by A. Zavarelli
He fucked me like an animal, the table sliding against the floor with every thrust. His dick was starting to swell inside me as his head lolled back, eyes closing.
“Birdie,” he pleaded as he was on the threshold of sanity. “This pussy is mine now. Fuck, you feel so good. Come for me, angel. I can’t hold back.”
I melted around him as spasms ricocheted through my core. I wanted to hear him say those filthy words again and again. My body was his. He could have everything but my heart because that would only ever be mine. At least that was what I wanted to believe.
But then he buried himself deep, shuddering out his release inside me with a breathlessness that seemed to purge years of pent-up anguish. I felt him throbbing, his come warming me as it leaked into my womb. He didn’t pull away. He opened his eyes, and they clashed with mine as he leaned in to kiss me.
“Mine,” he declared between whispered breaths. “You’re fucking mine.”
BIRDIE LOOKED UP AT ME with soft, crystalline eyes and lips swollen from my kiss. She was messy and perfect, and I didn’t want to leave the warmth of her body. My dick was still inside her as I silently chanted my claim to her on repeat.
Mine. Mine. Mine.
But then reality began to decay the fantasy, and the weight of what I’d done settled over me. I’d just taken from her the one thing I said I never would. I poisoned her with my seed. With the demonic DNA woven into every fiber of my body. My actions proved that I wasn’t any different than the monster from my past.
You did this. You killed her. You brought her here knowing this would happen. Because you’re fucking evil, and it spreads to everything around you. There is no salvation for you. Everything good will die in your presence.
My head collapsed forward, and I didn’t know what to do next. The only thing I ever knew how to do was retreat. I pulled away and broke the eye contact between us as I tried to gather my thoughts. Zipping up my jeans, I glanced at Birdie one last time. She was still mostly naked, on full display, and it physically hurt me to look at something so beautiful, knowing that I might have caused her further pain. Ed was right. I could never have something as good and pure as her.
“It’s late,” I told her. “You should go get ready for bed.”
My eyes drifted away from her, unable to witness what I’d done. Birdie moved robotically, wrapping the robe around herself and concealing her body as she stood. I felt her gaze on my face, but she never said a word.
When she padded down the hall, I finally felt like I could breathe again as I collected my thoughts. I waited until her door slammed shut before I grabbed my phone and keys and headed outside.
“Ace.” Lucian looked surprised to see me at his door, but he didn’t hesitate to usher me inside. He didn’t ask me the reason for my visit, and I didn’t expect him to. I wasn’t even really certain of it myself, but Lucian had always extended an open-door policy to me. I’d just never really used it before.
I walked inside and sat down on the sofa while he lingered on the threshold of the kitchen. “Can I get you a drink?”
“No, I’m good.”
He nodded and took a seat in the padded chair across from me, both of us quiet while we observed each other. Beneath his eyes, dark circles lingered, and I gathered he wasn’t getting a lot of sleep in early fatherhood.
“You taking care of yourself?” I asked.
He smiled in a way that was typical of the reclusive man I’d come to know. He never wanted anyone to worry about him. “Always.”
The room fell quiet, and I knew he was giving me space. He never felt the need to fill such stretches with meaningless words, but in my disconcerted state, I wished he would. “How’s the baby?”
“A champion,” he answered proudly. “He’s resting with Gypsy right now, or else I’d bring him out to show him off.”
Admittedly, it was weird for me to see Lucian as a father and a husband. They were both fairly new developments in his life, and something I’d never really expected to see. For as many years as I’d known him, he’d only ever been married to his work as an attorney. When he wasn’t saving lost souls like me, he was finding what small semblance of peace he could in a confessional booth. But if anyone deserved a second chance at happiness, it was him.
“I know a lot has changed recently,” Lucian observed, seemingly aware of my thoughts. “My attention has shifted. But as long as I still have breath in my lungs, you should know my home is always open to you, Ace.”
I didn’t do well at reciprocating these expressions of emotion, but Lucian never expected that from me anyway. He was one of the few people in this world who could read me without words. I didn’t have to say much around him because he understood me. But right now, I wanted to. I just didn’t know where to begin.
He leaned back and studied me, trying to figure out the best way to approach whatever was on my mind. Lucian never came at anything without giving it a lot of thought first, and that was one of the things I respected about him.
“I’ve been wondering how things are going with you taking on Birdie. It’s a big ask. But I know Gypsy is grateful. You are in both of our debts.”
I scrubbed a hand over my beard, craning my neck from one side to the other to release some tension. “She’s… challenging.”
Lucian observed me in a way that told me he was well aware of my internal struggles.
“Do you remember the first time I met you?” he mused.
“How could I forget?” An awkward laugh burst from my chest. “You were the only visitor I had in ten years.”
He’d found me rotting away in a prison cell, and for reasons I couldn’t fathom, he’d decided to help me. But I was more machine than man at that point, and it wasn’t an easy road.
“You didn’t say one word the entire visit,” he recalled. “You just sat there, staring at me like I was some kind of lunatic.”
“Yet you kept coming back.” I shrugged.
He chuckled, but the humor slowly disappeared from his eyes as he went on. “Twenty-three visits. That’s how many it took before you finally spoke to me. I told myself that if you didn’t respond by number twenty-five, I would have to move on.”
I shifted uncomfortably, recalling the time in my life when I didn’t have a voice. Beneath my facial hair, I still bore the scars from the fishing line I’d yanked from my lips. Ed shouldn’t have bothered to sew them shut. I didn’t have anything to say for a very long time.
“You were the first person I’d spoken to in seventeen years,” I admitted.
Lucian’s fingers draped over the arm of the chair, tapping out a steady rhythm as he considered my words. “The guards told me you were either deaf, dumb, or stupid. But as it turned out, you were the smartest son of a bitch I’d ever taken on as a client.”
I shook my head in dismissal, but Lucian wasn’t finished.
“Every time I stop to think about how far you’ve come, it amazes me.”
“I still have a long way to go,” I murmured.
“You’ve overcome more than most people would be lucky to survive, Ace. And as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been too hard on yourself. So whatever it is that’s brought you here tonight, here’s my advice. Don’t let the past spill into your future. Every second, every minute, every hour… they aren’t guaranteed. We have to make the most of the time we’ve got while we’re here, and you can’t do that if Ed continues to control your thoughts. It’s up to you to decide now. What kind of man are you? The mold he created for you or someone else. Someone who you choose to be.”
I leaned forward and rested my arms against my thighs, hiding the disgrace I felt. Lucian’s advice was always solid, but I wasn’t so sure he’d say the same once he knew the depraved thing I’d done. I was ashamed and repentant, but unlike Lucian, I didn’t believe in an ethereal power that could forgive me for such sins. My dark soul would have to bear this stain for eternity.
“I took Birdie,” I blurted. “I had sex with her.”
&nbs
p; I almost couldn’t look at Lucian to see his reaction. I couldn’t bear the disappointment I was certain I’d find there. But his face never changed.
“I expected this would happen,” Lucian admitted. “You two seem to have a connection.”
“That’s it?” I grunted. “That’s all you’re going to say about it? Aren’t you going to ask if she even wanted it?”
Lucian leaned back and shook his head. “I don’t need to. I know your character. And I also know that you came here to punish yourself, but you came to the wrong place. I’m the last person who’s going to berate you for something I did myself with Birdie’s sister. So if you are looking to hear how fucked up you are, I wouldn’t hold your breath.”
“But it is fucked up.” I shot up from the couch and began to pace.
Lucian waited for me to calm before he spoke again, his voice softer. “It was your first real experience, Ace. You stepped outside of your comfort zone, and now you’re at war with your thoughts. This is a process. Remember that you went through something similar every time you experienced something new after you left prison. It’s only natural for you to be conflicted, but at some point, you will have to stop punishing yourself. You deserve good things in your life just as much as anybody else. The only person getting in the way of that is yourself.”
I choked out a stuttered breath. “It’s not that easy.”
“I know it’s not easy,” Lucian conceded. “But you’ll get there. Take it one minute at a time, just as you have with everything else. And remember that as long as Ed still has a voice inside your thoughts, he controls you.”
I collapsed back onto the sofa and stared at the wall. Lucian was right. He was always right. But it didn’t make it any easier to believe that there could be good in what I’d done.
“Ace, what are you doing here?”
I twisted to see Gypsy approaching with a sleepy yawn, carrying a tiny bundle cradled in her arms. She looked worried as she sat down beside me, and I understood why.
“Is Birdie okay?” she frowned.
I nodded on autopilot, lying for the sake of sparing her any further grief than necessary. She’d asked me to take care of her sister, and so far, I was failing miserably at it. But it was evident she didn’t buy my lie as the room stilled and she waited for further explanation.
“Lucian, could you go heat a bottle?” Gypsy asked, her eyes never leaving mine.
He offered me an apologetic glance as he left me alone with his wife while he disappeared into the kitchen.
“Here.” Gypsy leaned over and extended her arms, and before I knew what was happening, I was holding the baby. “You can’t lie to me with a baby in your arms.”
I must have looked panic-stricken because she laughed. “Don’t worry. He’s sleeping. You’ll do just fine.”
Unsure of what to do, my entire body went rigid as I cradled the baby against my chest, afraid that even the slightest of movements might hurt him or wake him.
“How is she really?” Gypsy asked, using my distraction as her opening.
“She’s…” Words failed me. I felt flustered, and it must have been obvious. My cheeks burned as a flush crept up my throat, and I didn’t know how to answer her question.
“I know I’ve put a lot on you by asking this,” Gypsy said apologetically. “Birdie can be difficult to handle. She has a pure heart, but…” Her words drifted off, and she tangled her fingers together in her lap as she gathered her thoughts. “But sometimes, she doesn’t always show that.”
“She does her best,” I answered, my tone defensive.
Gypsy seemed to come to some sort of understanding as she observed me. “Has she had any… outbursts?”
It felt like I was betraying Birdie to talk about her this way, even if Gypsy was her sister. But I knew this was the deal I’d made, and if I didn’t give Gypsy answers, she was likely to want to set Birdie free. Even if that might be the best thing for her right now, I wasn’t ready for that.
“She’s had one.”
Gypsy swallowed and shook her head. “One isn’t bad. I mean, it isn’t good. But I expected it, as I’m sure you probably did too.”
“We sorted it out,” I offered, leaving out the part where I’d fucked her rage out of her.
Gypsy seemed lost in her own thoughts before she answered. “It’s her way of never becoming a victim again, I think… to be the aggressor instead. She tries to suppress her emotions, and then eventually, they boil over.”
“I can handle it,” I assured her, though truthfully, I didn’t believe it myself.
“I know you can.” She paused, and I didn’t think I would like whatever she had to say next, and I was right. “But Birdie’s pretty good at pushing people away. When you look at her, you see a grown woman. Someone who carries herself well beyond her years. But emotionally, she is still so young. And I’m afraid she’ll always be like that. She isn’t capable of relationships or even friendships. Caring about someone means those feelings could be used against her. Do you understand?”
I sank deeper into the couch, watching the baby sleep peacefully in my arms as I considered what she’d said. She was warning me away from her sister, while at the same time, she had inserted her into my life.
“I just don’t want either of you to get hurt,” Gypsy whispered.
I jerked my chin in agreement, though it wasn’t necessary. What happened between Birdie and me would never happen again. She was my responsibility, and I couldn’t fuck this up. She needed a haven. A place to heal from the damage in her past and become who she was meant to. And that place probably wasn’t necessarily with me, but right now, I was the best option she had.
“You look like a natural.” Lucian returned with a bottle in his hand, glancing down at me with his son in my arms. I’d always known that he trusted me, though I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. My past was murky, and as an ex-con, there was no telling what I was truly capable of. But he’d always believed in me, and that was never more evident than when he allowed me to continue holding his son as he offered me the bottle.
I didn’t know what I was doing, but they guided me through the process as the baby began to stir, and a fierce protectiveness grew within me as I watched the innocent baby they had created. I knew that just like Lucian, I would do anything to protect this child. In some strange way, they were my family.
I stayed until the baby fell back to sleep, and I handed him off to Lucian. Gypsy walked me to the door, appreciation shining in her eyes. Those wild eyes were similar to her sisters, but they had softened in the time she’d been with Lucian. Everything about her had softened. I wondered if someday, Birdie would ever find that peace. And even though I wanted it more than I could put into words, it also felt like a punch to the gut. Because I knew it wouldn’t be with me.
I slipped out the door, disappearing into the darkness and reaching for the helmet on the back of my bike.
“Hey, Ace?” Gypsy called out from the doorway. “Birdie hasn’t been answering my texts.”
I secured the helmet around my head and straddled the hog as I glanced at the halo of her silhouette across the driveway. “That’s probably because I dumped her phone into a glass of water.”
“Oh,” Gypsy replied in a strained voice. “I guess that explains it.”
I fired up the beast, and then added, “I’ll tell her you said hello.”
I SAT IN THE STEAM-FILLED bathroom with the shower running for a good forty minutes while condensation collected on my cheeks. I didn’t know if it was more of those disgusting emotions I hated or simply the water, but inside, I felt as though I’d been torn in half.
I couldn’t bring myself to wash away the evidence of Huck’s touch. Even if it broke me, I wanted his scent on my skin. Because somehow, I knew it would probably be the only time I ever experienced it. I had felt him slipping from my grasp the moment we locked eyes. It was the only event I could consider a choice of my own making. My first time with someone I wanted. Someone who, on a
deeper, more primal level, I needed. He had rocked my soul and rattled everything I thought I knew about sex. It was intimate. It was passionate. It was an all-consuming fire. And for one fleeting moment, I felt whole again.
But now, alone in my thoughts, reality doused me in an emptiness I couldn’t shake. I’d never taste him again. I saw the horror of what we’d done in his eyes. He was ashamed of himself, and it only confirmed my worst fears. He didn’t see me as something that could be reborn. I was and always would be the dirty, used-up doll.
I wiped away the moisture from my face as I brought my knees to my chest and allowed my head to dip forward. My breath stuttered a few times, but eventually, it evened out as I came to accept my situation for what it was.
I’d been living in a fantasy land for the last week, wanting to believe that Ace was somehow my savior. He wasn’t and never could be. I had a debt to pay. Burning fires that still needed to be put out. There was no rest for the wicked like me, and I couldn’t do what was necessary while I was trapped beneath his thumb. My only option—the best thing for both of us—was for me to take my life back.
Tomorrow. It would be the only chance I had. I assumed he’d take me to work with him again. But I anticipated his distance, and I planned to exploit it. That was my only hope.
Fighting off the exhaustion I felt, I forced myself upright and turned off the shower. Mechanically, I dried my body and picked through my clothes until I found a pajama set. Once I was dressed, I took stock of my life packed into the pretty pink suitcases, trying to determine what was important. But as it turned out, I couldn’t find a single thing I couldn’t live without.