I was an asshole. But I didn’t see how I could get out of the situation without being an asshole. I wasn’t interested in the L-word bullshit. It had ruined me five years ago, and I wasn’t about to let that happen again. So I had to be an asshole to get her to go away and leave me alone. If I wasn’t a jerk, she would have tried to stay, and I didn’t want her to. I wanted her far away from me.
Everything was fine when I was away from her. I had a life, a career, and I had gotten an education. I just needed her out of my life again and everything would be fine. I had everything anyone my age could ever want. I didn’t need a girlfriend. There were plenty of girls that would go out with me. There were plenty of girls that would land in my bed if I wanted them to.
So why in the hell couldn’t I stop thinking about Charlie? I hadn’t known how much I missed her until I saw her again. When I saw the woman she had become as I was standing in that grocery store cereal aisle, I couldn’t believe the sight before my eyes. She had developed into a woman even more beautiful than I would have ever imagined. She always had a slender frame, but now she had a slight curve to her hips and a soft swelling of her breasts. She walked like a woman now too, not with the lankiness of the tomboy I had grown up with. She no longer had any awkwardness about her. Even though I had adored that years ago, I was very much attracted to the confidence she radiated now. Her skin was delicately soft, and she smelled like coconut. I loved the warmth of her body, whether it was merely holding hands or with her pressed against me, I loved how it felt to touch her.
I really needed to get a grip. I had told her to go because that’s what was best. But was it really going to be for the best if I never kissed her again? I loved her lips. I loved her mouth. She tasted like heaven and every time my lips touched her, I felt a fire ignite deep within my core. I couldn’t keep thinking about her like this. I would end up bitter like I was five years ago when she told me she wasn’t in love with me.
She was right. Now that she told me she loved me, I felt the panic to get away again. I don’t understand it. I just know I can’t be around her. I know that one of us will be hurt if we don’t stay away from each other. I certainly didn’t want to get crushed again like I did all those years ago. So unfortunately, she needed to be hurt a little now to avoid a much larger hurt years from now…just like what happened with my parents.
If my parents hadn’t been happy for so long, why hadn’t they ended things before now? Why did they continue to torture themselves for years, rather than pull the bandage off quickly? Well, that wasn’t going to happen to me. I would rather stop this ultimate wrecking ball from crushing me or Charlie. Truth be told, I didn’t want her to be hurt down the road. As bad as I felt being the cause of her pain now, I don’t think I could bear being the source of her pain years later. I cared about her too much for that. Hell, I was still in love with her. Shit.
I went to work at the firehouse, and I worked for my cousin’s landscaping business nearly every day for three weeks. My mother had texted me a few times asking how I was. I merely responded that I was fine, but I didn’t exchange any more dialogue than that. I wanted her to know I was alive, but I didn’t feel up to talking to her anymore about the inevitable divorce. I wasn’t exactly sure when that would happen, either.
I guess since I saw my mother with someone other than her spouse, I still held some resentment toward her. I knew my dad had said he was seeing someone as well, but it hadn’t been shoved in my face. I was going to have a hard time getting the image of my mother kissing that man out of my mind. Since I had that picture permanently tattooed on my brain, it felt more real with her than it did with my dad. It wasn’t fair because the decision was mutual, but I probably just expected more from my mother.
When I was growing up, my mother was always the one who was there for me. My dad worked all the time. I realize now, it was probably because he wasn’t in love with my mom, so he’d spent his time elsewhere. But because she was always there for me, I confided in her. I thought I had a special relationship with her. So I felt like she betrayed me by not telling me about their separation and ultimate divorce. Since I didn’t have any siblings, it was always just my mother and me. Maybe being away for so many years had changed our relationship. Perhaps she didn’t feel close to me anymore. I was pretty sure I would forgive her one day, but I couldn’t imagine it would be in the near future.
My father and I never really had much of a relationship while I was growing up. We had dinner together as a family a couple of times per week when he wasn’t working late, and we went on one family vacation together per year. He never went to my soccer or lacrosse games. He did attend my graduation, but he never went to any other school-related activity. He didn’t even have “the talk” with me. My mom did. It was painful, but I endured my mother talking to me about sex, and condoms, and sexually transmitted diseases. She also talked with me about smoking, and drugs, and alcohol. I guess I am fortunate that I had one parent talk to me about all those high-risk behaviors and how to stay safe.
As I lay on my empty couch in my lonely apartment, I contemplated going to see my dad. I don’t remember a time that I really talked to him about much of anything. I had no memory of discussing anything of importance with him. I was pulled out of my drifting thoughts with a buzz from my cell phone. There was a text from Cam.
Are you EVER coming home again?
I hadn’t called or texted him since I left. And this was the first time he had reached out to me. I didn’t know what to say back to him. But I figured if I didn’t respond, that was the same as saying his friendship didn’t matter to me.
Eventually. Just need some time to myself for a little bit. Not ready to see my parents again yet. Hopefully he would understand I wasn’t avoiding him. I was avoiding my parents…and Charlie, but I wasn’t about to admit that to him. I was curious if she said anything to him about what happened between us.
Okay, man. I get it. Just let me know when you are in town again. It was good to have my friend back here. Relief washed over me knowing he still wanted to be friends with me.
Will do. Whenever I was ready to go back to my hometown, I would at least have someone to go have a beer with. And I had a feeling whenever that was, I would probably need more than one.
Two more weeks passed before I felt like I accepted the situation between my parents enough that I could go back and talk with them. I felt like it was better if I saw each of them individually, rather than together. So I called my dad first. Surprisingly, he answered on the second ring. My call didn’t go to voicemail. I didn’t have to leave a message.
“Hi son. How are you?” Did he expect me to say “I’m doing good” or “Fine?”
I decided to ignore his question and get straight to the point. “Dad, I was wondering if I could see you sometime. You know, to talk about things.”
“Of course, son. When would you like to meet? We could go to dinner. Or lunch?”
“I know you are probably busy with work. So let me know when there is a convenient time for you.” I paused, half expecting him to check his calendar and appointment book.
To my surprise, he replied to me immediately. “I know I probably worked too much when you were growing up, and I wasn’t there for you all that much. But you are my priority, and I will always make time for you. Are you in town now? I can meet you now. Or I can meet you tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that.” He waited a beat before continuing. I was too stunned to respond, so he resumed speaking. “Louis, things in my life have needed to change for a while. I know I probably don’t deserve a chance to be your father now, but if you could find it in your heart to let me try, I would like to show you how important you are to me.”
Of course I would give him a chance. He’s my dad, and I had initiated the meeting. So I met him for dinner two days later after another twenty-four-hour shift. I was prepared to spend the three days I had off individually with my mom, my dad, and maybe Cameron.
Heading to meet my ol
d man for dinner. Might need a beer afterward. You up for it? Since I hadn’t spoken to my mother yet, I might need a place to stay for the night. Maybe Cam would help me out again. Lord knew I wouldn’t be asking Charlie for a place to stay.
Of course! Just say when and where. He ended his text with a smiley face. That absurdity drew a chuckle out of me. I never would have thought my childhood best friend would be texting me smiley faces twenty years later.
I’ll text after dinner. And after another response of merely a smiley face from Cam, I decided there was no need for an additional response from me. I merely shook my head and shoved my phone back into my pocket before driving to the restaurant where I had agreed to meet my father.
When I pulled into the parking lot, I scanned the area for his car. I wondered if I had arrived before him. I didn’t see his car, but I decided to go into the restaurant anyway. No need to wait in my vehicle outside. So I dragged my reluctant body inside and met a pretty blonde at the hostess stand.
“Looking for someone?” I know her cheerful disposition was well-meaning. And had I not been in such a sullen mood, I might have considered answering her with a smart-ass comment such as “Not anymore,” and then flash her a devilish grin and a raise of my eyebrow. But I was simply not interested in any playful banter.
So I skipped the flirting and went straight to the point. “Actually, I’m looking for my dad. I’m just not sure if he’s here yet.” I performed a quick inspection of the tables behind her in the bar area and didn’t see my father.
“There was an older gentleman in a suit that I sat just a few minutes ago. Said he was waiting for his son.” The bright smile she flashed me never faded.
“Old guy in a suit. Yep. That sounds like him.” I returned a half smile in her direction.
She motioned for me to follow her and led me to a booth on the opposite end of the restaurant. I saw my dad seated facing me, wearing his own goofy grin. I slid into the booth across from him and thanked the hostess for leading me to the right table.
“Hi, son. I am glad we were able to meet.” His business meeting tone conveyed a deal negotiation, not a dinner with his offspring.
“I’m glad it worked out.” Even though he said he wanted to be here, I imagined it was difficult for him to get away from work. He used to take work with him everywhere. He didn’t have to be at his office to work. I half wondered if he would end up pulling his laptop out during our meal, or at the very least answer emails on his phone while we had a conversation.
“I know I am not very good at this.” He pointed his finger at himself and then to me. “But maybe I just need more practice. I hope this isn’t the only time you hang out with your old man.”
“Dad, I didn’t call you to ‘hang out.’ I called you so that I could talk to you about what happened.” The puzzled look on my dad’s face glared at me as I spoke. “What the hell happened between Mom and you?”
“I am happy to discuss anything with you, son.” His gaze quickly shot down at his menu. “Let’s order and we can talk about whatever you want.”
I felt annoyed by his dismissive response. Although, I should have grown accustomed to his brush-offs at this point. He had been dismissing me my whole life. It always seemed like work was more important than me or anything in my life. So I glanced down at my menu as well and decided which burger I wanted to order. Once the waitress arrived to retrieve a drink order from us, I informed her we were ready to place our food order as well. The sooner we ordered dinner, the sooner I would get the answers I wanted.
Once she had penciled our orders onto the pad she was holding in her hand, she shoved the pencil in her ponytail and strutted away from the table. She was cute with curly blond hair and a sultry saunter to her walk, but I wanted to remain focused. So I dragged my gaze away from her for fear of being distracted.
“I know you are confused and upset, son.” The set of eyes staring at me were so similar to mine that it was like looking at my own reflection in a mirror. “The relationship between your mother and me has always been simple yet complicated.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, Dad.” My aggravation was churning, and I didn’t think it would take too much more for it to slip over the edge. “Tell me what happened to the two of you.”
“Where would you like me to start?” I hadn’t anticipated it being a long story. I kind of imagined it would go something like, “We decided we didn’t love each other anymore, so we separated.” It couldn’t really be more than that.
“I guess I’ll start from the beginning.” The waitress arrived with a beer for my dad and an iced tea for me. I needed to be as sober as possible to hear what he had to say. “You know your mother and I met in college.” I nodded. Of course I knew that. My mother had told me a thousand times. “We were friends, mostly. We spent a lot of time together. You know we ate together at the dining hall. We had classes together. We went to an occasional football game together. However, we never really had chemistry.”
Was he seriously going to talk with me about this? I hoped he wasn’t going to discuss his sex life with my mother with me. I tried to remain expressionless, but I am sure my discomfort with where the conversation was going was apparent on my face.
“But because we spent a lot of time together, we decided to make a go of things. I took her out on an official first date, and then I guess we were officially a couple. We were no longer eating meals together because we were friends. We were eating meals together because we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It was several months later when we finally became intimate.”
That was too much information. I coughed loudly and shifted on my seat in the booth. He really was going to talk about his sex life with my mother to me.
“We were comfortable with each other, so it kind of happened, and we were okay with it.” My dad took a swallow of his beer and then looked me square in the eyes. “After we graduated, I proposed to her.”
“Because you were in love with her?” At some point, they had to have fallen in love with each other, right?
“I have always loved your mother. She and I are very good friends. We still are.”
“Dad, I am getting confused. Were you in love with Mom when you proposed?” I held my iced tea glass in my hand because I wasn’t sure what I should do with my agitation. I knew I would begin to fidget soon if I didn’t get a hold of my emotions.
“I didn’t know what it was like to fall in love with someone. I loved your mom, so it felt like the right thing to do was to marry her. We managed to keep our friendship, but that was really all we have ever had. There was never that amazing connection, that heart-stopping adrenaline rush you get when you see each other after being apart, the magical butterflies in your stomach you get before you are about to kiss each other.”
“Gross, Dad.” I wasn’t sure if I would be able to eat my burger if the conversation continued down that path.
“Son, we settled for friendship because passion can fizzle, but we knew we would be friends forever.”
“But you aren’t going to be husband and wife forever.” I know I sent a scowl in his direction. I wasn’t sure where all my displaced anger stemmed from.
“Believe me, we didn’t make that decision lightly. We talked about it for hours, days, months even. We decided to try a separation. Once I moved out, we would text each other because we missed each other. But it was good for both of us to see what else was out there.”
“So if absence made the heart grow fonder, then how did you end up at the place where you are now…making a decision about divorce?”
My father’s response was postponed by the arrival of our food. The waitress asked if we needed anything. I think she made some suggestions about ketchup and steak sauce, but I shook my head no. I wanted her to leave as quickly as possible, so I could return to the conversation at hand.
“We each met someone, son.” Then he lowered his head as if he was embarrassed to speak anymore.
“And?” I may have raised m
y voice slightly because my dad popped his head up in attention at my questioning word.
“We both found a person that makes our heart race wildly. I can’t wait to see Holly again when I am away from her, and your mother feels the same way about Marshall.”
“Ohmigod, Dad. Have you all talked with each other about this?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Of course we have. Your mom is my best friend.” He said it so plainly, as if all this was a very easy explanation.
“But isn’t marrying your best friend what is supposed to happen?” I was terribly confused. Again, I was sure my look of disbelief was apparent.
“Son, you should marry someone that is your friend and gives you the butterflies. If a woman can’t be both, then your marriage will likely not last.” He smiled at me for the second time since I had arrived at the restaurant. I don’t know if I had seen my father smile twice in the same day ever…in the last twenty-three years. “Look son, I certainly am the last person to get love life advice from, but please learn from my mistake. Make sure you find the one that causes your heart to do somersaults. Find a woman that you can live with, but make sure she’s the one you can’t live without.” He cut into his steak and took a bite.
I followed suit and bit into my burger. We sat in silence. The only sounds were from eating our dinner. I tried to take in what my dad had said. He married his friend, but that’s all they were. How was that even possible? Although if the new woman in his life was the reason for this difference in him, then maybe there was something to what he was saying.
While I was eating, I reflected back to life with my parents. They were always cordial with each other. I had remembered hearing from kids at school about arguments their parents had. But other than an occasional disagreement, my parents never had any really big fights. They always got along well.
However, I didn’t ever remember them being overly affectionate with each other. They may have given each other a hug, but I couldn’t say that I ever saw anything more than a chaste kiss on the cheek from them. I certainly never heard them having sex. I know both Cam and Charlie had told me they could sometimes hear their parents. I shook my head quickly to try to get the image of my parents having sex out of my head. It had taken up residence there since my dad had first mentioned it.
Love Burns Page 13