by Peter Murphy
“I’d like to see all of it but I’m really just hoping to spend a bit of time with my kids again.” He tried to look happy but Patrick could see; for a moment he looked as though he might cry.
“And that will be very nice for you,” Patrick agreed and tried not to look at him. There was too much of a question in the way Danny said it. He could feel Jacinta watching him too. “And you, Mrs. Boyle. What will you see this time? Now that you’re practically an expert on the place.”
“Well, today I’m going to have a lie-down until my tummy is better. After that, I’ll just go wherever the rest are going. I want to see their faces when they see it all; and I’d like to see Fr. Melchor again. Is he still around?”
“He is. He’s in a wheelchair now so he isn’t as mobile. And he’s a right old age, but he did say he’d like to see you again. Him and Miriam.”
“Ah that’s nice.” She smiled back at him. “And make sure you tell him that I can’t wait. It’ll be so nice to sit down and have a chat about things. And he can meet my Danny.”
“Is that the old Jesuit you told me about?” Danny asked with more than a hint of resignation. He wasn’t the little boy who used to cling to his grandmother’s skirts anymore, but he looked just as plaintive. And all the world had done to him just made it worse.
“Well he and Miriam are very excited about seeing you all again.” Patrick gushed a little. Deirdre had told Miriam what the old woman had in store for her son. She was going to march him from one holy site to the next until every saint in Rome took up his cause. Poor Danny. He looked the way he did when Patrick used to give him his penance.
“Well, I want to see the Coliseum first. And the Temple of Venus is just across from it,” Grainne announced for all to hear and waved the map on her phone around in case further proof was required. “And the Garden of the Vestal Virgins is right there.” She turned her phone back and changed the zoom. “We have to take pictures of me there” She nudged Doug. “Only they’d be nicer in the moonlight.”
“Well, Rachael and I are going to see the Sistine Chapel first and the Basilica.” Martin flicked a crumb from his lap. “And we will probably have dinner in Trastevere.”
“Why don’t we all do that?” Doug asked hopefully.
“Because, silly, you and I are going to have the most romantic holiday of our lives.” Grainne closed her hand on his and gave it a little squeeze.
“That sounds wonderful,” Deirdre agreed as ambiguously as she dared, careful not to upset the apple cart. “I’m hoping to see Miriam today and who knows what we might get up too.”
“And what about Daddy?”
“I’ll take your father for a walk,” Joel offered before Deirdre could answer. Martin and Rachael had told her that he was unhappy about Adina taking Martin Jr. to Montreal, but caved in when the consensus was clearly against him. “He’ll probably get tired quickly and I won’t mind bringing him back so he can rest.”
“We could take your dad too. If you want?” Doug offered awkwardly, and checked Deirdre’s reaction even before checking Grainne’s.
Poor Doug. There was a storm brewing around him and there was nothing he could do but wait for it to break. Grainne had been difficult with them all for days before they got on the plane, but she did hug Deirdre tightly when she showed up at the airport alone. Deirdre knew she would read something into it. There wasn’t. She had just taken the time to think things through and decided she was coming alone. Ritchie said he understood, but she could tell he was having a terrible time with trust. She didn’t want to feed that fire but she wasn’t ready for him to step on this stage just yet. It was a part of her past and she didn’t want any of that between them.
“No, let’s all do our own things today; but I will ask you to commit to dinner on Thursday. Your grandmother and Auntie Miriam want to get everybody together.”
“Are we having the last supper?” Martin muttered as he rose and extended his hand to Rachael, to help her rise and go out and see the Eternal City with him. She smiled back and rose so elegantly. Rome, the sun and her bright blue summer dress making her look a part of it all.
“Of course we will be there.” She wove her arm around Martin’s. “Even if I have to frogmarch him there myself.”
“I suppose he’s getting used to that by now,” Grainne muttered with her head down as she rose.
“Now, sweetie,” Deirdre reached out as if to help her up. “Let’s not trip and fall and ruin everything.”
Grainne stood almost face to face with her mother and smiled. Deirdre knew that smile. Her little girl was in pain, and just like her father, would not be able to talk about it until it erupted. Hopefully it could be postponed for a while. Maybe Miriam could help; she always had a positive effect on her kids.
*
“Well I think it’s terribly unfair. You’re the one who still looks like a queen while I look more like a grandmother each year.” Miriam wasn’t kidding; she looked so old.
“I didn’t think ex-nuns gave much thought to things like that.” Deirdre tried to keep from smiling but she couldn’t. Being with Miriam again made her feel as she had when she was young and Miriam offered her guidance. Life hadn’t turned out the way either of them had expected. It was better and worse.
“Even beneath the veil still lurks the heart of a woman, as full of love and foolishness as any other.”
“Is that the faint hint of bitterness or self-pity?”
“Neither. It’s jealousy.”
“That’s so nice of you to say, Miriam, but we both know you don’t do jealousy. Thanks for playing though.” Deirdre raised her glass of red and paused for a moment. “This is the first time I’ve had a drink since I left Toronto. Somehow, it doesn’t feel right to be drinking around Danny. And Grainne asked us all not to.”
“She’s still calling the shots?”
“Always, but there is something else going on. She’s spoiling for a fight and her poor husband has no idea what to do with her.”
“What did he do?”
“I’m not sure. He’s not the brightest, but this strikes me as a bigger problem. I think Martin and Rachael are in the firing line this time.”
“Mr. and Ms. Perfect. What could they have done?”
“Made a better life for themselves? Who knows? Grainne is so like her father minus the drinking. Every little thing gets stuck inside and . . . well, you know the rest.”
“Will the peace last until we all have dinner? Jacinta has put so much effort into arranging everything.”
“Tell me about it. She checks that I’m still available every time she sees me.”
“Well, you have become a bit of a social butterfly lately.” Miriam leaned forward the way she used to back in Bewley’s when she was letting Deirdre in on some secret about life. “Can I ask you something? Are you happy?”
“Of course I’m happy. I stopped letting the world steal that from me a long time ago. I’ve worked hard and done my best and now I choose to be happy. I know it might be a disappointment to you, but I don’t have much of a social conscience left. I recycle, though, and I support my causes. But beyond that I simply don’t have time for all the terrible things in the world. I have done enough crying and worrying to last me a lifetime.
“Besides, Danny once told me about something that he heard at an AA meeting. Someone said it was better to light up your own corner of the world rather than sit crying in the dark. I don’t think he remembers that, but it stayed with me. I guess you could say it became a mantra for me.”
“Oh, Deirdre. You’re the total opposite of disappointment. You’re the only person I know who’s truly happy.” And in that moment everything was changed between them. Just as with her father and Jacinta Boyle, Deirdre was now the adult to everyone she knew.
“Miriam, you know better. I’m a mother. We only get to be truly happy when our kids are or
until they act up again. Come on, we’ve come this far and we’re sitting in the middle of Rome on a beautiful day. We have so many wonderful and happy things to talk about.”
“Yes, you’re right, and here’s something wonderful and happy that I can only share with you. I was pushing John along by the river a few days ago when it struck me. I’ve always . . . well, carried a bit of torch for John. I never let myself think about it before but the other day it hit me. When I first met him I had silly little dreams of the two of us growing old together, and now I guess I have as much reason as any to be happy.”
“And that”—Deirdre raised her glass, a beautiful red sparkle in the sunshine—“is the secret to contentment: how to make lemonade.”
*
They gathered in a patio on the shady side of the Piazza Farnese. Martin and Rachael stylishly dressed from their shopping; Grainne and Doug, who wore his Maple Leaf shirt; Deirdre in a dark dress and gold earrings; Jacinta in her smartest linen suit; and Danny and Joel both clad in jeans and polo shirts, almost looking like mismatched twins. Patrick had called to say that he and Miriam were running late as John was being difficult, so Deirdre decided they should sit and wait. She was wearing higher heels and needed to get off her feet. The walk over would have been so enjoyable but there was something going on. Jacinta didn’t seem to notice and just chatted away as they walked arm-in-arm through cobblestone lanes, but Deirdre did. Every time Rachael and Martin stopped to look in a window, Grainne would groan. It wasn’t as if they were slowing them down—at Jacinta’s pace they would have had time to stop in every store. Even Danny was able to keep up, and he and Joel wandered slowly ahead, joking and laughing. They shared a very dry sense of humor. Deirdre was happy for them—two black sheep who had finally found each other. It would have been so pleasant if her daughter wasn’t in one of her moods.
“I didn’t realize we were going formal tonight,” Grainne commented as she sat and took a sidelong glance at Rachael.
“In Rome, no woman goes out in less than her best,” Deirdre explained and smiled at her daughter. Grainne still carried some of her baby weight and dressed to cover it with shapeless things that she found in Winners. “But you look wonderful, too.”
“I think Martin and Rachael look very Italian—very stylish,” Jacinta chimed in as she checked each of the little streets that led into the piazza. “And you look wonderful, dear. You look very Canadian.”
“Thanks, Granny. Doug and I like to enjoy our vacations and not feel we have to impress anybody.”
“That’s nice, dear,” Jacinta soothed. “And are you enjoying yourself?” she asked Doug.
“It’s great,” he agreed quickly, “but it’s different than I thought it would be.”
“Really?” Deirdre joined in to distract Grainne from her brother, who looked like he was about to say something. “And why is that?”
“The Italians here are a lot nicer than the ones we have at home.”
The waiter intruded before anyone had to answer and asked if they would like drinks while they waited. “Yes,” Martin answered immediately and began to read the wine menu. “Rachael and I would like some wine.”
“And why wouldn’t you,” Jacinta encouraged and turned to Danny. “You won’t mind, will you?”
“Not at all,” Danny enthused. “Please go ahead. It’s not going to bother me.”
“Are you sure?” Joel asked, and waited for Danny to nod before picking up his menu.
“It would bother me more if you weren’t. I’ll have a bottle of water, the gassy one.”
“Aqua.” The waiter smiled. “You don’t like wine?”
“Not today.” Danny smiled at them all. “And hopefully not tomorrow, either.”
“And I’ll have water too.” Grainne announced and looked to Doug.
“I’d love a beer, if that’s all right?”
“Really, Doug. Beer?”
“Oh let him have it,” Rachael offered like an olive branch. “He’s on holidays.”
“Yes he is, with me.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Martin asked as he leaned forward between his sister and his wife.
“Ask her,” Grainne said as off-handedly as she could.
“Grainne?” Rachael looked confused.
“Oh, don’t play the innocent with me.”
“Grainne?” Jacinta joined in. “What’s the matter?”
“Oh nothing, Granny. It’s just that some people seem to forget who they’re married to.”
“Grainne.” Doug tried to put his arm around her.
“Don’t.” Grainne stiffened.
The waiter returned and everyone sat back and waited while he served their drinks with a flourish. “And are you ready to order?”
“Not yet.” Deirdre smiled up at him but it was a heartless smile. It was all beginning to make sense to her now. She didn’t know for sure; it was more a case of her maternal instincts. “We are still waiting on our friends. And before they get here, please excuse me while I use the washroom. Grainne, will you come with me?”
*
“You’re after missing all the excitement,” Jacinta explained when Patrick arrived and found her sitting with Joel and Danny. He had come alone as Miriam had been unable to get John to come out. “He needs to do this on his own,” he kept repeating, and Miriam wasn’t able to find out who “he” was.
“It’s like we had an outbreak of the plague,” Jacinta continued after Patrick had made their apologies. “They all suddenly got sick.”
Grainne and Doug had left because she was feeling unwell. Then Martin and his wife had to leave, too, after a lot of running back and forth to the washrooms where Deirdre was trying to manage a crisis or something.
“I hope it’s nothing serious,” Patrick offered with real concern when Deirdre remerged looking as serene as she could.
“It’s just an outbreak of family-itis.” Jacinta laughed and patted the back of her daughter-in-law’s hand. She could see she was upset and embarrassed. “They never really outgrow it. You think they’re all grown up but as soon as they get together, it’s like they’re three-year-olds again.”
They all laughed at that but Jacinta could see; there was no point in trying to keep her plan. “Maybe we should try and get everybody together some other evening?”
“Yes, I think that would be for the best.” Patrick nodded back and waited for Deirdre. She took another moment to compose herself and smiled at them all. “Yes, I agree. Let’s go back to the hotel and get a good night’s sleep and see where we are in the morning.”
“Where’s Danny?” Joel asked as they gathered their things and got ready to leave.
“He was here a minute ago,” Jacinta said but wasn’t sure. With all the fuss that was happening, no one had noticed him leave. Joel checked the washrooms while Patrick looked around the piazza, but there was no sign of him.
“You don’t think he’s going to get himself into any trouble?” Jacinta asked; but Joel and Deirdre had no answer.
“Perhaps,” Patrick suggested as soothingly as he could, “you ladies should go back to the hotel with Joel and I’ll look for him.”
Joel was reluctant but Patrick assured them. He knew the city better and he had friends to call on if the need arose. He didn’t think it would—he had a hunch where Danny might be—but he didn’t tell them that.
*
Deirdre lay on her hotel bed and wished she were at home. The whole misunderstanding between Grainne and Rachael had been smoothed over for now, but these things always took much longer to really resolve. Doug had sat in muted shock as his wife accused him of having an affair with his best friend’s wife. That type of thing didn’t just blow over; there would be fallout for months, maybe even years. Rachael seemed ready to forgive and forget but Martin had yet to have his say.
It was well p
ast midnight but she couldn’t get to sleep. She kept replaying the details in her mind. She might have been able to avert it but she hadn’t been giving it her full attention. She had known something was going on since before Christmas. That was the misunderstanding: Rachael and Doug’s effort to plan festivities in secret had been misinterpreted.
No good deed goes unpunished, Deirdre reminded herself and fluffed her pillows again. She needed to sleep so she could continue the smoothing-over process in the morning. They still had four more days to go and she was determined to make the best of it.
Shortly after one, just as she was finally beginning to drift off, Joel phoned her room. He apologized for disturbing her but he was worried; Danny had not come back yet.
*
After wandering the narrow streets of Rione Parione, Danny Boyle stood at the foot of Giordano Bruno’s statue like the lost pilgrim he was. The scene at the restaurant had really gotten to him. Watching it all unfold, he knew he shouldn’t have come. He wasn’t sure what Grainne and Martin were upset about but it probably had something to do with him. They’d all been acting so carefully around him—as if he might shatter and break if one of them looked crooked at him. He should have stayed at home.
This was the part of getting sober that he dreaded—facing up to what he’d become and what he’d done. How could he explain to his own son and daughter—and his ex-wife—that he had chosen the life of a drunken bum over them? He couldn’t even explain it to himself, other than finally admitting that he really was an alcoholic. And that meant accepting all that entailed.
At meetings they said that part of being alcoholic was that they were wired for denial—and rationalization. They told themselves they drank to try to take the edge off, when really it was the only way they could get comfortable around other people. And over time, as the few drinks became many, that created a whole new mess of problems—such as lying about how much they really drank or what they’d done when they were drunk.