by JD Jones
Chapter Nine
John laid on his back outside. It was warm and the sun was high in the sky. He had found a secluded spot in the woods beyond the Mist and the other campers. It was as close to being alone on his property as he could manage. His intention was to get alone and remember the dream with Rita in it and discover what it all meant. He had decided it was real. But what real was it? Was it real as in it had happened, was going to happen, might happen if things lined up right. He didn't know. Neither did he know whether what he dreamed was part of his thoughts or some other area of his mind.
He didn't want to talk to Marcie or Kathy or Emil about it until he had worked through some of the things that the dream had brought up. Like his feelings for Rita. He didn't like to admit it but his feelings still scared him. Twice he had been hurt by letting his feelings out. First his father's absence and now, Kathy. He was wary of a third time.
He never knew he had such feelings for Rita. Never gave them consideration. After the dream was over and he was wide awake, he had laid still for an hour contemplating why he had driven her away. He never asked himself that question before. He had never thought about actually driving her away before. It had just happened. He wondered if that meant he had some serious issue to figure out. Maybe Kathy dying was more his fault than he was allowing for. After all, he was the one who could see the dark cloud. Maybe he didn't just accidentally put her in harms way. Perhaps some inner demon he had yet to wrestle with was responsible for doing harm to those he loved.
That word scared him. He just lumped Rita in with those he loved. He had never thought of her in those terms before. He was sure of that. The rest of his life might be a mess, but he was sure of what was in his past. It was too desolate to have missed something like loving a fantastic person like Rita. But if not then, why was he suddenly putting her into that category after more than two years of not seeing her? This connecting was unleashing emotions as well as thoughts, apparently.
A dark cloud funneled up around his thoughts and suddenly John was rushing through the middle of a giant swirling mass of darkness and dry heat. He sat up immediately, jerked to full awareness by the speed with which the cloud had enveloped him. Moving quickly over him, it slowed to a swirling motion around him giving him the impression the cloud had found whatever it was looking for in him.
He did not feel an electrical connection like he could with the Mist. This gave him to believe the cloud was not another plane invading his life. Still, it was very disconcerting to have a dark cloud hover over him. Even with all the strange things that had become normal in his life in the last year, this was unnerving.
“Who's there?” John tried the direct approach, not even sure the cloud was connected to anything living.
Silence answered him. Hot, swirling air with dark particles of some unknown composition keeping light from intruding inside. John sat quietly. He had no idea what to do next. He wondered if he should call for Marcie to explain it for him.
He thought about calling Marcie. Nothing happened. Either she was not around or she couldn't hear him. He wondered if the cloud blocked his access to the Mist. He called out for Kathy and then Emil in his mind. Nothing. He was effectively cut off inside this cloud. That thought worried him. Not that the cloud was menacing him in any way. Just that the disconnection from the Mist was uncomfortable. He had become used to it. Almost expecting it to be there. It was his connection with the other side of life, the eternal world beyond. He found he liked that connection more than he had realized. It was comforting. It was necessary to make him feel whole.
Wholeness. That's what he missed about the blockage from the Mist. Marcie, Emil and Kathy were a part of his life. Maybe too much, like Kathy had said. He was still John Corwin without the Mist. He just felt like he was a better John Corwin with the Mist. The Mist didn't create life. It just made it better. Deeper. More assured. He would not forget this lesson, he told himself.
Concentrating on the particles of darkness – he did not know what else to call them – around him, John could see nothing that gave him any better idea of what was happening than when he was first startled by its appearance. He tried to see through it. The darkness, although not complete, was too deep to see through to where light should be shining from the sun. He knew instinctively, somehow, the dark cloud was the same kind of cloud he could see occasionally on the horizon. Seeing the cloud on the horizon meant that trouble was coming. He wondered what the meaning was if he was inside the cloud.
“What were you concentrating on?” Marcie's voice broke through his thoughts.
“Marcie? Where have you been?”
“Takes a little more effort to move through clouds, John. Now, what were you concentrating on just before the cloud moved in?”
“A dream I had. It has bothered me that maybe I should be doing something about it.”
“What you think about when you are trying to connect, is exactly what you will perceive.” Marcie explained.
“So, the dark cloud is the dream?”
“More like something in the dream is the trouble you were perceiving as coming. By thinking specifically about the dream, or maybe someone in the dream, you have moved closer to the trouble.”
“Is the cloud the trouble, or dangerous, or anything.” John asked her in his mind.
“No. The cloud is only a shadow of what you are seeing or perceiving. As you grow more and more capable of dealing with the connection, you will be able to see inside the cloud and actually see the trouble before it comes.”
“That would be helpful.” John admitted.
“Sometimes.”
“Why sometimes.” John was curious.
“If you do not know what the problem or trouble is, you can avoid it sometimes. Just move out of its path. But, if you know what it is, you are required to do something. That is the rule of the cloud plane. You are connected to things in the future, but you are also obligated to handle them.”
“Oh.” John saw her point. “Maybe I shouldn't seek out the trouble.”
“You've already seen it, John. Now it is yours.”
“Oh.” John said again. He thought about Rita calling out to him. Trouble.
“What's her name, John?” Marcie asked.
“Rita.”
“An old friend from the looks of things.”
“Looks?” John asked.
“Yes, John. Where you see in pictures flashed in your mind, we see in moving pictures. It's more like videos of thoughts than words. Her calling out to you for instance, You just heard her call for help. Inside here, from the plane, we see her interjecting her thoughts of rescue and the bond between the two of you that makes such a rescue thought a possibility. More than her words is the picture of her meaning enough to you and you meaning enough to her to bond you in a way where she would expect you to act on her behalf.”
“You see all that?” John was amazed.
“And more, John. Don't be alarmed but your every thought inside the Mist plane is like watching a long movie about how you arrived at that thought.”
“How do you keep track of the conversation if the movie is longer than the words?”
“Time is not the same inside here, John.”
“Oh.”
“Because we have no time constraints, we can go forward or backward in your plane, the way you would view it. To us it is like time slows down for you so that everything that is happening is absorbed by us. You may say that Rita is a friend. We see every thought that flashes through your mind concerning Rita. Instantaneously for us. Seemingly an eternity for you. Like an instant computer download.”
“Sounds complicated.”
“If you tried to come here without transforming, it would be impossible. Your physical body is subject to a strict time continuum. Your mind would not be able to grasp the unlimited positions of movement in what you see as time marching on. We have no such constraint on us in our plane. For us it is a simple fact of how we are designed to operate that allows us to gather more inform
ation.”
“Something to look forward to,” John smiled.
“Some day.” Marcie answered him.
“So, I should continue practicing on making the connection work?”
“It would be a good idea. Just remember, things you see from the cloud planes, whether white or black clouds, are not to be divulged to anyone.”
“Can I talk to you about them?”
“In the spiritual planes they can be discussed openly. Just not in the physical planes. Keep working on it. See where it takes you. But be careful. Some spiritual entities move through the cloud planes. Not everything you see will be in the future. Some of it can touch you immediately.”
“Like what?”
“Like anyone you see moving around in there. Anyone you see can move through the clouds to come to you.”
“Does that mean that I can move to them if I desire?”
“Yes. Be careful, though. Moving there might be easier than moving back, especially if the movement is from a physical plane to a spiritual plane.”
“I can move into a spiritual plane?”
“Yes. But remember. You are physical no matter where you go. Spiritual entities have greater abilities in their plane than they have in yours. So, moving to their plane is not a good idea in most cases.”
“This is more complicated than I imagined.”
“You've not imagined it all yet. Not even close.”
“Phee-ew!” John blew out air physically expressing his frustration at all he still needed to learn. It never ended.
“Also, you can move from place to place in your own plane, John.” Marcie added.
“Really?”
“Yes. Once you have seen a place in the clouds, whether white or black, you can step into it. Or someone there, can step to you. If you are not careful, you can fall into their place, even as you look around in it.”
“Sounds like a treacherous thing to do. Move inside the Clouds.”
“Can be. But mostly, if you stand still and use the cloud for viewing, the clouds will give information.”
“What information will this cloud bring?”
“Depends on how you mine it?”
“Mine it?”
“Right. You can only see what you specifically are looking for.”
“Like what?”
“You might want to know what the trouble is but have to discover it by uncovering who is in there, where they are, or what they are involved in. In other words, the trouble may not necessarily be readily visualized. What you want to see may not be easily viewed. It may come through channels or from areas, or out of unexpected places.”
“You're saying that what I see in the clouds may still be a puzzle that I have to work through?”
“Exactly!” Marcie's tone became excited. “It's a puzzle. That's a great way to explain it.”
“Is the cloud real, or just in my mind?”
“Depends on how you look at it. It's really only in your mind. But, if you project yourself into the cloud, you become really in it. Whatever happens to you in the cloud realm becomes real in your physical life.”
“I see.” John was thoughtful.
“All I can suggest is that you keep practicing. It will come to you as you allow yourself to think out of the box and discover things you could only dream of before.”
“Good things?”
“And bad.” Marcie answered truthfully. “Remember, it's what you do with them that gives them meaning. Knowing a bad thing is going to happen is not a bad thing in itself. It gives you time to stop it or change it or something.”
“Just not get out of its way...” John sighed. He was in deeper than he really was comfortable with.
“It's not about comfort, John. It's about succeeding. The information helps you succeed at your purpose.”
“What's my purpose?”
“Only you and the Creator of Life know that John. Anyone who tries to explain your purpose to you is only suggesting what they see and hear from their own purpose. They might be linked. They might be miles apart. Point is, only you know.”
“Will I discover my purpose in the cloud visions?”
“Purpose is more than one success or one journey, John. Purpose is a string of opportunities to succeed. A person's purpose is to approach those opportunities and succeed at them according to their own value objectives.”
“That's why no one can know my purpose except me?” John was seeing her point.
“Exactly. Too many variables for mixing the situation with all the factors. Then we add a person and their character and all their baggage and their needs. Well, you get the picture.” Marcie ended her explanation.
“I think I see it better now.” John admitted. He felt better. Not with what he knew but that he had added to his knowledge. That was growth he could measure. This spiritual stuff was sometimes unmeasurable. Like a relationship.
“You'll get it, John.”
Paul was furious. He had lost it. The more he tried to be nice to Rita the more she pushed him away. Why could she not see what he was doing for them? He had changed, sure. But for the better. Everyone said so. Everyone except her. Why was she being so negative? Why was she trying to keep him down?
That was it. It came to him in a flash. She had married him because he was not her father. She could never control her father's coming and going. She had told him that many times. She had married him because she thought she could control him.
The thoughts flew through his mind. With every flash of memory, every recalled instance of her decision making, Paul saw the pattern. She had been running his life and saying she loved him. Now she was not running his life and she had stopped loving him. She didn't love him. She loved some idea of the puppet she had made him into.
Paul ground his teeth as he sat in his office waiting on his next meeting. She had helped satisfy his physical urge but she did nothing for that spiritual desire he felt lurking at the back of his mind. It was like a shadow waiting there and watching, hoping to find what it needed in the next thing he did. And Paul knew what it was hoping to find. More blood. More life force energy to share. The shadow wanted to kill. Not just kill but control and dominate and torture. He knew that the next time would not be as clean and neat as the last one. And there would be a next time.
Rita woke on the floor of her bedroom. She ached in places she had no idea a woman could ache. Not a good ache either. The discomfort she felt physically was compounded by the pain she felt emotionally. Paul had snapped. Her gentle, loving man had lost his mind and done the very thing she had never expected from him. He had become the animal she had spent so much time trying to avoid.
She laid still, listening to the noises of the house. She was sure she was alone. Not only was Paul done with her, but she felt he had no more use for her either. Except as an object of his own sexual release. And she had no desire to be used in that manner ever again.
Once she had been very aware of these feelings. She had thought they were far behind her when she married Paul. But here they were again, stronger than ever. The self loathing and embarrassment left a familiar taste in her mouth. Like it had never left, the flavor of her life flooded back through her senses as she laid there on the floor trying to figure out what had gone wrong.
First her father, now Paul. Maybe she was destined for a life of abuse. That was the thought that dominated her mind. The foggy residue of her attack and the numbness of the realization of what she had endured made sharp focus and clear pathways of delineation impossible to discern. Everything seemed joined like one big conspiracy to force her life into the exact place where she now was.
For years she had resented her father for his absences from home and a business focus that kept him away from family things. The rare times when he was home carried dark memories of fearful moments while he took out his aggressions and frustrations on her. That's what had scared her so much about Paul's attack. Not the attack itself, but the old memories it dredged up. He father had never
left a mark that anyone else could see, she knew she was scarred emotionally. Until now, she had assumed she was dealing with it well. She had even taken to visiting with her parents since the wedding and trying to pretend all those incidents had never happened. She loved her parents. She loved Paul. Why did those she loved treat her so badly?
Now those old feelings came flooding back with all their viciousness and anger as she recalled Paul's attack. Two men. Same result. Not for the first time in her life, Rita wondered if something in her make up or disposition drew such men to her. Or worse, maybe she was the cause of their anger and frustrations. Her father had always apologized later for his actions and even rewarded her with things and other stuff she wanted growing up. She had told herself that the embarrassment and shame she felt as a child was okay because she had learned to deal with it and even profit from it in some ways. It made her stronger as well as giving her power over her father in some ways. Not that she ever used it. She just talked herself into the idea that it was there.
But Paul's attack had been more of a promise. Not just anger and frustrations being released. More of a harbinger of things to come. His attack left her with the definite idea that someday it would not end so easily. She had felt that desire in him to finish her off for good. She had succumbed to his anger and violence only after realizing that he intended to see her dead. She could sense it in his every breath. His heart was murderous and killing her would have been easy. She had no idea what caused him to stop short of killing her this time. She also had no doubt that one day he would finish the job.
The haze in her brain made trying to wrap her mind around this change in her situation tiring. She didn't move. It was not just the pain in her body that kept her immobile. Her head felt funny. Like someone was swishing the water around in circles in a fish bowl. She stayed still on the floor. Part of her wanted to get up and run before Paul came back and finished the job. Another part of her wanted to just lay there and get it over with. It was not worth it. Her all-business father had abused her. Now, her formerly gentle and tender husband had discovered some hidden desire to abuse her from deep within himself. She knew it was cliché, but she said it to herself anyway. Life sucks.
With a new revelation, she remembered the first guy she had ever tried to love after getting over her father's attacks. He had pushed her away. Maybe he could sense the poison flowing through her veins. Maybe he could sense what men were supposed to do her and he didn't want any part of it. Maybe she was poison. Maybe she was the problem.
Tears flooded her eyes and streamed down her face. Rita forced her face into the crook of her arm as she laid on the floor, wailing her misery for no one to hear. The darkness falling upon the earth outside her bedroom window was not near as dark as the darkness that came in the shape of sleep and pulled her back away from the pain of her life as she had come to know it. Dark mercy.
John fitfully lounged in his chair inside the camper. He had enjoyed many hours of sitting there and relaxing while building his campground but now it was a reminder of those different days. Not better. Not worse. Just different.
He had been naive or ignorant or something. Whatever it was called, he had been blissfully unaware of the nature or depth of the spiritual world around him. Brought up in the church with a preacher father, John had come to believe he had seen it all and experienced everything associated with the spiritual life. Nothing had been further from the truth. The church had been a shelter more than a school. A solid door that no one had a key to.
What he knew today about the spiritual workings around him changed everything he had ever thought about life. His relationships, his choices, his ideas of success and careers and everything associated with the idea of the good life were now in flux. He struggled with adapting his mindset of what he used to believe was true to what he now knew to be true. It was like walking though life under water. Every day went by in slow motion. At some moments he felt like he was living his own life from the outside, watching himself go through the motions.
And this cloud thing was more than just a little disconcerting. Seeing into the future was exciting in one respect, fearful in another. John had always felt responsible for things going on around him. That was probably why he resented his father being gone so often. He felt like he had somehow pushed the man away. Or at least not given him a reason to come and stay around. Now, he was stepping into obligations of dealing with future things he could see and piece together from the cloud. He was more than a little uncomfortable with that. And right from the outset, he was somehow being made responsible for something that was coming against Rita, a girl from his past who had never really meant anything to him but somehow had left an indelible mark on his heart.
Confusion would have been nice to claim at the moment. John thought about it but knew he would never choose to ignore something that was his obligation. He didn't have that capacity. He liked being responsible. That was the truth. But this new responsibility worried him for many reasons. One, how was he going to get back into Rita's life and deal with whatever it was? Was he supposed to? He had pushed her away. He had severed the relationship and then made sure she was firmly attached to another guy. Two, what could he do about whatever it was anyway? He only knew she was in danger. He had no idea what to do about it. Marcie had said he would have to put the puzzle together. Obligation to help and a puzzle. His life really had gotten complicated. Worse, the only ones he could confide in were in another plane of existence that somehow did not fulfill the physical nature of his body's requirements. Great! Easy! Impossible!
With a loud expulsion of air, John leaned back into the comfort of his chair and closed his eyes. Lately he had been dreaming more about escaping all this madness and joining Kathy in the next plane of existence. But she and Marcie and Emil had made it abundantly clear that he needed to concentrate more on living and succeeding in the human plane than wishing for transportation to another plane. Everyone had to live the life allotted to him or her in the manner designed for them. Some would live short lives. Others long one's. What was sure, was that no human chose their length of stay in the human plane. That was a decision only the Creator of Life could make.
That thought always brought him up short. Had Kathy been designed to live her life in such a fashion as to leave him mourning and alone? Was he destined to stay alone? Kathy didn't seem to think so. Sometimes he wanted it to be that way. Other times he missed her so much that the pain in his chest threatened to rip him apart and leave him a shattered, empty shell lying on the ground. Complicated. That was his life now. Decisions. That's what he needed. Going on was painful in its respects. Staying where he was was painful, too. Life. Pain. They seemed joined at the hip in his life.
To whom much is given, from him much will be required. That was the scripture his father had used to rein him in as a child growing up. The meaning was clear. Because he knew more about what was happening spiritually around people, he was the one who should do the most and give the most. He hated it then. It made him an outcast, never quite in the group like the others. Always an outsider.
He had thought those days were over when he struck out on his own. A new life. A new master. Himself. It seemed that now he was more entrenched in it than ever before. Maybe all that training as a child was to get him to this place today. If Kathy, Marcie and Emil were to be believed, nothing ever happens without a purpose and a meaning. It was uncomfortable to believe that his purpose was to help others all the time. Who was going to help him?
“I will.” Marcie was back.
“Great!” John smiled in his head. “Then you can help me get out of this.”
“Sorry, John. You walked into it with full knowledge of what you were doing. No one ever coerced you or took advantage of you in any way. You did what you did out of love and need. I suggest you find a way to continue in that respect. That way stuff will make more sense to you.”
“Sure. Sounds easy to hear you say it.”
“Glad to help.” Marcie
was smirking. He couldn't see her but he knew she was smirking. Connection.
“I see you're getting more at ease with the connections.”
“Connections? Plural. I was under the impression it was one connection, like to the universe or something.” John explained his understanding.
“Actually, when you get to the spiritual planes, it is one connection through the Creator of Life. Everything is connected through him. But in the physical planes, everything is free standing, sort of. Connected to each other but then again, not connected. Separate but not separate. You can make decisions and they sometimes impact others and the things around you in a way you can see. Other times, it may seem as though you are the only one affected. In the spiritual planes everything we do is visible in its affect on everything around us even before we actually make the decision, helping us make better decisions and stay on the same page as the Creator of Life.”
“You can see the affect of your decisions before you make them?”
“Yes. It's a fail safe method of understanding the repercussions of our choices so we make better decisions.”
“Some times, I wish I had that in this plane.”
“Develop your connections and you will to some extent. Not fully aware of all impacts, but definitely aware in some respects.”
“Really?” John added her revelation to the already insurmountable knowledge he was carrying around in his head.
“Yes, really. But that's not what I came to tell you, John.”
“What?”
“You are trying too hard. Stop trying to force things. Just live and love and let the connections flow to you. As you develop your ability to understand what is flowing to you, you will develop a greater ability to reach out beyond the immediate and discover the things of the cloud and the puzzles they present.”
“Stop forcing it?”
“Yes. Just concentrate on what is right at hand, what you already know and understand. Then, the connections, which you already have, will be allowed to flow through and add to what you know.”
“Oh, I see.” At least John thought he did. He was very aware that lately he had been privy to information that he could not only not see but could only understand if he took its affect on total faith.
“You're getting there, John. You're getting there. Just don't lose heart. It really is designed to work out for you.”
“How do you know that?”
“Life is designed to work out for everyone. In the physical plane, the plan works according to good choices and proper decision making skills. In the spiritual planes, it works based on similar choices but with considerably more emphasis on the repercussions. There are immediate results of our choices in the spiritual planes making it necessary to know the affect before we make a decision. In the physical planes, the results are hidden and part of discovering the wonders of life, so knowing a result ahead of time is not as important. For you, relationships are more important than results. Connections”
“Seems like it would be simpler to just know ahead of time and make the right call.”
“Sometimes. Sometimes it just raises the pressure to do what's right instead of what you feel like doing. In the physical world you can always ask for forgiveness and say you're sorry. In the spiritual planes forgiveness or saying we're sorry is not necessary. If we made a bad choice, it was because we wanted to. The relationships are all open and already discovered. Clear and easy but not as romantic or mysterious. The physical plane is all about revealing or uncovering the spiritual planes. That's the joy of growth and progression. The ultimate reward is being made known as you are already known. But after that, it's all the same every second, if seconds were something to be concerned with here.”
“You saying that spiritual life is boring?”
“Not really. Just different. What excites you there, in your physical world will change when you get here and things are revealed in their totality. There are many new joys and treasures to discover here, but it's more like exploring the universe than learning new things about yourself or someone else.”
“Oh.” John felt he should acknowledge her explanation somehow.
“Anyway,” Marcie began. “Relax and enjoy the ride. Take in all you can and ask for help when you need to. Don't take the weight of the world on your shoulders. That weight belongs to the Creator of Life. Live life and make it as full as you can. Use the spiritual things you learn to add to the flavor of your life, not to be the focus of your life.”
“You're saying I should live my physical life and enjoy the spiritual knowledge I have rather than wrap my life around the spiritual things?”
“Exactly!” Marcie got excited again. “I told Kathy you would understand.”
“She didn't think I would understand?”
“She believed you would be too focused on understanding everything before you let go of it.”
“Well, yeah, I guess that would be my first inclination.”
“Right. But it shouldn't be. Live. Enjoy.” Marcie said it like she was advertising for some life skills method.
“Okay. Okay. I'll learn to live more fully.” John promised.
“We're going to hold you to that, John.”