“No problem, I’ll help y’all.”
I tap my fingers on the surface and look around the empty space. Nobody is in here but then it does close early on a Wednesday and it’s almost at that time.
“Let’s see here,” he says and walks around the desk. I watch as he boots up an ancient computer, uses his own log in and opens email. He types in her details at a snail’s pace and we all wait with bated breath to see if there’s anything there.
My breath catches in my throat.
They’re all there. Every single one, month after month for the past eight years.
Delaware moves so I can scroll through them faster. Every update has my heart clenching but it’s the first one that has me dying inside.
“Oh my God,” I breathe and look at the email, in response to Mee-maw who sent one first asking for information on my child. It’s very impersonal and informal. Is she speaking with an official or an adopted relative? It doesn’t say which makes this more confusing. “She never left Texas.”
She was in Paducah, a small town in Cottle County after being abandoned at four months old. Who the fuck did she live with for those four months before she was abandoned?
Did nobody notice that their family members had a kid one day and not the next?
I forward every email to Webber as I read and we all crowd around the screen.
Felicia searches on her phone and sure enough there’s an article, just a small one, in Paducah News about a baby abandoned at the church. She was unharmed and well-dressed, but nobody ever came forward for her.
“That would have been when Righteous Hill was burned to the fucking ground,” I say, jaw trembling. I don’t clarify that it was me who burned it. Kane knows for the most part. I didn’t know how else to get the authorities there to crack that place wide open. “Webber said it might happen and said that would be best-case scenario because any kids reported abandoned at that time were DNA matched to potential parents. But she was abandoned in a town too small to make the mainstream media.” I wipe away my tears on my wrist. “She could have been with me this entire time!”
“This isn’t your fault,” Kane promises.
“How did Mee-maw know? How did she know this was my kid? How?”
“There’s a picture,” Felicia says so softly I almost don’t hear her. “She’s so beautiful.”
I rip the phone from her hand and stare at the grainy news article photo. A sob gets stuck in my throat as I finally get to lay my eyes on the being that has always carried the biggest part of me. The photo quality is shockingly bad but I can tell she’s smiling. She has the biggest cheeks, just like I did when I was a baby. This gives me hope that she was loved, and they abandoned her because they were scared of going to prison and not because they didn’t want her.
How could anybody not want her?
“Mee-maw has been in touch with whoever this is for years.” I can’t handle this truth. “Why did she get to know all of this and I didn’t? How did she know?”
Kane stares ferociously at the screen as he continues forwarding the emails. It’s not until he gets to one dated two years ago that he stops. It’s the last email. “What do we do now? We know what city she is likely in; it won’t be hard to find her adoptive parents.”
“Where is she?” West asks, leaning closer so he can see. “Austin? She’s been on our fucking doorstep this entire time?”
“I need a minute,” I say, pushing my seat back and walking away. I feel like my insides are twisting and turning. I want to vomit but I also want to collapse. This is too much.
“We found her,” Kane whispers, coming up behind me. “We found her. It’s over. She’ll be with us soon.”
“No she won’t,” I breathe, soaking my wrist with more tears.
“She will.”
“No she won’t!” I yell, turning on him so fast my head keeps spinning for long after I’ve stopped. “She won’t, because she was probably legally adopted by a family who likely loves her and it won’t be in her best interests to be taken from them. Mee-maw was right, Webber was right. That child will never be anything more than our biological fucking daughter and we won’t be allowed even a fraction of her.”
“That’s not true,” Kane argues, and Felicia opens her mouth, probably to agree.
“I’m not tearing her from the only family she has ever known to come and live with the likes of me.” I hug myself, feeling defeated and devastated. “Those emails tell me one thing, she’s happy. Why would I want to destroy that? Why would you?”
“Because she’s my daughter that I never got to know.”
“That’s probably for the best.”
“Hey,” West barks. “You’re upset, no need to start gettin’ nasty. Not with each other.”
“I can’t deal with this,” I admit, turning away again. “I just… I need to go for a walk.”
“She’s kinda right though,” I hear Felicia mutter as I walk towards the exit. “Can you imagine being that kid in this situation?”
I don’t wait to hear their answers, I shove open the heavy wooden door and step into the ridiculously hot summer air.
Immy: We found her Marshall. We fucking found her.
Marshall: Fuck me… you’re kidding right?
Immy: Nope. She lives in Austin as far as we can tell and she’s good at building shit just like her daddy. The updates we read on her are vague… it’s too complicated to put into text. Now we’ve just got to wait for Webber to make his move. My heart is fucking breaking here.
Marshall: Why? This is great news!
Immy: Because I’m about to lose her all over again and we all know it.
Marshall: No you ain’t. Have hope. You got this far. Fate wouldn’t be this cruel to you now.
Immy: Wouldn’t it?
Marshall: Do you need me to call or do you need your space right now?
Immy: Space.
Marshall: I’ll call in an hour.
“Immy,” Kane calls after me. “Immy, stop. I ain’t chasin’ you. Fuckin’ tired of chasin’ you. Spent too much of my life chasin’ you.”
“Then stop!”
“Naw, cause the past eight years have proven you ain’t gonna chase me back!” He grabs my arm and spins me to face him. “Eight years and you still haven’t grown for shit. You need to be strong now. You need to get your shit together.”
“I’m trying!”
People look our way and it reminds me all too much of my teen years. Maybe he’s right.
“Try fuckin’ harder because I need you right now too.” His angry, sad, pleading eyes come to mine. “I ain’t got it in me to be strong enough for the both of us. Not right now. Need you to meet me half way.”
My heart shatters as I look into the eyes of a desperate father looking for all the same answers as me. He’s right. I’m being a brat.
I wrap my arms around his waist. “I don’t want to have to make the choice, Kane. I don’t want to have to give her up on purpose.”
“Maybe we won’t have to.” His blue eyes shine with emotion that he only ever shows me. “Keep it together, okay? We just gotta wait. That’s all. We just gotta be patient.”
“Yeah,” I agree and he holds me so tight around the waist my feet dangle above ground. “Ain’t nobody loved a boy as much as I love you, Kane Jessop.”
“Damn straight.” He crushes his lips to mine and follows it with his tongue.
I hum against him, letting my tears soak his cheeks, letting his strength hold me together as mine does the same for him.
“I got savings, I got a house, you got a business and money from your mee-maw. We can get hitched, we can make this work and make them see we are fit to be her parents. It doesn’t have to go the way you said. She’s young, she’ll adapt. I moved in with my daddy age eight after a lifetime of shit from my mom, I adapted, ended up happier.” He kisses me again, this time it’s brief. “We don’t know her circumstances so don’t you dare be a pussy and throw in the towel.”
I growl with frustration. “I fucking hate it when you’re right.”
He laughs and I smile at the sound.
“I don’t know why you still want me, Kane Jessop. I’m a mess.”
“Naw, you’re just a little crispy around the edges is all. We’ll shed that layer and get to the tender parts. You’ll see. Shit, the way you’ve been this past week I’d say we’re halfway there.”
This time it’s me who laughs. I’ve never been compared to fried chicken before. “You reckon?”
“I reckon.” He tips my head back and smiles at my lips. “Come on, I want to show you somethin’.”
“Will it make me feel less sick?”
“I hope so.”
West and Felicia appear in my peripheral.
“Y’all ready to talk now?” Felicia asks gently. “We need the full story.”
West hums his agreement while standing there with his arms folded and his eyes guarded.
“Later guys, give us an hour or two. The truth ain’t goin’ nowhere,” Kane replies, tucking me under his arm.
“How about I cook us all a dinner, you join us at five and we eat together and talk then?” Felicia suggests and I have to admit it’s a good idea.
“I’ll pick up a crate of beer.”
“I’ll bring gin,” I add as Kane steers me away.
“See you at five,” the father of my almost found child calls and leads me to the car. He kisses my temple, a sweet gesture, and takes my keys so he can drive.
He kept my bike. After all these years, Kane Jessop kept my bike in his garage. Not only did he keep it, but he also fixed it and kept it tuned and ran it around every month or so.
Mounting it now brings back so many amazing memories. This bike gave me the kind of freedom I never got to taste as a child. It was the ultimate rebellion. Well, that is until I got pregnant.
I can’t contain my smile as I relive the feel of the beast purring between my thighs. Kane sits behind me, he was never a damsel in distress type where he needed to be the one to drive. He held onto me as I rode through town. He gave me that power and he kicked the shit out of anyone who mocked him for it.
Remembering how empowered Kane Jessop always made me feel, just further drills in the fact that this once very vicious and nasty boy would be such an incredible dad to a little girl we never got to raise.
He never once told me he’s a man so he should do XYZ. Not once. He only ever told me I could do anything I fucking wanted. Including riding on a Harley too big for me that I didn’t even have a proper license for. He had that much faith in my abilities.
I climb off the bike, feeling emotionally overloaded, and then I climb back on but this time I’m facing him. I kiss him, deep and desperate, powerful and damaged. I cling to his shoulders and lose myself in his flavor, wishing I went back all those years ago and lived through this hell with him by my side. Wishing I hadn’t carried this pain alone.
“Promise me you’re not going to do something stupid if this doesn’t go the way we want,” Kane whispers, leaning back and I know exactly what he’s saying. “Only just got you back. If you fuckin’ die now… I’m followin’ you. You feel me?”
Nodding, I kiss him again and push his jacket off his arms. “I promise.”
His enthusiasm for touching me increases at my words and he lifts us both off the mounted bike and starts to strip.
Laughing tearfully, I remove my clothes right there with him, marveling at his incredible body that is covered in such amazing tattoos that highlight the grooves of his muscles and strength.
“I ain’t never leaving you again, Kane Jessop,” I promise when he straddles the bike and pulls me onto his lap. I rock against his length which is hot and trapped between us, soaking the length of him in my juices until he’s slick enough to slide inside and bring such incredible pleasure to us both. I moan, a genuine sound as a result of so many fucking tingles that him being inside of me brings.
“I’m not,” he corrects in jest, poking fun of me picking up his accent and the way he talks.
“Did somebody call the grammar police? Do I hear sirens?”
Laughing, he bites my lip and with his hands on my hips, he guides my rhythm while his thick, rough thumb rolls over my clit. It’s incredible.
I bounce a little, moving up and down, clenching the walls of my sex around him. We both get lost in it, grunting and groaning as our pleasure rises and our movements get more frantic. We seek to get more of the good stuff, terrified if we stop for even a second we’ll lose this torturous wave of euphoria.
I grip him tight and choke as my orgasm which started in my womb, invades my entire body and rewrites my brain. He follows, holding my hips still as he pulses and throbs inside of me, desperate to seat himself in as deep as he can conquer. Problem is he’s huge, and as deep as he wants is just a bit too deep for me to handle.
With a smack to his shoulder, I adjust my position and bite his ear. “Let me go you giant.”
“Nope,” he rebuts with a mischievous smile.
“I need to shower. So do you.”
He chuckles and allows me my freedom, then follows me into the house, smacking my bare ass full force which makes me shriek in pain and run for dear life so he can’t do it again.
2 Weeks Later
I can’t take it anymore. I’ve waited a lifetime… my kid’s lifetime… to finally meet her. I haven’t been allowed to see photographs; I haven’t been allowed to hear her voice. Because a judge has ruled that she needs a DNA test to prove we are the parents. Webber is supervising it, so he gets to meet her before we do and it just feels so unfair.
I’m not waiting anymore. Kane is trying to keep me grounded but I can’t do this.
Which is why at noon I mount my bike. I am not going to approach her. I just want to see her. I just want to look at her.
I need to look at her. I mean how many schools are there in Austin anyway?
Google tells me there are a lot of schools in Austin. Google tells me there are a lot of schools everywhere. Will I know her if I see her? What if I don’t drive to the right one?
“Where do you think you’re going?” Kane asks, doing the belt of his jeans that are hanging low on his hips. “Sneaking off during my nap.”
“I wasn’t sneaking, I just wanted to go for a ride.”
He raises a thick brow and smirks at me while leaning against the door jam. His arm muscles bulge with strength when he folds them across his chest. “You can’t lie to me.”
I huff and yank off my helmet. “I was just gonna ride, Kane. Leave it.”
“You’re defensive.”
“Yeah because suddenly I need your permission to go for a ride.”
He chuckles like I’m hilarious which I absolutely am not. Then he sobers and his look is one of understanding. “We’ve gotta wait, Babe. We’ve gotta do this the right way.”
I open my mouth to argue but then my phone rings at the exact same time the doorbell goes.
I scramble for my phone and Kane takes my bike keys before heading to the door.
“Webber,” I say, keeping my tone firm.
“Your man there with you?” His tone sounds entirely too upbeat.
I inwardly chant, please be good news, please be good news.
“Just a sec,” I rush out of the garage and into the house, shrugging off my jacket and dropping the heavy clothing on the wood floor behind me. “KANE!”
“Poppy’s here,” Kane calls back and I hear the door close.
“It’s Webber. He has news.”
Kane appears in the kitchen where I stop, faster than I’ve ever seen him move.
I put it on loudspeaker as Poppy enters behind him, looking curiously at my phone on the countertop. I look at my phone and add so Webber understands, “Our closest friend Poppy is here but you’re free to talk.”
“Hi there folks. Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I can only go as fast as I can get the information.”
“It’s cool, lay
it on us,” Kane insists, his mind is on the edge, I can see it in his eyes.
“We got the confirmation,” Webber states clearly and my heart starts thudding against my ribcage.
Poppy pulls herself up onto the other counter, hands ringing in front of her. She’s been as invested in this since we told her around ten days ago. Kane said I needed a friend in my corner and he was right. She has been every bit the rock we knew she would be. I wish I’d confided in her all those years ago but I guess in my warped, fucked up brain I made a lot of mistakes I’d do again now.
“She’s yours, guys. Her DNA matches ninety-nine-point-eight percent.”
I’m trembling. This is the news I’ve been needing to hear.
“So, can we meet her? Have her adoptive parents been notified?”
Kane wraps his arm around my waist and Poppy grins at us both, her own excitement evident.
Webber clears his throat. “Well about that.”
“More waiting,” I grumble.
“There was always gonna be a waiting period but… I have good news and bad news.”
Kane tenses. “Just let us have it, no need for a buildup.”
“She was adopted, as we first suspected, and moved to Austin as we already knew. But…”
“But?” I prompt, wondering why he’s pausing and making me suffer.
“She was given up to the state when she was five,” he continues sadly. “Apparently she was an unruly child—”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Kane snarls and I calm him with a hand on his chest as my own smile fades.
“Truthfully, looking at the records, her adoptive parents got pregnant. I think that had a lot to do with their decision.”
It’s like they thought she was a fucking dog or something. Not that a dog deserves that fate, but it’s exactly what people do, they get pregnant and get rid of their adopted dog.
“And they were allowed to keep their baby after abandoning a child they swore to love and protect?” Poppy snaps also agitated now.
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