The walk is tranquil. A peaceful moment I need. Dereck won’t put me down, and I don’t want him to. “Dereck, you said you would look for me if I ever went missing.”
“And you were right where you said you’d be if I couldn’t find you.”
At my back, I hear him tapping info on his cell phone, probably texting the Crew that he’s found me. I love feeling him so close—his breath near my ear as he walks us through debris, his chest expanding under mine as he inhales. But the closer we get to my house, the more my skin starts to burn. I can hear officer CBs echoing off the last bit of trees sheltering us.
An officer is saying, “I’ve just been told the subject has been found by her boyfriend.”
“Yes,” Jolene says, “Dereck has her.”
My heart is pounding again.
“It’s okay. I got ya,” Dereck tells me.
“I don’t want to go back.”
“I know, but we have to answer the officers’ questions.”
“But, scary things, Dereck. Things you don’t understand.”
He stops walking and tightens his hold. “Nothing scary will get near you. Trust me?”
How can I explain what I saw without being sent to a hospital with bars on the windows? I turn my face into his neck. I don’t want to see the destruction I’ve just escaped. “Yes, Dereck. I trust you.”
As we’re coming out of the dark woods, blue and red lights are bouncing off the trees. I want my trees left alone.
Jolene’s voice is echoing, “Josh, he has her. You almost back?”
“I’m here,” Josh yells from the side of my yard. He must’ve been looking for me, too.
Dereck’s voice vibrates on my chest. “Joles, I have an extra T-shirt and blanket in my truck. Under the backseat.”
“I’m on it.”
As Josh runs across my backyard, Dereck says, “Dude, what the hell happened?”
Josh is still jogging to catch up because Dereck won’t stop walking with me.
“Skyler was becoming more and more agitated while we were bringing her home. By the time we turned on Wide Acres Lane, she started crying, ‘You promised to help me!’ Other than twigging, she was fine, so I instantly knew who wasn’t. Pulling into Serenity’s driveway, we saw through the sliding-glass door that Rex was losing his shit. Got the hide-a-key and entered World War Three, man.” His hand touches my back. “Where’s she hurt? She had blood all over her?”
I ask, “Is my mom okay?”
Dereck starts running with me. “I thought I saw blood on her in my headlights, but it was so dark at the spring, I didn’t see that she’s hurt.”
“What about my mom?”
As we approach my lit walkway, Jolene runs up. “Dereck. You’re covered with blood.”
Dereck sets me down in a hurry. I instantly feel cold without his warmth so I step to him, but he grabs my shoulders to stop me—to examine me. He hisses. “Where’s the blood coming from?”
I start shaking, causing my words to tremble. “Josh, is my mom okay?”
He appears not to care about my mom as he’s checking me over. “Yes. Yes, they’ve already taken her to the hospital for, uh, precautionary measures.”
Knowing she’s in safe hands now, I peer at Dereck because Jolene said he was hurt. The blood on his face makes me reach up to touch him, but catching a glimpse of my hand, I stop. It’s mine. I must have been bleeding this whole time.
An officer approaches. “We have an ambulance over here…”
Josh is bent over, touching my leg. “Look at this scrape.”
I don’t feel it. Maybe I’ve learned to shut out the pain over the years. I’m more worried about Sky. She’s in Roc’s truck—on the passenger’s side—with Roc standing by the door, holding her hand through the open window. Both sets of eyes are expressing sorrow. I attempt to smile—to let them know I’m okay—but my quivering lips and their painful stare have both told me I have failed.
“Where is Rex?” Dereck barks.
The way Josh and Dereck peer over my head, searching for Father, makes Jolene grab their arms. From their expressions, their intent is perfectly clear.
The officer raises his palms. “Guys, he’s in custody. Breathe. Let’s help her…”
Father sits in the back of a cruiser, irate and possessed.
Even with all the chaos around me, I sense the joining of another soul. Like a past and a present time merging into one, or possibly recognizing each other at a level I cannot begin to comprehend. I feel the hands of Josh, Jolene, and Dereck on me as I start to see another vision, yet this time, it’s through someone else’s eyes:
A white room. I’m in a white, cold room. I don’t mean physically so. I mean the lack of human compassion in a professional setting is startling to my sensitive ways. I squint while attempting to move my hands, but I can’t. They’re tied with leather straps connected to silver railings—
I gasp, causing Jolene to wince. “Oh, baby. Did I hurt you?”
They’re still frantically trying to find the source of my blood. My arms are lifted as they inspect me. “Her hand has a cut.”
“Let’s let the paramedic look at her,” the officer suggests, trying to corral us to the waiting ambulance.
“What happened to her chin?” Dereck asks, covering me with the blanket from his truck as we walk.
Slipping back into the vision, I finally sense her… the one from my dreams… her past:
She—I—am tied down to hospital bed railings. I pull on leather straps that are refusing to give. The cloaked woman from my dreams and I are one, and we are all alone—
“A knot. She has a huge damn knot on the back of her head.” I’m sitting on the edge of the ambulance. Voices surround me as my vision continues:
She—I—start to scream, and people in white clothing come running in. “This is because of my father? Why did he do it? Why?” No answer comes, just a needle into our arm. Before I—we—are forced to sleep, our heart breaks.
After checking my eyes and asking me a series of questions, the paramedic puts a butterfly Band-Aid on my chin while I think about the cloaked one. Her father put her in some sort of mental institution. He betrayed her. Is my father betraying me with his actions?
Dereck tells me, “You need to go to the hospital and get checked out.”
Just having experienced a hospital has me whispering, “I don’t want to go.”
“What?” Josh shrieks. “No way! Tell her, Dereck.”
As the paramedic wraps my hand, I stare at Dereck. “Please, don’t make me go.”
“Serenity, you’re hurt.”
“I don’t know how to explain this.” I’m haunted by the emotions and memories from the one in my dreams. “But I know that going to the hospital”—I begin to cry again—“because my daddy put me there… it will destroy me.”
Dereck stares at me with sorrow-filled eyes.
Josh lays his hand on my shoulder. “Serenity, you must be seen. You could be seriously injured in your noggin.”
I don’t break eye contact with Dereck. Needing him to understand me, I softly say, “I will never be the same.”
His studious eyes well.
Josh becomes irate. “You’re too in love with her to see straight, Dereck. Serenity, I will put you in this damn ambulance myself—”
“I will never be the same!” I don’t think it’s only me begging to be heard. It’s as if the cloaked one wants a voice, too. I think—through me—she’s telling everyone the truth. A truth that couldn’t be heard because no one was listening when this happened to her.
Dereck, Jolene, and Josh are all looking at Rocco.
Josh nervously gestures. “Did, uh, did Sky just scream with her?”
Rocco—the Italian—is whi
te as milk. “She’s agitated, but no… But I heard that, too.”
“Heard what?” I ask.
Dereck is dumbfounded. “Two female voices.”
The paramedic’s brows rise as he tends to my hand. “I thought she is the one who hit her head.”
Clinging to the open window, Sky, entranced, growls. “They don’t want to go.”
Jolene walks to her with concern on her face. “They?”
As soon as she nears the door, Skyler’s face softens, and she peers at Jolene and says, “What?” seeming unaware of what she’s just said.
The Crew all look at each other as if doubting their ears, eyes, and sanity.
I instantly feel guilty for somehow yanking them into my deranged world. “Jesus, I’m sorry.” Sorry you are a part of my madness. “But I’m begging to be heard. I’m on the edge—my limit has been reached.” I clutch Dereck’s hand with the one the paramedic isn’t working on. “Please promise me I don’t have to go. I trust your word, now trust mine. If I go to the hospital, I will never be the same.” It’s a lot to ask him, but besides the Wise Ones and Sky, he’s all I have.
They all look at each other again, then at Josh.
Still spooked, he asks the paramedic, “Medically?”
The uniformed man seems a little uncomfortable. “She’s passed my assessment of a concussion, but that’s no guarantee.”
Jolene grabs her chest and tells Josh, “A broken heart is so hard to heal. I vote no hospital.”
Josh inhales and reluctantly nods.
Dereck pulls my hand to his lips, looking worried. “I promise. No hospital.”
Because I’m wearing only a tank top and panties, Dereck slips a T-shirt over me while I stand near the front of my house. Once covered, I rest against Dereck’s side, his warm arms around me. When the dark-skinned officer approaches, I know the time has come for questioning.
Dereck’s body tenses. “Y-You.”
The officer nods. “Yes, Mr. Hamilton. I’m Officer Hawkins.” I nuzzle deeper, wanting this god-awful day to disappear. “I’m so sorry this happened on your birthday, Serenity.” He hesitates. “I’m presuming, if you bought her a Jeep, you two are serious?”
Josh and Jolene must be confused because Dereck tells them, “Mr. Hawkins pulled her over today.”
“Oh.” Josh exhales. “It sounded like he knew her.”
“I do.” Officer Hawkins sounds regretful.
I start shaking my head no, begging this officer to stop. I feel Dereck leaning his head back, grumbling, “That’s why she didn’t even get so much as a warning.”
Officer Hawkins says, “It’s been some years, so I didn’t recognize her till I saw the address.” He touches my back. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, but you didn’t have friends here last time.”
“Last time?” Jolene asks so timidly I can barely hear her.
“Oh no.” Josh sounds as if he may be sick.
I’m full of shame. They’re going to know I’ve been lying to them. One of Dereck’s arms releases me. Is he mad at me? Letting me go?
My eyes open when I feel her. Sky is now leaning her head to Dereck’s chest. Her eyes are glued to mine as my tears start to fall. I mouth, “I’m sorry.” I lied to her, too.
I am. I’m sorry for it all, but most of all I’m sorry for my life. The life that’s going to suck me back in, no matter what. It always does. Sky and I watch each other as she begins to tell my story. The one about how when I was a little girl, when Father first arrived, officers were called to the domestic disturbance and I was eventually taken from my family.
Dereck starts to shake, so Sky rubs the spot on his chest between herself and me. But her eyes never leave mine. Officer Hawkins talks to my Crew as my connection to Skyler grows. The overflowing tears drip down her gentle face that is full of sorrow. “I didn’t know it was this bad.”
The only relief I get from her sad statement is that I kept her from worrying about me all this time. I whisper to her, “I have to go numb now. It’s the only way for me to survive.”
She whispers in return, “To go numb to survive is something I understand well.”
The dark waters and painful waves
The crushing blows of another day
Shadows in the cold, waiting for me
Scary manifestations, only I can see…
I understand why people take drugs—self-medicate. The desensitized relief is so much better than the burning sensation when life is all wrong. Because my mom’s personal numbing agent has caused me such anguish, I refuse to turn to drugs. I know firsthand how painful it is to watch the pitiful downward spiral and feel helpless about it. I won’t be selfish and put my loved ones through such turmoil. So, my body—my mind—has found another way.
I simply shut down.
Confused, Dereck peers down when I pull away. “Good night, Dereck.” I tell the policeman, “Thank you, Officer Hawkins.” Dereck’s arm numbly falls to his side as he watches me walk across my front walkway to my house.
Almost to my front door, Josh steps in front of me with a puzzled expression. “Serenity?”
I smile. “Hi, Josh. My mom needs me. I have to go home now.”
His hands gently rest on my shoulders. “I’m afraid I can’t allow that, baby.”
My head tilts. “Why so sad, Joshy Poo?”
He swallows. Hard. “Because… my girl is shutting down.”
“I have to go put my mom to bed now.”
His arms tighten. “Stay with me a while, okay?”
My head rests on his strong chest. “Okay, but just for a little while.”
He rocks me. “I’m here.”
I don’t know why, but Jolene is crying. “How long has she been going through this… to get this way?”
“Since she was eight.” All heads turn to Sky.
There it is—the truth. When I was eight, I was taken away by Child Protective Services because of my mom’s drinking. It was an awful experience. My mother had been warned that she would lose me if she continued to consume. As a child, I hoped she would choose me over the vodka, but my father had become intolerable, so she continued to drink, and I lost.
Once I was brought back home, the blisters on my hands—from being worked so hard by my temporary foster parents—reminded me to keep my mouth shut during interviews with CPS so I could stay with my family. As dreadful as my parents can be, they are the only family I have.
In Josh’s arms, a tiredness comes over me that I cannot control. I believe my body is finally surrendering to the elements of my uncontrollable surroundings. Maybe this is all I can take. I don’t think I can keep pushing forward. My shoulders, carrying this heavy burden, are caving to the pressure. I feel broken, ruined. I close my eyes, feeling lost in a dark tunnel with no energy to find my way out.
Trust him, the cloaked one whispers to me from somewhere in this darkness. Then a small white light appears. Slowly growing brighter… The light is becoming as bright as the sun, and the warmth beckons me to follow. I would follow this light anywhere.
“… Serenity? Can you hear me?”
My eyes open. Dereck.
Dereck is the light.
He’s now holding my shoulders so that I’m facing him. I slowly reach for his face, wanting to touch his glorious light.
“Serenity, remember your promise? To trust me?”
His face is so soft to the touch. “I’m addicted to your light.”
His hands grasp my face. Firmly. With his forehead to mine, he says, “Baby, I’m trying to keep my promise—no hospital—but you’re not making sense, and you’re scaring me.” His kiss on my forehead is full of pain and anguish.
I understand. No more talk of the light. No talk of the light makes me sad inside because, for the first ti
me, I want to bask in the gratitude that I get to witness such beauty. But I cannot. A tear drips down my face as I look into his worried eyes. “Dereck?”
“Yes.” He nods fanatically. Maybe because he’s praying for me to talk normally. “Yes, I’m here.”
“I think… I’m broken.”
My heart—no longer numb—is back in this painful world, and I cry because of it.
The toll on my spirit has slowly broken me down—day by day, night by night, drink by drink, hit by hit—to the limp, fragile, lost girl that Dereck Hamilton is carrying away.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Silk Cloth
As I’m walking in slow motion down my stairs, in a white cotton dress, darkness surrounds me. Only moonlight coming through the sliding-glass doors shows the way. My bare feet touch the water waiting for me halfway to the first floor of my house. Refusing to turn back, I enter the deep water forcing me to swim. The whole bottom level of my house is almost full of water.
As terrified as I am, I won’t give up. She needs me.
His yell echoes in the small space between the ceiling and water.
She calls for me.
“I’m coming. I promise!” Desperately I search but can’t find her in the living room. “Mom!”
Suddenly, it’s quiet. No more screams from either of them, but the pull to find her has me swimming around the corner of the kitchen. The dark waters are all I see. No center table, no stove, just water and walls. With no warning signs, my father springs out of the water, his face right in front of mine as he grabs the top of my head. He’s laughing as he pushes me under. I struggle for air, but only water gets into my lungs. I’m fighting for my life, and a little white light appears under the water with me. Dereck’s hand reaches for it, grabs hold of my hand, and pulls me from my father’s torture—
“Serenity. Wake up.” My eyes pop open, and I’m in the back of Rocco’s truck, struggling in Dereck’s cradling arms, no air entering my mouth. I’m suffocating. Rocco quickly pulls into Dereck’s garage to a waiting Faith as I flail around, panicking with no oxygen.
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