Bruce dropped and wobbled; as a modern guy, struggling to fly, he just couldn’t bear such a heavy thought.
The Smile She Deserved
Oh, the ennui of being queen of the sea. A lone moody mermaid perched on her rookery and watched the island’s only inhabitant, young Jacob. How she despised him. The only eligible male to come to her realm since she had come of age was in every way completely unworthy of her.
She warranted a strapping, athletic man with strong broad shoulders, golden hair, and sky-blue eyes. Her mate needed a smile that could and would affirm her beauty each and every time he looked upon her. This one amounted to an anchovy at best; short, little more than a boy, hair the color of mud, and spectacles that obscured his eyes so much that she could hardly care what color they were. To make matters worse, he spent inordinate amounts of time watching terns. He seemed to worship the birds – a sure sign he was simple in the head.
A small gust shook the mermaid from her reverie and she realized she wasn’t alone in her study of the sea slug. A seal bobbing in the water not four feet away watched Jacob too with big in- nocent eyes. Although she looked like any ordinary seal, the Lorelei recognized the selkie, a maiden of the sea, inferior, but not so different from herself.
“Little sister, why do you waste your gaze on this ridiculous male?”
Without turning, the selkie answered, “I have decided to swim to him and offer him my skin and become his wife.”
“Why would you give yourself to him? He is beneath even you.”
“Perhaps, but it has been a long while and the only other male to come to this place is the withered one, with the barnacle beard. Yes, this one is puny, and weak, and unkempt, and inexplicitly attracted to sea birds, but I fear he is the best I can hope for.”
The mermaid considered. She, of course, knew of old barnacle beard. He seemed to be a caretaker of sorts and never stayed long. Was the selkie right? Well, Jacob was the only option so, yes, that did make him the best option. The mermaid sighed expressing all the self-pity she suddenly felt. “You’re right little one. I didn’t see it until you pointed it out, but I must offer myself to him and become his wife.”
“Wait a minute. You just said he wasn’t even good enough for me. What are you saying now?”
“He is beneath us both, it’s true, but I now see that it is a sin for me to not allow him to be with me. My beauty will not be denied. I must have him. I mean look at me. Am I not the very definition of resplendent? I dare not risk the terrible waste.”
Sadly, the selkie couldn’t argue with her logic. The mermaid was resplendent and it would indeed be a waste.
With a heart full of reservation and revulsion, the mermaid dove into the water and headed to shore. The selkie worried she had little chance against the mermaid, but she raced toward the shore as well, convinced that this was her one and only shot.
Deep in his tern data, Jacob did not expect to see two naked women in the cabin when he looked up.
The shorter, and to his mind, prettier one, held a wrinkly animal skin. She had thick brown hair, enormous brown eyes and a lean, toned build. Next to her stood a total Galamazon. If she hadn’t been completely exposed Jacob might have mis- taken her for a drag queen with her outrageously long locks and lashes. Where the littler one struck him well proportioned and unpretentious, this one seemed all curves and dazzle.
The selkie stepped forward holding her skin out toward Jacob. “You are small, odd, flawed in countless ways, and you reek of terns, but you are my only option for a mate. This is my skin. Build a fire and burn it and I will become your maid, your lover, and your wife.”
Jacob shot up from his chair and stumbled backward.
The mermaid, not about to lose the upper hand, seized control of the situation. “Unfit as you are, I rank highest here, if anyone is having you as a mate, it is I.”
She inhaled and then bellowed out a strange, haunting song. As her eerie, enchanted melody filled the room, everything turned hot, and slow, and woozy. The scent of rosemary wafted through the air, smoky and intoxicating. The mermaid com- posed herself regally, focused directly on Jacob and with all the sultriness that was her birthright and with the seductive authority vested in her by the power of the sea, sashayed toward him.
Jacob held his hand out in front of him. “What are you doing?” he demanded.
The spell broke and the room turned back to normal.
Utter disbelief filled both the mermaid and selkie. This was all wrong. The mermaid was indignant. The selkie seemed confused and maybe a little turned on.
“How is this possible?” the mermaid snapped. “You are a man. We are siren. You can neither resist nor deny us.”
“I’m pretty sure I just did.”
“How is this possible?” The horrified mermaid repeated.
“Well, I can think of a couple reasons. For starters, I’m in a committed relationship, engaged in fact.” The thought of his fiancé made Jacob grin. “And besides that, I’m gay.”
“What do you mean gay?” The selkie broke in. “Do you mean happy? Like you’re so gay with your engagement you can resist the allure of siren? Are you engaged to a witch?”
“No, to a man. I’m gay.”
Jacob grabbed a framed picture off the shelf and extended it toward the bewildered women.
There in the photo embracing Jacob was the mermaid’s Adonis – the muscles, the blond hair, the blue eyes, even the smile, but it was Jacob this man’s smile affirmed.
Jacob couldn’t help himself. “His name is Sven,” he gushed, “Isn’t he gorgeous? He’s a competitive Nordic skier. He’s training for the Olympics. I miss him so. He’s such a hottie.”
“You desire one the same as you? This hap- pens?” The thought seemed to be blowing the poor selkie’s mind.
The mermaid cut her off. “I’m the hottie here. And both of us are siren. You should not be able to resist either of us.”
“Okay, let me get this straight. You,” Jacob pointed to the selkie, “are only interested in me because no matter how lousy I am, you’re pretty sure I’m the best you can do?”
The selkie nodded demurely.
“And you are only interested because she is and if anybody’s going to get a man around here, it’s going to be you, right?”
“That’s hardly the point.”
“To me it is. Thank God I’m gay, because I couldn’t stand to be stuck with either of you.”
“Are you sure you’re gay?” The mermaid countered.
“Yes. I’m sure.” “How are you sure?”
“If you must know, I tried having a girl- friend. She was a great girl. We’re still friends and all. It just didn’t work out.”
“You laid with a woman, even though you de- sired a male in your heart? Was she a hottie too?” The selkie asked.
“Yeah, some people can handle being bisexual, it was worth a shot, but not for me. She was pretty enough, and smart, and kind, but turns out it’s only guys for me.”
The mermaid refused to accept any of this and with no subtly whatsoever assaulted Jacob with every trick she had. She attacked with sultry come-hither eyes, slow seductive motions, and shamelessly obscene postures.
Jacob hardly noticed any of it, but she attracted the selkie’s full attention.
“Sorry girls. Go back to the sea. I am not the one for either of you.”
“No. No, you’re not.” The selkie agreed. And with that the selkie led the confounded mermaid back to the watery depths where they belonged.
“You really are beautiful.” The selkie offered. “Yes, I know,” the mermaid agreed.
“I mean you’re a hottie for sure.” “Yes, yes I am.”
“I have no idea why anyone would try to contest your charms.”
“Neither do I.”
“Maybe I can catch us some crabs and we can talk more?”
She thought that would be nice. She said, “Yes, you may enjoy my company.”
The selkie reached the water’s edg
e.
“I think we can both still do better than barnacle beard.”
The mermaid laughed spreading radiance across her being. She was a vision. The selkie smiled back. The mermaid took notice, and looked closely, studying the smile. Something inside the Lorelei stirred as she realized this was the kind of smile she’d been waiting for, the one she knew she deserved.
Hardly Any Feel Left
Tired and hungry, Zach finally found a perfect place to make camp, perfect except for the zombie. The sad rotting corpse struggled against a tangled fence, attempting the same step over and over. He moaned and flailed toward Zach, but he
was good and stuck and wasn’t going anywhere.
Zach knew he should bash the poor bastard’s head in, but he was so tired of bashing heads. Zach felt beaten. Exhausted by the hopelessness, the meaninglessness, worn-out from being afraid, from being angry, and most of all from being alone. These days everyone was dead or an asshole, and neither made good company. Assholes in particular tended to lie, steal, and threaten, so at the moment the trapped dead guy wasn’t looking so bad.
The zombie seemed young to Zach, probably around his own age and he didn’t appear too decayed, so Zach figured he hadn’t been dead long. Zach made polite conversation as unloaded his backpack and set up for the night.
“I’m Zach, twenty-years-old, from the Muskegon area. I had a job at Best Buy. I’m pretty sure everyone I know is dead. You?”
The zombie groaned.
“Yeah. It sucks. Everything sucks. You look quite stuck. You been like that a while? I’d set you loose, but you’d for sure try to eat me and I’m be- yond sick of people trying to eat me…it’s so weird, everyone trying to eat everyone all the time.”
As Zach spoke, he looked around. They were in an abandoned tree farm. Zach had picked his way through a mishmash of miniature trees—rows of baby maples, oaks, and elms standing across from an array of their conifer cousins—to reach the large uncultivated field where he now prepared to spend the night. The journey through the strange landscape that was both perfectly organized and starting to become overrun felt surreal, like every- thing these days.
The field separated the nursery from a barn, house, and an assortment of other outbuildings. Zach strung safety wire around a boulder, an old fence post, and a couple of saplings, and then laced it with items intended to clang if bumped to wake him. He rolled out a tattered green sleeping bag in
the middle of his little territory and sat on it. He pulled a granola bar, cellphone, and gadget from his pack and connected the phone to the little ma- chine.
“You can’t imagine how happy I am that I bought this solar charger right before it all started going down.” Zach said between bites. “Such dumb luck. Sweet employee discount too. Lots of my apps still work. Thank God for automation. I used to be against it, what with what it did to all the good assembly line jobs and all, but these days I’ve changed my tune. That’s for sure.” Zach crumbled the granola bar wrapper and unplugged his phone from the charger.
“Let’s selfie.”
Zach stood a safe distance in front the ensnared zombie who grabbed and growled, but truthfully the rank smell of spoiling flesh alone was good enough reason for a few feet between them. Zach held up the phone framing himself and the zombie, shook most of the dirt off his mop of brown hair, opened his brown eyes wide, and smiled exposing perfectly aligned teeth. Even un- der a thick layer of grime he looked good. It was hard to say for sure, but it seemed like Zach and Zombie might have passed for kin at some point not too long ago. They had the same build. Zach snapped the picture and laughed at the thought of a shirttail zombie relative. “Are you my brother from another mother?”
The zombie snorted.
“Dude, I may have something for you.” Zach ruffled through his pack and produced a Christmas tree air freshener, like people hang in their cars. He took careful aim and tossed it at the zombie. It landed just as Zach had hoped, snagged on what was left of the zombie’s tattered polo shirt collar.
“Maybe that’ll help.”
As he settled back into his little camp, Zach fussed with his phone and charger and said, “I won- der if you were a geeky guy too. You look like you might have been.”
The zombie grunted.
“Did you just respond to me? Were you a geek? You were, weren’t you?”
Another grunt.
“I may have lost my God damned mind, but I think you’re talking to me.”
“Urrrrrrrr……” said the zombie with a creepy nod.
“Okay, here goes nothing. Google translate,” Zach said to his phone, “can you speak zombie?”
“Yes.” The sultry, but cold digital female phone voice answered.
“Ha! Should’ve known.” Zach thrust the phone in the zombie’s direction. “Zombie, what’s your name?”
The zombie let out a long hissing exhale that sounded like “sssssaaander,” to Zach.
“Xander,” the phone announced.
“Oh my God, is your name Xander?”
The next murmured exhale the phone translated as, “yes.”
“And you can really understand me? You are talking to me?”
“Yes.”
“If you can talk and think, why are you stuck on that fence? Why can’t you get yourself free?”
After a much longer series of groans, the phone translated, “Slow. Took me long time to know stuck, probably take long time to know how to unstuck. Plus, all motor skills gone to hell.”
Zack giggled with glee. This was the best conversation he’d had in weeks.
“Well, Xander, tell me all about yourself. Where are you from? Did you have a job? A family? What’s your story?”
After another series of utterances, the phone said, “Hard. Hard to remember before.”
“You’ve lost your memories? That sucks.” “No, not hard here,” the zombie bonked him-
self on the head, “hard here.” He thumped near his heart.
“You mean it’s hard for you to talk about, like painful?”
The zombie let out another whispery breath that the phone translated as, “Yes.”
“Wow. I’ve been hating you guys for weeks. I never imagined you could be suffering. I thought about smacking your head off when I first saw you.
Sorry.”
“No worries. Not suffering now. Only hurts when try remember.”
“You’re not in pain now? Like this very moment?”
“No.”
“Oh. Do you want to eat me?” “Yes.”
“What the hell Xander? Don’t you feel bad about that? Doesn’t it upset you that you want to eat people?”
“No.”
“Why the hell not? Maybe I should smash
you.”
It took a minute to translate the longer moan
talk, but eventually the female phone voice said, “Maybe. Eating feel good. Best part of life after. Hardly any feel left. Why feel bad about feel good?” “Eating people makes you feel good?”
“Yes.”
“How do you not feel terrible about that?”
Zach could have sworn, Xander half shrugged.
“Eat cow, pig, chicken before. Feel good, probably wouldn’t if thought too much, but didn’t. Family eat animals, teach me eat animals, always eat animals. Feel good. You eat animals?”
“Of course I do. I’m from Michigan. I hunt deer and love me some hotdogs and brats.”
“Feel good?”
“Yes.”
“So?”
“Eating animals is not the same as eating people.”
“Oh. Sorry. Same for me.”
Things went quiet. Zach felt tense, so he just thought for a while.
“Xander?”
“Yes?”
“Do you want me to kill you? Like, bop you in the brain? Put you out of your misery?”
“No.”
“No? You want to stay a zombie?” “Not so bad being zombie.”
“Not so bad? You’re st
uck on a fence. You want to eat me. That’s not so bad?”
“Zach, you want die? You want me kill you?
Put out of misery?”
“No! Of course not.”
“Is not so bad? Not so bad stuck inside wire circle? Not so bad scared zombie eat? Not so bad, alone?”
Zach understood Xander’s point and he did not like it. “How is it not so bad being a zombie?”
“Before, crap job. Before, jerk boss. Before, parent basement. Before, bust car. Before, 9 to 5. Before, grind. Now, no worry, no work, no problems, just eat and feel good. Being zombie not so bad. When you zombie, not so bad.”
“Wait, doesn’t it hurt for you to remember stuff ?”
“Not that stuff. Pain when remember girl- friend. Pain when remember birthday. Pain when remember baseball homerun.”
“Yeah, I was a ball player too. I know what you mean. So are you telling me to not lose sleep over becoming a zombie? That it’s not that bad?”
“Yes. Except…” “What?”
“Except, almost no feel. Feel good when eat, but no feel bad, no feel curious, no feel happy, no feel surprise, no feel friendship. Mostly just no feel. Bummer.”
“Hmm.” Zach laid thinking. As he dozed off his head whirled with perspectives he had never considered.
Zach woke early and packed up camp. “Xander, I’m taking off. I’m not going to kill
you, mostly because you don’t want me to. I’d love to let you loose and keep you around for company, the air freshener seems to be helping a little bit, but you’d try to eat me wouldn’t you?”
“Yes.”
“I thought so. Too bad, you seem like an okay guy. Best I’ve met in a while anyways.”
“Thank.”
Zach started to walk away deep in thought and then stopped and turned back toward the zombie.
“Xander, do you think I should end it? Go ahead and let you eat me? Become a zombie?”
Xander took longer than usual to answer.
“I would like eat Zach, but no. No become zombie now.”
“Why not?”
“Zach still have time.” “Time for what?”
“Time for feel. Go feel sad, feel curious, feel happy, feel surprise, feel friendship. Feel all while you can.”
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