"Not since the feud between the Hatfields and Mccoys, has anyone made a bunch of hillbillies interesting, and that’s just what Phillip Duncan did with Moonshine Wizard."
—Jason Fedora, The Truth of Betrayal
"Witty, action-packed, and never one to shy away from the unexpected. Phillip Drayer Duncan is not to be missed."
—J.H. Fleming, Rhythms of Magic
"Duncan’s brief, punchy chapters are flip-inducing as the eyes devour the words and demand the fingers to turn, turn, f*cking TURN! Echoing James Pattersons’ short-chapter, fingers-on-fire writing style, Duncan’s storytelling keeps it coming, maintaining reader interest with whatever awesomeness is currently unfolding as well as with the exciting promise of what’s around the corner, on the next page, in the next chapter."
— Kristofer Upjohn, Horror is Art
Sign up for the Phillip Drayer Duncan Newsletter to receive a FREE digital copy of Catalysts, a collection of 3 stories from the Blade Mage & Moonshine Wizard series. With as much content as a full novel, this collection includes:
The Generic Mage (The Blade Mage Series)
The Last Great Blade Mage (The Blade Mage Series)
The Hunt for the Dark Wizard (The Moonshine Wizard Series)
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Also by Phillip Drayer Duncan
The Blade Mage:
The Blade Mage
Of Song and Shadow
The Memphis Knights
Rebels and Outlaws
Swords and Dust
The Moonshine Wizard:
Moonshine Wizard
The Distilled Shorts Collection:
First Job
The Ogre & The Primates
A Sword Named Sharp
Hunting one Like Us
The Monster Beneath the Bed
The Hunt for the Dark Wizard
Assassins Incorporated:
Assassins Incorporated
Assassins Incorporated: Rehired
Copyright © 2013 Phillip Drayer Duncan – First Edition
Copyright © 2020 Phillip Drayer Duncan – Third Edition
All Rights Reserved.
No portion of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without prior written consent of the copyright holder, except for the use of brief quotes in a book review.
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to people, living, dead, or otherwise, or resemblance to the names of people, places, or organizations, are the either product of the author's messed up imagination, or coincidental. While the copyright for this work of fiction remains with the author, Happy Omega Publishing, LLC assumes all legal responsibility for this publication and the literary work of fiction it contains.
Publisher: Happy Omega Publishing LLC
Cover Art By: German Creative
Interior Illustration By: Tammy Hawkins
Edited By: J.H. Fleming
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“Excuse me, are you Waylon Drake?” a woman’s voice asked.
Bert jerked awake, nearly falling from his chair. His feet were propped up on the desk, so after floundering for a moment he finally managed to sit upright. He hated it when people interrupted his office naps.
Gathering his wits, he glanced up at the woman. She appeared to be middle aged and was attractive, in a soccer mom sort of way.
“Uh, yeah,” he replied, clearing his throat. “How can I help you?”
“The nice lady up at the front said you could help me,” she replied, but there was a tone in her voice which suggested the nice lady up at the front may have led her astray.
“You mean Farrah?” he asked.
“Yes, that was her name. She was very helpful.”
That was intriguing. If Farrah sent her back to his office, it meant she had something strange going on. Bert was responsible for dealing with all the supernatural stuff, after all.
“So, what can I help you with?”
“Well, it’s kind of a strange request…” she said, looking at him uneasily.
A voice in his head said, “Yay, finally something to do!”
The voice, of course, belonged to the sword leaning against his desk.
Ignoring Sharp, he smiled at the woman and said, “Strange is what I’m here for.”
She hesitated. That was pretty normal. For one, Bert didn’t maintain the most professional appearance. Second, no one wanted to admit it when they experienced some spooky shit that wasn’t easily explained.
Bert waited it out, and finally she said, “Well, a friend of mine said you guys helped her out when her kid wasn’t sleeping because of ‘monsters’ under his bed. She said you guys sent someone over and put on a little show to get rid of the monsters.”
Bert held back a sigh. So much for interesting.
“Boo,” Sharp said. “Tell this lady you can’t help her and let’s get back to our office nap.”
Instead, Bert forced a smile and said, “Yeah, that would’ve been me. It’s one of the services we offer. I come around, pretend to be a wizard, and banish the monsters away. The kid starts sleeping again, which means the parents start sleeping again. Everybody wins.”
“That works?” she asked, not bothering to hide her skepticism.
Bert let the lie roll right off his tongue. “Well, obviously there’s no such things as monsters. It’s purely psychological. All in our heads. We all dealt with it as a kid, right? That fear can be paralyzing. So, we just sort of play along with the fear. Put on a show and make the kid think there’s something more powerful than the monsters they fear. Seems to do the trick.”
“And that actually works?” she repeated.
Bert shrugged. “I haven’t had a dissatisfied customer yet.”
“I’m not trying to be rude,” she said, pausing to consider her words. “But this just seems a bit…outlandish.”
“Outlandish,” Sharp said, cackling. “If she could only see the shit we’ve seen, am I right?”
“Sharp, shut up,” Bert replied.
“Eat me.”
Back to the woman, Bert said, “I know it’s hard to believe. That’s why I offer all of my customers the same deal. You hold on to your money. I’ll come do the job. In a week or so if you’re happy, then you can pay me. If not, then no sweat.”
She seemed to think if over for several seconds, then finally sighed. “I guess it can’t hurt to try. Nothing else has worked. I’ve even taken him to a therapist and sleep doctor. I can’t afford to keep dishing out the money. Can you come by this afternoon?”
“Absolutely. No time to waste in getting your kid a restful night sleep. You too, for that matter.” He pulled a notepad and a pen out of his desk and handed it to her. “Jot down your address and phone number. I’ll grab one of the guys and we’ll come by and take care of it.”
After writing down her information, she gave him a brief thank you and headed out the door.
Pulling a small amount of magical energy to himself, he us
ed his mind to contact his friend Neil.
“What’s up?” Neil asked, with a lazy yawn.
“Want to help me scare monsters out from under a kid’s bed?”
“We getting paid?”
“If all goes well.”
“Then yeah,” Neil replied. “I love that schtick.”
***
Neil had his seat leaned back and his eyes stared lazily out the window. He always looked sleepy. But, of the two of them, he looked more professional. He wore designer jeans and a dress shirt. Bert was wearing the same black t-shirt and jeans he’d been wearing when the lady had stopped at his office.
He was rather glad Neil had agreed to come along. He had a real job and a family, so they didn’t hang out as much as Bert would’ve liked. As teenagers, they’d been inseparable.
“Thanks for coming along,” Bert said. “You’re better with kids than me.”
“It goes with the territory,” Neil replied with a shrug.
Bert pulled his old blazer into the driveway and rechecked the address. Some people got a little nervous when he pulled the Beast in their driveway uninvited. Especially in a fairly decent neighborhood like this. It wasn’t a particularly wealthy neighborhood, but for a small town like Eureka Springs, it was as close to the suburbs as it came. There were a few kids playing basketball down the street and a Labrador barking from someone’s backyard.
As they hopped out of the blazer, Neil threw his black robe on over his clothes. It was the robe he actually wore when doing wizard work, so it worked pretty well for pretending to be a wizard. And sure, it was a bit dramatic, but dramatic was what they needed for this type of work.
They approached the door and Bert knocked. A few moments later the woman appeared.
She studied them for a few seconds, clearly unsure about inviting the two unscrupulous-looking young men into her house, but finally decided to invite them in anyway.
Bert awkwardly wiped his feet on the rug and followed her into the living room. He checked his shoes again to ensure that he was not tracking any grime on the freshly vacuumed carpet.
If there was template for ‘normal’ people living rooms, the place could’ve been printed from it. A couple of couches faced a television with a coffee table between them. A few action figures were scattered about. Some family photos hung on the wall, which, Bert noted, only had pictures of the woman and a little boy. So, she was a single parent dealing with a kid who was scared to death of monsters. It was no wonder she was looking for a little help.
“Sorry the place is such a mess,” she said, picking things up as she went. “I was just trying to tidy up a bit before you got here.”
“No worries,” Bert replied with a grin. “You saw my office.”
She smiled back and said, “So are you guys ready to do…well, whatever it is that you do?”
“Sure,” Bert replied. “It’ll only take a few minutes, then we’ll be out of your hair.”
“I’ll go grab Tommy,” she said, and briskly headed toward the back of the house.
Bert glanced at Neil. He looked sleepy and bored.
Quietly Bert said, “Can you try to look a little more alive? You look like you’re on drugs.”
Neil shrugged and with a sly smile said, “Maybe I am.”
“No, you’re not.”
“No, I’m not,” Neil replied with a sigh.
Moments later, the mother returned along with her child. He was a scrawny kid with sandy brown hair and curious eyes. He was wearing a Star Wars t-shirt and had a Spiderman action figured clutched to his chest. Bert liked this kid.
“Tommy, introduce yourself,” the mother said, edging him closer. “They’ve come a long way to help you.”
“To help me what?” Tommy asked, glancing up at his mother.
“They’ve come to deal with the monsters,” she said.
His eyes widened and he turned back to the strangers. Nervously, he said, “Hi.”
“Hello, Tommy,” Bert said, squatting down and sticking out his hand. “My name is Waylon, but my friends call me Bert.”
Beside him Neil said, “And you can call me Neil.”
Getting straight to the point, Tommy asked, “How are you going to get rid of my monsters?”
“Well,” Bert said, using a conspirator’s voice. “We are wizards.”
The kid’s face switched from a nervous curiosity to panic stricken horror. He dropped Spiderman on the floor and bolted behind his mother. His little eyes peeked back around her, though.
“Uh…” Bert stammered. “That’s not the response I normally get.”
Bert cried out as Neil smacked him on the back of the head. Tommy giggled at that.
“Sorry, Tommy,” Neil said, stepping around in front of Bert. “My doofus of a friend didn’t mean to scare you. He’s kind of a dummy. What he was trying to say is that we can get rid of the monsters.”
“You’re not scared of them?” Tommy asked, still clinging to his mother.
Neil fixed him with a warm smile. “No, Tommy, the monsters are scared of us.”
“They are?” the kid asked.
“Oh, yeah,” Neil said with a confident nod. “We are wizards, after all. No monster can scare a wizard.”
Tommy looked at Neil in awe, but then a concerned look came across his face. “But what if they get mad? What if they come back?”
“After the beating we’re gonna give those monsters, there’s no way they’ll come back.”
The kid eyed him suspiciously. “I didn’t think wizards were real.”
“They say the same thing about the monsters too, don’t they?”
Tommy nodded.
“Well, I understand your disbelief,” Neil said. “So, maybe I can show you.”
Neil put out his hand and a small blue flame appeared in it. The boy gasped in wonder.
Neil smiled. “Do you believe me now?”
“Yeah!” Tommy said. “That was awesome! Can you teach me?”
“I can’t do that,” Neil said. “But we can get rid of the monsters under your bed.”
“Okay!” Tommy said, then turned down the hall. “My room's back this way!”
Neil stepped in line behind Tommy and followed him toward the room. Bert also followed, but paused just briefly to throw a wink at the mother. She smiled in return. They walked toward the room.
As they entered, the woman said, “Sorry. I can’t get him to keep it clean.”
Bert smiled at Tommy and said, “Well it’s no wonder you have monsters under your bed! Monsters prefer a messy room!”
“Really?” asked the boy. He turned and looked to his mother. She shrugged.
He looked back at Bert and said, “I’m sorry! If you make them go away, I promise to keep it clean!”
Within Bert’s mind, Sharp said, “Ha! Kids are so dumb!”
“What’s a matter with you?” Bert replied to the sword. “You are one hateful chunk of metal.”
“This coming from the guy who manipulates children.”
Ignoring his sword, Bert turned his attention back to Tommy. “We’ll get the monsters to leave, but it requires a powerful spell and a lot of concentration. Would you mind if I was in your room alone for a few minutes?”
Tommy stared at him suspiciously. “But all my toys are in here.”
“I won’t let the monsters get your toys,” Bert replied.
“Um,” Tommy said, hesitating. His eyes darted between Bert and his mother. “It wasn’t the monsters I was worried about.”
Bert stared at the kid, unsure what to say.
“Holy shit, I love this kid,” Sharp said, cackling.
“Tommy!” his mother said in a reproachful tone.
“I’ll make sure Bert doesn’t take anything, Tommy,” Neil said, grinning like an asshole. “I’ll check his pockets before we leave.”
“Okay,” Tommy said, “I trust you.”
The condescending smile on Neil’s face made Bert want to slap him. Instead, he forced a smile
and said, “Well then, I guess I’ll get started on the spell.”
“He doesn’t really need me for this part,” Neil said, turning to Tommy. “You want to go play while he works?”
“Sure,” Tommy said, grabbing Neil’s hand. Neil gave Bert a little wave as he was dragged from the room.
The mom shrugged and followed.
A moment later, Bert found himself standing alone in the little boy’s room.
Almost alone, he realized, as Sharp said, “Wow. You really suck with kids.”
“Let’s just get to work,” Bert said. “Can you sense anything?”
“Yup,” Sharp replied. “Kid definitely has monsters under his bed.”
Bert nodded. Then the job wasn’t a complete waste of time, after all.
“Kraelin?” he asked.
“What else?” Sharp replied with a huff. “You know, if you actually spent some time studying, you might be able to answer your own questions. But no, the great Waylon Drake can’t be bothered to read a book.”
“Bite me,” Bert said. “Why should I waste time studying when I have a super smart know-it-all sword?”
“Waste time?” Sharp said. “As opposed to taking desk naps? Yes, it is a Kraelin. They are the most common of the ‘monsters under the bed,’ which you’d know if you ever tried to learn anything.”
“I am right now,” Bert replied. “You’ve proven time and again that you know more than any book I could read.”
“True.”
“You’re right, though. I need to learn more about these things. I’ve helped enough kids out by getting rid of them, I should probably be an expert. Give me a refresher.”
“All right,” Sharp replied, moaning. “The Kraelin are a group of creatures that tend to be adept at magic, and like to feed off fear--”
“Wait,” Bert paused. “You said ‘group,’ not ‘species.’ I was under the impression they were a species.”
“That’s a common misconception. The Kraelin are made up of different species. All from the same planet, though. There’s not a ton known about them, actually. People don’t interact with them often, and when they do it usually involves a lot of violence. They aren’t a friendly bunch.”
The Monster Beneath the Bed: A Moonshine Wizard Story Page 1