Dear Woman

by Michael Reid

  The first soul is “mother.” Some women get it from their mother; some women learn it by being a mother to themselves. In any event, this is the soul that makes you want to be a protector, a forgiver, a nurturer and a fixer. What’s wrong with that? Nothing. It’s a necessary list of traits that every woman should have that will be useful to her in the future when she must be those things to her own child. Remember, the key word here is CHILD. The second soul is “wife.” This, too, can be learned by a young woman who watched how her mother treated whoever the male figure in her household was. This, too, isn’t a bad thing. In fact, when it’s done right, every young woman who witnesses it in her home will want to have it for themselves because she saw how valuable this soul was in her happiness. If she doesn’t witness it there, she will definitely do so in the world.

  “Marriage and love are everywhere. They have a way of making you feel like there is this big party going on that you’re missing out on. There might be, but it’s definitely one that you want to get an invitation to instead of crashing.”

  Witnessing these two souls, mother and wife, firsthand definitely does help, more importantly though you must be able to know when and where to use them. This plays a role in how you operate with these souls. The problem isn’t you having them, it’s you knowing how to separate the two, and it’s about finding a man that doesn’t need you to be both. Some people might say that the similarities between mother and wife are pretty common. They are. They share a lot of the same characteristics, but they are two totally different things.

  There are some men out here that need a mother more than they need a wife. They need to be taken care of in ways that are beyond what you should be willing to offer. Don’t get so caught up on desiring to be a wife to a man that you start being a mother to him first. Subconsciously, this is your way of preparing him for you. This is a mistake. You’re going to begin to nurture him, while trying to fall in love with him at the same time. It’s going to be difficult to recognize because, like I said, the two souls run so closely together. You’ll notice that you’re in trouble when the only time you feel like a wife is in the bedroom. Any other time, you’ll be the mother. You’ll do more cleaning than getting cleaned up to go out on a date. You’ll do more teaching than learning. You’ll be more excited about the man he has potential to be than the man that you have. Before you know it, you’ll have raised him. Be careful.

  If not, you might have just raised a boy to be a better man for another woman.

  DEAR WOMAN,

  There are a few things that are worse than murder,

  Like a woman who ends up becoming just like the man who hurt her.

  Sometimes worse.

  These days, half the time you act like you don’t even have a heart.

  The other half is:

  “I’ve got one, but I don’t even know if it still works.”

  It’s probably because you don’t even know whether you love him or hate him yet.

  The only thing you’re 100% sure of is that it still hurts.

  So now you’re running around acting like the girl version of him

  When you need to be finding the version of you that sticks around after it doesn’t work out with some of these men.

  It’s sad that he left.

  It’s worse that ever since he did,

  you haven’t even been close to right.

  So now instead of looking for love,

  You’re content with brining just anybody to your home at night.

  It’s ironic how the one thing you hold onto after he’s gone

  is the one thing you wish he never brought with him.

  It’s bad enough that he stole your light.

  It’s even worse that you ran in the dark with him.

  “FOR BETTER OR WORSE”

  “Every man that enters and exits a woman’s life changes her in some way; the only question is how?”

  It starts in the beginning. Most of the time, when a woman decides to deal with a man that she has some concerns about before she gives her heart to him, she’s usually right. A woman’s intuition is her best friend. The sad part is, sometimes the same reasons why some women shouldn’t deal with a specific man, are the same reasons why she ends up going through with it anyway. I don’t know whether it has something to do with the saying about how “every woman wants a bad guy that will be good to her” or the one about “why do good girls like bad guys?” Both are ridiculous.

  “There is a difference between trying to change a bad guy and letting a bad guy change you.”

  What I need you to understand is every person you let in your life changes you. It is up to you if it’s going to be for better or for worse. Whether you let them in for a half a second, half a year or half your life, they all rub off. This this is why I can’t stress enough that you must keep positive people around you. When you have a bunch of good people in your corner, it helps you recognize the bad ones even more because they will stand out. It’s like if you have a bunch of apples in a basket, if most of them are fresh, you will notice the rotten one quickly. It is not enough to just notice it though, you must also remove it. If you don’t, that bad apple might destroy the bunch, or it might destroy you.

  Some people fall through the cracks, either they aren’t who you thought they were, or you knew who they were and just didn’t think they would be that way to you. It happens in politics; it happens in business; it happens in love. I know it’s frustrating when you find out, but what’s worse is when you let it affect you and let it affect how you live your life after you know. To expect the world to be fair to you, to expect the world to treat you the same way you treat it, is nothing but suicide. There are too many people who just aren’t good people. Sometimes, it isn’t even their fault, but it is NEVER yours. You can’t walk around expecting things to be fair because they won’t. That’s why you are supposed to appreciate the real ones more, since there aren’t that many of them walking around. That is only half the battle though. The second half has to deal with what you let the not-so-real ones do to you. To let the way the world treats you change the way you treat you and the way you treat the world after is murder.

  I see too many women who deal with guys that break their hearts. I don’t know whether to blame him for breaking it or blame you for giving it to him in the first place, so I will not do either. What I will do though is tell you that under no circumstances are you to EVER let what he did to your heart make you act like you don’t have one; nor are you to ever, consciously or subconsciously, let it make you run around here and break other peoples’ hearts. If you were a good person before him, be a good person in spite of him, be a good person after him. Do you know why?

  Whether you realize it or not, no matter how far away he is from you physically, if a bad guy is still in your heart and still in your head, if he is still controlling how you act with yourself or with any other man after him, he is still winning. How can you let a man win when he isn’t even playing anymore? Answer: While he is not playing you, he is affecting you enough that you’re playing yourself.

  First, you have to understand that him hurting you had to happen. It had to happen because he wasn’t the person for you, and you didn’t pick up on the signs. It had to get worse, not so it could get better, but so you could get better. You might have even picked up on the signs, but you thought it was love so you didn’t mind going through the rough patches. Either way, physically he’s gone, but he has rubbed off on you. He was bad to you, so instead of you being happy that you got out, you were upset that you got your feelings hurt, so you decided to be bad to the rest of the world. You started saying things like, “If you can’t beat’em, join’em” and “All guys are the same.” Some of you go as far as saying,” I’m going to treat them how they treat me.” Don’t do it. Why? As soon as you do, what you’re saying is that you are going to let the way bad guys treat you dictate how you potentially treat good guys. You’re going to attract more bad guys because they will see themsel
ves in you and feel like it’s a match made in heaven because they finally found a woman who thinks and feels like they do. This might work for a second, but do you know what’s going to happen? You’re going to spend more time with this new guy, and then you’re going to begin forgetting about the old one because you’re “happy.” Then you’re going to start acting like yourself again, only to realize that he liked you for who he thought you were because of what the old guy did to you. When he sees the real you, he might not like you as much because it’s not the person he met initially. Then you will be back to square one: murdered, again. This time it will be your fault.

  For some of you, it won’t happen that way—for some of you, you will be turned off by love completely. You will flat out hate men. You will become cold and bitter. You will look at men as objects, like nothing more than an item to satisfy a specific need. You’ll ask yourself what do you need from a man, and look for just that. Most of the time, it will be material things like, money, sex, attention or company. Other times, you will seek revenge and try to break other hearts because yours is broken. It’s like they say, “Hurt people hurt people.” This is worse than murder. This is when you need a reality check.

  You can’t just walk around hurting people.

  DEAR WOMAN,

  Boys will be boys.

  The good. The bad. As well as the, “I didn’t see that one coming.”

  More often than not,

  You will meet the second two more often than you’ll meet the first.

  No worries, everybody makes mistakes

  The good thing is nothing lasts forever,

  So the only bad decisions you have to live with,

  Are the ones you let live with you.

  It’s kind of like nail polish;

  Some colors look good in the display case,

  But are terrible when they reflect against your skin.

  Just like you can’t be mad at the bottle, you can’t be mad at the man.

  His job was not to be the color you like.

  It is your job to figure out whether or not you like the color he is.

  If you ever get to a point where you are surprised by one’s actions,

  Understand that every time a man reveals his true colors,

  It is an opportunity.

  Not to convince yourself that you like the color,

  But to have the patience to sit down and try again.

  “COLORS”

  “Sometimes you don’t know where you’re going until you get there, but just because you get there, doesn’t mean you have to stay there.”

  Sometimes, you won’t know how you really feel about a person until you’re with that person. Sometimes, it’s because people don’t give the best parts of themselves to just anybody. Sometimes, it’s because people are good at pretending to be someone else. Some of the pretenders do it because they think being a certain type of person will put them in the best position to get what they want from you. Other times, its because there are people out here who want to be somebody other than who they are, so when they advertise themselves, they attempt to sell you a house that hasn’t even been built yet—in hopes that you’re willing to invest in them enough to complete the project.

  “In time, everyone reveals who they really are. Sometimes, it’s on the first date, sometimes it’s the first time you need them to be something else other than what they had planned on being for you. That might be when you realize that they are the one or that may be the moment when you realize that you just got robbed. Don’t stick around. Accept it and find the exit.”

  When you’re knee deep in something, whether it’s a business investment, a career or love, it becomes so hard to cut your losses. It becomes so difficult to accept the fact that you just made a bad decision. I want you to get in the habit of comparing things that are of importance to things that are not so important, only to cut back on some of the pressure that everyone feels about trying to make things work.

  Most women are familiar with getting their nails done and the process that come along with it. The similarities are actually quite believable. You walk in the nail salon and it’s time to pick your color. Now you may have an idea of what color you want. It might be because you thought it looked nice in the bottle on the shelf, it might be because of how it looked on someone else, or it could be because you had your mind made up that you were going to try something different.

  None of these are bad reasons to try a color or a person. Just don’t do it because of an outfit; it might be good for a night, but the rest of the month you’re screwed. So, you try it out, and after the paint dries, you stick out your hand and look at it—as its pressed against your skin, don’t be afraid to hate it if it’s not what you expected it to be. You might just be a shade off, or purple just might not be you color.

  The good thing is, just like nail polish, people are removable. Now some people may say, “Girl, just let it grow on you.” The problem with that is, some people will spend more time with the color and go back tomorrow and change it. Others will leave it because they are too lazy, too busy, too stingy or too impatient to reinvest in the process. Don’t let it be you. There are too many colors out there for you to make yourself like a specific one.

  DEAR WOMAN,

  I think you’ve just got too much time on your hands.

  But instead of you finding a hobby,

  You let your emotions and the weather get the best of you,

  so you go out and find you a body.

  Somebody. Anybody. Just a body to keep you warm.

  Then, when your body gets all hot but your heart’s not,

  You’re just setting yourself up for the storm.

  Just because it’s raining men doesn’t mean you need to step outside with your mouth open.

  You’ll catch a cold or a stone cold creep before you find one that sees your heart, if you’re running around with your blouse open.

  You don’t really want a boyfriend as bad as you think you do.

  You just miss the text messages letting you know that there’s somebody out there that likes you enough to think of you.

  What I’m going to need from you

  Is for you to start thinking of yourself more.

  There’s nothing wrong with buying an extra blanket and a body pillow and keeping yourself warm.

  At least that way you know exactly who you’re laying down with.

  The last thing you want to do is put on those red shoes and makeup just to find somebody to be a clown with.

  “RESPONSIBILITY”

  “Sometimes, the more assets you have, the more of a liability they become.”

  Let me be the first to tell you that I know personally what it feels like to be lonely. I also know what it feels like to be desired by many people while being lonely. It’s a really tough position to be in. To get through it safely, you’ve got to learn how to manage these feelings, or else you’re going to be doing a whole bunch of nothing. With great beauty, great power, great popularity—shoot—even a great job and a great apartment, a great responsibility comes with it. A responsibility to not let what you bring to the table, multiplied by the fact that there isn’t anybody at your table, or sometimes even checking for your table, make you go out and start having auditions. Why? Everybody that is interested isn’t eligible.

  “One of the most dangerous combinations around is a good woman with too much time on her hands.”

  There is no shortage of men. Now good men, we could have a spirited discussion about that, but let’s just say that of course there are more Hondas than Bentleys out here on the road, as there should be. What makes a car valuable isn’t just the price, it’s the fact that they are exclusive.

  However, guess what? You’re exclusive, too. So, you have to learn how to accept your exclusivity, and be woman enough to understand that everybody can’t afford a Bentley, but that doesn’t mean they won’t walk into your dealership, dressed up in their favorite outfit with a couple of dollars in their
pocket looking for a test drive.

  Meanwhile, you, the owner of the dealership, is just dying to let somebody take you around the block. I’m going to need you to be stronger than that. I’m going to need you to be able to turn some people away at the door and down the street. Some people don’t even need to know where your dealership is, and it’s not because you’re stuck up or conceited. Those are things people will say when you they realize that it’s not a queen’s job to explain their crown. You need to be able to turn people away because time is too valuable to be wasted.

  Instead, keep your car clean and ready to go. There is so much more to be out here doing to better yourself. There are so many opportunities that are available to experience life in different ways. Find one or six. Find enough that you’ll be so busy you don’t even have time to realize. Be so busy working on yourself that you don’t even notice no one came in today, this week or this month—busy enough that someone either has to be real persistent or a really serious candidate for you to fork over those keys.

  If not, the alternative is going to be a line around the corner of everyone from the CEO to the janitor, all ready and willing to go for a spin. Before you know it, you’ll have more miles than a little bit; you’ll start noticing new scratches and dents every time you turn around. Then, you’ll have to lower the price. Keep your car parked. You can start it up every now and then, but you can do that all on your own. Just don’t be afraid to be by yourself.