by Michael Reid
Set your table and stick to it.
DEAR WOMAN,
Sometimes
You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.
The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You do not need a smaller crown—
You need a man with bigger hands.
“THE SKIN YOU’RE IN . . .”
“One of the most beautiful things to witness is observing a woman who fell in love with herself. One who accepts her flaws, appreciates her gifts, but is most proud of how well the two fit together.”
I cannot stress enough the importance of self-love. Once you find it, it will truly be your best friend. It’s the key to living a positive life. It’s about acceptance, it’s about honesty, and it’s about being content. It’s about loving who you see in the mirror, whether its 6:00am on a Tuesday in your bathroom or 10pm in the mirror of your car on a Saturday night. They are the same woman.
Many women get too caught up on what society thinks is beautiful. It’s ok to see beauty in others and appreciate it, but what you should never do is see the beauty in someone else and let it make you feel uncomfortable about you.
“Everybody wants to be the girl in the magazine, but the girl in the magazine isn’t even the girl in the magazine.”
When you don’t have that self-love, you go looking for it. You start second guessing yourself when it comes to your beauty. You’ll start wondering how you can make yourself beautiful. Be careful.
Ask yourself, “How far am I willing to go? “There is a difference between playing in makeup and wanting a new face.” Between wanting to lose a few pounds and not eating today because the way someone else looked yesterday makes you want to look like her tomorrow. Instead, give credit where credit is due, including to you. You are a model, too. It’s just that the magazine you should be on the cover of hasn’t gone to print yet. They haven’t written the song yet for the music video you’re supposed to star in. So should that stop you? Absolutely not. Not when the whole world is your runway. There isn’t a height, weight, skin tone, hairstyle or “look” that’s trending. You know what’s really in and never going out of style? You. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you’ll crack a smile when you see those people who try too hard to be someone else. The people who spend hours getting ready for minutes. Don’t let that be you. Life is lived by the second. Don’t waste it trying to get ready for the world. Wake up, look in the mirror, and ask yourself, “Is the world ready for me?” Love the skin you’re in—if not, you’re going to wake up one day and not even recognize you.
DEAR WOMAN,
Never forget that you’re beautiful.
When the make-up can’t seem to beat your face enough.
When the corsets and body wraps can’t shrink your waist enough.
Be woman enough to look yourself in the mirror
and say, “This is my body, and I love it just the way it is.”
Be your own woman crush,
no matter what day it is.
Whether you’re constantly in designer clothes,
or constantly having real life situations
that take the part of your check you had planned to use to buy your clothes.
Remember, it isn’t what you wear,
or how you wear it—
it’s about not letting what’s on your body affect your spirit.
When you can’t fill out a 2 piece the way you want to.
Remember, that God is your plastic surgeon.
If He wanted you to have it,
He would have given it to you.
“DADDY . . .”
“Naturally, a woman’s first love should be her father. However, when it’s not, it’s not.”
To the women who grew up with one: To say that there isn’t some sort of supernatural connection that happens between a father and his daughter throughout the process of raising her is difficult to do. A good dad makes moms jealous, boyfriends nervous and the world just a little bit easier to handle. There are so many women who will testify that their father was the first man they ever fell in love with. There are women who will swear that the love, attention, support and encouragement they received from dad and sometimes even the lack of it, were probably the single most important aspects of their growth.
A woman who has that type of connection with their father no doubt has and/or will have an easier transition into becoming a woman. To those women, I want you to take a moment to realize how fortunate you are. If he’s around, shoot him a text, tell him, “Thank you.” Everybody likes to feel appreciated, even dad—from the hugs and kisses to walks and talks. From the screaming and yelling to the embarrassing phone calls and strict rules, everything was done for a reason. No matter what, he was always that lap to sit on, a shoulder to cry on and the extra $20 bucks when you needed it. Cherish those memories.
Appreciate the good times as well as the tough ones. Having a dad is a beautiful thing, even when some of the decisions he makes or some of his actions as your dad aren’t so beautiful. Understand that, like with life, there is no handbook that comes with fatherhood. There is no bonus you get in your paycheck every week or discount card you receive in the mail for raising a child. The only real incentive you get is maybe a cool card and a free meal on Father’s Day, a couple extra gifts with your name under the Christmas tree and maybe 25 years from now, your daughter might call you to say, “Thank you.” He may fall short, but those are just the places where you can stand tall. He may not say he’s proud of you, so be proud of yourself. Be grateful in it all because the only bad father is the one who doesn’t try.
To the women who had to grow up without one: I know what it’s like to feel empty—to feel like there is a void in your life, like something is missing. I also know that there aren’t too many words I can say that can replace not having a father. My only advice is, “You can’t miss what wasn’t there.” I need you to understand that being a father is just a choice. A choice that you make to be man enough to take care of your responsibilities. This is a decision that every man must make on his own. They’ll either do it or they won’t. The problem with choices is sometimes people don’t always make the right ones. But that isn’t your fault. Some dads go above and beyond, some do the best that they can and some don’t do much at all. It’s unfortunate, but there isn’t a law to make men be fathers, no matter how badly some young women need one. I know it’s tough. Sometimes you don’t think about it. Sometimes you think about it until it hurts. Those are feelings that you’re allowed to feel, so by all means, cry if you want to cry, get angry for a second and throw a temper tantrum. That is totally fine. Anything after that, and you’ve given the thought too much attention. In some cases you’ve just given 30 seconds more to your situation than your father ever will. That is too much time to waste on someone who doesn’t matter. No it’s not wrong to say they don’t matter, and they don’t matter now because you didn’t matter then. Just don’t sit there and act like the universe had it out for you, or the “Dad Fairy” didn’t decide to leave a father under a pillow. It didn’t go down like that.
As much as being a father is an honor and a privilege, as much as it’s probably the one thing that as man in which all we have to do is try in order to be loved and appreciated, it’s also an option, one that some men just aren’t ready for.
This is not your battle to fight. You must continue to be the woman you were destined to be, in spite of all the hurdles life throws in your way, including this one. The most important thing is to remember that what doesn’t break you makes you stronger. This will be just another test that you turn i
nto a testament of how you made it regardless. It will show you a woman can be a woman without a man’s help. Use the pain for purpose. If the time ever comes when you two meet again, have as much forgiveness in your heart as you do pain. Understand that while he might have been able to be in your life sooner, if he did, you wouldn’t be the woman you are today.
DEAR WOMAN,
Life comes in threes
Who you get it from. Who you give it to. And you.
The first two are usually the most talked about.
Maybe it’s because they usually last the longest,
Or maybe it’s because society makes you think that your life isn’t valid
Unless you’re giving it to someone else.
Too many women spend too much of their lives at a bus stop.
At the corner of the block where they grew up, with everything they own, everything they’ve learned, crammed in three suitcases, a book bag,
And a cardboard box with “fragile” written on every side.
Waiting.
Waiting to be picked up and taken away by a knight in shining armor, like a damsel in distress, like the last five-year-old to be picked up from school.
It’s time to get you off that corner.
If you can’t go home, go somewhere else, and make it home.
Sit on your couch with your favorite book, a glass of wine and a candle.
Unbothered.
What good is giving your life to someone else, if you haven’t even given it to yourself?
“3RD PART OF LIFE . . .”
“If you’re engaged, turn the page.”
How old do you want to be when you get married? 28, 30, 33? Yesterday? Why? Somebody must’ve told you that’s what you’re “supposed” to do at that age? I’m telling you right now, don’t fall for it! Yes, marriage is cool, but you know what else sounds cool? Living your damn life. I know some people mature faster than others, and sometimes life puts us in situations where we need to do what’s best for our situations, not ourselves. So if you’ve got one of those high school sweethearts that never turned sour, I get that. If you get pregnant, (please be careful) and you decide that it’s in the best interest of the child for the two of you to start a family, think about it again, and if you do decide to go through with it, I get that.
Right now I’m talking to the woman who’s tired of getting wedding invitations and having to buy new dresses to go watch other women commit the rest of their lives to somebody. I’m talking to the woman who wants to hop on the next man with a nice smile and half a brain and ride him into the sunset of “marriage” because you’re tired of trying to find a guy that can text you back in a decent amount of time when you’re talking about something other than hooking up. This is for you.
Before you think about giving the rest of your life to someone else, ask yourself a couple questions. How many years have you given to you? How many years have you worked for yourself, on yourself, by yourself, with yourself? Let’s do some quick math here: as a woman, you spend roughly the first 17-18 years working for your parent(s), right? Everything from “wash this, clean that, move that, bring me this, don’t do that, be home at this time, you can’t wear that, you can’t go there, who is this and why are they at my door step,” plus a whole bunch of other rules, right?
Then your 18th birthday comes along and you are finally free, well sort of. Many of you will go to college; some will enter the work force, some will do a little of both. Either way you’re going to finally begin to start making some of your own decisions and living your own life. Keep going.
These next couple of years, from 18 to 25, are crucial. This is when you start becoming your own woman. You’ll start figuring out what you like, what you don’t, who you like and who you don’t. The good thing is, you’re well on your way. The not so good thing is your life isn’t really all yours yet. In college, you might not have your parents breathing down your neck, but college life isn’t a joke. You’ll have papers to write, homework to do, parties to crash (not too many though) and this is probably the most dating freedom you’ve had your whole life, especially if you had one of those moms that just had to meet every guy that wanted to take you to the movies or the dad who asks 21 questions to guys that you don’t even know the answer to yet. College is your first taste of freedom. Enjoy it.
If you decide to go straight into working from high school, your focus should be on saving up enough money to move as far away from your parents’ house as you can, but close enough to still be able to sleep in your old room if the weather is going to be bad or if you’re out of food. You’ll realize that you were probably better off staying there a little longer because leaving the lights on all the time isn’t a big deal until YOU are the one paying the electric bill.
Once you’re out, enjoy it! This is your first taste of a little freedom; don’t let it go to your head or your heart. If you’ve just moved out of your parents’ house, don’t let 45 minutes go by and, all of a sudden, you’re moving someone into yours. Your focus should be on your career because either you’re at an entry level in your job or just getting started in your own business—either way, you’re in competition with people who are much older than you, much more experienced than you, and you have a lot to learn about yourself and your business. There aren’t enough hours in a day to be a student of school, a student of life and a student of love all at the same time. You’re well on your way though, don’t stop now. Keep going.
“Your teenage years and early 20s should be dedicated to you figuring out how the world works, not you trying to give the world to someone else.”
25-30. Ok, so if you’re on track, these should be some of the best years of your life. The only isle you should be worrying about walking down is that one that has your diploma at the other end. You worked so hard these last 4-6 years. (Some people think college is so dope that they decide to stick around a little longer. No judgment here ☺
Now it’s time to enjoy the fruits of your labor AND TO GET A JOB. (I’m just trying to warn you before your parents do.) This is when life starts to get a little easier. Not easy enough for you to think you can find a good job and a good man the week after graduation. Easier like, “I can get a job that pays me enough money to afford my rent, eating and shopping—all with the same check . . . and still have money for gas.” (lol, but seriously) If you’ve been a working woman these last couple of years, let this be the time that you take working on you to another level. It’s time to get a raise; it’s time get a promotion; it’s time to apply for a different position, maybe even a new job. There are so many ways you can grow that have nothing to do with love. Try a few of them.
At the end of the day, this is just a guide. A couple of suggestions from a man who’s watched so many woman put so much pressure on a situation that really requires so little. For 17-18 years you belong to your parents, and then you belong to either your college or the early stage of your career. The last thing you want to do is belong to someone else for the next 60 years, before you even belong to yourself. Don’t be so used to making other people happy that you forget the most important person in the crazy roller coaster ride called life: you.
There are some women who will meet great people early in life—people who will be just as confused as you are—and you two are going to figure it out together. Along the way, you two might realize that you don’t want to figure it out alone or with other people, and that will be a beautiful thing. That is organic love. That is best friend love. Not to be confused with settling. Others, though, will get caught up on where their life is. They will have that mother that keeps reminding them, “You’re not getting any younger,” and somehow no matter how the conversation starts, “grandkids” always come up. Eventually, they will start second guessing where they are in life. Don’t let it be you. What messes some people up is the idea in their head of where they are supposed to be in life. There are 3 parts to it: living with you parents, living with your partner and living with you.
Make sure you get your fair share of all three.
DEAR WOMAN,
There are two souls inside of you.
One Mother. One Wife.
Both givers. Both protectors.
Both dying to be set free.
The problem is,
you’ll notice that they both usually appear around the same time
And you’ll notice some men you meet will need one,
just as bad as they need the other.
Please be careful which one you bring into your relationship.
If you don’t learn how to separate the two,
you will treat your man like your son.
The wife in you will make love to him,
while the mother will allow him to do no wrong in your eyes.
The wife in you will accept him for who he is,
while the mother in you will try to raise him like he is your own.
The problem is,
when you teach a boy how to be a man—if you do it right,
he isn’t supposed to come home.
“TWO”
“If you have to be both, be neither.”
Sometimes being a woman can be a gift and a curse, especially when you begin to feel everything so deeply. As you grow as a woman, you’ll notice that you’ll begin to react to people and situations with a certain attitude. It will become almost second nature. All the emotion and compassion that a woman naturally possesses will manifest itself in her everyday life. You have to learn how to manage those feelings or you will end up in place that far too many women do. They start being mothers to their boyfriends. It might sound like a stretch, but really it’s not. It’s honestly the result of just a couple of common occurrences, that when combined, will create the “perfect storm” that might have you knee deep in a situation where you are using these gifts the wrong way.