‘Doonbeg!’ Her mother tutted. ‘I don’t like the sound of that at all.’ She sighed heavily. ‘So when are you going to bring him around so we can all have a look at him?’
‘There’s a photo on Facebook. Get Katrina to show you if you’re so keen to have a look at him.’
‘I wouldn’t have to ask Katrina to show me if you’d just accept my friend request. What kind of person refuses a friend request from her own mother?’
‘No one wants to be friends with their parents on Facebook, Mam.’
‘Sheila Ryan is friends with all her children on Facebook.’ Another martyred sigh. ‘Anyway, I’m not talking about a photo. Bring him around for tea, so we can meet him properly.’
‘Okay, but you’ll all have to be on your best behaviour. I don’t want to scare him off.’ She hoped the prospect of Lesley letting another man ‘slip through her fingers’ would get her mother to back off.
‘It’s just tea, for feck’s sake – a few sandwiches and a bit of cake. What type of eejit would be scared off by that? I’ll get a Black Forest gateau. We haven’t had that in a while.’
Lesley knew when she was beaten; she couldn’t resist Black Forest gateau. ‘I suppose it would be kind of nice.’
‘That’s settled, then. Bring him to tea and we’ll all give you our opinion on him.’
‘Great. Thanks, Mam.’
‘No bother, love. Sure, what’s a mother for?’
If only you knew, Lesley thought.
‘I might even make a few scones.’
‘Okay. But I’d better warn you now, he’ll probably call them “scons”.’
There was a moment’s silence.
‘Is he English, then?’ her mother asked warily.
‘He is.’
‘Well, we’ll keep an open mind,’ her mother said gamely. ‘I mean, you are thirty.’
‘Great, you’re here!’ Al said, rubbing his hands when she returned to the kitchen. ‘Ready to get started on this lot?’ He gestured to the newly scrubbed table, now covered in a colourful array of fresh vegetables – shiny, dark-purple aubergines, bright red and yellow peppers, deep-green broccoli and spinach, and bundles of fragrant herbs.
‘Um ... I’ve only just had breakfast – it’s a bit early for lunch.’
‘It’s not for you. It’s for Jane – to keep her going when we’re gone.’
‘All this? She’ll never get through it all before it goes off.’
‘Oh, she won’t have to. Anyway, I wouldn’t trust her not to let it all rot and go on living on beans straight out of the can. So we’re going to cook meals and fill up her freezer before we go.’
‘Wow!’ Lesley looked around dazedly. ‘I feel like I’m in a fairy tale.’
‘Oh!’ Al looked surprised but pleased. ‘Really?’
‘Yeah, you know one of those stories where some poor unfortunate girl is held captive by an ogre and forced to spin her weight in gold.’
‘Oh.’ Al’s face fell.
‘Or like Cinderella, having to stay home and peel mountains of vegetables while everyone else goes to the ball.’
‘Sorry,’ Al said. ‘I just worry about Jane. She doesn’t look after herself when she’s close to a deadline. She forgets to eat sometimes. And she needs to get her book finished so she can come to Nice.’
‘So this is my mini-break – cooking and cleaning for your aunt?’ Lesley said indignantly, but more because she felt she should make some token protest. She couldn’t really be angry with Al for being so kind to his aunt. It was touching that he wanted to take care of her.
He sighed, putting his head to the side and looking at her. ‘Sorry. I’m not giving a very good account of myself as your boyfriend, am I?’
Lesley smiled at him. ‘I’ve had worse,’ she said.
‘Really?’ He grimaced. ‘Blimey!’
‘Yeah, the bar isn’t set very high, to be honest. But I could get in a real strop about this, you know, if I wanted to. Just FYI.’ She didn’t want him to get complacent, just because she was being a good sport about it.
‘I know. You’d be perfectly entitled.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘If you’d like to have one now, you could squeeze it in before we start.’
‘Nah, it’s okay. Luckily for you I’m not that sort of girlfriend.’
See, I knew you were the one for me!’ he said with a happy grin.
He hasn’t abducted you, then? Romy texted Lesley later that night. I don’t need to contact the police?
No, the constabulary can rest easy in their beds.
She’d kept in touch with Romy throughout the day on WhatsApp, filling her in on where she was and what they were doing.
Though I could have him up for forced labour, I suppose, she typed.
But it was all part of the mission to get Jane to France and oust Stella, so she couldn’t really complain. Besides, the truth was she’d enjoyed cooking with Al, chatting companionably as they’d worked.
It turned out he was a very good cook, and as her signature dish was a bog-standard spag bol, she was happy to act as his sous chef and let him boss her around a bit. He had proper knife skills, and he’d shown her a great trick for dicing onions. After they’d filled up Jane’s freezer with healthy meals, he’d made a fiercely hot Thai green curry for dinner, after establishing that that was how all three of them liked it, and he’d even baked a cake for dessert. She was beginning to suspect Al was the nicest boyfriend she’d ever had. It was just a pity he wasn’t for real.
Still, as far as her family were concerned, he was. At least he’d get her mother off her back for a while.
15
‘I hope they like me,’ Al said as they drove to her parents’ house the following Saturday. ‘The new boyfriend.’
She glanced across at him. ‘Lead with being an architect – Mam will be impressed by that. But she’s not fussy really, not now I’m thirty. She’s afraid I’ve been left on the shelf, so as long as I’ve got a man, she’s happy.’
‘What about your dad?’
‘He’s married to Mam, so he’s taken. She wants me to have a man of my very own.’
Al laughed. ‘You know what I mean.’
‘Yeah, he won’t like you.’
‘What?’
‘It’s nothing personal,’ she said. ‘He just doesn’t think anyone’s good enough for me.’
Al smiled. ‘I bet I can win him round.’
Lesley raised her eyebrows sceptically. ‘Knock yourself out. But I’m telling you now you’ll be wasting your time.’
‘Lesley!’ Her mother threw open the door and ushered them inside. ‘And you must be Al,’ she smiled, extending a hand to him. ‘I’m Miriam.’
‘It’s a pleasure to meet you,’ Al said as they shook hands.
She beamed at him, and Lesley could tell by the way her eyes lit up that she was already impressed. ‘Well, your father will be happy to see you,’ she said to Lesley as she led the way down the hall. ‘He could do with cheering up.’
‘Oh? What’s wrong?’
‘Ah, he’s just a bit down because no one liked his breakfast on Instagram.’
‘Oh, right.’
‘Lesley!’ Her father was sitting at the kitchen table, fiddling with his phone. ‘You’re a sight for sore eyes.’
‘Hi, Dad.’ She introduced him to Al and they all sat.
‘Katrina’s just taking Skipper for a walk,’ her mother said. ‘She’ll be back shortly.’
‘So, Mam says you’re having problems with Instagram,’ Lesley said, nodding to her father’s phone. ‘No one liked your breakfast?’
‘Ah, now! That’s a bit of an exaggeration.’ He scowled at his wife. ‘It wasn’t no one.’
‘What did you have?’
‘Scrambled egg,’ he said, handing Lesley his phone, ‘with granary toast.’
‘Nice picture,’ she said, looking down at the screen.
‘I even put a bit of parsley on the plate for a splash of colour.’
�
�So I see. Good effort.’
‘The presentation is excellent,’ Al said, looking over her shoulder.
‘But you’re not using any hashtags, Dad. I’ve told you before, Instagram is all about the hashtags. Here, I’ll put in a few to get you going.’ She went in to edit the photo and added all the food-related hashtags she could think of. ‘There.’ She handed the phone back to her father. ‘See how you get on with that.’
‘There’s Katrina back now,’ Miriam said as they heard the front door open and close. ‘We’ll just give her a minute to get Skipper sorted out, and then we’ll go through to the dining room.’
Lesley felt Al looking at them curiously as they all sat listening to shuffling sounds in the hall before her mother decided they’d given Katrina enough time to get the dog stashed away safely. But when she opened the kitchen door, Skipper was still there in the hall with Katrina. At least he was still on his leash, but Lesley couldn’t help wondering if her sister had done it on purpose to sabotage Al.
‘Katrina, we thought you’d have him locked in the other room by now,’ her mother said, nodding at the dog. ‘We’ve got company.’
‘Oh, no need for that,’ Al said cheerfully, striding forward in that over-confident way of his before Lesley could stop him. ‘I love dogs. Hi, I’m Al,’ he said, holding out a hand to Katrina. Then he turned to the dog. ‘And this must be—’
‘No!’
‘Stop!’
‘Don’t!’
‘He’ll take your hand off!’
They all yelled at him in unison, but it was too late. He was already down on his haunches, reaching out to pet Skipper.
Everyone gasped, hands clutched to their chests in fear as they held their collective breath. Lesley couldn’t bear to look, her eyes squeezed shut as she waited for the inevitable growling and snapping. She was already calculating which hospital’s emergency department would be the most efficient to take Al to. But weirdly, the only sound breaking the stunned silence was Al telling Skipper what a ‘lovely boy’ and a ‘good dog’ he was.
‘Well, would you credit that.’
She opened her eyes to see her father shaking his head in wonder as Al patted and stroked Skipper as if he was a perfectly normal dog and not the homicidal psycho they all knew him to be.
‘I’ve never seen anything like it,’ her mother said.
‘He’s not normally like this,’ Katrina said to Al, and Lesley tried to figure out if she sounded disappointed. ‘He hates people. He only really likes Dad.’
‘He barely puts up with the rest of us,’ Lesley said. ‘But anyone outside the family ...’
‘He took the arse off Lesley’s last boyfriend the first time he came round,’ her father said, chuckling merrily at the memory.
‘What a good boy,’ Al cooed, rubbing Skipper’s ears.
‘You’ve obviously got the magic touch, Al,’ her mother said. ‘But let’s not push our luck. Katrina, put him in the kitchen, and then come in for tea.’
Lesley had to give her mother credit where it was due – she put on a great tea. The table in the dining room was covered with a Cath Kidston cloth, and she’d brought out the best chintzy china. There were plates of crustless finger sandwiches and savoury pastries, and tiered cake stands filled with small, fluffy scones, thick slices of lemon drizzle cake and the promised Black Forest gateau.
‘So tell us about yourself, Al,’ her mother said, passing him a plate of sandwiches. ‘We’ve heard practically nothing about you,’ she added with a pointed look at Lesley.
‘There’s not really much to tell.’
‘What do you do?’
‘I’m an architect.’
‘Oh, very nice,’ Miriam said, clearly impressed as Lesley knew she would be. ‘That’s a lovely profession.’
‘And his father makes Bradshaw Biscuits!’ Lesley said, feeling Al wasn’t talking himself up properly.
‘Bradshaw Biscuits!’ her mother exclaimed. ‘Really?’
‘Well, he doesn’t exactly make them—’ Al began.
‘No, but he’s the brains behind the whole operation,’ Lesley said.
‘Well, that’s an amazing coincidence,’ her father piped up. ‘We love the Chocolate Extravaganzas, don’t we?’ he said to his wife. ‘We had one just this morning with a cup of tea.’
‘Gosh, that’s amazing, Dad,’ Lesley said.
‘It’s like you were meant to be or something,’ Katrina said.
‘So Al’s family are loaded, obviously,’ Lesley said, resuming her boasting. ‘And half of them are famous too. Sir Peter Bradshaw is his uncle, Jane Howard is his aunt – that’s who we stayed with in Doonbeg – and Scott and Rafe Bradshaw are his cousins.’
‘Well, that’s incredible!’ her mother gasped. ‘Only the other day I nearly bought one of Jane Howard’s books.’
‘Small world,’ Katrina said drily.
‘I love Peter Bradshaw,’ Miriam said.
‘We’ll be staying with them all when we go to France,’ Lesley said casually.
Her mother frowned. ‘You’re going on holiday together? First I’ve heard of it.’
Lesley nodded. ‘Al’s family have a house in Nice.’
‘And Scott Bradshaw will be there?’ Miriam looked at Katrina. ‘He’s a bit of a heartthrob around here, isn’t he, Katrina?’
Katrina shrugged. ‘I really liked him in Nightshade.’
She was obviously trying to act cool and blasé, but Lesley was pleased to see she looked a little green around the gills.
‘So where did you two meet?’ Miriam asked.
‘At a dinner party a couple of months ago,’ Lesley said.
‘Oh, whose was it?’
‘No one you’d know,’ Lesley said, shaking her head. ‘No one I know either, as a matter of fact. It was at Dinner Dates.’
‘Oh, one of those lonely hearts things you go to,’ her mother said. She tilted her head to the side, looking at Al sympathetically. ‘Are you a lonely heart too, Al?’
‘Mam!’ Lesley protested, blushing. ‘We’re not lonely. We’re just young, single and ready to mingle.’
‘You’re not as young as you used to be,’ her mother said. ‘It’s about time you stopped “mingling” and settled down before it’s too late. You’ve gone out with hundreds of men, but what’s the point of it all if it never leads anywhere?’
‘Hundreds? Really?’ Al turned to her, his eyebrows raised, a mischievous smile playing around his lips. ‘I feel so special.’
‘Lesley’s dated a lot,’ Miriam told him, her tone disapproving.
‘Yes, she’s a very popular girl,’ her father said, beaming at her proudly.
‘Thanks, Dad.’ Lesley grinned back at him.
‘Hmm. There was a word for popular girls in my day,’ Miriam said, pursing her lips.
‘What word was that, Mam? Popular? It’s the same now.’
‘You know very well what I mean, Lesley.’
‘Mam’s calling you a slut,’ Katrina chipped in helpfully.
‘Katrina!’ her mother snapped. ‘I wouldn’t dream of using such language, especially about my own daughter.’
‘Don’t mind her,’ Katrina said, turning to Lesley. ‘She’s just jealous because she’s only ever shagged Dad. Classic FOMO.’
Lesley snorted. ‘True. She’s a slut manqué.’
Miriam threw them both a filthy look. ‘I’m sure you wouldn’t talk to your mother like that, would you, Al?’
‘I bet she wouldn’t have called him a slut either,’ Lesley muttered under her breath, glancing warily at Al.
‘Well, I was only eleven,’ he said quietly to her. ‘My mother’s dead,’ he told Miriam.
‘Oh, I’m so sorry, pet,’ Miriam said, a hand pressed to her chest, her head tilted sympathetically.
‘Thank you.’
‘I’m just choosy,’ Lesley said as she reached for a slice of cake, keen to draw her mother’s attention back to her and away from the subject of Al’s bereavement.
>
‘Too picky if you ask me,’ her mother sniffed, taking the bait.
‘I suppose she’s told you that she doesn’t fancy Ryan Gosling?’ Katrina said to Al.
‘She may have mentioned it,’ Al said, grinning at Lesley.
‘She thinks she’s great. As if he’d have her anyway. It doesn’t make you so special you know,’ she said to Lesley.
‘I don’t think it makes me special. It’s just a fact, that’s all.’
‘You’d be singing a different tune if Ryan Gosling turned up at the door looking for you,’ her mother said. ‘I bet you wouldn’t turn your nose up at him then.’
‘I would too.’
‘Ah, the poor fella,’ her father said. ‘After coming all the way from Hollywood, you’d just turn him away?’
Lesley sighed. ‘Okay, if Ryan Gosling ever comes all the way from Hollywood to ask me out, I promise I’ll give him a chance, okay?’
‘You can’t say fairer than that,’ her father said, while Katrina’s eyes threatened to roll right out of her head.
‘Right, I’m out of here,’ Katrina said, standing up. ‘I’m going over to Tom’s.’
‘That’s Katrina’s boyfriend,’ Miriam put in with a smug smile.
‘It was nice to meet you, Al,’ Katrina said. ‘And we’re all very grateful to you for taking on Lesley. We’d almost given up on her. Thanks for the tea, Ma.’
She left the room, and moments later the front door slammed. As soon as it did, Miriam leaned conspiratorially towards Al.
‘Katrina doesn’t know it yet,’ she said, her voice low and confidential, as if she was afraid of being overheard, ‘but she’s engaged! Well, almost engaged. Tom is going to ask her to marry him soon. He has this big proposal planned and we’re all going to be in it. He’s even putting it on the internet. We’re going to be on YouTube!’ she said excitedly.
‘Sounds great!’ Al said heartily. Lesley threw him a sceptical look.
‘I know. Imagine me, at my age, becoming a YouTuber!’
‘That’s not what being a YouTuber means, Mam.’
‘I believe you can make great money at it these days if you’re a hit,’ Miriam said, ignoring her. ‘Who knows? Maybe this time next year we’ll be millionaires.’
For Love or Money: A laugh out loud, heartwarming romantic comedy Page 11