“Hmm,” I said, thinking upon her words and finding a pearl of wisdom in them. A wisdom that I too believed.
“But tell me, do you like it?”
“It’s delicious,” I answered, my plate clean and nothing remained but well-picked bones. My stomach was pleasantly full, and I leaned back, satisfied.
“I am glad that you ate well because your training starts today. I wanted to make sure that you have plenty of strength to start your learning.” Grandmother said. I nodded, thinking over her words and wondering what lay ahead of me. “We will walk to the oak groves once we have cleaned up and met the others.”
Grandmother consumed the remainder of her meal slowly and for that, I was grateful. The closer it came to leave, the more apprehensive I became, despite her earlier declarations that I would be safe and well prepared. When she was finished, Grandmother motioned me to the bowl of water she kept near the door. Once we emptied the remnants of our plates into the earth, we washed our dishes, dried them and put them away for later use. Grandmother thanked the Goddess for blessing us with our nourishment. From there, she took my hand and led me down the trail that we had walked upon the night before.
When we approached where the path forked, she surprised me by going straight into the new growth of grass, instead of turning down either side of the trail. We headed into a thicket of trees and walked in silence until we came to a large clearing where a perfect circle of ancient oak trees stood around an olden stone ring.
“This is where your journey as the Huntress will begin.” She explained as she drew me into protective ring beside her. “This charred spot is where the Great Bonfires are started. It is here where we will light the First Flame, and where the torch that lights the bonfire at the Ancient Circle is first lit. One of our acolytes hands the torch off to someone from the Main Island who takes it back and sets the offering pile ablaze. During the Rites, this is where we dance, recite the ceremonial songs, and from here you will make your way to the First Dwelling in the heart of the Sacred Grove. It is there where you will be joined by your Hunter. Your union is the greatest sacrament that we can offer the Goddess and if it is successful, she will bless us with great prosperity by giving you a child.” I was speechless, but my grandmother calmed my growing nerves by tenderly placing a hand upon my stomach. I knew that the sacrifice required a coupling but to hear it said out loud overwhelmed me, leaving my skin seared from where it flushed. The urge to run tugged at me again but my grandmother’s voice swept away the anxiety. “I can see that this troubles you.” She gripped my hand again. “I swear to you that it is not as daunting as it seems. If you welcome it, your body will enjoy it. We will teach you everything. That is our purpose here. We watch over you through your training, we impart our knowledge to you, and care for you from the first phase of the Rites to the last. And, if you are lucky enough to bear a child, we will support you through your labor and see your babe safely born.” She patted my hand in a reassuring manner. “Just remember your strength when moments of apprehension threaten to overwhelm you, granddaughter. Hold fast to that great strength that resides inside of you. That is why the Goddess chose you instead of Ravene.”
There in that grove, I stood pensively while Grandmother explained the first part of the training. A cleansing ritual was the first task that I would undergo. The cleansing ritual wasn't just to wash my body but to purify my spirit, to calm my mind, and to ease in learning the rituals and the spells. I was to bathe in these waters daily, she told me with full conviction. It had to be done if I was to continue on to the second phase of my education.
“This is the first thing that you are to do each morning, just as the sun is coming up over the horizon. You are not to partake of food until after your bath.” Grandmother instructed. “But first, you must meet the others. Once introductions are made, you can return to cleanse yourself.”
************
My grandmother escorted me to where the other priestesses lived. As we stepped foot into their village, I was taken aback. On the Main Island, women wore gowns, similar to elongated tunics with woolen belts tied at their waists. Here, the women wore stolas, long gowns drawn in at the waist with a braided cord and connected at the shoulders with bone clasps. Over their stolas, they wore thin, woolen shawls meant to protect their skin from the harsher elements. Back home, we wore our hair loose or tied back in binds, seldom was it braided. The women here wore their hair in intricate plaited designs that I found extremely beautiful. The only one who did not wear her hair braided was my Grandmother. Hers hung loose like mine.
The Acolytes, or so they were called, were pleasant and welcoming. I met each one eagerly, liking most of them. One Acolyte, a small, slender girl named Ibira, became my favorite. The band of sisters greeted me as if I were one of their own. Only one though set my hair on edge and created a deep sense of foreboding in my stomach. The tall, red-haired, curvy Acolyte called Tilme had the same smell as Cal. When we were first introduced, I had to hold my breath, unable to tolerate the pungent, heavy stench that assaulted my nostrils. Through the remainder of the introductions, I kept my distance lest I be attacked once more.
Once Grandmother was satisfied with my acquaintance with her assistants, the group of women escorted me to a small pond situated close to the outer edge of the island, not far from the Acolytes living quarters. The women around me called this place The Blessed Pool. A serene aura emanated from the silent waters. The air was crisply cool and delicately scented with aquatic plants. White-blossomed reeds grew along the edge of the shoreline, peeking out in between the tall grasses that grew thick along the waters’ edge. The priestesses undressed me, took the clothes, and left me standing naked. The water lapped up and tickled the tips of my toes as they encircled in a half-moon formation around me, praying to the Goddess, reciting the incantations that signaled the start of the Rites Ceremony training. Uncomfortable and desperate to cover my sudden exposure, I found it all very strange and confusing.
Was this how each initiate felt or was it just me?
In that moment, surrounded by all these women, I was unprotected. No living person, save for Ravene and Aunt Leena, had seen me fully naked. Standing there, completely bare and visible to the world left me at a disadvantage. I was uneasy and soon those gathered around me started to sense it.
“The Cleansing Ritual is performed alone,” Grandmother stepped forward from the shadows and I turned to see her face. “You will step into the water and remain there. Take as much time as you wish to wash and meditate. Stay there until you feel that all of the burdens you carry have gone.” With a flick of her hands, all the acolytes broke from their circle and scattered back off towards their home. Grandmother came forward, kissed my forehead, and urged me to go further into the water.
“How will I know when I’m done?” I asked her naively. I had no idea what to expect of what it meant like to be ‘cleansed?’ The idea of having to decide or to expect a feeling that I didn’t recognize left me even more apprehensive than I was before.
“You will know when you know,” She said simply. “The knowledge will come to you. It will settle over you and there will be a distinct, irrefutable understanding. Trust in yourself, Yvaine. Just remember that all the women that have come before you have felt the same way. Uncertainty and anxiousness are a part of the process. You must learn to trust yourself in all things.” Her words struck to the very heart of me. How this woman possessed the ability to see into my soul awed me. “By the end of the training, you will own the confidence and the bearing that is required of the Huntress.” She kissed my forehead a second time. She gingerly touched my chin before turning her back and disappearing into the shadows from where she came.
************
I waited until Grandmother was completely gone before I ventured deeper into the water. Its coolness slid up over my legs until I was waist deep. My hands roamed the water’s surface, gently touching its liquid chill, leaving ripples behind where my fingertips dared to touch. Of
f in the distance, I heard the honking of the waterfowl that lived across the islands and built their nests in the trees close to the shores. The scent of the water plants grew stronger as I moved further out, going deeper into my bath. The stems that lived beneath the surface tickled my legs and feet as I ventured forward. A soft, breeze blew against my exposed skin and it broke out in a rash of gooseflesh.
What am I supposed to feel? What else do I need to do other than bathe my body? How did these waters ‘cleanse’ something that wasn’t a physical, tangible part of me?
So many questions raced through my mind and I desperately wished for someone to give me the answer. Grandmother told me that this was something that I had to do on my own. That both my body and my spirit were to be purified and that no one else could do it for me. Frustrated, I slapped the surface of the water creating a large splash that struck my face. I flinched as the spray hit my eyes and ran down my cheeks. Then the oddest thing happened. The frustration that I wore so heavily shattered like crockery smashing on the floor. I laughed for the first time in months. Giggling, I splashed the water again, flinching as the spray struck me a second time. Over and over I slapped the surface, chuckling harder with each wave that rose up. My frolicking and playfulness reminded me of my childhood before the worries, before the stress, back to the days when life was carefree. My laughter echoed through this hallowed place. The trees sighed sensing my joy. Waterfowl settled upon the waters around me and swam close by unbothered by my frolicking. During that time, I was liberated from the constraints of my job, free from the duty looming before me, finally free to be the person that I was.
How long had it been since I could truly say that I was living freely, unencumbered, free from any type of demand? In truth, I couldn’t remember. That didn’t mean that I regretted any of what I had done. I loved my healing work. It was my escape. Seeing relief on the countless faces was worth every bit of the pressure that my skills placed on me. I did not realize, though, that it had usurped every minute of my day, consuming every moment of my life and robbing me of any chance to just simply live in the world around me.
Reena’s face suddenly appeared before my eyes. Her voice came like a ghost speaking in my ear. First were the low-voiced whispers. Whispers that swiftly turned to commands. Orders to obey. Directives to present a perfect face to society. To do as I was told. To not ask questions and to be a representation of her greatness as a mother. I was to obey without question, and I was to not embarrass her. If I did, she would see me suffer for it.
As the water lapped against my skin, I struggled internally. Why did my own mother treat me so cruelly and so harshly? What was it that made me less worthy of her appreciation and affection? Why couldn’t she accept the fact that I was not built in the same way that she and Ravene were? I was never going to be High Priestess. If it was ever offered to me, I would refuse. My being was not made to live such a demanding and socially centric life. The mere idea made me uneasy and nervous. And how dare she have the audacity to call herself a good mother? In truth, Reena was terrible to me. Her concerns were only of herself, the opinion of our society, and Ravene. Even her twin sister wasn’t on her list of priorities. What was so lacking that it denied us the bond that other mothers and daughters shared?
Aunt Leena herself had given me the answer. Their mother, Raenna, had been cold and distant, too. Reena had raised her successor in her own image. Raenna created a copy of herself. A woman who saw emotion as an article of trade to be spent on only those deserving of it. Unfortunately, I was not a worthy commodity. Relieved, I thanked the Goddess that Ravene had not inherited Reena’s ice and heartlessness. My sister was a being of intense feelings, compassion, and despite her anger at me, her love was limitless. My sister was twice the woman that our mother was. Ravene wasn’t a frozen untouchable being. Ravene was tangibly human and remarkable. One that I loved beyond all measure and hoped that one day, would be able to look beyond all that had happened. That she could see that none of this was of my doing.
I saw for the very first time that the lack of closeness I had with my mother was not my fault. That despite her near-constant rejection, I kept trying, even though I knew it resulted in failure. If I was to come to grips with mother’s refusal to love me, I had to rise above it. I had to find worthiness within myself rather than through Reena’s favor. That despite what I had believed all along, I was an individual, not just the High Priestess’ daughter. An intelligent, capable young woman of great skill with a future all my own.
It was only when I fully understood the reason for the cleansing that I swam to the shore and walked out of the water. To be truly happy, I had to find a healthy balance. I had to value myself for my own worth. Not just that, I had to find a balance between my calling and time for me alone. I needed to see that I was Yvaine. Yvaine the healer. Yvaine the sister, the niece, and friend. Yvaine who had saved her community from tragedy. Yvaine the next Huntress of the Spring Rites. The young woman who was far much more than Reena’s daughter. If I continued on this current path, I would never be able to step out from under Reena’s shadow. Feeling renewed, I left my resentment, anger, and heartbreak behind. As I strolled up the bank, my shoulders released their tension and a knowing settled within me. My cleansing was done for the day. The first step on my path to the final part of the Rites was done. With a satisfied smile, I quickly dressed and left the serene pool behind until I returned the following day.
************
I went to bed drained but liberated. The inner clarity that came to me at the pool freed me to recognize the face of the thief that was stealing my energy. Mine. In truth, I was no longer the girl who came across the water just a day before. I was someone else entirely.
Relaxed and content in what I had accomplished, I cherished the time spent with Leanan. My grandmother again filled the evening telling me stories of my father. Listening to her took me on an emotional journey and it was as if I had never missed a day with him. Grandmother’s love for her son was limitless, and that love spilled over onto me. I was her only grandchild, after all, and the only family that she had left. Having her in my life, placed in such an important role, showed me a value within myself that I didn’t know existed.
“Thank you for today, Grandmother,” I whispered in the darkness. I was grateful for her memories because my father’s death had come when I was just three and I possessed none to call my own. “Can I ask you one more question before we go to sleep? Something that I haven’t thought to ask until now.” I paused momentarily as I drew in a steadying breath. “What was my father’s name?” I was apprehensive in asking, even though there was no logical reason for it. Grandmother let out a long, apologetic sigh.
“I should have told you last night,” She spoke to me in her low, soothing voice. “Your father’s name was Yvan. From the time Yvan learned that your mother was pregnant, he had hoped for a girl. When you were born, and he held you for the first time, he demanded that you be named Yvaine. He wanted to name you after himself.”
I could not find the words to answer her. A large lump formed in my throat that left me unable to speak. My father’s first gift had been the sharing of his name. I couldn’t help but smile as tears rolled down the sides of my face, wetting my hair that lay spread out on my pillow. I fell asleep that night thinking of him and grateful for the woman across the room whose memories had become mine.
************
Grandmother and the Acolytes trained me to the best of their ability. They worked tirelessly to hone their knowledge into my mind so that I would not fail at my task. Every day they pounded the lessons into me, never relenting until they were satisfied. I learned a lot from my training. The greatest part of my training came just two days before the rituals were to take place.
My grandmother left me alone, giving me ample time to sleep. The sun was well over the horizon when my eyes first opened, and I stretched out fully. I dressed quickly intending to go to my daily bath. I went outside, expecting to find her s
itting at the fire, cooking our morning meal. Instead, I found a cold fire pit and a vacant stump. Curious, I called out for her and but received no answer. I took the trail towards where the Acolyte’s village but again, came up empty-handed. Confused and suddenly worried, I headed back but traveled down the path that led to the shoreline. Maybe she was catching fish for dinner or collecting the zesty, tender green shoots that we both loved. When I crested over the dune, I found one of the boatmen waiting, standing alongside my grandmother.
“Good morning, my love,” Grandmother greeted me as she stretched her arms out. I walked willingly into her open arms and embraced her, basking in the warm love that radiated within. “Today is the final step of your training,” She pressed her nose momentarily to mine and took both of my hands in hers. A rush of wind blew in from off the lake, carrying the scent of the water and the lingering smoky smell of a fire burning somewhere off in the distance. “This part of the training is reserved for only a select few. Your mother forbade me from teaching you this step, but I believe that it is something that you must know. I have seen glimpses of your future. Do you remember when I promised to teach you everything that you needed to know?”
I nodded in acknowledgment. “What are you going to teach me?” I asked, positive that like everything else, she wouldn’t tell me, and I would have to wait until I was there to know.
“I am going to teach you how to master the Misty Veil,” Her face, though serious and calm, was radiant with pride. She spoke a few words to the boatman and motioned for me to climb inside. Once in, I extended a hand to help her climb in. The boatman did the same. When we were all seated, he cast off and with one strong, confident push, the boat lurched forward, slicing its way across the glass-topped waters as ripples cascaded out behind us.
“Why did my mother forbid you to teach me?” I asked, wanting to know what my mother’s motives were. I sensed that my grandmother was keeping something from me. A quick vision of my mother sitting, staring into the flames of our hearth back home flashed through my mind.
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