by KB Winters
“I’m infertile.”
The words fell like stones between us, and it took me a moment before I processed them. I could hear Kelly breathing heavily on the other line.
“You’re…what did you say?” I asked tentatively.
Kelly let out a sigh over the phone before answering. “I said I’m infertile. I can’t have any fucking kids, okay?”
I walked into the living room and fell back onto the couch. The pregnancy test in my hand now felt even heavier as I contemplated her words and tried to find something to say.
“How do you…I mean, have you seen a doctor?” I asked softly.
“That’s where I am right now.” I could hear the rustle of fabric over the phone and I wondered if she had locked herself in one of the patient rooms. “I took a few tests and came today to get my results.”
“A few tests?” I wasn’t trying to be nosy, I just really couldn’t fathom how someone as healthy and in shape as Kelly could possibly have any trouble conceiving a child. She was like the poster child for healthy living.
“Yeah. There was some hyster—thing that I can’t pronounce and then ovarian reserve testing and an ultrasound and…” Her voice trailed off. I could hear her breathe out heavily and the thought of what she must be feeling had me swallowing back my own tears. “The doctor said that I have about a fifteen percent chance of conceiving naturally and carrying the baby to term.”
“Fifteen? That sounds—”
“Absurdly low and I would hope grossly inaccurate. I’m too young for this to be happening to me Savannah, but we’ve been trying to have a baby since we graduated and I haven’t even gotten a false positive.”
“Oh Kelly…”
“It’s not fair, Savannah! So many people out there get pregnant without even trying, and they don’t even want a baby.” Her words made me wince as they described my situation perfectly, but I stayed quiet and let her get her feelings out. “We’ve been trying almost every day for two years and nothing. It’s like,” her voice grew quiet. “It’s like I’m broken or something.”
Right then, I knew I couldn’t tell Kelly about my pregnancy. Not now, and maybe not ever—depending on what I decided to do. “You are not broken, so don’t ever let me hear you say that again.”
“I know. Logically, my brain knows all this, but it’s hard not to feel like I’m worthless.” Kelly said her voice meek and so unlike her. “I’m failing at doing the one job my body is designed to do. How does that not make me a failure?”
“Because you are not just a breeding machine, Kelly. You are a wonderful person and a loving partner. You are so much more than your ovaries, and your uterus, and your ability to push a watermelon out of your vagina.” I smiled when I heard her huff out a quiet laugh. “Kelly, there are millions of women out there who deal with infertility as well, so please don’t think you’re alone—or defective.”
“I know. It’s just so hard,” she admitted.
I nodded my head even though I knew she couldn’t see it. “What has Cliff said about it all?” I knew Cliff, Kelly’s brand new husband, was probably extra sweet about it, but I figured reminding her might take a little more of the pressure off.
“Oh, Savannah.” Kelly’s voice broke, and I was alarmed to hear her sobbing on the other end of the phone.
“Kelly? What happened?” My blood ran cold with a sudden thought. “Did Cliff say something to—is he blaming you for this? Because if he is, I will go find him and—”
“No!” She exclaimed cutting me off. “No, nothing like that. Cliff has been nothing but amazing and understanding. and I don’t feel as if I deserve him.”
“Sweetie, of course you deserve him,” I said trying to console her. “Both of you are young, and you have so many years to keep trying as well as other options, right?”
Kelly sniffed. “Yeah. My doctor actually wants to discuss some possible treatments today. I’m just waiting for Cliff to get here.”
I smiled, relieved that I wouldn’t have to change my view of her husband. “There you go. Honey, you are amazing and wonderful and one way or another, I know you’ll get to pass along those same great qualities to the next generation. I mean, you tamed Tiffany. Only a special type of person could do that.”
Her rich laughter floating from the phone brightened my mood and I knew we were okay again. “And I just want to say, I’m sorry Kelly. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ve been under a lot of pressure, and I know I haven’t really been there for you through everything.”
I shook my head. “You have enough pressure to deal with and I’m just venting.” I heard the sound of a door opening on the other line.
“Kelly? What are you doing in here, baby?”
The sound of Cliff’s voice made me smile. “Go talk to the doctor Kels and let Cliff give you a big hug.”
“Are you sure? Didn’t you want to talk about Cole?”
“Absolutely not. You are far more important right now than any old man.” I smiled at her laughter. “I love you, Kels.”
“I love you too, Savannah. I’ll call you tomorrow?”
“Definitely. Give Cliff my love.”
After I hung up the phone, I sat there on the couch lost in thought. Kelly was right. I often thought of her life as more than perfect, but in doing so, I had neglected to see what she was going through. I was so wrapped up in my own problems that I ignored my friend when she needed me most, and that had to change. I’d gotten into arguments with two of my closest friends over a guy and that was just unacceptable to me.
The doorbell ringing shook me from my thoughts and without even thinking, I stood up and walked over to open it.
“Cole?” It was a shock to my system and when he didn’t answer I started to legitimately think I was dreaming. “What are you doing here?”
“I…” His voice trailed off and his gaze was somewhere near my hip. My eyes widened as I realized the pregnancy test was still in my hand. I quickly put it behind me, but I knew when his eyes shot up to mine that it was too late.
“Let me explain.”
“Are you pregnant?” His question was quiet as if he’d lost the ability to breathe. I swallowed before answering.
“Apparently, yes.”
That one word was like a cold shock to my system, but before Cole could say anything more, darkness fell over my vision. The last thing I remembered before darkness engulfed me, was a shout of alarm as the ground rushed up to meet my head.
Chapter Three
“Hmm,” I hummed as my mind got back online. I opened my eyes, slightly glad that it was dark in my room.
Wait.
“What am I doing in here?” I asked myself opening my eyes fully and seeing my ceiling. The last thing I remembered was talking to Kelly about her infertility issues and then— “Oh my God.” I sat up quickly, blinking against the light-headed feeling from my blood rushing south too quickly. I glanced around but nothing in my bedroom was out of place. I could, however, see that the light in my living room was one thanks to my door and floor not meeting completely. I flung the covers away and stood up. I had to brace myself against the bed frame for a moment until my legs felt stable enough to sustain my own weight.
“Now I know how Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz felt when she walked out of her house after that tornado.” My words were the only sounds I could hear, but I knew that it wouldn’t be that way for long. Each step towards the door felt like I was walking into a trap of my own making, but I knew that I couldn’t hide from this—not again. It was time for me to stop being a coward and get over my own issues.
“I was wondering when you would wake up.” Cole’s voice called out after I opened my bedroom door. My eyes blinked against the bright overhead light, and my vision took a moment to adjust. When I could focus clearly, my gaze honed in on Cole where he was sitting on my small couch. To my dismay, I could see that he was holding the plastic pregnancy test in his hands. He didn’t look up at me though�
�his gaze riveted on the clearly visible blue plus sign.
“Is it mine?”
I wanted to scream at him for asking that question, but I held my anger back and tried to see things from his perspective for once. I had been selfishly considering only my thoughts and feelings for far too long.
“Yes.”
Cole looked up at my answer, his gray eyes murky and unsure. “Are you positive the baby is mine?”
I swallowed thickly and spread my arms. “There’s been no one else—only you.”
He closed his eyes at my answer and I stood still as I saw him take several deep breaths in and out. My body was practically trembling with the need to run away and hide from this conversation, but I forced myself to wait patiently for him to speak. When his eyes opened again, they looked determined and I wondered what exactly he’d decided.
“I know that this isn’t what you wanted or planned for, but…I’ll pay anything and everything you need if you’ll just…” His voice trailed off and I frowned. I didn’t understand what he was trying to say. “I know you don’t want to be with me and I’ll respect that. I’ll promise to take care of him or her and never ask you for anything ever again.”
I blinked trying to process his words. “Are you, what are you saying right now?”
Cole stood up from the couch and walked over to me. He stopped a few feet away and made a motion as if he were going to reach out a hand and then decided against it. “It’s a big thing to ask of you, I know, but I promise you won’t have to lift a finger for anything and when the baby is born, we’ll get out of your hair.”
His words finally lined up in my head. “Wait, what? Cole, I’m not having an abortion.” My volume rose as I finally comprehended what he was trying poorly to say. “I believe in the right to choose, but I wasn’t planning on having one myself for Christ’s sake!”
He winced before holding his hands up. “Okay, thank God. That’s good.”
“Geezus,” I huffed. I walked around the coffee table and collapsed down onto the couch. Cole quickly followed, sitting closely beside me. “Why would you think that—?”
“I didn’t—I mean…I wasn’t sure, Savannah. I didn’t exactly get a chance to ask you anything before you passed out.”
This time I winced. “Sorry about that. I haven’t been feeling the best lately.”
Cole nodded. “It can happen when you’re pregnant. You should probably eat something too.” He stood up abruptly, and I had to crane my head back just to maintain eye contact. “I can make you something to eat if you have some food in the kitchen.”
I stared at him, totally confused as to how we had gotten to this moment. A part of me wanted to kick him out, but an even larger part of me wanted him to stay. “Why did you come back?”
He sighed softly before sitting back down beside me. Cole put a hand over mine as if he needed to touch me and reassure himself that I was there. His warmth was familiar, and I turned my hand around to tangle our fingers together. He looked down, expression shocked before looking back up at me. I lifted my eyebrows prompting him to answer my question.
“I came back because I just couldn’t stand the way things ended with us.”
This time it was me who sighed. “The way things ended wasn’t your fault, remember?”
He gave me a small sad smile. “I remember. I remember me surprising you with my new job and then abruptly asking you to leave your whole life behind and come with me.”
“You remember me running and hiding in the bathroom like a coward then too, right?”
Cole’s hand squeezed mine. “I remember me not trying to stop you.” His voice grew quiet. “I remember putting my clothes on and leaving instead of trying to talk to you and understand why you were so afraid. It was a big thing to ask, Savannah. Not only was I asking you to leave your job, friends, and family, I was also asking you to move in with me and my baggage.”
I shook my head. “You don’t have—”
“Savannah, I have a chronically ill mother who is in constant pain unless heavily medicated, and a teenage sister who broke some kid’s nose because he looked at her the wrong way.”
“I reviewed the CCTV footage, your sister didn’t do it on purpose, the boy really did run into her fist.”
“Regardless,” Cole continued. “I have a lot of things going on in my life and asking you to be a part of it with no notice wasn’t fair to you at all. I should have told you that I applied for the job after we got together so both of us could have been prepared.”
His words were true, I should have had more time, but still... “I shouldn’t have run away and hidden in the bathroom though. I should have explained more how I felt.”
He nodded. “Fine, I’ll concede that point. Both of us weren’t thinking clearly and obviously we both need to work on communication, but I just had to come back and see you.”
I had to fight against my need to hide myself away. Being vulnerable was always terrifying, but appearing strong and escaping hurt had obviously not been working for either of us, and to keep going about things in the same way would no doubt yield similar results. I was tired, and now with this baby, I knew I needed to work on not running when things got uncomfortable.
“I missed you.” The words were quiet, but to me it felt as loud as if I’d yelled them. I could tell by Cole’s response that he hadn’t expected them at all and something in me broke. “I missed you so fucking much, and I hated myself for hiding away and not answering your call. Every day I looked at my phone and berated myself for being such a stupid coward for letting you go.”
“So why did you?” Cole asked. His tone wasn’t at all accusative, only curious. “Why didn’t you call me back?”
“I didn’t know what to say,” I replied, honestly. “After my ex, I vowed to do things my way and not be caught vulnerable like that again, but it backfired the night I met you. You weren’t at all like I was expecting, and you challenged me.”
Cole brought one of my hands up and kissed the back of it. The feeling of his lips on my skin made me shiver. “That’s probably what drew me to you as well.”
“What? Me being a difficult person?” I joked.
“No. You knowing what you want and doing everything you can until you get it. I like that you’re feisty—”
“Oh, that’s what they’re calling it these days?”
“—and I like that you’re strong,” Cole continued with a smile. “We both have some baggage, but nothing insurmountable.”
I smiled back at him leaning closer. “What are we going to do about our living situation though? I won’t be able to convince another school to give me a chance, especially since I’ll end up going on maternity leave soon after.”
“Well, that’s really up to you, baby.”
I pulled back to look at him. “You don’t want me to move in with you any more?” My heartbeat faltered at the thought.
“No,” Cole exclaimed. He dropped my hand and reached up to cup my cheeks in his palm. “Don’t get me wrong. I want you to move in with me. I would love nothing more than to wake up every day with you beside me, and I think you’d be pleasantly surprised by how much Candice misses you.”
“She does?” That was news to me. I knew most of my students liked me, but I had no idea I’d be thought of after they’d left my school.
Cole’s smile was wide. “She does. She said you two had a good talk and you gave her advice without making it seem like you were talking down to her.”
“Oh,” I breathed out, pleased to hear that. It wasn’t a lie. I was truly happy to know that Cole’s sister liked me at least a little bit, but it didn’t change the facts. “So what are we going to do about the distance?” I asked. I couldn’t imagine being away from Cole, especially not while being pregnant, but I also knew that we had to be realistic. I couldn’t just up and leave my job with no notice. Burning bridges in the education world was akin to career suicide. “As much as I want to pack up and go now…”
“I kno
w,” Cole replied when my words trailed off. “I know how important your career is to you, and I’d never ask you to give it up. I just want you to be happy.”
I nodded, grateful that Cole understood how much having a career meant to me. Still, it left us both in a bit of a pickle in terms of our relationship. “I want you to be happy as well.” Cole pulled me into his embrace and I fell into it without a thought. I took comfort from him even as I felt his arms tighten around me. It was at that moment that I realized I wasn’t the only one drawing comfort from our embrace. Cole was a tall, muscular man with an intimidating face and a presence that screamed fuck off at times, but in that moment, I saw a vulnerable side of him. It was then that I knew I wasn’t the only one who really wanted this to work.
My ex had made it hard for me to trust other men, and I’d always thought being in control would keep me from being hurt again like that—but I quickly realized there was a big difference between being cautious and being closed off. I didn’t want to look back at my life and regret my choices. What I felt when I was with Cole was different from anything else I’d ever felt before. I didn’t know if we would last forever—but I knew I would always regret not giving us a real chance.
Still, there was one more thing to consider. “What does your mom think about all of this?” It was strange to be asking about a woman I’d never even met.
“Well, she knows that you make me happy—happier than I’ve been in a long time.” I smiled at that, but stayed quiet as he continued. “She also knows that I asked you to move in and she bitched at me pretty good about that one.”
I could feel the smile melt off my face when I heard that. I shouldn’t be surprised at all, but the thought that Cole’s mom wasn’t happy about me moving in with him definitely put a wrench in the plan I’d been forming in my head. “Oh, I…I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like we’ve known each other all that long after all.” I moved to pull away from his embrace. “We should definitely consider how your mom feels, especially in her condition and—”