Chapter Eight
“You going to chase her?”
The question from last night still rang in his memory and mocked him.
Heck yeah, he was going to chase her. But all he seemed to be doing lately was standing still, even as he kept himself busier than usual at the ranch. He’d spent all of Tuesday checking and repairing fencing with Cade Osterfeld, a ranch hand who’d worked and lived on the ranch for more than a decade. Cade was quiet, and Beck had appreciated the quiet to think and plan.
He’d also—for the first time he could remember—wanted to be away from his cousins.
If he had to listen to Bodhi’s offers of seduction tips or Ashni sightings like the one where Bodhi had seen her sitting in the sun, face tilted to the sky, sipping a hot chocolate from Sage’s Copper Mountain Chocolate Shop, Bodhi was going to end up with a black eye or a hole in his beautiful, lady-killer smile.
“You’re ceding the field,” Bodhi had said. “Giving Ash too much lead.”
Meanwhile, Bodhi and Bowen seemed to be neck and neck in their Rodeo Bride Game. Bodhi had brought Nico to the ranch for a picnic lunch and horse ride, and Bowen had done the same with Langston. Beck had worked until long after sundown with the moms’ list of directions that he had carried out without complaint.
Bowen, his mom, and Langston had started decorating the barn now that it had been emptied, repaired and repainted. Bodhi and Nico had concentrated on cleaning and fixing up the log cabin on Plum Hill. Beck felt more like a landscaper than a cowboy this week as he worked with the hired crew landscaping around the main house and helping with some upgrades inside including refinishing the floors. The house, the yard and Plum Hill and North Vista barn had never looked more beautiful, but it just made him feel more and more like he was standing on quicksand. Usually it would have been he and Ash working side by side preparing for the Bash. His mom had shrugged off Ash’s absence, hands on her skinny hips.
“Good for her,” his mom had said when her sister Genevieve had finally asked about Ashni. “Girl finally found some sense. She’s been following you around like a puppy since you were both kids. She always was far too talented and smart to live her life through you, staring at the ribbons of road like the brokenhearted star of a mournful country song.” Beck’s mom had always spoken her mind in great detail. “Ashni was intending to go to medical school. Instead she became your professional girlfriend.”
Beck had been appalled. Ash was so much more than a girlfriend. She’d decided against medical school years ago.
Because you’d be separated too much.
But she’d accomplished so much for the tour’s marketing department. She’d created many community outreach programs and had built up the social media presence exponentially. She’d been full of ideas and had loved it.
Until she hadn’t.
It had been like this for three days. Him feeling like he had a hole in his chest the size of his boot. Giving Ash the space she wanted and hating every minute of it. Working from dawn past sundown but finding no peace in the exhaustion. And searching for and finding answers he didn’t like. His mom was right. Ashni had followed him. Lived his dream.
And now she wanted to follow her own.
So today, Wednesday, as he’d been loading hay bales and arranging them up in the loft of Vista Barn after doing a deep clean of the entire barn since he’d helped repair the roof, he’d sat down on a hay bale and stared out of the upper door toward Copper Mountain. It was his favorite place in the world. It was where he and Ash had first made love many years ago. And where he’d first told her that he wanted to build a home for them on Plum Hill and raise their family alongside his granddad, and his cousins and their families. All of them would continue to build the ranch for the next generation.
“I’ll be happy anywhere as long as we’re together,” she’d told him, skin gleaming in the light slanting through the barn.
She’d lost that belief in them. Or he’d killed it through inattention.
And all the turmoil that had been churning inside him settled. He knew what he had to do.
She was done following him, and so it was his turn to follow her. Let her chase her dream. And he’d build his own with her. Only the thought of perhaps not having the ranch as his home base made him feel utterly lost. He still couldn’t believe his granddad was contemplating selling. It wasn’t yet a done deal, at least it wouldn’t feel done until Beck saw a sale sign, but so far his granddad had refused to talk about the ranch or the future with him or with either of his cousins, and they’d all tried. Beck didn’t know what the future held, but he knew what he had to do.
Beck pulled out his phone and composed a short email telling the tour that after the finals, he would be retiring. He could have saved it to drafts. Discussed the momentous decisions with his granddad or his cousins. Shared it with Ash and have her look over the wording to see if there was a way to make it better, but in the end, he just wanted to be his own man and keep his own counsel.
He’d pushed send.
That night, just as the sun was setting, Beck stood on the back porch and grilled the steaks and veggies. The night was so mild, they were going to sit outside on the large outdoor patio for dinner. Everyone but Ash would be together for dinner. He still felt pulled apart. But his decision felt right. He wanted to tell Ash the news, but what if it weren’t enough of a declaration for her? What if he didn’t have the ranch to work and on which to craft a future with her?
One worry at a time.
His granddad always said that, only Beck had more than one worry.
Ben Ballantyne came out on the back porch to check the fire he’d built in the outdoor fireplace. They’d rebuilt and expanded the outdoor patio five years ago and had added the stone chimney, which Ash had had the idea to make into a double fireplace so people could be around the patio under cover or under the stars and still have a fire. Everything came back to Ash for him. She was bone-deep. He didn’t know how he’d make a life without her. So many memories. Part of his DNA.
But did she still feel the same? Did she miss him?
“Those steaks about done?” Granddad asked, still poking a little at the roaring fire.
“Getting there.” Beck’s voice creaked like he was fifteen again.
God, everything was just so off. The Montana Rodeo Bride Game had gone too far, pitting him and his cousins against each other in a way they never had. He couldn’t be honest about his feelings and concerns about Ash because it was a competition, and if Ash was done with him, there was one less player on the field. They wouldn’t care that Beck felt destroyed—his future whisked away by his own hesitation that he’d be a screwup at love like his mom. And then there was his greedy desire to best his cousins’ points. He’d always been chasing them, chasing his own glory. And he’d dragged Ash along on his endless quest.
The truth about his part in the breakup sledgehammered him.
Even the family dinner, which should have sparked joy, had become part of the game, with Bodhi and Bowen inviting the women they were “seeing.”
And no one was grieving Ash not being with them. No one but him.
“Looks good.” Granddad joined him at the grill.
“Granddad.” He took the plunge again. “What made you start thinking about selling the ranch? You’ve lived here all your life.”
“Just because I’ve done one thing doesn’t mean I can’t do another.”
“But…” Beck stared at his granddad’s angular profile, and then his gaze dropped down to his hands, still strong, rough, spotted with age. “The ranch is you. It’s your life.” He struggled to put all of his feelings in a coherent sentence.
“My family is my life,” his granddad said kindly. “I’d like to be closer to y’all.”
“But—” He broke off. How would they be close with everyone scattered and no home to gather in?
“Keep your eyes on the steaks,” his granddad said. “Plenty of time for gazing into the future after the Bash
. Even polished my crystal ball for the occasion. Chin up, Beck. You’ll find your path.”
His granddad didn’t need a crystal ball to read his mind. Beck only hoped he was right.
*
Ashni had decided to rent a car to give herself more freedom and flexibility, and as she drove out to the Wilder ranch Wednesday night, her mind reeled. She was thrilled that Sky had texted her and asked her to dinner, because she didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts.
How was it possible to be excited and terrified at the same time?
On Tuesday morning, she’d interviewed for the job at the public health department. This morning, she’d been offered the job and had accepted it. She’d talked to Walker Wilder about renting the studio apartment for a little longer to give herself time to find a new place and settle into her new life.
New life. Something she’d wanted. Only it felt like she was moving crazy fast. Ashni looked at the speedometer as she drove down Highway 89. Yup. Fast. She eased off the gas a little. She was going to need to buy a car. Rent an apartment. No. A small home. She’d make a garden next spring.
What was she doing? She was changing her entire life in a couple of days, and it felt illicit. She’d told no one. Not Beck. Not her parents. Not Reeva. It felt like she’d been in a bubble since Sunday, isolated from everyone and floating up, up, and away. When would it pop?
At least she had Sky to run things by. Once on Wilder land, Ashni drove past the cluster of houses and a large barn and on to a smaller pole barn that served as Sky’s main studio and forge. Sky stood outside the studio. Ashni had toured the studio yesterday, in awe and already she was thinking about how she would have more space now, and she could incorporate art back into her life.
“Hey.” Sky hugged her. “You look wind-blown and radiant. You must have good news.”
“I got it.”
Sky whooped. Danced in a circle and hugged her again. “You’re staying! Fantastic. Is Beck freaking out?”
And Ashni plunged back to earth. “I…ahhh—” she played with a button on her denim jacket “—haven’t told him yet.”
Sky didn’t immediately respond. Ashni liked that about her. She was thoughtful. She gave Ashni time to think things through whereas Beck always jumped into problem solving mode, and her mom looked to cast the blame.
“Well, I’m excited. And definitely not surprised you got it. You’ll be great as a community and school health department liaison. I bet you already are getting ideas for how to change things up.”
Ashni nodded. Not that she knew too much yet about the job, but she had researched what the position entailed and what other counties in Montana were doing before she’d gone for the interview.
“Let’s go to the house and get some iced tea or something a bit stronger if you want before dinner,” Sky said, linking arms with her.
Ashni liked that too. Sky reminded her of Reeva—she was wide open and physically affectionate.
They walked along the birch-tree-lined gravel road back toward the house. Sky looked thoughtful but also pale—more pale than usual.
“You okay?”
“Yes.” Sky flashed a smile that looked a bit rueful. She sighed. “I’ve had some news myself. Good news, but I wouldn’t have minded not having it for another year or so.”
Sky laughed—probably at Ashni’s bewilderment. They arrived at the outdoor living space that the four homes on the ranch shared when they all got together. It was a large patio with a sitting area and a fire pit and then another covered area that had an outdoor kitchen and fridge and several picnic tables. Outdoor lights swooped in several rows along the beams of the covered area and stretched out to connect to large beams of what looked like reclaimed lumber on the opposite of the patio.
The massive grill was heating up, but nothing was on it yet.
“We’re having fish tonight,” Sky said. “A couple of the boys went fishing this morning and were as usual hyper successful. That’s how I knew for certain.”
Ashni’s nose wrinkled in confusion.
Sky laughed again and then she went to the fridge. “Someone went on a beer run.” She pulled out a large container of sun tea. “I made this, this morning. Would you like some tea, or there’s pretty much a convenience store full of other things.” Sky swung the door wide so that Ashni could see the collection of flavored sparkling waters, soda, beer, and several white wines.
“The tea sounds great.”
Everything else sounded awful.
Sky poured two glasses of the tea and sliced a lemon.
“Your class is half done,” Sky commented as she sat down on the opposite side of one of the picnic tables. “Are you still enjoying it?”
“Loving it,” Ashni admitted. “It’s going really smoothly. The kids are really sparking with ideas and collaborating—even helping each other when they run into a problem. And we’ll hit our timeline, which was an initial concern.”
“Fantastic, cheers.” Sky clinked glasses with hers. “Now that you’re going to stay, you can teach another class if you want, either a once-a-week club class or another workshop on one of the breaks.”
“Staying,” Ashni mused. “That sounds so good.”
“Montana and I traveled with Kane off and on for a year when he was doing the American Extreme Bull Riding Tour. I loved exploring the new cities, getting to know the other riders and their families and the tour staff.”
“I loved it too the first couple of years.” Ashni sipped at her tea. “But it just got old and this year I just felt done and worried Beck wouldn’t ever want to quit touring and competing. That was never our plan. He said one year, two tops if he was winning. But it just kept going, and he kept winning. This past year he didn’t even consult me about re-upping. I don’t know what would get him to quit except if his cousins did…or a real bad injury,” she whispered, scared to utter the word.
“Rodeo is not for the faint of heart—not for cowboys or those who love them.”
“I’m trying not to love him.”
“It’s not that easy,” Sky said. “And why would you let go so easily? Give yourself this time to start to build a life and let him realize how much you are a part of his. He can head out without you and get a feel for the road alone.”
That’s what Ashni hoped even though she didn’t want to.
Sky’s voice was warm and soothing, but Ashni wanted to change the subject. She ran her tongue along her upper lip. “Pomegranate tea? Hibiscus?”
“You have an excellent palate.”
“I didn’t used to,” Ashni said. “Lately, it’s like I’m a giant nose.”
Sky, who’d stood up to grab one of the baguettes that was upright with a few other loaves of bread paused, gave her a funny look and then wielded a bread knife and began slicing.
“You never told me your news,” Ashni prompted.
Sky brought over a bowl with sliced baguette and then some butter, knives and a small bowl of olive oil and fig vinegar. She sat down.
“Dinner won’t be for another hour, and I want a snack.” Sky buttered her round of baguette, popped the whole thing in her mouth, and closed her eyes.
“This is about all I’m going to be able to eat soon,” she said eyes still closed as she chewed. “I’m pregnant.”
Ashni blinked. “Congratulations. Right?” she asked after Sky didn’t answer.
“Yes. Definitely. Kane and I want a big family, but I have a couple of big commissions coming up, so we were going to wait a year. I’d actually had an appointment with my ob-gyn to discuss different birth control options and then Monday I had a crazy vivid dream and…”
“Vivid dream?” Ashni parroted, eyes wide as she thought about her Beck dreams over the past couple of restless weeks. Beck. Bright. Loud. Laughing. And out of reach. She’d barely been able to sleep during the two weeks at Reeva’s wedding preparation. Her dreams had been disturbingly loud, weird and colorful and had woken her up repeatedly.
Ashni nibbled on her thumbn
ail.
“And then there’s my enhanced sense of smell. I love coffee, but now it smells awful. And when the boys brought the fish home to clean it, I nearly lost it. That sealed the deal.”
Ashni stood up. No. Not happening. She’d always been imaginative. But this was over the top even for her.
“Maybe you aren’t.”
“After three, I know. I took a test this afternoon. Kane’s over the moon thinking he’s all that. I swear that man is so potent he can knock me up from across a room.”
But Ashni didn’t laugh.
I can’t be.
I’m not.
She pushed the suspicion away.
This would be epically poor timing.
She wasn’t pregnant. Nope. No way. She couldn’t be. She wouldn’t be. But even as she rejected the possibility, she remembered how off she’d felt the entire time of Reeva’s wedding. She hadn’t felt hungry because her stomach had felt uneasy. And most things had smelled or tasted unappealing.
“I can’t be,” she whispered to Sky. “Not now.”
She’d wanted to start a family with Beck for a couple of years.
“We’re broken up.”
She was rebuilding her life. She’d just accepted a new job today.
“When was your last period?”
Yes. Her period. A rush of relief surged through her, which immediately turned to doom.
“Ahhh, it was really light,” she said. “Not much. But I was stressed. Working extra so I could take off time for my cousin’s wedding and then the week in Marietta. And…the Beck issue.” She’d been struggling, wanting something Beck wasn’t ready to give.
Maybe he never would be.
But if she were pregnant…
Ashni crossed her arms tightly over her chest. “This is bad.”
Sky got up and came around the table, sitting beside her. She hugged her and Ashni, who’d been trying so hard to hold herself together this week, hugged her back, tears flowing.
“Is it bad? Didn’t you and Beck ever talk about starting a family?”
“I did. He brushed it off. I think his mom did a number on him. He doesn’t talk about it much, but she married and divorced four times before he left for college.”
The Cowboy Says I Do Page 12