At last she said, ‘Don’t you want to have children? Why did you marry me then?’
He gave a long, exaggerated sigh. ‘I did it because of my father. Look, Hannah, I can’t think about this now. It’s all a mess and I’m dog tired. Go to sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow.’
The following day was a Saturday and over breakfast Sam announced that he and Hannah were going out for a walk. Nance gave Hannah a cheeky smile and the pastor grunted what she assumed to be approval.
They walked side-by-side through the streets of red brick houses. The homes, although mostly smaller than the villa that was the Henderson dwelling, were bigger than the terraced house she had lived in and looked more cared for than those in Bluebell Street. Some had tiny patches of garden behind low red brick walls between house and pavement.
Once they were five minutes away from The Laurels, he turned into a road that passed along one side of a public garden surrounded by privet hedges and consisting of gravel paths and rose beds. He led her inside and they sat down on a bench.
Sam cleared his throat then said, ‘Here’s what I propose. I’ll come home after work and eat with you and my father and his tart, then, after he’s gone out or upstairs, I’ll be going out myself, but I don’t want them to know. Most evenings he attends his so-called chapel anyway. I need you to pretend that I’m at home all night even when I’m not.’ He took a pack of filter-tipped cigarettes from his jacket pocket and lit one. ‘If I’m not around and he asks where I am, you’ll need to tell him I’m at my evening class. I’m meant to be doing more accountancy examinations. And if he asks, tell him I was home and in bed by ten o’clock. But he won’t ask. As you’ll probably have gathered, on the nights when he’s at home he’s far too occupied behind a locked bedroom door with his mistress to be aware that I’m not home.’
‘Where will you be?’
‘Out and about. Seeing friends. You don’t need to worry about that.’
She turned sideways and looked at him. His face was handsome, a long aquiline nose, clear blue eyes, a chiselled jaw. His blond hair looked the sort of hair it would be nice to touch. Soft. Silky. ‘Do you already have a wife, Sam? A secret one?’
He gave a little guffaw, smiled at her, his eyes sad and then to her surprise he leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the brow. ‘No, I have no other wife but you, Hannah. No girlfriend. No secret woman. Only you.’
‘Then I don’t understand.’
He smiled at her again and shook his head. ‘Such innocence.’ He took her hand. ‘I may as well tell you the whole truth, if you promise not to be shocked and never to let my father know I’ve told you this.’
She nodded, fearing what was to follow.
‘I don’t have feelings for women. Not the kind of feelings men are meant to feel for women. I prefer men.’
Hannah gave a gasp of surprise.
‘As you can imagine, this is not something my father is willing to accept. I’ve had the Book of Leviticus and passages about the eternal damnation that awaits me, drummed into me until I could recite them backwards. I have tried, believe me, I have tried to be otherwise, but it’s not in my nature.’
‘Have you explained that to your father? That you’ve tried to change but you can’t?’
‘Time and again. He won’t accept it. To him it’s the worst possible abomination. He believes it’s pure wilfulness on my part. He says if I go with a woman I will start to feel differently. But to be honest, I don’t think I could face it.’ He leaned forward, head in his hands. ‘It wouldn’t be natural.’ He coughed and ground out his cigarette stub under his heel. ‘For years I kept it hidden. My father either didn’t know or chose not to believe it. But then there was a threat of scandal. He had to pay to hush it up and that’s when he decided that if I were to be married it would solve the problem. Or at least cover it up. So, you, poor Hannah, are my cover. Since I am a respectable married man, I can’t possibly be one of those terrible perverts.’
Hannah could hardly breathe. She was completely unprepared for dealing with something like this. It was outside her sphere of knowledge – certainly not something ever discussed in her home. She had known no one who was like this. Her own reading of the Bible and other books had never revealed any example of a man preferring other men. She started to wonder if it was naivety on her part. ‘But how is it possible?’ she said. ‘Is there something wrong with you?’
‘My father would have you believe so. Your father too. The Book of Leviticus says, “If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.”’
Hannah gasped, horrified. ‘If the Bible says that—’
‘The Bible says lots of things that I choose to ignore. And it says things that are contradictory. Remember David and Jonathan: “Thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women”.’
Hannah squeezed her hands together, twisting and turning her fingers. ‘It’s too much to take in. I don’t know what to say. I know nothing of the real world. Only what I managed to read in books.’ She was trying to think, but her brain didn’t know how to compute what he had told her. ‘Are you saying we will only ever be married in name?’
‘I suppose I am. I’m sorry, Hannah, if that’s not what you wanted.’
‘And you will never have a child with me?’
‘I haven’t said that.’ He groaned and kicked at the gravel with his foot. ‘Maybe eventually. I know there will be a lot of pressure from my father for me to produce an heir. But it’s not something I really want to think about now. I’m sorry, Hannah, this is evidently a big shock to you.’
‘Did my father know?’
Sam didn’t answer, continuing to scrape his shoe through the gravel.
‘Please, did he know?’
‘Yes.’
She tried to absorb this but couldn’t believe that her father would have agreed for her to be married to such a man.
‘Look, you might as well know everything. The whole dreadful mess. Your father is the one who found out what I was doing. He happened to see me leaving a place… somewhere where men like me go to meet each other. Your father saw me leave with another man and he followed us. He caught us… we were… we were… well, never mind what we were doing… it was in an alleyway. Late at night. Down by the docks. He made me pay him money to keep it from my father and my employers. I’d have been dismissed. I had no choice. I had to pay him.’
It was like a punch in the stomach to Hannah. ‘He blackmailed you?’
‘Yes, I suppose that’s what you’d call it. It went on with him demanding higher sums, until I refused to pay any more so he went to my father. Told him everything and threatened to tell my employers too. Said it was his Christian duty. His moral obligation.’
Hannah felt the tears stinging her eyes, but she was determined not to shed any caused by her father. ‘My father is a bad man. I didn’t realise how bad until recently. I’m ashamed that I’m his daughter.’
Sam gave his head a little shake and scuffed the gravel again.
‘Isn’t the pastor supposed to be his friend? How could Father do that? If he believed what you were doing was wrong and against the teachings of the Bible why would he seek to profit from it by extorting money from you and your father?’ Hannah felt sick to her stomach. ‘So what happened then?’
‘My father doesn’t appreciate being blackmailed, but he didn’t want word to get out that his son is a pervert. Rather than give in to the blackmail, he decided to settle the matter once and for all by buying Charles Dawson’s silence with a lump sum and agreeing that you and I should be married. That way he guarantees that Dawson won’t expose his daughter’s husband without bringing shame on himself and his family. So, you see, this marriage is not about bringing together the offspring of two men who share a common religion. It’s all about venality and greed and hypocrisy.’
The sun was shining and the little park was bathed in light that lit up th
e colour of the early roses. It contrasted sharply with the world of darkness that Sam had revealed to her, which Hannah had never imagined existing.
Sam reached for her hand and held it between both his. ‘I’m sorry to have shattered your illusions, Hannah. I’m sorry to have had to tell you all this. You seem such a nice girl. A good woman. I hope we can be friends.’
She pulled her hand back. ‘We should go to the police. We should tell them about the blackmail. We could get the marriage annulled.’
‘No!’ His voice was a screech and he grabbed at her hand again, jerking her round to face him. ‘We can’t do that. I’d be ruined. They could throw me in prison. I’d lose my job. Don’t you understand, it’s not just the Bible that condemns men like me – it’s against the law of the land too.’
Hannah felt trapped. How could she go against Sam’s wishes when it could cost him everything? Yes, she owed him nothing, but she’d already decided she liked him. Trusted him. He was as much a victim of a cruel father as she was – and in his case her own father had conspired to put him in this situation.
Sam leaned forward and reached for her hand again. ‘Will you help me? Can you cover for me?’ His blue eyes fixed onto her and she looked away. ‘Please, Hannah.’
Realising she could use this as a bargaining chip, she turned back to face him. ‘I’ll need you to do something for me too.’
‘Ah, the quid pro quo. I thought there might be one. What is it?’ He smiled at her.
‘Actually, it’s two things. Firstly, I want to see my mother. Can you take me there? Or at least tell me how to get there. Maybe you could give me some money for bus fare.’
‘Right,’ he said slowly. ‘I’ll have to think about that. My father said he doesn’t want you seeing your family until you’ve had plenty of time to settle in.’
Impatience hit her. ‘That’s ridiculous. My own mother? My sister? Anyway, I don’t even have a change of clothes. Just what I’m standing up in. Nance had to lend me a nightdress.’
He looked thoughtful for a moment. ‘Very well. But for goodness sake don’t tell Nance, or my father will find out and then there’ll be hell to pay for both of us. Here’s what we’ll do.’ He reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a wallet. ‘Here’s ten shillings to be going on with. If you walk down to Walton Vale, you’ll find a bus there going to Bootle. Now what’s the other thing?’
Hesitating a moment, she wondered whether she should confide in him. But he had confided so much more to her. ‘I want to get a letter to someone’ she said.
‘You’ve got money now for a stamp. I’ll bring you paper and envelopes on Monday.’
‘It’s not as easy as that. It’s to a ship. I have no idea how you write to a ship.’
Sam laughed and she thought how much nicer he seemed when he relaxed. ‘And why would you want to write a letter to a ship?’
‘I wasn’t exactly honest with you when you asked if I had a boyfriend.’ Tears came in a sudden rush, after being pent up so long.
‘Bad as that, eh?’ He passed her a handkerchief.
‘I love him.’
‘And he’s a sailor?’
She nodded. ‘We were going to be married.’
Sam squeezed his eyes tightly shut for a moment. ‘I’m really sorry, Hannah. That must make everything so much worse for you.’
Blowing her nose, she said, ‘I’ll never see him again.’
‘God, that’s awful. Did your father know about this?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t think so. If he’d known he’d have been angry. He’d have hit me again.’
‘He used to hit you?’ Sam’s expression was appalled.
‘Only once, but then he knocked Mother down and she broke her arm. He’s pretending it was an accident. I’m sure if he knew about Will he’d have taken it out on me and Mother.’
Sam drew out his packet of cigarettes and lit another, puffing on it slowly. ‘That’s so wrong. Hitting women. How low.’ He shook his head. ‘What are you going to tell your sailor, Hannah, in the letter you write him.’
She started to sob again. ‘I have to tell him to forget about me. To get on with his life.’
‘And will he?’
Covering her face with the palms of her hands she gave a long deep sigh. ‘He must. But he won’t want to. That’s why I have to write the letter. I have to tell him that I don’t want him to try to find me.’ She looked at Sam, who was listening intently. ‘It will break my heart, but I have no choice. I have to make the best of the situation. Perhaps it’s God’s will.’
‘You don’t believe all that stuff!’ He twisted round to face her, then turned his head to blow smoke over his shoulder away from her.
‘Of course I believe in God. Just not all of the Old Testament stories. I do believe God watches over me, and if it is his plan for me to be married to you I just have to get on with it. It must mean that no matter how much I love Will, we aren’t meant to be together.’ She began to cry again. ‘It’s like my aunt, my mother’s older sister. She was supposed to marry someone and he was killed in the war. I look like her. That’s how I met Will. He thought I was her.’
‘Can’t she help you? If she knows what it’s like to lose someone.’
‘She’s in Australia. Our family lost touch with her.’ Her body was shaking as she was convulsed in tears. She tried to pull herself together. What if someone should see them. But the park was empty.
‘This is all my fault. If I wasn’t a queer, none of this would have happened.’ He thumped his fist on the back of the bench.
‘It’s not your fault. If Father hadn’t forced me to marry you, he’d have had me marry someone else of his choosing. He made that clear. And it could have been someone much worse than you – sorry, I didn’t mean to sound rude.’ She gave him a watery smile. ‘I thought at first he wanted me to marry your father.’
‘Good grief – that would have been a fate worse than death.’ He pulled a face. ‘But surely you could have run away with your sailor.’ He looked puzzled. ‘Why didn’t you?’
‘I’d no idea it would all happen so quickly. I thought there’d be time. After I met you and knew it was all arranged I went to find him, but his ship had sailed. He goes back and forth to Dublin and he’s usually gone for three or four days, sometimes longer. Then I thought there’d still be time. You know – while all the arrangements for our wedding were being made. I’d no idea there wouldn’t even be any. Just a bunch of old men and a signature in a book.’
‘Not exactly every girl’s dream, eh? And I don’t imagine most girls would be too thrilled about marrying a queer.’
‘Is that what they call people like you?’
‘We get called all manner of things. That’s the mildest.’ He took her chin in his hand and tilted her head back slightly. ‘Such a pretty girl. It’s a damn shame your beauty and charms are wasted on me.’ He dropped his hand and said, ‘Very well, Hannah, I will help you get a letter to your sailor. Even though it will probably break the poor chap’s heart.’
A thought appeared to give him pause. ‘How do I know you won’t write and tell him where you are, so he can come and take you away. Your father could start the blackmail all over again.’
She hesitated, bit her lip then said, ‘I’ll let you read the letter.’
‘I can’t read your declarations of love. It wouldn’t be right.’
‘It won’t be a declaration of love. That would make him more determined to come and find me. I have to make it clear that there’s no hope for him. It’s the only way I can protect my mother and the only way I can get on with my life. Living in hope is more than I can stand. Do you get that?’
He nodded solemnly. ‘You are a very special woman, Hannah. I don’t deserve you. And you deserve so much more than I can ever give you.’
‘Thank you.’
He jumped up and pulled her to her feet. ‘Enough of all this sadness. We need to get back. I have to pretend I’m studying and you have to cook the
lunch.’ He crooked an arm out to offer her. ‘Shall we?’
Hannah slipped her arm through the proffered elbow and they made their way out of the park.
‘I must say, you have very good taste. I have a bit of a weakness for sailors myself.’
‘Really?’ Her eyes widened. ‘Even sailors can be…’
‘Perverts? Yes, they can. Not all queers are gentle little flowers with a penchant for dressing up, you know. Some of them are very masculine. What we call in the trade, a bit of rough. I’ve had some regular trysts with a nice Australian sailor.’
Hannah stopped in her tracks. ‘Australian?’
‘Yes, we queers come in all shapes and sizes and even nationalities.’
‘Will is Australian too.’
‘I don’t think this can be the same chap. I certainly hope not anyway. For your sake.’
‘Of course he isn’t.’ Remembering the fervour of his kisses, she knew there was no possibility of Will harbouring any feelings for men. ‘There must be lots of sailors from Australia. Liverpool has sailors from all over the world. What’s his name?’
Sam frowned.
‘I’ve told you Will’s name.’
‘You have an extraordinary way of winkling out all my dark secrets. His name is Jacob – but he calls himself Jake.’ Sam’s eyes drifted away from her to gaze into the middle distance as if recreating a memory. He’s a regular at the club I go to. Short and stocky, with a dark beard and a very strong Australian accent. I can’t see him as being remotely like the man of your dreams, Hannah.’
Storms Gather Between Us Page 22