be safe.”
I nodded. He was right. Brian put me back in the backseat and helped me put on a seat belt. I leaned against the car door as he started it back up again. The car headed down the road but my mind stayed where it had been in the bathroom. They were gone. The two people who could do absolutely anything in the world were gone.
And I hadn’t been there to stop it.
Chapter 18
“What are we doing?” The words hung in the air long after I’d spat them out. My tone was harsher than I’d meant for it to be, colder somehow.
“We’re going to find somewhere we can rest for the night and I don’t know after that. We’ll figure something out.” Brian hesitated before the last sentence. He didn’t know where we were going. He didn’t know the area here. He wasn’t from around here, after all. Not really. I’d grown up in this tiny town, knew every nook and cranny, knew about all the hiding spots, knew about all the abandoned buildings and the ones you needed to avoid.
He didn’t even know.
“Stop the car.”
Brian obliged and turned to me with a questioning glance. “Need to pee?” It was an honest question, but I was annoyed somehow. It wasn’t his fault, not really. He just wanted to protect me. We had both lost everything. We were literally all the other one had left.
“Let’s just go back, Brian.”
“What? To your house?”
“It’s safe. It’s a safe place. Let’s go back. Just let me bury my parents. Brian, they have everything we need. They have food, they have guns, they have trees, they have a garden. No one’s gonna come back for what’s left, and if they do, I’ll be smarter. I’ll be faster.”
“That’s a terrible idea.”
“Think about it. They have land. They have the food pantry. They have a huge house with plenty of space. We could easily barricade ourselves in a room if we needed to. There’s ammo.”
“Paige,” he paused. I could tell he was thinking of a nice way to ask it and I knew it was coming when he did. “What makes you think we’ll be different? What makes you so certain?”
It was like the relationship question everyone dreads. The “Where are we going?” or the “Where are we headed?” The “Where do you see us in five years?” or the “Are our lives going in the same direction?” Only this time, it was very real and very painful. This time it wasn’t just our relationship on the line. This time it was our future. This time it was who we were. This time it was our very lives.
And who was I to think that I would be different? Was I really that cocky to think that I could be smarter than a former soldier? That I could outsmart a mother who had spent 20 years protecting her only daughter?Was I really so arrogant that I believed I could outwit a killer when my parents couldn’t? I was.
“I can do this.” I told him firmly. I fully believed it, too. I could.
“How do you know, Paige?”
How could I explain it? How could I put into words something that I had to do? It was the only thing I could give them. I had been too late to save them. Now, in the aftermath of their death, I thought of my mom planting her favorite vegetables. I thought of the calluses on my dad’s hands. I closed my eyes and remembered the way the rain smelled in the summer. I could almost feel it. We had spent so much time walking around their land, exploring. How many adventures had we had? How many promises had we made? How many hours had we spent working together?
“Because I have to, Brian.”
I turned to him in the car. The fading leather seats were well worn with scuff marks and scratches. I used to whine that my mom needed to get the car fixed, reupholstered, fancied up in case she took anyone nice for a drive. I whined about the stupidest shit and now she was gone.
“I have to believe something, Brian. What’s the alternative? Giving up?”
“Of course not,” he placed his hand on mine. “We’re not giving up, but Baby, we have to be realistic, too. Someone killed your parents. Killed them. They are dead, Paige, and they’re not coming back. Do you really want to risk that they might return to the scene of the crime?”
“For what? Why would they come back? To stare at my mom’s rotting flesh? To try to pry my dad’s wedding ring from his cold, clammy fingers? What, Brian? Why would anyone come back? More importantly, if they came back, why would they be expecting me to be there? Get real.” I threw my body back into the chair. I was angry. I was tired. I was done with this fucking world and this stupid bullshit. Everyone dies. Everyone dies every day. I wondered if Professor Bales was dead. Who was I kidding? Of course he was dead. They all were and there was nothing I could do about it.
Brian didn’t understand. Yeah, he had lost everything, but he was used to it. At least he gave me the impression that he was used to it. I didn’t know if death was something you ever really “got used” to. I didn’t know if it ever felt less painful or if it was just something you could learn to accept a little bit easier.This was the first time in my life I had lost anything precious and it pained me. The cuts felt deep and fresh and I wondered if these emotional wounds would ever heal into fresh, pink scars. I didn’t think so.
“You know what? Fuck it. We’ll go back.”
“Really?” He was really doing it. For real? Was this serious?
“Really.” Brian turned the car around and started back toward the house. I couldn’t believe it. That hadn’t been nearly as difficult to convince him as I’d imagined. “But let’s get something straight,” he told me as we pulled into the driveway. “If anything happens, if anything goes wrong or anyone shows up at the house, we’re gone. Got it?”
“Got it. Thank you. Thank you so much.” I leaned over and kissed him. I couldn’t help it. I hadn’t known Brian that long, but I already felt like he cared deeply about protecting me. He had to, after all. He was strong for me even when I didn’t feel like being strong. He was level headed when I was not. And today he was kind and made a choice to make me happy. It meant everything to me.
“We need to do something about the bodies,” he told me gently. I knew he was right. They already smelled. It wouldn’t be long before the entire house stunk.
“Tomorrow,” I told him. I grabbed his hand and led him into the house. Not worrying about securing the back door, not fretting about my dead parents, I led him upstairs to my old bedroom. Brian took off his shoes and I closed the door and locked it. I pushed the dresser in front of the door and put the keys to the car on top of the dresser. I slid off my shirt, my pants, my underwear and stood in front of the bed, staring down at him.
I did not look beautiful.
I did not look like a supermodel. I didn’t even look like your normal, adorable college student. I looked worn down, pale, and dirty. I looked plain. I looked sickly. I looked like a woman who held the entire weight of the world on her shoulders and then added five pounds to the stack.
But none of that mattered to him. Not in this moment. In this moment I got to be a goddess. I got to be beautiful. I got to forget about the day, the week, the world. I got to forget about my life, if only for a moment. Brian swept me away to an island of emotions I’d never felt before, to a world where I was queen of everything, the center of it all.
And in that moment, I closed my eyes and, just for a second, I felt normal.
**
I woke up first, startled to be in my own bed and even more startled to be there with someone else. I didn’t say anything for a second, just lay there motionless. We had made it. We had finally made it home and now this was our house. In any other situation, I would have felt excited to be a real grownup with real land and real responsibilities. Today, though, there were choices to be made. I slid out of bed and opened the top drawer of the dresser. Fresh underwear that fit me perfectly was something I hadn’t experienced in far too long. I picked the laciest, prettiest thing I could find just because I could. Just because I wanted for to feel like a woman, juts for a single fleeting moment.
Brian woke as I pushed the dresser out of the way and opened the door.
“It’s okay. I’m just going to go get us some food.”
He mumbled something I didn’t understand and fell back to sleep. It didn’t matter. I’d bring him something delicious. The house felt empty and strange without my mom in it. I grabbed the family pictures from on top of the piano and turned them face-side down. I didn’t want to see those memories. Not today. Someday I’d feel ready to think about them again, but today I just wanted to forget. I returned to Brian with packets of dry oatmeal, granola bars, dried fruit, and water bottles.
“Breakfast of champions,” I told him with a smile as we devoured our food. Soon we’d have to start rationing and figuring out exactly how long everything would last us, but not today. Today we’d need our energy for dealing with the bodies, for figuring out how to fix up the house, and for fortifying the back door.
“Are you ready? Brian asked as he crumpled up the wrapper from his last granola bar and tossed it effortlessly into
my wastebasket.
“I’m ready.” I told him fiercely, nodding my head. I was. I was definitely ready. I had seen enough lately to know now how very strong I was. I could do this. I could handle this. I could take whatever the world was going to throw at me, and I could handle it.
Brian stared at my face for a moment, questioning, and then stood. “Let’s get to it.”
We headed down the stairs together. The house felt suddenly quiet and big. The living room that had once been the gathering place for family dinners and holiday celebrations now felt empty and strange. I grabbed a broom from the kitchen and started sweeping up the floor. The shards of glass came up easily and I collected them in a large trash bag. As I swept, I cringed at the scratches and scuff marks on my mother’s living room floor. I made a mental note to polish it, just for her, if I could find the things I needed to do so. She would never have tolerated a scuffed up floor, not Mom.
“What do you want to do with your parents?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you want to burn the bodies? Bury them? Dump them in a lake?” The question sounded harsh, but it had to be asked. Unfortunately, it was entirely my decision. I hadn’t expected to have to answer something like this, not at this point. Not at my age. These were the types of questions you’d ask an old woman who was nearing her own deathbed. Not a college student.
“They didn’t have the virus, did they? So we don’t have to burn them.”
“Do you know that they didn’t have the virus?”
It was a good question. There was no evidence that they had it. They had obviously been murdered, but we would probably need to check. I didn’t want to touch my parents’ dead bodies. I didn’t want to check if they had the virus. I just wanted this to be over.
Never Look Back: A Dystopian Novel Page 14