She made a choked sound and the tears ran down her cheeks. ‘I pushed her through the front door in the middle of the night and threw her things out onto the street after her.’
Sarah got up and went to stand at the window, her back to Will. She stared at the outhouses in the rear alleyway, on the far side of which were the backs of other terraced houses. Whoever had planned these dwellings had evidently been motivated to cram as many as possible into the smallest amount of space. Rain ran down the windows, making an ugly outlook even grimmer.
Neither spoke for a few minutes and Will wondered if she’d finished and what he should say in response. He was numb with shock, and angry on Elizabeth’s behalf. He wanted to find Charles Dawson and wring his cowardly neck.
Sarah turned round suddenly. ‘When did she have her son? How long after she married your father?’
‘I don’t know.’ He felt foolish. ‘I was only a lad and didn’t think too much about these things. She turned up at the Creek already married to him and soon after I realised she was expecting a baby. I thought she must have married him a while before he brought her up from Sydney.’
‘Our father? Was she with Father? Did he come too?’
Will shook his head. ‘She told me he was dead by the time she got to Australia. Drowned in the Harbour.’
Sarah gave a cry and buried her head in her hands.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I thought you would have known that.’
‘I didn’t know he was dead. I thought he must still be with Lizzie. That was the only thing that stopped me going mad – believing that Father and Lizzie were together. That she was taking care of him – that they were caring for each other.’ She dissolved into tears.
Will squirmed in his chair. He’d had no idea he would be causing so much pain when he’d agreed to meet Sarah Dawson.
After a few moments, she seemed to calm herself and she asked him, ‘What date was it when your father brought her home?’
‘I don’t know, Mrs Dawson. I told you, I was still a kid. It was a long time ago and I can’t remember.’ He closed his eyes and tried to recall. ‘I got mad at her for lighting a fire outdoors when the ground was still as dry as a dead cow in a drought.’
‘What month?’
He shook his head. ‘It’s so long ago, Mrs Dawson.’
Sarah appeared to be mentally calculating, using her fingers to work out the months. ‘But it was still 1920?’
‘Yes. I think so. Yes, it must have been.’
‘How long after she arrived did she have her baby?’
He told her, and she returned to sit at the table and leaned her head on her good hand. ‘Her child must have been my husband’s. Unless she became pregnant on the voyage out, but whatever I might have felt about my sister fifteen years ago, I know better now. She was not the kind of woman to behave that way.’ She picked at her plaster cast nervously. ‘No. Her son was my husband’s child. I’m certain of it.’
Will took a few moments to take in what she was saying. ‘Mikey was Hannah’s half-brother?’
Sarah burst into tears. ‘It’s a good thing that he died.’
‘Don’t say that. He was a good kid. A bonzer little fella. We all loved him. Lizbeth loved him.’
He looked down at his hands then raised his eyes to meet Sarah’s. ‘Hannah’s also your husband’s child. And I love her too.’ He swallowed. ‘More than I can say. I’ve only known her a short time but it feels like a lifetime. Everything you’ve told me about her father fills me with horror, but nothing can change how I feel about her. I love every bone in her body. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. She has given me a reason to want to live, when all I used to want was to get through life. To serve my term.’ He knew his eyes were welling up. ‘Hannah has made me want to live forever. I want to marry her. I have to marry her. She mustn’t marry someone else. She has to marry me.’ As he spoke the words, he had never felt surer of anything.
Sarah Dawson looked at him, then she stretched out her hand and squeezed his. ‘And she feels the same way?’
Before he could confess that he hadn’t yet told her of the true depth of his feelings, she continued. ‘If she does, then you must marry. But I warn you, Mr Kidd, my husband will move heaven and earth to prevent it happening. He wants to marry Hannah off to some man in his church. I don’t know who. I don’t know any of those people.’
‘But why? Doesn’t he want Hannah to be happy? I’ll take care of her. I promise you I’ll do anything to make her happy.’
Sarah laughed. It was an ugly laugh, hollow, bitter. ‘Hannah’s happiness doesn’t even enter my husband’s calculations. All Charles Dawson cares about is himself. Hannah is an asset, something to barter or sell to the highest bidder. Marrying her off is something he will only do if it furthers his own ends.’ She laughed again. ‘Her happiness? If he cared about her happiness, he wouldn’t have beaten her the way he did when he found she was keeping a photograph of Elizabeth.’
‘He beat her?’ He slipped both palms against his forehead.
‘She didn’t tell you? No, I expect she didn’t. Out of a sense of shame I expect. That’s what my husband has done to us all. When he exhibits violence and anger, we have been made to believe it’s because we have done something terribly wrong. Years and years of him telling the three of us that he is God’s agent on earth has to have an impact. It kills the fight in a person, the self-belief, the confidence. It caused me to give up so that I neglected my daughters and left them unprotected.’ She laughed again, mirthlessly. ‘There you are! I’m proving my own point. Shouldering the blame for what he’s done. Even now.’ She pointed to her plastered arm in its cotton sling. ‘Who do you think did this?’
‘I’m going to kill him. I’m going to make him pay. He’s going to face up to what he’s done to you and your daughters and to Elizabeth and then I’m going to kill him.’
‘Don’t be a fool, Mr Kidd. All that would do is get you hanged like your father.’ She lowered her eyes. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. But it’s true, and you of all people should know that. If you really love my daughter, then you need to focus on getting her away from here. Away from him.’ She glanced out of the window. ‘It’s getting late. We’ve talked long enough. You need to go. If he catches you here it will make things bad for all of us. You’d better leave by the back door.’
She led him through the scullery and opened the door into the back yard.
Will turned to face her, ‘We have to talk to the police.’
She shook her head. ‘Oh Will, you’re so kind but you know nothing. The police won’t care. As far as they’re concerned it’s a domestic incident. They can do nothing when it’s inside a family. If they investigated every case of men beating women in our street alone, they’d never be done. Men get angry. Sometimes it’s the drink. Sometimes it’s hunger. Often just because a wife or a daughter is close to hand and not strong enough to fight back. A man three doors down battered his wife to death with a saucepan. Broke her skull. He told the police she fell downstairs. He got away with it. My husband––’
‘––can do what he pleases? Even if he ends up killing you or Hannah?’
She looked away again. ‘Pray God it won’t come to that. But that’s why we can’t afford to provoke him.
He looked down at her. ‘Do you know, for years I thought I was in love with your sister. When I finally confessed my feelings to her, she was incredibly kind and told me one day I’d find real love and see that what I felt for her was a shadow of that. I was angry at her. But she was right. Seeing Hannah for the first time was like stepping into the light. When I saw her there was an instant recognition – I don’t mean the physical resemblance – it was much more than that. It was like coming home. Until then I hadn’t realised how lonely I was, how unhappy.’ He looked away, avoiding her gaze for a moment, then turning back to face her. ‘When I started to know Hannah, it was the first time I began to know myself too. Maybe even to like myse
lf a bit. I’ve been living a half-life, Sarah, seeing the world through a fog, only partly experiencing it. But now the veil has lifted, and I can see.’
Sarah Dawson looked up at him, her eyes welling. ‘You are a dear man. I can see that. My daughter is a lucky woman. I promise you, Will, I will do everything I can to help you and Hannah find the happiness you both deserve.’
Chapter Sixteen
As soon as Judith left for work, Hannah, as usual, got up from the table to clear away the dishes. Her mother stretched out her good arm and stayed her. ‘I’ll do those later. I want to talk to you first.’
Surprised, Hannah sat down again. ‘What is it? Has something happened?’ She felt a shiver of fear run through her body.
‘I met him yesterday. Your friend, Will, Elizabeth’s stepson.’
Hannah felt the blood rush to her face and her cheeks burned. Her heart hammered inside her rib cage.
Her mother gave a little chuckle. ‘You’re the colour of a ripe strawberry. So, you feel the same way about him then.’ It was not a question.
‘What do you mean? What did he say?’
‘Only that he’s fallen for you. In a big way. Worships the ground you walk on.’ She smiled at her daughter. ‘He’s a nice-looking fellow. You’re a lucky woman.’
Hannah couldn’t control the smile that broke over her face. ‘He said he likes me?’
‘He said he loves you. Wants to marry you.’
Hand clamped over mouth, a rush of joy ran through her body.
‘So, he hasn’t told you that, yet?’
Hannah shook her head, mute with happiness. ‘We’ve had so little time.’
‘Sorry, if I’d realised you didn’t know, I’d have held back some of what he told me so he could have told you first himself.’
‘It doesn’t matter. Oh, Mother!’ She jumped to her feet and rushed around the table and scooped her mother into a hug.
‘Mind my arm, you daft girl!’
Hannah returned to her seat. She couldn’t remember the last time she and her mother had hugged each other. It must have been when she was a small child.
‘So, you love him too?’
Hannah nodded her head, too happy to speak.
‘It’s all very fast, but I can tell you both feel the same way.’
‘You think it’s too fast?’ Hannah was sure her face telegraphed her alarm.
‘Who am I to say? You both seem sure.’
‘I’ve never been surer about anything. But I’m afraid. About Father.’
‘The only way you are going to be able to marry Will Kidd – and marry him you must – is if you do it soon and do it secretly. Your father will go off like an erupting volcano when he finds out, but once it’s done, it’s done and there’s nothing he can do about it.’
‘But what about you? If he discovers you knew.’ She closed her eyes and covered her mouth with her hands. ‘Oh, Mother, he might take it out on you and Jude.’
‘Don’t worry about me. And we’ll leave Judith out of it. You mustn’t tell her about Will or what you’re doing. You mustn’t even tell me. The less we know the better. You and Will must come up with a plan to get yourselves wed and you can leave your father to me.’ She paused. ‘But if you want my advice, you’ll get him to take you away from here, somewhere your father can’t find you. He told me he sails regularly between here and Dublin – perhaps he can take you over there.’
Hannah was excited but also terrified. Fear of her father wasn’t the only element. It was also fear of the unknown. After years of intimidation by Charles Dawson, confinement within a limited sphere, governed by strictures – and scriptures – she was about to be plunged into a whole new world. A new city, a new country, marriage, love, and who knows what else. And with a man she’d met only three times and barely knew. Yet she did know him. She knew without a shadow of doubt that she loved him, that they were meant for each other.
Sarah said, ‘Enough chat now. Get yourself over to the Gladstone Dock before his ship sails this morning. Whatever you and he cook up together, don’t tell me or Judith. And I’m going to say this now as we may not get another opportunity – please write and let me know where you are. Don’t send the letter here. Write to me care of Mrs Compton next door. But only once you’re safely out of the way. Put it inside an envelope addressed to her and tell her only to give it to me when your father’s not around. And whatever you do, Hannah, however much you’re tempted, don’t breathe a word to Judith. Once you’re settled, we can see about getting away from here ourselves too, but if Judith gets wind of what’s happening she won’t be able to keep her mouth shut. Look at all the trouble she caused by asking me about Lizzie.’ Sarah got up and began to gather the dirty crockery together. ‘Now get a move on. Before you’re too late.’
* * *
When Hannah reached the docks, she couldn’t find him. She ran up and down the quayside, dodging between carts, sacks, and crates, ignoring the stares and wolf whistles of the dock workers. Where was Will?
Just as she was about to give up in despair of locating him, she was grabbed from behind, spun round and found herself wrapped in Will’s arms. The chorus of catcalls was now deafening. Throwing one hand upwards in a gesture of dismissal to the men, Will took her other hand in his and pulled her, half running, off the quayside and towards the exit to the dock.
Once outside, they walked along beside the tall brick wall, hand-in-hand, needing no words, until they reached the entrance to another dock. ‘We can go in here. It’s quieter. There’s no ships in there this morning.’ He led her towards the waterfront, beneath the tall Victorian warehouses that surrounded the dock. They sat down on the edge of the quayside, legs dangling over the side, above the oily water below.
They turned to look at each other and Hannah felt her insides melt. She looked into Will’s eyes and gave a little cry before moving to meet his kiss. This time she didn’t resist it at all. She let him kiss her, and was unable to stop herself kissing him back, feeling a hunger for him that she had to feed.
When at last they broke apart, breathless, he held her head against his chest and stroked her hair.
Hannah was bursting with happiness. ‘Mother told me what you said about me. That you really like me. I had to see you straight away… to make it right – after pushing you away when you kissed me the other day.’
He cupped his hand around her face and looked into her eyes. ‘I love you. That’s the truth of it, Hannah. I’ve never felt this way about a woman before. I didn’t believe it was even possible. I don’t want to be apart from you. I want to marry you. Will you marry me? Please.’ He took her hand. ‘I’ve not much to offer. I’m only an Able Seaman but I’ve already started studying to become an officer. I never took it seriously before, but I’ll work so hard. I promise you. One day I can get my master mariner’s ticket then I’ll be—’
She lifted a hand to his face and placed it against his cheek. ‘I love you too, Will. And the answer’s yes! I want to marry you. Yes, yes, yes!’
Their mouths met again. Hannah held onto Will as though if she let go, he’d disappear. The kiss went on, neither wanting it to end.
This time when they finally drew apart, Will’s face was serious.
‘Why didn’t you tell me what your father did to you?’
She looked away. ‘I was afraid. I didn’t want you to be angry and go after him. I didn’t want you to cause problems for Mother and Judith by making Father angry.’
‘You realise he wants to marry you off to someone from his church? Another bloody religious maniac, no doubt.’
Hannah looked down, then suddenly confident, she looked him in the eyes. ‘He won’t do that. At least not for a while. I keep house and do the books for him. Unpaid slave labour. He won’t give that up in a hurry.’
‘Your mother’s not so sure. She told me to make a plan to get you away from Liverpool.’
‘I know. She said the same to me. Told me I can’t even let Jude know what’s happeni
ng. But I still can’t believe it’s so urgent. Father’s hopeless at business and I’m sure he won’t be any better at making arrangements to marry me off.’ She gave a little laugh, but it sounded false.
‘I’m not taking that risk.’ He looked at her and unable to stop himself, kissed her again. ‘Besides, I don’t think I can control myself when I’m with you. I want you so much. And I respect and love you too much not to put a ring on your finger first.’
She raised her eyes to look at him, at his beautiful kind, world-weary face. Then she lifted her hand and stroked his cheek, feeling the texture of his skin, the early traces of stubble – he’d evidently not had time to shave that morning. As she gazed into his eyes, they clouded over, suddenly expressing worry.
‘I’m older than you, Hannah. I’ve been around the block many times.’ He stopped, evidently struggling to find the right words.
Hannah leaned forward and put a finger against his mouth. ‘It’s all right. Nothing matters apart from how much we love each other, Will. And nothing you can say could change how I feel about you.’
‘But… there’s been lots of women. Some that I’ve treated inconsiderately. I’ve led them on and then walked away. I’m not the good chap you think I am. I’ve lived my life as if I didn’t care about anyone or anything. I’ve drunk until I’ve fallen over; I’ve taken drugs and passed out with no memory of what has happened. I’ve—’
‘I don’t care. None of that matters. It’s all in the past. I love you, Will. No matter what you’ve done.’
‘All my life I’ve been searching for something, but I didn’t know what. I thought I was running away from my past. From Elizabeth. From what happened to my father. From my whole rotten life. But now I know that I was floundering about in the dark, waiting.’
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