Love Worth Pursuing

by Max Hudson

  As he finished, Euan wrapped his arms around Steve and held him close. Steve sighed. Euan shivered.

  “You should get yours on too,” Steve said.

  “Good point,” Euan replied. “Let’s go find somewhere nice to set up.”

  They found a little place on the cliffside where the grass was flatter, probably from previous picnickers, and Euan laid out a large towel for them to sit on.

  Side by side, feeling the fresh wind air, watching the waves rise and fall, Steve felt like they were in a perfect paradise of their own.

  “Hey look, boat,” Euan said, pointing over to the horizon where a sliver of a ship was visible.

  “What kind of boat you think it is?” Steve asked.

  “Don’t know, from here it is hard to tell even how big it is. Should have brought some binoculars,” Euan replied.

  “Ugh, my phone camera had the best zoom function,” Steve said.

  Euan hugged Steve close. “Let’s just watch it. Maybe it will come closer.”

  Steve nodded, already a bit distracted by the billowing clouds, the birds, the light reflecting off the waves as they rose and fell.

  “This is nice,” Steve said, leaning back, feeling the wind whip his hair back. “I’m glad we came out here.”

  “I love being here,” Euan said. “As soon as I could drive, I’d come up here to just sit on my own, have lunch and relax. It gets a bit busier when the sun is out, but few people are out when it is a bit colder. Some walkers, but that’s it.”

  “Am I ruining your alone time?” Steve asked playfully, leaning in and kissing Euan’s neck gently.

  Euan laughed. “Not at all. I think we can be alone together, right? I wanted to share this with you, it’s special for me.”

  “So, what do you usually have for lunch?” Steve asked.

  Euan reached into the basket and pulled out a plastic container and a couple of cans. “Pasties and cola,” he said. “I know it’s pretty basic, but it’s all pure comfort.”

  Steve nodded, reaching for the container. “I understand that. My favorite food of all time is just a grilled cheese. I don’t even really like the more modern fancy versions. Just cheap cheese on sliced bread, butter, fry the lot. It doesn’t need changing, not for me.”

  “I guess I do like newer and experimental versions of pasties,” Euan mused, setting down Steve’s can before opening his own. “The important part is it has to be a nicely made pastry parcel that weighs as much as a small dog.”

  Steve lifted out a foil-wrapped item. “You’re not kidding. I don’t know if I can eat all this,” he said.

  “I’ll finish anything you don’t,” Euan replied. “I could eat three of them in a sitting. I mean, I’d feel really sick after, but I would be happy the whole time I was eating them.”

  As Euan was about to reach into the container for the second foil wrapped pasty, a loud vibrating sound echoed in his pocket.

  Euan took out his phone. “Sorry, let me just check this.”

  “I got to get a new phone,” Steve said, more to himself than to Euan.

  It just felt like he was disconnected from life without one. He knew it was silly, plenty of people managed without phones even today, and in an emergency, he had Euan. But he felt naked, alone, lost. He relied on it.

  “Who is it?” Steve asked, trying to distract himself from the sudden stress of remembering his task list.

  “My dad,” Euan said. His expression seemed somewhere between flat and upset.

  “Is everything okay?” Steve asked, resting a hand on Euan’s knee.

  “Yeah, I’m just… surprised. He says he might be selling the bakery, if I’m fine with that,” Euan explained.

  “That’s great news, isn’t it?” Steve asked.

  Euan hesitated, still staring blankly at his phone.

  “Isn’t it?” Steve asked.

  “I guess,” Euan replied. “Sorry, it just feels too fast.”

  “If he’s ready, he’s ready, though,” Steve insisted. “It’s a good thing he is considering it so soon. It means you can get back to your own life sooner as well. You support him in it, right?”

  “Of course I support him, I just feel a bit guilty about it, that is all,” Euan replied. “It might sound dumb, but I guess it feels like I rushed him into it?”

  “It isn’t your fault though,” Steve said, wrapping his arms around Euan’s shoulders. “You were honest with him. He has found new options and is trying to work out a way to let you live the life you want.”

  “He already has enough going on,” Euan said in a quiet tone. “What if he is angry? Upset? Scared? I can’t believe I did this to him.”

  “You didn’t do anything to him. You helped him. He knows he can count on you, and he knows you would rather be at college. He is doing what any good parent does,” Steve replied.

  “I know that,” Euan said. “I mean, logically I know that. But my feelings don’t know it. I’m just so anxious. What do you think I should do? Should I talk to him? You always have good advice.” He turned his phone off and put it back in his pocket.

  Steve lay down, resting his head in Euan’s lap. “I don’t really have any advice. I never do, to be honest. I just don’t want you to beat yourself up over something you can’t control.”

  “You think you don’t have advice?” Euan asked, laughing a little, the tension breaking. “You are amazing for advice.”

  Steve ran his hands over Euan’s chest softly, up to Euan’s chin, which he stroked gently. “I’m glad I can help. But I just want you to be happy, nothing I say is set in stone, just ideas to help you out.”

  “I want you to be happy too,” Euan insisted.

  “You know what would make me happy?”

  “What?”

  “Tell me what you want to do next. Let him work his life out on his own terms and think about what you are gonna do,” Steve replied.

  “I might want to change things up,” Euan suggested. “I mean, I could go and study in the States, right?”

  Now Steve laughed. “Good luck with that. My parents saved for years to cover my first year. I still have loans to pay off. Not to mention cost of living and stuff. You have it way better here.”

  “Maybe I don’t want to be here,” Euan said.

  “Why not?”

  “I...” Euan sighed. “Never mind, it’s dumb.”

  “No, it’s not, why don’t you want to be here?” Steve asked.

  “When I helped my dad, I felt like I had purpose. And helping you too. I have my own passions, yeah, but I feel at my best when I’m useful to the people around me. Maybe I can have the best of both worlds if I can study while I live with someone I care about,” Euan explained.

  “Your happiness is most important to me in all this, I already said that,” Steve said, gliding his hand down Euan’s chest slowly.

  Euan sighed. “Well, in that case, I want to spend more time with you. It feels like we have something and all of a sudden I have to stop and go back to life? You make me happy.”

  “I would stay with you if I could,” Steve replied, helping Euan pack away the basket. “If I could do my job in the UK for a few years, I would mostly live with you.”

  “Somehow I don’t think they’d let you live in York for a year, or two, or three,” Euan said.

  “But I could travel around the UK, then I would be nearer.”

  “And then what’s the point?” Euan asked. “If we are video chatting all the time, it doesn’t matter if you’re in Scotland, or America, or Turkey, right? I don’t want you to ruin your career because you want to be tied down to me. It’s just...” Euan groaned loudly. “This is complicated and annoying and all I want is to know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with my life.”

  Steve laughed before he could stop himself. “You and me both. If you want to just do that, we can keep this thing long distance. If it works, it works.” He sat up and kissed Euan softly.

  “I can see the boat,” Euan said.

&
nbsp; Steve looked behind him and saw that the boat was indeed closer. A little fishing vessel, it seemed. Bigger than a casual private boat, brightly painted, with a couple of pulley systems up top, resembling sail masts.

  “It’s pretty neat,” Steve said. “Wish I could take a picture.”

  Euan took his phone out. “No promises, the camera sucks on this, but I can get a couple of shots to remember this by.”

  “I’d like that,” Steve said.

  After a few pictures, they sat together and ate pasties in silence. It felt alright, but the tension from earlier was cutting into the moment. Steve could tell that neither of them was really enjoying it as much. They both had things to do.

  “I think it’s a bit cold,” Steve said. “Should we go back?”

  “Let’s go get your phone sorted out, then,” Euan said. “Try and save the rest of these next few months.”

  The drive back was full of the same silence. Everything was too much, and Steve didn’t know how to talk about it. Every single problem was, once again, something to face when the time came.

  After confirming he could finally access his bank, the phone shop was pretty quick. Steve knew exactly what he wanted anyway. It was pretty straightforward: the same phone he had before.

  As Steve sat at a table in the bakery cafe, setting it up and logging into his accounts, he saw some new emails. Including one from Alex. And his heart sank as he realized that one of his choices had been made for him. There was a deadline for his time in Aber.

  “I need you to be done in two weeks at the most,” Alex’s message read. “The whole situation needs to just be over and done with, so we can forget about it and get on with business as usual.”

  “I understand,” Steve sent back. “I’ll do my best.”

  Alex’s reply came almost instantly. “New phone? That’s great.”

  “Same model as before,” Steve sent.

  “Just glad you sorted it out,” Alex replied.

  Steve put his phone down and stared at the cake Euan had left for him. Euan himself had vanished to somewhere, and Steve could hear him talking on the phone. It felt like there was more than a few yards between them.

  “Oh, by the way, we have asked around and it sounds like Mike’s recipes could actually have a place on one of our sister blogs,” Alex added in a following message. “So, if he doesn’t get the publisher deal, we’d love to hire him. Great find.”

  Steve sighed. “Yeah, he sure is,” Steve sent back.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Days seemed to go by faster now Steve knew things would come to an end soon. And at the same time, they felt so dull. Whether he was working or spending time with Euan, there was the presence of clocks and calendars, of time itself, stealing his mind away. Still he tried. He had to try.

  Walking into the cafe, Steve wasn’t surprised to hear Euan out back, working. He had been so focused on the bakery and cafe for the last three days that Steve wondered if Euan wasn’t just using it to distract himself from their increasingly limited time.

  “Good morning,” Steve shouted into the back.

  “You’re early again!” Euan shouted back, sounding almost cheerful.

  “I want to make the most of our time together,” Steve said.

  “I know, I know, but I’m not done,” Euan replied.

  “Can I come through?” Steve asked.

  “Yeah, go ahead,” Euan replied.

  Walking to the back, Steve saw Euan in the baking room, checking on trays of dough and red-hot ovens. “And you called me a workaholic,” Steve remarked.

  Euan laughed nervously. “It’s different. I can’t exactly turn away from all this, once it’s started, it’s started and I need to finish.”

  “You are always starting more things,” Steve replied. “I guess we’re not getting any time after work today?”

  “Maybe, I have to see,” Euan said.

  Steve could tell Euan was hiding something. Even these past few days, Euan had been working on clearing down work so they could have the afternoon free. Not on pushing through bulk orders like he was some kind of a one-man factory.

  “What’s up?” Steve asked.

  “I just have a lot to do today,” Euan replied. “If you want, I can give you a list of places to go, but I’m just not available anymore. Sorry.”

  Steve froze. “Wait, not anymore?”

  Euan fumbled and nearly dropped an entire tray. “I… Please don’t be angry with me,” he said.

  Steve drew a deep breath and sighed. “I won’t.”

  Euan set the tray down and turned around. His face was red, either from the heat, the work, or the situation, if not all three. His eyes had blue marks underneath them so intense they looked like Euan had painted them on.

  “Have you worked all night?” Steve asked.

  “Yeah, and will probably work most of today,” Euan replied. “But today will be the last day. Or tomorrow morning, technically.”

  “Wait, what?” Steve felt like he had missed something. “Why are you stopping all of a sudden?”

  “We have offers on the place. And most of the places we provide for have already found a new supplier, so there isn’t much point,” Euan said.

  “Wow, that was fast,” Steve muttered.

  “My dad said he will be selling the bakery after, well, the whole blog thing gets through,” Euan explained. “He said that we have today to finish orders and stuff, then done. The rest is all canceled. We can shut the place down. And my dad said someone else will come in and clean up for viewings. We’re pretty sure we know who will get it, so it’s more for the sake of confirming that the building is what they are expecting.”

  Steve just nodded. At this point, he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  “Yeah, it shocked me too,” Euan said. “I guess I figured we’d have another few weeks or months of sorting stuff out. It feels strange, you know, to think this will be the last time I work here, maybe even the last time I’m standing in this building. I feel a bit lost.”

  “Well, if your dad is selling the bakery, then… you can go back to college, right?” Steve asked.

  “Yeah, that’s true,” Euan said, looking down at his flour-dusted shoes. “But, about that...”

  Steve knew that tone. “You’re leaving.” He didn’t need to ask. It was pretty obvious.

  “Yeah,” Euan admitted. “I need somewhere to go, something to do. Without this, and with you going back, I want to just find a new anchor, if that makes sense.”

  Steve nodded. He was trying to avoid crying. He didn’t know how the tears had welled up so fast, but it felt like a punch to the chest. They had so little time together already, and from the sound of it, Euan was cutting that time even shorter. He turned around and drew a deep breath.

  Euan stepped up and wrapped his arms around Steve and rested his head against Steve’s back. “I like what we’ve got, I really do. But we have our own lives to follow.”

  Steve couldn’t hold back the tears. He quickly wiped his eyes with his fingertips, but not before Euan noticed.

  “Please don’t cry,” Euan said, his own voice sounding a little choked.

  Steve spun around in Euan’s arms. “You either,” he whispered gently, lifting his hand and brushing away a single tear from Euan’s cheek.

  “I’ll try not to if you try not to,” Euan asked.

  “So, when are you going back?” Steve asked.

  Euan sighed. “Well, I… I have some revision to do. I hadn’t expected to actually return this year, but the University wants me back and I don’t want to take a year off if I can avoid it. I’d like to get myself somewhere to stay, and be back in York as soon as possible.”

  “When is as soon as possible?” Steve asked.

  Euan fidgeted. “A friend is looking for a flat mate. He’s signed the lease already, but I’m thinking of moving in with him this weekend.”

  “This weekend as in, the day after tomorrow?” Steve asked.

  Euan
looked away. “Yeah. I wish I could have told you sooner, but… Well, I didn’t know I was going to do this until last night, all right?”

  “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Steve said, resting his hands on Euan’s hips reassuringly.

  “Is it?” Euan asked.

  “I love you. It’s gonna hurt, because I love you, and want to try and keep what we have. But loving you also means letting you do your thing,” Steve replied.

  “I love you too. But, like you said, we can’t just throw everything away in the hopes this will be the most important part of our lives. I need to get on with my degree,” Euan insisted, placing his hands on Steve’s waist gently.

  Steve nodded. “Yeah, if this is meant to be, then...”

  “We’ll survive it,” Euan finished for him. “How are you feeling, though?”

  “You first,” Steve said.

  Euan sighed. “I am excited to go back. And worried. About everything. But I know I have to do something with my time. Your turn.”

  Steve wasn’t sure what he felt about this. He was happy for Euan, but… he didn’t want Euan to go so soon. “I’m gonna miss you,” he said.

  Euan wrapped his arms around Steve and pulled him in close. Steve embraced Euan as well, clutching Euan’s head to his chest gently. They stood like that until their breathing evened out, enjoying the comfort.

  Knowing that this was all inevitable, and probably for the best, didn’t make it hurt less.

  “What’s the plan for today, then?” Steve asked.

  “I’m going to be a bit busy with the bakery,” Euan said. “Feel free to hang out while you’re writing though. Maybe we can go out after our work is done. Have a bit of fun before I start sorting things tomorrow.”

  Steve nodded. “Sure thing, I have to get some work done too.”

  “Let me get you a coffee first,” Euan said.

  Finally sitting at the table with a coffee and his computer, Steve didn’t feel the motivation to do anything at all. There was a weight to the room now. Steve wanted to talk, but Euan seemed so focused on his work. Steve tried to focus on his own work too, but every single sentence felt like time taken away from his stay in Aber. And yet it didn’t even matter, Euan would be leaving Aber long before Steve did.