“No.” Ashni stood, making sure that her body brushed against Beck’s, and she let her denim jacket slip down her shoulders so that they were bare. “You don’t need to explain anything.” She stood on tiptoes and whispered, letting her lips brush his clean-shaven jaw, “Dance with Sky. I want to watch.”
The second flare of heat in his eyes nearly crumbled her resolve.
“I’ll buy you a drink.” She slipped her hand in his back pocket, spreading her fingers wide for a moment to curl them into his very prime, firm ass and then extracted his wallet. “On you,” she said touching the top of her lip with her tongue—a move she’d read about in so many romances. Too obvious?
His regard focused on her mouth, and she felt like he almost kissed her again. Heat bloomed from her breasts to her core. No. She was supposed to be playing a flirtation game. Not falling under the spell she was clumsily trying to weave.
“I know what you like,” she murmured.
“What I love,” he corrected, fingers brushing hers.
For a moment she almost held on to him. It would be so easy. But no. She needed to walk on her own for a while. If Beck wanted to have a life with her, he had to love the woman she wanted to become, not just the one she’d been. She didn’t want either of them to stay together out of habit.
“Enjoy your dance.” She looked into his warm blue eyes that always reminded her of a lake in summer.
“I will.” One finger stroked her cheek, and it took all her willpower not to lean into his hand. “But the dance later with you will be even sweeter.”
Where was the air? How did she swallow?
“Maybe,” she said angling her body away from him, making sure her bottom brushed his groin. She heard him hiss, and it felt like the sun rose in her chest.
“Bartender,” she called out.
*
It took a lot of discipline to keep his attention focused on his dance partner, when he wanted to get back to Ash. She looked fantastic. She had sort of a mustard-colored, soft wrap dress he hadn’t seen before. It was off the shoulder, exposing her silky dark skin, and it hugged her body and skimmed several inches above her knee. Where had she been hiding that dress? And did the bow at her waist hold the dress on or was it for show? A vision of him untying the dress and it puddling around her new cowboy boots suddenly left him needing to adjust himself.
Do not think of Ash naked. Or the dress.
“You do have a few moves,” Sky teased. “But your attention needs some work.”
“Sorry.” Beck looked down into her upturned face. “I just…” He took her hand and spun Sky left in a tight circle and then right and then they two-stepped counterclockwise around the perimeter of the small dance floor. “Ashni’s been away at a family wedding for a couple of weeks, and I really missed her.”
And she hadn’t answered his calls or returned his texts today.
Bodhi, like always, had been right. Something was very, very wrong.
And he had to fix it.
“Let her have fun tonight,” Sky advised and then executed a smooth dance move that pulled his concentration off of Ashni, who was laughing at the bar with the Wilders.
“I want her to have fun,” he said. “I just want it to be with me.”
“Maybe she wants to be appreciated. Wooed.” Sky executed a few more spin moves that should have been his to direct. “Eyes on me, cowboy.”
“Sorry.” He spun Sky around and they switched directions to execute another spin before moving around the floor again. She was light on her feet and easy to dance with, but he’d never felt less like dancing.
Was Ashni going to actually shoot whiskey?
He wanted to see that. And taste her lips after.
Luke and the other Wilder seemed to be encouraging her to try it. They each had shots in their hands now. Bodhi, leaning against the bar with the woman he’d corralled, also seemed to be talking his current conquest through the art of the whiskey shot. Kane Wilder strode through Grey’s double doors. His gaze lit on his wife, and then he joined his brothers.
Perfect. Beck’s squiring duties would surely be over. But just as the song ended, Ash did the shot, tipping her head back, exposing her graceful throat and pronounced collarbone that he loved to butterfly kiss as he undressed her. He was captivated. She’d cast a spell over him since he’d first seen her through the glass section of the high school music room door. Ash held her arms up in victory and laughed. She looked so vibrant in the historic bar. Alive. She hopped off the barstool and stomped her feet a few times.
“That was fire,” she called out.
And he wanted to burn with her. Beck turned Sky toward the bar just as another song kicked in. Ash smiled and took Kane’s hand as he led her onto the dance floor.
“Stuck with me.” Sky laughed at his dilemma.
“What do you say we kick it up a notch?”
“You lead.” Her lips tipped up in a smile. “That would require you paying attention.”
“I can focus when I need to.”
Sky looked over at her husband, smiled, and winked. He tipped his hat to her.
Beck loved to dance. But he rarely partnered anyone other than Ashni. It was strange and arousing to watch her move around the floor, grace, confidence with a little attitude. Kane smiled and chatted even as he maneuvered her through some showy turns. Beck got creative with Sky, and she seemed delighted, laughing when he rolled her across his back and then swung her around his front without missing a beat.
“You do have moves,” she said. “When you need to play.”
“Not everything’s a game.”
Like Bodhi’s Rodeo Bride Game. How would that end in anything but disaster?
Bowen hadn’t returned from the Graff.
Bodhi was still at the bar with the woman, now demonstrating the basic two-step, his hands light but definitely on her body as he guided her in place through the moves.
Were his cousins really going to go through with something so outrageous? And why had he jumped into the game instead of sitting on the sidelines for once? Everything inside of him shouted out a big fat no to that idea. But Granddad’s happiness was on the line. And how would he persuade Ashni to play along when she was already upset with him?
The engagement would have to be real.
His breath seized in his lungs.
It wasn’t as if everyone hadn’t been expecting them to marry since they’d graduated college. But the revolving door of his mother’s husbands during his childhood had been dizzying, and after his father moved on and started a new family, cutting Beck out of his life, and the first stepfather walked out after two years, Beck hadn’t bothered getting to know any of the others or his bio dad.
He didn’t want to be that man.
But he was going to have to go down on one knee in a far more public and showy proposal than would be to his liking, now that he’d egged his cousins on and upped the stakes.
And Ash would say yes. She’d been hinting at marriage for a while now. She’d asked him straight out last Christmas, and he’d barely dodged her question with a mumbled something followed by a lust-driven assault on her body to distract both her and him.
She’d be hurt if she thought he was playing a game—once again trying to outdo his cousins.
So it would be real. He tried to swallow the panic that scratched his throat, like he’d swallowed a Brillo pad.
“You look like you’re doing calculus in your head.”
“Kinda feels like,” he admitted.
“I’ll be rooting for you during the roping games,” Sky stood on tiptoes and whispered. “Now go kiss and make up. You have my approval to woo my new friend.”
“Kane’s got his hands full.”
Sky curtsied. “That’s how he likes it.”
Beck turned to Ash, his heart feeling like it would hop out of his chest. He hadn’t been this nervous to ask her to dance since freshman year of high school. He swept off his hat.
“Ma’am, may I ha
ve the next dance?”
Ashni hesitated, biting down hard on her full, pouty lower lip, and Beck’s heart felt like it skipped a beat. “Please,” he added.
The music started up. Beck didn’t recognize the song, but it didn’t matter. As long as he could hold Ash in his arms, nothing else mattered.
“Please,” he repeated and held out his hand. Ashni watched her friends dance off. Her shoulders dropped and alarm skittered through him.
“Whatever’s wrong, we can fix it,” he promised.
“I don’t think you can, Beck,” she said softly, but still she allowed him to reel her into his arms, and he sighed into her beautifully silky hair that she’d left loose tonight.
He could, he vowed to himself. He would.
*
“Can I take you home?” Beck asked when they’d sat down after several more dances.
Ashni didn’t know what to say. ‘Yes’ seemed obvious. Beck had been walking or driving her home for years. But tonight, she wasn’t sure.
Their relationship wasn’t working anymore—not for her and maybe not for him. And tonight, after such an emotional day, and the finals and long drive for him, didn’t seem like the ideal time to hash it out.
But leaving him hanging didn’t seem fair either.
“Yes,” she said. “But first let me check in with Sky to make plans for tomorrow.”
“Sure,” he said and helped her with her cropped denim jacket. He lightly cupped her petal-soft cheek with his work-roughened palm.
“You look beautiful tonight. Even more luminous than usual,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, trying to ignore the feelings bombarding her.
“Why does that make you sad?”
A million reasons.
He bent to kiss her, but she slid off the barstool and turned to Sky. Her heart rate shimmered like a hummingbird in her chest.
Beck’s naked admiration had always made her feel like she could fly. Now she felt trapped in a cage of her own making.
“I’m going to head out. Beck will walk me back to Walker and Calum’s.”
Sky nodded. “Have fun.”
“No. Not that,” she said quickly. “But I do need to talk to him. Try to explain.”
Guilt swamped her. She’d confessed more to Sky today than she had to Beck. He was her confidant. And Reeva, who was now married and making a new life. More proof that she needed to create her own new life with work she loved, a home and friends.
“Keep the ball in play,” Sky advised. “How about we meet at Main Street Diner at noon, and then review your plan for Harry’s House. You can get set up after. I’ll help. The kids won’t come until three thirty or four.”
Ashni nodded. Feeling oddly nervous and anxious, Ashni waved and headed out of Grey’s. Beck, tall and determined, paced alongside her.
They needed to talk. She only wished she knew exactly what she wanted to say.
Chapter Five
They walked a block down Main Street—the noise from Grey’s fading. This was an impossible situation.
She loved Beck.
She couldn’t imagine her life without him.
But she was going to have to. At least until she created a life that didn’t revolve around him and wanting him to marry her.
I need to define myself, not be defined by Beck or marriage or children.
She took a deep breath, promptly chickened out and tilted back her head to look at the star-spangled sky.
“I always forget how beautiful the night skies are in Montana.”
So many of the places they traveled were cities. She’d grown up in a city. She was tired of the noise and the traffic and the buzz—the never-ending feeling of go-go-go. More. More. More.
“My favorite place to be.” His voice rang with conviction.
“And yet you rarely are,” she said softly, not meaning it as a criticism but the truth. She’d learned to love Montana with Beck and had always imagined settling down here. Raising their children on the ranch with his granddad, his cousins and their wives and families.
“It never seems like enough time when I’m here,” he said.
“Because you don’t make it.”
His sigh was audible, but Ashni was not feeling forgiving. She’d given him an opening—he could have said Montana was his favorite place to be with her. But he hadn’t taken it.
She wanted to kick herself. Why was she still trying?
Force of habit. Habits could be broken.
Ash started walking again.
“Where are we headed?” he asked, and she choked on a laugh that was anything but amused. That was the million-dollar question. Physically, the end of Bramble Lane. Life direction? Love direction? Career direction? Family direction? She hadn’t a clue.
This is the new adventure part you’re supposed to love.
She wanted to kick her inner sarcasm to the curb along with Beck.
“You want me to drive you? I brought my truck.”
In case she invited him to stay. A thrill ran through her. It would be so easy to back away from the ledge she’d climbed on and pretend everything was okay. Let him light her on fire and make her feel loved. Even the touch of his hands and the brushes against her body while they’d been dancing had filled her with heat and longing.
How can I walk away?
She had to. She had to build a life that didn’t rely on Beck by her side.
Now that she’d admitted to herself that she wasn’t happy, she had to stay true to her course. Create her own happy. Build her new life. Respect and prioritize herself.
It would be hard, but it would get easier.
“I prefer to walk.”
“You going to tell me what’s wrong?”
No.
Yes.
Ashni stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. “It’s hard to put into words,” she began, and because it seemed so natural, she reached out, stroking one finger along his much bigger, stronger, work-roughened hand. Even when she knew she needed to get some distance, she still reached for him.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Anywhere’s good, Ash. Start anywhere. We’ll find our way. We always do.” He sounded so confident. So sure. And his smile, a little lopsided and wistful, was so familiar and safe that she nearly burrowed into him and just held on.
He felt like part of her, and she didn’t know who she’d be without him.
You’re about to find out.
Ashni walked toward the courthouse. She always loved the lights on the building at night and the beautiful park that fronted the courthouse and wrapped around it. In a couple of days, tourists would be pouring in for the rodeo. Already most of the shop windows were decorated with rodeo scenes. It seemed like each year the window dressings became more elaborate even though the friendly competition was more about pride, not prize.
Stop stalling.
“I love you, Beck.”
Now there was a news flash to no one ever. Why had she started with that?
He caught her around her waist and pulled her into his body. She thought he’d kiss her, and she felt herself soften.
He lightly cupped her jaw and ran one thumb over her lips.
“I love you too, Ash. You know that. It’s always been you.”
She searched his eyes, but even with the warm yellow light from the old-fashioned streetlights that were replicas of the town’s first gaslights, it was hard to see his expression.
“I know,” she said. “But I don’t think love is enough anymore.”
There was a beat of silence and then another, and another.
“What does that mean?” Beck asked hollowly.
“It’s not enough. We want different things from life.”
He stared at her—the picture of shock and bewilderment.
“Like what?”
Ashni pulled away from him and continued walking, faster now. How could he be so stupid? Like what? Like everything.
But that wasn’t fair.
Overhearing him ask Bodhi about other women. The clear discomfort when Jerry pressed Beck today about his plans with her. The hurt was raw. But she knew it was more than that. She’d been unhappy for longer. She’d grown more dissatisfied with their life this entire year. She’d felt stuck.
She deserved better. But it was on her to seize it.
“Ash, hold up. Talk to me. Tell me what’s really going on.” His voice reflected his frustration.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Beck, and right now it feels like I’m hurting myself even more, but I want to break up. I need to break up with you.”
The words sounded obscene and loud in the night even though she never shouted.
He reared back.
“What are you talking about? Why would we ever break up?”
“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.”
“Never.”
“Really? Mister ‘I’ve never ever been with another woman. What’s that even like? Do they taste different? Feel different when you’re inside them? Is it different when they…you know, blow you? I’ll never get the chance to find out.’” She hurled the words at him. Total quote.
She’d even mimicked the wonder in his tone. The curiosity.
His mouth moved but no words came out.
“Like women are different flavors of ice cream for you to lick and taste. Well, now you’ve got your chance.”
It felt good to raise her voice. Good to be angry. Something inside her felt uncorked—an inner honest emotion genie.
“Go bang other women. Pick them up in bars. Have a competition with never keeps in it his pants, Bodhi. Have at it.”
“What?” He still stared at her as if she’d started speaking in tongues. “I don’t understand what you’re talking about. I’d never cheat. Never.”
“Don’t play stupid. You asked Bodhi about other women at the sponsor bar in Tucson,” she reminded him. “I didn’t feel up to going, but then I felt bad about not being there to support you so I showered, got dressed, and arrived to hear you and Bodhi speculating about whether a bunch of buckle bunnies would blow you differently.”
Beck squirmed—probably at her crass language, but also because he’d been caught out. Her heart felt like stone, but still the hurt and anger seared her veins. How she wished she’d slapped him at the time—stormed out like a pissed-off diva because this awkward part would have been over then, not just starting. Still, she reveled in the freedom she felt from uncorking the hurt so it fizzed all over him.
The Cowboy Says I Do Page 7