by Jeff Strand
When we were done, Roger and I recorded an upbeat message for the viewers of Adventures With Percival Longshore, sharing how excited we were to be going on this journey and having the curse broken once and for all. Then we all climbed into the boat and sped off.
The speedboat was far too loud for conversation. I just sat there silently, wondering if giant hippos attacking boats was an Amazon River thing or if it happened elsewhere. I also thought about how the scenery was beautiful and how this was a once in a lifetime opportunity that most people would never get to experience, but mostly I thought about the hippos.
After about half an hour, Henrietta shut off the motor and pointed to the right. “There it is. The Sawchan River.” She looked back at Percival. “Shall I share the nickname?”
“No, that’s not necessary.”
“What’s the nickname?” I asked.
“It’s not important,” said Percival. “The Sawchan River will suffice.”
“Do people call it The River of Death?”
“No.”
“The River of Nightmares?”
“No.”
“Blood River?”
“No.”
“Guts River?”
“No.”
“Splatter River?”
“No.”
“Insanity River? Madness River? Padded Room River?”
“Some call it the River of Descent,” said Percival.
“As in, descent into Hell?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps. And now you’re going to overreact.”
“No, I think it’s a badass name,” I said. “Bring it. Let’s head on down the River of Descent.”
Henrietta turned the motor back on, and we turned onto the much smaller river, which was only about thirty feet across. The scenery on both sides was still lush and beautiful. I thought I saw a toucan but it flew off before it could sell me some Froot Loops.
We sped down the river for about fifteen minutes, until the boat stopped with a sudden jolt that almost sent Ignacio over the side. Henrietta quickly shut off the engine.
“What happened?” I asked.
“Just a shallow area,” said Henrietta. “Nothing to worry about. A couple of you will have to get out and push.”
“Andrew, Roger, you heard the lady,” said Percival.
Chapter Five
“What kinds of things are in the water?” I asked.
“Black caiman,” said Ignacio. “But I don’t see any around right now and you won’t be in the water very long. You’re from Florida, right? A caiman is no different from the alligators you have roaming the streets.”
“I was mostly asking about what’s under the water.”
“Leeches, maybe,” said Ignacio. “You’ll be fine—you’re wearing tight pants. I doubt any piranha will bother you. You hear about how they can skeletonize a human body in seconds, and it’s generally true, but it won’t happen when you’re pushing a boat in shallow water like this. That’s more if you fall out of the boat and we aren’t able to pull you back inside in a timely manner.”
“And you’d probably see an electric eel coming,” said Henrietta.
“There are electric eels in there?” Roger asked.
“We’ll watch for them,” Henrietta promised.
“I can’t imagine having my obituary say I was killed by an electric eel,” said Roger. “That would be crazy. Who dies by electric eel? I honestly thought they were just made up for cartoons.”
“I’m not really concerned about caiman, leeches, piranha, or electric eels,” I said. “I’m more concerned about that parasite that goes into your urethra.”
“That’s not something to worry about,” said Ignacio.
“I’m sorry, but I will never not worry about the urethra parasite.”
“You’ll be fine. I’m not saying you should pee in the water—you definitely shouldn’t—but you’ll be fine. Just get out and push the boat. It’ll take three seconds.”
Roger and I climbed out of the boat and into the water. It didn’t even come up to our knees, which was the whole reason the boat got stuck, but the water was murky and any manner of deadly creatures could be making their way toward me at this very moment. I had a vision of a shark clamping its fearsome jaws down upon my leg, even though sharks aren’t known for spending a lot of time in rivers.
We got behind the boat and pushed.
It wouldn’t budge.
“Push harder,” said Henrietta, not helpfully.
We pushed harder. Roger and I were dumbasses but not weaklings, so the boat was really stuck. How long did it take for leeches to affix themselves to you? If I saw an electric eel approaching, would I be able to scramble back into the boat before it zapped me?
“It’s not moving,” I said.
Percival sighed. “Are you really going to make me send Ignacio out there to help?”
“You didn’t tell us we’d be pushing boats,” I said. “If we’d known that, we would’ve practiced.”
Roger flinched and stepped away from the boat, splashing some water.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing. I don’t think it was anything.”
“Was it an electric eel?”
“It may have been a fish. It didn’t try to skeletonize my leg so it’s fine. C’mon, let’s try again.”
We pushed as hard as we could. The boat shifted just a bit. We didn’t relent in our efforts, and as we shouted various inspirational things to show each other that we could succeed in this endeavor, the boat came loose. I lost my balance and fell forward into the river.
Roger helped me up. I thanked him and spat out some nasty tasting water.
“Uhhhh, you....you’ve kind of got a...” he said, looking at my face with a bit of concern.
There was something on my cheek. I touched it. It was slimy. There’d been nothing slimy on my cheek before I fell into the water.
“I’d better not have a leech on my face,” I said.
“You have a leech on your face,” Roger confirmed.
“Don’t pull it off,” said Ignacio. “Get back in the boat.”
Roger and I climbed back into the boat. I’d gone through much scarier experiences than having a leech from the Sawchan River stuck to my face, so I wasn’t going to panic quite yet. I sat down while Roger, Ignacio, Henrietta, and Percival stared at me. Percival took out his phone and pointed it at himself.
“Andrew Mayhem currently has a rather large leech attached to his face,” he narrated. “Let’s see how this all plays out, shall we?” He turned the phone toward me.
“Can I pull it off?” I asked. “I really want to pull it off.”
Ignacio shook his head. “If you pull it off, the mouth might stay attached to your face. You don’t want that. The easiest thing we can do is just let it finish sucking your blood. Once it’s done feeding it will fall off on its own. Shouldn’t take more than twenty minutes.”
“I’m not leaving this leech on for twenty minutes.”
“I know it seems scary because of all the blood-sucking that it’s doing,” said Ignacio. “But it’s really not that big of a deal. People actually pay to have leeches on their face. It should almost be relaxing.”
“It’s not relaxing.”
“Do you have to burn it off?” asked Roger.
“No, no, no,” said Ignacio. “Not unless Andrew wants us to.”
“I don’t want you to,” I said.
“I’m just going to delicately remove it. Hold still. Breathe normally.”
Percival brought his phone right up next to my face for some hot close-up leech removal action.
“And...it’s off,” said Ignacio, holding up the leech. “Look at that, you’re barely bleeding at all. Do you want to keep it as a souvenir?”
“No,” I said.
Ignacio tossed the leech into the river. “All right, crisis averted. Your face is fine, your urethra is fine, and nobody lost an arm to a caiman, so I think we can continue.”
&
nbsp; I sat down next to Roger as Henrietta started up the boat’s engine again.
“That could’ve gone way worse,” said Roger. “It could’ve been several leeches, and we could’ve had to burn them off like ticks. You could’ve been covered with leeches. They could’ve been writhing all over you. Compared to that, this wasn’t so bad.”
“Well, sure, and we could have discovered that we’re in an unexplored area where the leeches are six feet long and can eat your head in one bite. It can always be worse.”
“Maybe the leech is as bad as this trip gets.”
“My eight hours in jail were worse than the leech. Have you really forgotten about my jail experience already? We’re just gonna skip right past that?”
“I meant that maybe the leech is as bad as this trip gets, starting from when you got the leech on your face.”
“I bet it’s not. I bet we’ll be nostalgic for the leech. Did it improve my complexion, though?”
“Oh yeah,” said Roger. “Your skin has never looked better. It honestly makes me want to dunk my head in the water right now.”
Henrietta drove the boat a lot more slowly now, to avoid another incident. Before too much longer, I was able to go back to appreciating the beauty of the rainforest. I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to walking around in it, but it was nice seeing it on each side of the river. Natural, unspoiled beauty. No houses. No billboards. If I were the kind of guy who felt the need to get in touch with his primal state, this would be the place to do it.
No cell phone reception. That part was less appealing.
“What the hell is that?” I asked, pointing up ahead.
“What?” asked Percival.
“That. Way up there on the right.”
“Ah. That thing. I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“It looks like the opposite of nothing,” I said. “It looks like a body.”
“I assure you that it’s not really...all right, yes, it does indeed look like a body,” said Percival.
As we got closer, it became increasingly clear that there was a dead body tied to a wooden pole, sort of like a scarecrow. It wore no clothing. Though it wasn’t a skeleton, the body had no skin, just red meat.
“Should I just keep going and pretend we didn’t see this?” asked Henrietta. “Or do you want me to stop at the shore so you morbid fuckers can get a closer look?”
A quick vote was made in favor of stopping at the shore, though I’m pretty sure Percival would have overruled all of us had the vote not gone his way. Henrietta pulled over to the riverbank, and everybody but her hopped out of the boat.
The body was bound to the stick with brown rope, once around the waist and once around the neck. Its stomach was hollowed out, with no internal organs in sight. Its hair and eyes were gone. Its mouth was wide open. Enough of it was left to identify it as a male.
“It’s like his skin was flayed off,” I said.
“Or perhaps birds or insects consumed it,” said Percival.
“They wouldn’t just eat the top layer and leave the rest,” I said, as if I had any expertise about the feeding habits of birds and insects upon dead human bodies.
“How long do you think it’s been there?” asked Roger. “I mean, it’s not glistening or anything, but you’d think meat would disappear quickly around here. It should at least be covered with ants.”
“Perhaps it was treated with something,” said Ignacio. “Or contaminated.”
“Whoever left it here didn’t want nature to clean it up too quickly,” I said. “It’s obviously a warning sign to turn back. Hey, I have a great idea! Let’s listen to the warning sign.”
“We don’t know that it’s a warning,” said Percival.
“It’s a skinless corpse tied to a pole on the riverbank. Of course it’s a warning.”
“It doesn’t mean we’re being told to turn around. It’s just as likely that those who gaze upon the body are being warned not to engage in the same behavior for which he was punished. Maybe he’s a murderer or a thief.”
“Maybe he is,” I admitted. “But if we think the message could be ‘Turn back or the same thing will happen to you,’ shouldn’t we go with that interpretation, just to be safe?”
“I’m not going to give up because of one corpse on display. If you’re saying it’s been somehow preserved, it could’ve been there for years. The people who placed it there could be long gone. We’re not tourists; we’re searching for a treasure worth millions of dollars. I never imagined that I’d be traveling with such cowards.”
“I have a wife and five kids,” I said. “You promised that this was going to be a safe trip, but I’m standing here looking at a skinless corpse tied to a pole. This is way outside the scope of our agreement. I’m done.”
“Fine,” said Percival. “We will forge onward without you.”
“Take me back.”
“No. We’d lose too much time. We’re already behind schedule.”
“Take us back,” said Roger.
“I will be more than happy to leave you here by the corpse if you wish,” said Percival. “And if you can somehow magically get cell phone reception, you can call somebody to come pick you up. Or you can hike back. Or swim. I don’t care. But I am not turning back, so you can either come along, or stay here with your new dead friend.”
I wanted to punch him in the face. But I didn’t know how Ignacio or Henrietta would respond to that, and if they were totally on Team Percival because he was the guy signing the checks, Roger and I could end up stranded out here.
“You’re a dick,” I told him.
“You’re not the first to say it, and you won’t be the last.”
“Actually, if we get slaughtered because we ignored the very blatant warning, I will be the last. You’re a piece of crap. Why don’t we record a new video right now so I can share my honest opinion of you with your viewers?”
“You’ll get over it,” said Percival. “The money will make it easy to forgive.”
“And having my skin scraped off will make it more difficult.”
“Enough talk. We need to resume our journey. Are you getting on the boat, or staying here?”
I glared at him and walked toward the boat. Everybody climbed back on board, and Henrietta turned on the motor again. I wanted to slam myself down to show just how angry I was, but I didn’t want to injure myself, so I sat down normally but kept a scowl on my face.
Of course we were in mortal danger! Of course! Why would I have ever thought otherwise? Why would I have believed for one second that this ridiculous trip to the Amazon River might not be fraught with frickin’ peril? It was never going to happen any other way.
I couldn’t blame Roger. I’d dragged him into plenty of nightmarish situations. This was all on Percival and my own inability to recognize that guys with my track record did not fly down to South America for a treasure hunt, no matter how vast the potential reward.
When we went around the river bend, there was another skinless body on a pole.
“Are you kidding me?” I asked, as Henrietta stopped the engine and just let the current carry us forward.
“I’m not going to lie and say this isn’t troubling,” Percival admitted. “But for the amount of treasure that awaits us, I’m willing to feel uneasy.”
“What if it’s cannibals?” Roger asked.
“Don’t be racist,” Percival told him.
“How is that racist?”
“You’re assuming that South American natives living in the rainforest are uncivilized cannibals. It’s a racist, xenophobic perspective.”
“We’ve sailed past two skinned corpses!”
“Were there any bites taken out of them?”
“I didn’t check the remaining flesh for teeth marks,” said Roger. “But when you see skinned corpses tied to poles on the side of the river, I don’t think cannibalism is such a stretch. It’s not racist. It would be racist if we went into a South American restaurant and asked if they served human flesh.
It’s racist to look at a Chinese person and assume that they eat dogs, but if you watch somebody eat a dog, it’s no longer racist to call them a dog-eater. Maybe I shouldn’t have assumed they were cannibals. I take it back. But they’re clearly anti-social as hell!”
“Fair enough,” said Percival.
“Can we turn around now?” I asked.
“Not a chance. If one skinned body won’t scare me away, a second one isn’t going to do it, either. I maintain that we’re in absolutely no danger. And we have plenty of weapons.”
“Then let’s take out those weapons and pass them around,” I said. “I’ll take the grenade launcher if you’ve got one.”
Percival shook his head. “I’m not going to hand guns out to everybody on the boat. That would go terribly awry. Only Ignacio will be armed.”
I looked over at Ignacio. “Do you have a joke about that?”
“I do, but everybody is tense right now so I’ll save it for later.” He crouched down, unzipped a long duffel bag, and took out a rifle. “I’m a good shot,” he assured us.
“What kinds of things have you shot?” I asked.
“Targets, cans...in one of the videos I shot into the air to scare off a lion.”
“Did you hit the air?”
“I’m not going to let anything happen to you. You’re as safe here as you are on a roller coaster, and you’re safer on a roller coaster than you are in your own home. That sounds like a made-up fact but it’s true. Roller coasters are very safe.”
“Start the engine again,” Percival told Henrietta. “If we spend all day gaping at skinned bodies we’ll never make it to our destination.”
Henrietta started the engine and we sped past Skinned Body #2.
Around the next curve, there was another pole. This one had a very large burlap sack hanging from it.
“I bet it’s full of heads,” I said.
“It’s not full of heads,” said Percival.
“The bulges do kind of make it look like it could be full of heads,” said Henrietta.