Late to the Party

by Ramy Vance

  Sandy absentmindedly levitated a few bread rolls and flicked one at Milos. “No, Milos. We do not know the difference between a quest and a mission. Will you please explain to us with your all-knowing wisdom what the fucking difference is?”

  Milos glared at Sandy, the fun obviously taken out of his explanation. “The differences between the two are numerous. First and foremost, missions are broad, easy-going little shindigs that can be taken care of by the least experienced adventurers. Think of them as entry-level jobs. You can do them. I can do them. But it would make more sense for you to do them since I have the experience to warrant spending my time in other more interesting venues. You could say that it would be a waste of my time. Quests, on the other hand, are generally much more specific, require a shit-ton of know-how and offer larger rewards. They’re generally assigned by veteran MERCs who see that you have the skills to get the job done or are invested in your personal growth, much like I am invested in you three.”

  Suzuki watched Milos suspiciously, the dwarf squirming under the pressure of his judgmental gaze. “Then why do you keep giving us shit missions?”

  “As one of the purveyors of the Shire, I’ve got a backlog of missions.” He chuckled. “Better you than me. Besides, not everyone wants to wake up at the crack of dawn and go fight a pack of undead rats.”

  “A dead-chief! You know, like a mischief but dead!” Suzuki shouted. “So let me get this straight. You’re pawning those missions off on us because they’re beneath you?”

  Milos nodded. “But you get your cut.”

  “Cut?” Suzuki felt indignant rage bubbling up, making him want to do things to Milos that would go against his personal code of ethics. “We’re not even getting paid for the full mission?”

  “Well, I take a percentage for setting it up.”

  Suzuki jumped up from his seat. His mouth was moving before any sound came out, and he had to take a deep breath to calm himself. “How much?”

  “How much what?” Milos asked.

  “Your cut. How much?”

  “Thirty percent.”

  “What the fuck are you, an app store? We want that thirty percent. Now.”

  Milos considered this before clearing his throat and tapped his crutches irritably on the ground. “I’ll give you fifteen.”

  “Twenty-five.” Suzuki folded his arms over his chest.

  “Twenty,” Milos countered.

  “Twenty-five, or I’ll show you another meaning for blue balls.” Sandy cupped her left palm and lightning danced between her fingers.

  “Fine, fine, twenty-five percent. Check’s in the mail.” Milos smiled like a used car salesman who just gave them the deal of a lifetime. “Anyway, if you want a quest, a real quest that’ll give you the kind of loot you’re looking for to upgrade your gear to be able to withstand some of the harder areas, you’re going to want to talk to one of the older MERCs. They usually have a couple lying around that need to be taken care of.”

  “Why can’t we just get one from you?”

  Milos’ eyes narrowed until they were rat-like and nearly lost behind his bushy eyebrows. “You whelps ask a lot of questions of a guy who’s just trying to do you a solid,” Milos growled, before he stood up, drained the last of his beer, and started to hobble away. “Next time you ingrates have any questions, direct them to someone else.”

  The Mundanes looked at each other with confused expressions. “We didn’t ask you. You just came over and told us this shit,” Suzuki said.

  “Ingrates,” Milos shouted as he walked off.

  One of the barmaids came by carrying a tray of food. She dropped it off at the Mundanes’ table without making eye contact and went on taking other orders.

  Sandy looked warily at the plates of steaming food before grabbing a set of chopsticks and digging into the meal. “So, I guess we just have to bug some cool kids until they give us a shot at the glory. I’ll check with Diana. I need her to take a look at my mask anyway. What about you guys?”

  Stew shrugged. “I don’t really know anyone.”

  Sandy patted Stew on the back and pushed the plate of food toward him. She smiled in a sickeningly sweet way and spoke with a thick Texas accent. “Guess you’re making friends today, buddy.”

  Stew grimaced, picked up a fork, and started eating. “Sounds fun.” He groaned. “How about you, Suzuki?”

  “I’ll check around too. It’s worth a shot, I guess.”

  The Mundanes looked around the bar as they tried to determine which MERC they were going to talk to. It was fairly obvious who the veterans were. Anyone with interesting armor had obviously been out in the field for a while. Now all they had to do was convince someone to give them a chance.

  3

  Suzuki stood up and stretched. “OK, new plan. Everyone’s got until the end of the day to find a quest. We meet back here tonight. Sound good?”

  “Good enough for me.” Stew scanned the bar. “Sandy, babe, how about you and me team-up and find us one ultimate fucking quest. You in? You wanna come with me?”

  “You know I’m in, babe,” she said.

  Suzuki left Sandy and Stew to figure out what they were going to do. He had no idea who to talk to about getting a mission. José and his party? Suzuki didn’t want to actually approach José’s party, the Four Horsemen, because, to be frank, he was intimidated by them.

  The last time Suzuki had any real interaction with José was when the skinny, bearded MERC complimented him on his smell-altering dongle. José had pointed out that most predators hunted with their noses and that being able to mask or change your smell could make you into the ultimate assassin.

  Suzuki had used that advice when fighting a gang of krampuses by changing his smell to that of a baby krampus and using the darkness to sneak close enough to one of the beasts to stab it.

  It had been golden advice, proving José’s worth.

  Which meant Suzuki was now completely in awe of José and the thought of fucking up some quest José assigned terrified him.

  There were a lot of MERCs who looked like they had their shit together, but the Four Horsemen were on a completely different level.

  They walked around as if they owned Middang3ard, and they looked the part as well. “Intimidating” was not the word for the Four Horsemen. They were an example of what could be accomplished in Middang3ard.

  He couldn’t approach them, not for his first quest. So Suzuki thought about other MERCs to approach before remembering someone who hung around the Four Horsemen but wasn’t actually one of them.

  She was a sleazy-looking elf who seemed to always be standing within earshot of the Four Horsemen. Always nearby, but always apart, too. Suzuki had never heard her speak, but he assumed she was a veteran from the gear she wore. It was nothing like what the rest of the recruits were walking around in.

  Suzuki started looking for her.

  Across the bar, Sandy and Stew were still looking around for someone to talk to. Stew would approach a table, clear his throat, and wait for someone to say something. The MERCs sitting at the table generally ignored him or awkwardly coughed until he moved on to the next.

  After visiting a couple more tables, Sandy motioned for Stew to follow her to a corner of the bar. “We could just go talk to Diana. I want to ask about the mask anyway.”

  Stew shrugged his shoulders and tried to avoid Sandy’s eyes. He didn’t speak until she grabbed him by the jaw and forced him to look up at her. “She gives me the creeps. Besides, we can figure this out all on our own.”

  “What about her is creepy?”

  “The whole magic skin thing. It’s real fucking creepy.”

  “You know, that might be what happens to my skin...eventually.”

  Stew coughed theatrically and pointed over to a group of MERCs. “Hey,” he suggested, “I think those guys might be a good place to start.”

  The MERCs Stew pointed out were sitting at a table in a corner of the bar. They were all human and were trading their loot back and fort
h. Stew and Sandy walked up to them, and Stew cleared his throat until the MERCs stopped talking amongst themselves.

  “We’re looking for a quest.” Stew tried to sound like he was there to do them a favor.

  One of the humans leaned forward. He was a lanky man with greasy hair and a thin mustache. His eyes were sunk deep in his skull, but somehow, when he smiled, it was nearly angelic.

  “Oh, you are?” the greasy MERC asked. “And you knew that we were just the folk for you to come to, aye?”

  “Aye.”

  “Well, what level of work are you looking to put in?”

  “We’re looking to upgrade. So whatever will help us do that.”

  The greasy MERC appraised Stew and Sandy’s armor. After a few moments, he leaned forward and spit into his tankard of beer.

  “I think we got the quest just for you.”

  Suzuki had found the elven MERC sitting by herself near the front of the bar where the barkeep Wendy doled out drinks. The elf wore the robes of a mage, but they had been upgraded in the way that only veterans were able to afford. The robes were so finely made that if Suzuki were to look closely, he could see each individual stitch linking each piece of cloth to the next.

  Suzuki took a seat next to the mage and tried to keep from stammering as he spoke. “Excuse me.”

  “Yes?” The elf didn’t look up for her drink.

  Suzuki offered his hand. “Suzuki.”

  “Adeline.” She spoke in an absentminded way, as if she were deep in thought. Or stoned. It occurred to Suzuki that she might be on drugs.

  “Um, I was wondering if you had any quests that needed to be fulfilled?”

  Adeline laughed and tossed her hair to the side, looking at Suzuki for the first time. “You’re asking me if I have any quests?”

  “Yeah. You know, I’m just checking around like us new recruits do.”

  “That is ideal,” she said, snapping her fingers, “Because I am looking for someone to take care of something for me. It’s personal, which is why I haven’t talked to any other MERCs about the whole subject. But there is something I do believe I can use your services for.”

  Suzuki let his guard down a little and leaned over the table. He wanted to look certain of the skills he had to offer, but not over-eager. This felt like a good middle-ground for him.

  “Well,” he said, “how can I be of service to you?”

  “It’s a very, very personal quest. We’ll need to talk in private.”

  The greasy MERC led Sandy and Stew out the back of the Red Lion. He extended his hand to Stew. “Jerry. Nice to meet you.”

  Stew and Sandy introduced themselves. They stood in silence for a few moments as Jerry looked over his shoulders at the Red Lion and then up to the moon and the stars. “So, how do you like the booze in there?”

  Sandy shrugged and scrunched her face as she tried to figure out what Jerry was getting at. “Uh, it’s good.”

  “Yeah. Good. Just good. Nothing exceptional. Nothing amazing. Just good. What if I told you I had access to great beer? Not just great. Life-changing.”

  Stew nodded in appreciation. “I’d ask why you hadn’t opened up a bar yourself.”

  “Well, that’s the thing. I had one a long time ago,” Jerry said. “But you know, it didn’t pick up like I thought it would. It eventually got bought out. This is where you come in. My special batch of booze is still at the other bar. I need someone to sneak in and get me a keg of that beer. I can tell you exactly where it’s at. You just need to sneak into the bar, grab it, and bring it back to me. Then you get your cash, and I’ll…I’ll even make you part-owners. You’ll get equity.”

  Sandy narrowed her eyes dubiously at the greasy MERC. “I need to consult my associate,” Sandy said as she walked off and motioned for Stew to follow her.

  “So, I’m your associate now?”

  “Oh, shut up. Do you want me to introduce you as my boyfriend to everyone?”

  Stew shrugged. “Yeah, sort of. I mean, it would be cool if you did but yeah, whatever…”

  “You are so obnoxiously cute when you’re jealous. What do you think about this guy? Sounds kind of sketchy to me.”

  “I thought so too, but GB says he knows the guy. He’s definitely a veteran. And Milos did say that it was the vets who had the good quests.”

  Sandy pursed her lips. “I don’t know about this. I mean, what kind of loot are we going to get from bringing back some beer?”

  “Who knows? You would have thought we would have got some kickass loot from exploring an ancient crypt, and you saw how that turned out.”

  “Yeah, guess you’re right. So we’re doing this?”

  “Hell, yeah.” Stew’s face lit up in that way it did when he was about to do something stupid and knew it. “Plus we get to see what else is in this weird-ass village. It’ll be kind of like a date.”

  Sandy and Stew returned to Jerry and agreed to take the mission. Jerry clapped his hands together and pulled out a map. The map detailed the layout of a bar a couple miles down in the MERC encampment. “Here’s a map of the whole city.” He pointed to a series of parallel lines on the map. “All of these pathways go through the city. Some of the older MERCs own houses around here. It doesn’t make sense to be renting every night if you can afford to live someplace. There’s a mages’ guild on the other side of the encampment next to the fighters’ guild. Then there’s a temple for the religious folks. And right next to that is my old bar, The Last Ale.”

  Sandy mimed drinking a beer and choking. “That sounds a little fatalistic.”

  “Eh, I was never much for names,” Jerry agreed. “But you can make sense of it on the map. Very straightforward. Very easy to understand. You just gotta get in, grab my batch of booze, and bring it back to me. Easy-peasy, right?”

  “Sure, sounds easy enough.”

  Jerry handed the map to Sandy. She scanned the information into her HUD and handed the document back to Jerry. “All right,” she said, “let’s get going.”

  Suzuki followed the elf mage to her room. When they entered, the mage quickly walked behind Suzuki and shut the door. Then she went over to the bed and sat down on it, hiking her robes up a bit. Suzuki tried not to stare at her ankles. He tried to pull off a casual cough before walking over to the desk, where there were a couple of framed photographs.

  Suzuki picked up one of the frames, but before he could get a good look, the mage jumped to her feet and ran over to the desk, turning one of the photographs over, placing it face down.

  Suzuki stepped back and tried to keep his reaction as even as possible. He was freaked out, and wasn’t sure exactly what was going on. He wasn’t often invited to a woman’s bedroom.

  Actually, he’d never been invited into a woman’s room—although this was an elf. Maybe they had different social standards and etiquette. Either way, covering the picture so suddenly was probably weird across cultures.

  When the mage noticed that Suzuki was shifting his weight between his feet excessively, she laughed, a nasally high-pitched sound. “Sorry. It’s a really awkward picture of me that I forgot was there.”

  “So, about this quest?”

  “Oh, yes. I completely forgot for a second. The quest. I lost something very special to me. It’s extremely valuable, and I haven’t been able to get it myself. There’ve been a lot of complications. I’m looking for someone who doesn’t mind getting a little bit dirty to help me out.”

  Suzuki internally sighed to himself. It sounded like another mission that a high-level MERC just didn’t have time to do. “I’d love to help, but I’m kind of looking for a quest, not a mission. I’m trying to get some armor and weapon upgrades as soon as possible and—”

  “Oh, this is a quest. It’s not something easy to take care of. It might take all night. Maybe even a day or two. And it is very delicate.”

  “All right, what is it?”

  “I need you to climb into my walls and retrieve my lost pearl,” the elf said as if that was the mo
st normal request in the world.

  “Uh, climb into your walls?”

  “Yes, my walls. Do you think you can do that?”

  Adeline smiled sweetly at Suzuki as she removed her gloves and placed them carefully on the side of the bed. Suzuki was even less certain of what was going on than he had been a few minutes ago. He didn’t want to read into the situation, but he felt he was getting a ton of different signals. “Yeah, I guess I could do that.”

  Adeline squealed as she jumped up and clapped her hands. She turned around, and when she faced Suzuki again, she was holding a wand. “Perfect.”

  “Huh. I haven’t seen many of those on Middang3ard.”

  “You obviously haven’t seen many elves, then. Close your eyes.”

  “Close my—”

  “It’s going to be very bright, and it might burn a bit.”

  “Wait, what?”

  There was a bright green flash, and Suzuki covered his eyes as the green light filled the room. When he opened his eyes, he couldn’t see anything. He stumbled, then reached out to try and get hold of something. Suddenly, he fought a tight grasp on his ribs. It felt as if a giant had reached out and wrapped him in his arms. He struggled to breathe, and then he felt himself falling through the air. His vision was coming back, but it was still blurry. He hit the ground with a heavy thud. The wind went right out of him, and he coughed loudly as he tried to catch his breath.

  Something tapped Suzuki lightly on the butt. Then it tapped again, this time more aggressively. Suzuki stumbled to his feet and started to walk forward, still trying to make sense of all the blurry shapes before him. The most that he could see was that he was walking toward some kind of oval opening. He turned around and tried to walk backward, but he felt the giant hand pushing him forward again. It was much stronger than he. The hand shoved him into the opening, and everything went dark as Suzuki tried to breathe. Wherever he was, it was sweltering, and nearly pitch-black inside.