My phone vibrates, and I know who it is before I even look, confirming my thoughts about my family. I pull it from my back pocket.
Dad: Get home! I’m not putting up with this shit alone.
I throw my arms around Dereck’s neck so he won’t see my tears. I can’t stop them from overfilling my eyes. He tries to pull back, but I tighten my hold.
“Who was that, Serenity?”
I just want it to go away.
“Baby Doll? You okay? You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”
“Y-Your words are my words. I don’t want to lose you because of my—” My throat closes. I don’t know how to express what I have felt for so long. I whisper, “I can’t talk… not yet.”
My phone vibrates again. Over Dereck’s shoulder, I read: Fine. I’m leaving.
Dereck says, “It’s okay. I understand. Can you talk to Josh about it?”
I cry. “What does he already know, Dereck?”
“Not enough. Talk to him so I don’t have to worry.”
“I don’t want you to worry.” I whisper, “But to lie makes me sick.”
“I feel the same, Serenity.”
His heart is trying to embrace mine.
“Maybe we can find a way for you to communicate but not lie, or without making you say more than you want.” He pauses. “How about you nod yes or no? No nod at all means ‘I don’t want to answer.’ Deal?”
He exhales when I nod.
“Thank you—for trying this with me. Okay, first question. Will you talk to Josh?”
Sky and I love the Wise Ones too much to cause them anguish. I shake my head.
Dereck blows out air. “No… Is it okay to ask why?”
I nod and softly say, “Everyone has issues. What makes mine any different?”
He bobbles his head. “Yes, buuuuut some ‘issues’ are worse than others.”
“How do you know unless you’ve lived both?”
He slowly inhales, studying me. “My deep thinker has stumped me.”
“Life is life. It must be lived.”
“Yes, but wouldn’t it be nice to live it the way you wanted?”
“Not always an option.”
After a moment, he casually asks, “Maybe you could talk to me about it?”
“Is this Josh asking or you?”
“I told you I won’t lie, so yes, it’s him, but it’s me, too. I thought we said we were trying this.”
I don’t want you to worry, either, but I’m touched by your offer. I kiss him then look away.
“Don’t want to answer,” he says to himself. “How about if I promise not to tell Josh about this or whatever you choose to open up about? Stays between you and me.” I sense that Dereck and I are taking another important step in our relationship.
I nod.
He kisses my shoulder. “Thank you, Serenity, for trusting me. I’m one of those people whose word means something. Okay, does Jolene know any of what is going on?”
I shake my head.
“Baby, does Sky know?”
I hold still.
“Does she know everything?”
Slowly, staring at him, I shake my head. My eyes well again.
“Come ’ere.” Dereck begins to rock me. Maybe he’s rocking himself, too. He just promised himself into a painful corner. These answers are telling him I’m utterly alone in something so bad I can’t speak it aloud. And now, he can’t tell a soul. “Serenity, will someone get hurt if you tell?”
I nod.
He stops rocking. “Is it you?”
I shake my head.
Slowly, we start rocking again. “Is it happening at school?”
I shake my head.
He hesitates. “Home?”
No answer.
“It’s okay. I’m so thankful you’re trying. Do you want me to stop asking?”
I nod and squeeze him tighter, hoping he won’t be mad at me.
“It’s okay. It’s okay.”
I slowly calm down, and as my body relaxes, Dereck pulls his face back. His stormy eyes search for answers. I wonder how many times they’ve done this with me. I feel less alone when I think of how I’ve trusted Dereck before.
He softly caresses my face. “There are those sad eyes that speak to me.” His strong finger wipes away a leftover tear. “The beautiful, big eyes that deserve more happiness.”
Kindness. He blankets me with tender kindness.
Chapter Nine
Painful Privileges
After apple pie, vanilla ice cream, and hugs, Faith holds my face in her hands. “You come back and see me real soon. Okay?”
My tears shock me, but I don’t move to stop them from rolling down my face. My cell phone is quiet. I know what that means, and I don’t want to leave the most wholesome person my soul has ever met, to go home to…
But I have to. I solemnly say, “Good night, Faith.”
Standing beside me, Dereck seems so touched with how attached I already am to Faith. “I’ll bring you back to see my mom anytime you want. Okay?”
I don’t answer. I just inhale deeply.
“Mom, she’s so sad.”
Faith’s eyes stay on mine as she continues to smile. “Miss Serenity is fine.”
Not sure I agree.
She kisses me. “Change is always good.”
I gasp. Is she like Dereck, or does she know she has told me this before? The sun is gone. Will I dream of her tonight?
Dereck places his palm on my back. “Hey, I got an idea. Wanna go for a ride?”
My watery eyes look at him with exhaustion. But it doesn’t stop him. Dereck leads me into a garage that could easily hold five cars. It smells like new tires in here. He hands me a helmet as the garage door lifts from the ground, exposing the night, then heads toward three motorcycles parked to the left. I follow, becoming even more tired.
“Dereck, I… don’t think I can drive one of these.” The bikes don’t look like those Harleys where the rider sits back and relaxes. These bikes look like the riders lean forward and race.
Chuckling, “Nor do I,” Dereck puts me in a black leather jacket ten sizes too big. “Maybe some other day I will teach you. Have you been on a motorcycle before?”
My head wobbles from left to right, inspecting the foreign object in my hands. He takes the helmet, puts it on me, buckles the strap under my chin, then turns and straddles a black-like-night, shiny motorcycle. Yes, he looks hot. Maybe I’m not as tired as I thought.
“Hop on.” He points at a silver pedal sticking out of the lower part of his bike. “Put your left foot on this peg, swing your right leg over, then your right foot rests on the other foot peg.” I do as told and end up sitting up against Dereck’s back.
Under my helmet, a smile forms. Yeah, I’m liking this.
“Hold on tight. This is my favorite part,” he says.
My arms wind around him. Mine, too.
He rubs my arms as they’re in front of him. “You need to trust me and lean with me when we go around corners to turn. It feels weird at first, but you’ll get used to it.”
The motor rumbles under us, the kickstand comes up, and we’re off. As soon as we leave the driveway, my natural instincts pull away as we tilt into the turn. I feel as though we might fall over, and the hard pavement looks very uninviting. I feel his giggle under my arms as we drive down his road.
“Trust me. I won’t let you fall, but we need to go with the flow and not fight her.”
Dereck is not just taking me for a joyride, he’s building more trust between us.
The bike takes another turn, leaning—I give another resist.
His muffled voice comes through his helmet. “Let your guard down. Believe in me. I re
fuse to fail you. I promise.”
I close my eyes because this is so hard, and I don’t think he’s taking us out of his neighborhood until we are as one. Not letting many people in—staying guarded—is what I know. I think of Jolene, and she smiles at me. I think of Josh, and he says, “You’ve got this.” I inhale deeply and tighten my hold on Dereck, begging him not to betray this trust, and lay my helmet on his back. As I feel the next turn coming, I relax and follow him. I know I did it right because one hand rubs my arms again, and when I finally open my eyes, we’re on the main road.
I don’t lift my head from his back; it feels too natural resting there. I find the street lamps as hypnotic as the mesmerizing yellow stripes. Motorcycles are taking on a whole new meaning, providing freedom to a soul that feels so trapped.
The closer we get to Wide Acres Lane, the more I want to hold onto this feeling. But that’s not how Serenity’s world turns. Reality crashes in as the bike turns down my dark road. Dereck must have sensed the change in me—he pulls over. In a field near my home, we sit quietly on his bike, only the moonlight shining. His legs balance the bike.
“There’s a party at my friend’s house tomorrow night. Do you want to go?”
To cover my emotions, I joke, “Let me check with my boyfriend and get back to you,” but my voice sounds as drained as I feel.
Silence. “Okay… ask me.”
With all our long talks, I have yet to label our relationship. I love the sound of him being “my boyfriend.” I tighten my hold around his waist. “I would love to go anywhere with you.”
Dereck reaches back and strokes my thigh. The rest of my body is instantly jealous.
Without a word, I get off his bike, removing my helmet. Dereck watches me as I touch his muscular thigh. “I want to sit in front of you.”
He lets go of his handlebar, making room.
Getting back on, I face him, straddling his bike, my thighs overlapping his. Dereck’s hands come to my hips with famished fingers, sending dancing chills through me. I now understand the meaning of a double-edged sword. Some painfully delicious emotions soar through me. One: Everything about Dereck makes me feel. Two: To feel exposes me to all there is to… feel. In this moment, I am with the one who makes me hope and dread life at the same time because, when this moment ends, I have to go home.
But before then, there is now.
His shoulders rise and fall while he stares at me through his helmet’s tinted visor. I slowly tuck my head under his chin and kiss his neck. I unhook his helmet and kiss where it was buckled. I can feel him trying to swallow as my lips touch him. Slowly, I remove his helmet and set it behind him where I had been sitting. Dereck doesn’t move. His mouth gapes open while he studies me. My hands slowly slide up his arms and over his shoulders, my fingers feeling his every crevice. I find it quite erotic to touch him like this. And he lets me.
My hands, wanting more, find his neck. I touch his Adam’s apple, then his ears, which lead me to— Oh, this face… My fingers gently search this face that captures me and my world. My thumb runs over his lips. My mouth opens—I want to taste him. I peer into his eyes, and they tell me he’s never been touched like this. His breath pulsates against my face. That’s all I can take. Dereck moans as I pull his open mouth to mine. Our tongues find each other in a rush as he tugs my hips closer to his.
Some nights, I will never forget.
Dereck drives his bike up to my house, engulfed in darkness. He doesn’t ask me to get off the bike but keeps us balanced with his legs. The engine idles. Maybe he’s debating whether to run off with me. I’m not surprised the house has no lights on. My dad’s truck is gone, but my mom’s car is here.
In almost a monotone, Dereck asks, “Can I take you back to my house?”
There’s no energy to answer him. I have to prepare for the walk into the hellhole that is waiting for me, and I say hello to the pit of my stomach. I get off the bike and hand him my helmet. “Good night, Dereck.”
Oceanic eyes peer through his wind guard, but he says nothing. I understand. I can feel his frustration. To keep the peace between us, I turn to face my house. I stop breathing when his motor shuts off, and slowly I turn around. Dereck remains motionless on his bike, watching me. Reading him, I shake my head. “You can’t come in.”
He tugs off his helmet, exposing his stern face. “Why not?”
“It’s… it’s the way it has to be, Dereck.”
Dereck glances at my father’s empty breezeway next to the garage and then to my mom’s car in the driveway. “Anyone home?”
Without making my father sound like an asshole, how can I explain that he sits at a bar and abandons me on nights like this? I can’t. I don’t nod or shake my head.
His voice lowers. “I didn’t agree to play the no-answer game with you on this one.” Dereck gets off his bike and heads toward me.
My hands go up, stopping him.
He eyes the house and grits his teeth. “Something is wrong.”
I nod.
He attempts another step forward. My hands go higher, pleading for privacy.
He growls, “Serenity, are you asking me to leave you in this… this doom and gloom?”
“That is exactly what I’m asking of you.”
Dereck takes a few steps backward then bends over, resting his hands on his knees. Through his color storm, I see he’s fighting an internal battle. I hate causing him such distress, so I let my hands fall and approach him. His hands race to my hips, and he yanks me to him as he stands back up. His eyes are pleading with me, but I’m not ready. No one sees this part—this well-guarded torture chamber I live in. I stand on my tippy toes and wait. Dereck nods. He watches the house behind me while his lips touch mine.
The bike starts as I step inside. Leaving, Dereck’s engine screams, taking the brunt of his frustrations. In my home, I find the familiar musty smell—death. The deathly feel of my life resumes its proper hold on me. I envy the mother Dereck gets to go home to as I search for mine. Finding my mom passed out on the floor—because of alcohol—is heartbreaking.
I drag then pull her limp body halfway up the stairs before I break down. My hands grip hers to keep her from sliding back down as my chest bursts with the pain of this emotional struggle. I stare at her unconscious body sprawled on the stairs as I gasp for air. No, Serenity. Do what you do. Survive! I start pulling again, eventually managing to get her into bed.
Obviously my dad isn’t coming home tonight. He’s running. Not that I blame him.
My room no longer provides the comfort needed. An aqua blanket and useless treasures are all I see. The beautiful ivory-wood furniture and other expensive belongings do nothing but remind me of the guilt my mother used to try and cover. No purchase my mother made could erase the earthquakes that consume my world when she drinks. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. She stopped buying objects, and my forgiveness, long ago.
I go to my closet and retrieve my journal from its hiding place. Heading back to bed, I realize I forgot to return Dereck’s motorcycle jacket. I remove it and hold it to my face, letting my nose send a message to my brain—I’m not alone. Sobs explode from my body. I normally get by, but tonight rips through a heart I had managed to shut down. The same heart Dereck has managed to awaken.
I place the jacket in my bed, right where I wish Dereck were. I crawl in next to it—the closest I can get to him—laying my journal on top of the leather. My tears won’t stop, so I close my eyes and beg to dream of my cloaked friend.
A knock on my sliding-glass door makes me sit up in a hurry, afraid, but then I see the outline of his body in the moonlight. Dereck must’ve climbed the tree next to my room. My favorite tree. I will thank her in the morning. I slowly get out of bed, unlock the door, and slide it open. Dereck’s intense stance and the opening and closing of his hands tell me he is not le
aving.
He inhales sharply as I silently turn away. I walk to my closed bedroom door and lock it. He shuts the sliding-glass door behind him. Weakly, I crawl into bed and lie down. He takes off his shoes as he approaches my bed but stops when he sees his jacket lying next to me. Without a word, he places my journal on my nightstand, moves the jacket aside, and replaces it, sliding into my bed while watching me, as if I might shatter into a million pieces. I think I might have, had he not come back.
On my pillows, we face each other, staring. The only time his hand leaves mine is to catch a falling tear. I close my eyes and know that for tonight, Dereck will catch them all.
When I hear my parents yelling, I sit straight up in bed. My hand blindly searches for Dereck, but he’s gone. Daylight. No dreams. No nothing. I slept like a rock for the first time in ages.
A note is on his pillow.
Serenity,
I don’t want to wake you. You look so peaceful. Call me. I need to hear your voice.
I hold the note to my chest for half a second, then fold it and place it in my journal. Quickly, I hide my journal in the flooring of my closet then open my bedroom door to gauge the battle brewing downstairs. When I realize my mom is handling her own, intoxicated but yelling at my dad for not coming home, I actually have a moment to show my first glimpse of anger. She can snap out of her stoic state when jealousy is driving her but not when I’m battling Father? For her? The scent of another woman spurs the fight in her but not her love for me. It’s a crushing blow.
With cell in hand, I hit buttons to thank Dereck. He answers after one ring.
“Serenity?”
“Good morning.” My voice is still groggy.
Serenity (Forever Book 1) Page 9