by Jerry Boyd
Rikki said, “It sounds great. What would be in it for you?”
“My engineer gets to figure out how your drive works. We think your tech is better than ours, and we’d like to see how it’s done.”
Rikki said, “That makes sense, but for that, we need to wake my daughter. She is much better at keeping this old girl flying than I am.”
I said, “I only need one thing from you, for that to happen.”
“What’s that?”
“That you leave the weapon you’re thinking about where it is, so this doesn’t have to get violent.”
Rikki said, “How did you know?”
“It’s what I would do, in your shoes.”
“You are all right, for a monkey.”
I said, “You’re not bad, for a Squirrel.”
He laughed. “I think I will like you just fine, Captain Wilson.”
Rhonda went with him to get his daughter. They brought her back out. He said, “This is my daughter, Tikki. She can tell you more than you would ever want to know about how the drive works.”
I looked around and saw Zoom. I called, “Zoom, find a badge and come here. I have someone you need to meet.”
She came running up. “What’s up, Boss?”
I said, “I need you to get with Tikki, here, and find out how their drive works. From the sound of it, you two have a lot in common.”
“On it, Boss.”
They wandered off and found a workstation. Rikki asked, “Is she your daughter?”
I said, “No. Just an engineer whose work I admire. The first time I saw one of her ships, I knew I wanted her to come to work for me. Had to shoot her in the butt to get her to listen to a job offer, but things have been smooth since then.”
Rikki asked, “You shot her in the butt? And she came to work for you?”
“I had things she wanted. Good tools, good parts. A chance to work on side projects.”
Rikki said, “Suddenly I am glad our species don’t play the same games of chance. I would not want you for an opponent.”
John spoke up. “He’s not that bad, once you get to know him. I’m John, nice to meet you.” He stuck out his hand to shake. Rikki looked at it. I said, “It’s a monkey custom. We grasp hands and shake to show that we are friends.”
He tried it. Then he stuck out his hand to me. “We are friends, are we not?” I shook.
“We are. What sort of food do you like? Most folks are hungry when they come out of the autodoc.”
Rikki said, “There’s some more technology you need. Ours feed us well enough that we don’t wake hungry.”
John said, “That sounds great. I’ve had to stock snacks in medbay.”
I said, “John takes care of our medical work.”
Rikki said, “I think you two have worked together for a long time. How long have you had this ship?”
I looked at John. “Two weeks, more or less?”
John said, “About that. I’d have to look at the calendar to be sure.”
Rikki said, “I thought you said you found it derelict?”
John said, “He did. Him and his wife, on vacation, just stumbled on it, way out in the edge of our system.” He made a sweeping gesture. “Most of these bots were aboard, ready to fix the old girl up. They just hadn’t been given permission. Bob claimed the ship and gave them permission. That was about three weeks or so ago. It only took them about a week to bring it back to being space worthy.”
Rikki said, “I wish I could tell when you monkeys are telling the truth.”
I said, “He is, but I can see how it would be hard to believe. Would you trust a bot more?”
Rikki asked, “One of your mechanical people?”
John said, “Yes.”
Rikki said, “It would be interesting to see how their story is different, at the very least.”
I walked over to a bot that didn’t seem to have too much to do. I said, “Excuse me, I don’t know your designation. Could I get your assistance for a moment?”
“Of course, Captain. What do you need?”
I replied, “Could you step over here and talk to our new friend for a few minutes? He’d like to hear your story of how the Gene Cernan was returned to service, after being derelict for so long.”
“Yes, Sir.”
I asked, “So what is your designation?”
“MRKS-17, Sir.”
“Markus, you say?”
“Yes, Sir, that’s exactly what I said. Thank you.”
I replied, “My pleasure.”
I introduced Rikki to Markus, and let them talk a minute. John said, “Why is it that nobody ever believes the adventures of Bob?”
I replied, “Probably because I don’t believe them myself. I went from working maintenance at the plant to captaining a starship in what, a couple of months?”
John replied, “Just like every other job you’ve had, you’re busting your hind end to do a good job of it. I shudder to think what Dingus is going to come up with for a simulation now.”
I said, “If I had to guess, and I do, I would think he’s going to put me in a situation where I think I’m doing the right thing, but actually, I’m making it much worse. By the time I figure out what I’ve done wrong, it will be too late.”
John said, “You’ve put some thought into that, haven’t you?”
I replied, “He has to hit me with something the bots can’t help with. Everything he’s thrown at me so far, I’ve been able to let the bots save me. It’ll have to be something where it’s all on me.”
John replied, “You realize, if I were evil, I would run to Dingus and tell him what you said.”
“If you were evil, you would have turned me in to the Space Force a long time ago.”
Rikki said, “Your mechanical friend is very convincing. I find myself forced to believe your unbelievable story.”
I said, “I find myself in the same position, every morning when I wake up.”
That was when I found out what a Squirrel’s laugh sounded like. Rikki said, “You are a good friend, even if you are a monkey.”
I replied, “You’re alright yourself, for a Squirrel. I do have a question for you, though. Do your people use alcohol?”
He replied, “You mean for cleaning wounds? Yes, we do. Are you planning to wound me?”
I said, “No, silly. Ethyl alcohol, for drinking. Makes you feel happy, makes your head hurt the next day?”
Rikki replied, “I drink this, yes. What is this about the head hurting?”
John said, “Wow! I didn’t think Steve’s training would work across species. Did he ever tell a whopper. I think he is very familiar with the concept of a hangover.”
Rikki said, “Hang-over? This is when the toilet is your only friend, you wish to die, and fear to live?”
I said, “Right on the first guess. Sounds as if you’ve been the victim of poor buzz management more than once.”
He looked at John. “What does he mean, buzz management?”
John said, “When we are under the influence of alcohol, we say we’ve ‘got a buzz’. If you drink too much, and it isn’t fun anymore, that’s poor buzz management.”
Rikki said, “I understand. One drink gets lonesome, so you find it a friend. Before you know it, they’ve called all their friends, and they’re having a party in your head.”
John said, “I believe we are listening to the voice of experience.”
I replied, “So it would seem. Shall we go and find a beer?”
I decided to walk up to the galley and give Rikki a tour of the ship while we were at it. We were seeing the sights when Frank came rushing up, frantic. Rikki drew his knife and backed away. I said, “Settle down, Frank. What’s all the excitement about?”
“Captain! I’ve figured out how the aliens’ drives work! I think we can build a test article.”
I replied, “Good work, Frank! Very good work. I’m sure I couldn’t appreciate your math. Why don’t you go down to the quarantine bay and check you
r results with Zoom. She can help you reduce your work to hardware.”
“Yes, Captain, that sounds like a good idea. Thank you.”
He took off the way we had come. Rikki asked, “Will Tikki be safe?”
I said, “Zoom is there to protect her. I have enhanced reflexes from the autodoc, and tactical training from one of the best gunfighters in the galaxy. Zoom almost got the drop on me. Even if Frank were dangerous, which he isn’t, Zoom would put him down before he got within twenty feet of Tikki.”
Rikki asked, “You don’t think that man is dangerous?”
“No, I don’t. He’s been stuck in his cabin, studying for several days, trying to figure out how you folks do physics. He seems to think he has it figured out, and he’s more than a little excited. He didn’t even notice you weren’t from around here. He’s got a big letdown coming, when he realizes your Tikki knows more about it than he does, but he’ll be fine. Knowing him, he may have even come up with a thing or two you folks have missed. His minder should be along anytime now to help him deal with all of it.”
Rikki asked, “He has a minder?”
John said, “He’s an intellectual type. If it weren’t for Julie, he’d forget to eat, when he’s in the middle of a problem. Here she comes now.”
I said, “He’s headed for the quarantine bay, Julie. It might be better if you got there first. I’ll get you transit priority.”
She went to the transit, and I said, “Gene, I need transit, my location, full priority. Take Julie to the quarantine bay.” the door opened, Julie shot in, and it closed again. Rikki said, “Nicely done, Captain. Gene is the AI who runs the ship?”
I replied, “He is.”
Gene said, “Nice to meet you, Captain Natti. Boss, does he get a courtesy bump to Commodore while he’s here?”
Rikki said, “Courtesy bump?”
I replied, “It’s a custom, among us monkeys, that there be only one captain aboard a ship. Whenever another captain is aboard, they are called by the next higher rank, to avoid confusion.”
Rikki replied, “Gene, I thank you for your offer, but Mr. Natti will be perfectly acceptable. In fact, if you wish, since I’m calling you Gene, you may call me Rikki.”
Gene replied, “Thank you, Rikki. I will extend you and your daughter all the courtesies I can, to someone who isn’t a member of the company.”
Rikki asked, “The company?”
Gene said, “Bob’s Saucer Repair. All our ships carry the designation B. S., for Bob’s Ship.”
Rikki said, “I think there is something wrong with my translation, it says BS has another meaning entirely.”
I said, “Nope. Somebody on the crew thought it would be funny, and had it started before I knew what was happening. My fault for not getting ahead of it.”
Rikki said, “You are an interesting individual, Bob. I am beginning to think it was worth getting marooned just to meet you and your crew.”
I asked, “What were you doing on Earth, anyhow?”
“Trying to figure out why we can’t grow walnuts.”
John asked, “What happened to your ship?”
“We were chased by something called a Tomcat. Our stealth was working, I don’t know how he shot at us. He called Fox 2 on his radio, and then we were damaged. We managed to get far enough away that he couldn’t find where we landed, but we were damaged too badly to fly again. I hid the ship, the best that I could, and we hit the autodocs to wait for rescue.”
John said, “He fired a heat-seeking missile at you. Your ship must have been warmer than the sky around it.”
Rikki said, “Oh! I would have never considered that. It makes sense, now.”
I asked, “Did you have any luck figuring out why your planet won’t grow walnut trees?”
Rikki said, “We had just arrived when we were shot down.”
I said, “You were still hot from entering the atmosphere?”
Rikki looked embarrassed. “Yes. I never considered that your people might have missiles that would track the heat.”
John said, “I’m surprised they found you, if you were stealthed. Any idea how they did?”
Rikki looked embarrassed again. “I was in a hurry to get down. I left an ion trail.”
I said, “Oh, that gets them all excited. My wife did that by accident once, we had to hide for a couple of hours till they got tired of looking for us.”
Rikki said, “I brought us in over the water. I thought we would be safe.”
John replied, “We sneaky monkeys have huge boats that carry airplanes around, like the one that chased you.”
Rikki said, “I wondered why he headed back toward the ocean, when he complained he was short of fuel.”
We continued to chat as we walked, learning the differences between our people. When we made it to the galley, Dixie met us. “What can I do for you gentlemen?”
I asked, “Could we have three beers, please?”
Dixie said, “Of course, Boss. Any instructions before you imbibe?”
I replied, “Sally is in charge until I am capable of returning to duty.”
Dixie said, “Sit wherever you like.”
Dixie was on her way back out with a tray full of beers, when Sally came over the intercom. “Captain Wilson, to the quarantine bay, please. Captain Wilson, to the quarantine bay.”
I said, “Enjoy those beers, gents.” I ran for the transit, expecting Gene to get it open by the time I got there. I wasn’t disappointed. By the time I had bounced off the back wall, the door was shut, and the car was in motion. I barely had time to turn and collect myself before the door opened again. Frank was throwing a fit. Tikki was hiding behind Zoom, and Julie was doing her best to calm Frank down. I stunned him before I even realized my hand was moving. I called out, “Julie, restrain him, before he wakes up.”
She replied, “Yes, Captain.”
I said, “Zoom, you broke my nerd. What happened?”
Tikki spoke up. “Captain, I am afraid it was I who, as you say, ‘broke your nerd’. He was trying to explain theory to us, and I just told him how what he was talking about works in the real world, without so much math. He didn’t take it well.”
I replied, “I apologize. I sent him here thinking with both of you working together, we could come to an understanding of your drive physics more quickly. Obviously, I was mistaken. He had worked hard to find out what he was trying to tell you, and you had already looked at the answers in the back of the book.”
Tikki said, “I do not hold you responsible for his actions, Captain. He may work for you, but you have no way of knowing what is inside his mind.”
I replied, “Thank you for your understanding. I hope he wasn’t able to harm you.”
Zoom said, “I saw him building up to it, and got her out of his way. I never expected Frank to go off like that.”
I said, “I didn’t either, or I wouldn’t have sent him down here. Julie, do you have anything to add?”
Julie said, “Boss, I failed in my duty. I went to get him something to eat, and when I got back, he was gone. I got Gene to track him, and I was trying to catch up when I saw you.”
I replied, “I don’t see how you think you should have foreseen him going off like this. He’s never given any indication of having that kind of temper. Has he been sleeping enough?”
“I thought he had, but I’ve been going through the logs of the devices I use to check up on him, and I think he’s learned how to spoof them so that he can work through the night.”
I said, “Okay then. Do you still have a nighty-night handy?”
Julie replied, “Yes, Boss.”
“Put it on him, carry him back to his quarters, and don’t remove it for at least twelve hours. After that, he and I will have a little chat.” Julie got him arranged and carried him off. I commed Sally. “Yes, Boss?”
“Could you please check up on Julie, and make sure Frank hasn’t managed to alter her programming? He got away from her awfully easily, it seems to me.”
Sally replied, “Right away, Boss. Is everything okay?”
I said, “Well, I’m pretty aggravated at Frank for calling me away from having a beer with a couple of friends, but other than that, I think things are in a pretty good state.”
Sally said, “You were right, Boss. Frank had managed to make her more suggestible. That probably has a lot to do with her not noticing he was spoofing her surveillance. I’ve removed his hack and put in a command block to keep it from happening again.”
I replied, “Dangit! I thought I could trust that turkey. Make sure Julie knows I don’t hold her responsible for his actions.”
“On it, Boss. Do you need anything else?”
“Not right now. Thanks, Sally.”
“You’re welcome, Boss.”
I turned to Zoom. “Have you two made progress?”
Zoom said, “I’ve learned a lot. I think Tikki would rather teach a little kid, than have to keep telling me that everything I thought I knew is wrong.” I turned to Tikki. “Thank you for your patience. Apparently, your Father’s praise is well deserved.”
Tikki said, “He just praises me so I will keep working on the ship, so he doesn’t have to. He’s a better mechanic than he lets on. He just tries to make sure I have plenty of chances to learn, so that I will be able to take care of myself.”
I replied, “Sounds like a good Dad. Could I ask a question about something other than drives?”
Tikki said, “Please. Zoom is kind enough, but I feel like she is wringing me dry, trying to squeeze every drop of knowledge she can out of me.”
Zoom looked embarrassed. I said, “She’s excitable, too. Luckily, not as bad as Frank. What I was wondering is, we use quantum communications, that should be impossible to trace, by all the physics we know. Your people seem to be able to track them. How does that work?”
Tikki said, “Oh, my! I’m not sure I know how to explain this without offending you, Captain.”
I replied, “The technology we’re talking about is Galactic, and I’m not, so I don’t see any way I could take offense, even if it is just a case of us being stupid monkeys.”
Tikki replied, “Not stupid. Just capable of being tricked. A long time ago, our government decided we needed a way to keep tabs on you monkeys when you got close to our territory. They sent in an agent to sneak an extra circuit into the quantum communicators that will send a position report if pinged with the right code. We can’t track your communicators, but we can use the extra circuit to follow you.”