Certain I would vomit and sob uncontrollably, I ran from the restaurant and through the district, and my thoughts swirled with remembrances of the night I had run away from Jack as he had morphed into an Eater for the first time. Now I was running from his infidelity, from the broken heart he was so carelessly creating in me. I didn’t just feel betrayed, I felt like the whole world had conspired to make sure my suffering was the biggest any human had ever borne. I knew that wasn’t true, but in both my lives, I had never hurt like this. Not when I had died prematurely in a tsunami, not when I had found out Jack was a genetically engineered monster. My first life had known plenty of heartache as I had watched the planet die slowly from self-inflicted climate change, and I had known pain when, in this life, innocent people had lost their lives to the cruelly made Eaters. But this …
“Hey lady, come here!” A grating voice with an accent I couldn’t place called to me through my haze of pain. Another poorly dressed man was standing outside what might have been a drug den, in front of him a plethora of chemicals that could take away my pain in an instant. I recalled that calming drug I had been given upon first awakening in the Facility, and wondered if he was selling anything similar. My feet went over to him of their own accord, and I was about to respond to him when thoughts of Lulu entered my clouded brain. I had to pick her up from school, and the slap of reality shook me out of my zombified state. I wouldn’t shirk my duties as a mother, no matter what. Jack might have just broken my heart beyond all repair, but I still had a daughter to attend to.
I hurried back to the train, avoiding several young women who walked along the street giving me odd looks. They know, I thought. They must know I’ve just found my husband cheating on me … but what had I really seen? I had seen him talking to that strange woman, and it had seemed intimate, but … I shook my head. I couldn’t doubt what I had seen, I was a scientist and proof was proof. I boarded the train, numb now. I’d pick up Lulu, and after that, I had no idea what I’d do. So it was one foot in front of the other for now, to ensure my sanity was intact for the sake of my daughter.
As the train left the Eros District, I felt a lightening in my soul. Being there had leached some of my hope, but as we rocketed toward the center of the city, I felt saner. Whatever came next, I could handle it. I sniffed my tunic to make sure I didn’t reek of vomit or urine and felt confident no one would know where I’d been. Surely the Super Moms wouldn’t know. I almost laughed at what their reaction would be to my dilemma. Delight probably, and disgust.
At Lulu’s school, I made it off the train on semi-strong legs, a smile pasted on my face. Lulu was waiting outside, Caitlin next to her. I felt grateful again at this new friendship, and wondered if I’d ever get to have dinner with her parents, who had been kind enough to trust Jack and me.
“Hey, Owl. Let’s get out of here and go home,” I called to Lulu, hoping my voice was steady. But her brown eyes were wary as she approached me. I was turning my head back and forth, alert for the approach of the Super Moms, but they were nowhere to be seen. I breathed a sigh of relief at this small salvation.
“What’s wrong Mommy? You look weird.” I knew she’d sense something was amiss, and I didn’t try to mask my pain. Instead, I lied.
“One of the forest elephants got sick today, and I’m just worried about her,” I said, leaning down to kiss the top of her dark head. Her brow furrowed, and she grabbed my hand. The contact was comforting. “Will she be ok?” Lulu loved all the animals she’d come to know, and their well-being was as important to her as it was to me and my team. “We’ll do our very best to make her better,” I said, relieved to see my lie was being accepted without question. Leading her away from the crowd of parents and kids and back to the train, I forced myself to engage her in conversation about her day at school. I let her banter slide over my wounded brain like a salve, and shut off my other emotions.
We were back at our condo in no time, and I thought maybe I had blacked out and lost time. But Lulu was still talking a mile a minute. I ordered the door open, and she dropped her bag and sprinted to the kitchen for a snack. Jack would be home soon, I realized, and it was my turn to prepare the meal. I had to act as if nothing had happened, and I wasn’t that good an actress. He’d sense something was wrong. That is, if he cared enough to notice, I thought, thinking of the beautiful woman he’d been so engaged with.
“Mom?” came Lulu’s high voice, and her gaze had grown intent once more. She was standing in front of me; somehow I had crossed the hardwood floor of the entryway and gone to stand in front of the window in the living room. It wasn’t open, and so I was staring at the faux wood paneling that kept the condo shielded from the outside.
“I’m fine Little Owl, just worried. Let’s think of something interesting to make for Daddy tonight.” It was a favorite activity for her, thinking of elaborate gourmet meals that challenged my limited abilities in cooking. But her brow remained furrowed as we set about flavoring and roasting vegetables and pseudo-meat.
I decided that after dinner, when Lulu had gone to bed, I would confront Jack with what I had seen. I couldn’t go through the motions anymore, pretending things were somehow alright. And if he had an explanation for what I had seen, I wanted to hear it. I wanted to see on his face if he was lying or not, and I’d know where to go from there. I’d know what path to take, and even if heartache lay at the end of that road, I’d still have my daughter and my work. And that would have to be enough.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Eating was a tense affair, but I’d turned on the surround sound music system to deflect away from the uncomfortable silences, to help Lulu have the sense that all was still well with her parents. She wasn’t fooled, and her round brown eyes remained grave. She would look from my face to Jack’s. He was off and far away in his own thoughts, barely speaking to us. I attempted to engage him in mundane banter, but knowing I’d be confronting him later made it feel awkward. The soothing strains of Bach and Mozart reverberated throughout the elegant hallways of our condo, but I remained tense. Jack was massaging his shoulders and neck, and my alarm was growing. He had done the same thing the night he had first morphed into an Eater, and although we were sitting around the gleaming mahogany table eating delicious food, that violent, primal night hung like a pall over my memories.
Without any urging, Lulu began clearing the tables and carrying them to the dishwashing machine, which completed its task within mere moments. I still sat in my seat, watching Jack watch the projection screen, which showed Facilities around the world displaying their new weapons technology. If he was interested, I couldn’t tell, but my heart began to race at the thought of the conversation I would force him to have with me. He wouldn’t trust me anymore once he found I’d tracked him through the city to the Eros District, but I had to get it out into the open. Lulu grabbed my hand, and said, “Mom? Come brush my hair before bed?” And I couldn’t turn her down. On her petite bed, looking around the room Jack and I had decorated together, I slowly ran the thick brush through her gleaming locks. She didn’t question my silence, instead leaning into my brushstrokes and matching my silence. Jack used to brush my hair like this, I recalled, and doubted he ever would again. Tucking Lulu in, I whispered a good-night. She dutifully closed her eyes, but I wondered if she’d actually sleep tonight. The atmosphere was far too tense, and she was a miniature conduit for high emotion.
I walked back into the living room where Jack was sitting, massaging his hands through his thick brown hair. I stood in front of him to get his attention, took a deep breath, and launched ahead.
“Jack, we need to talk.”
His eyes, shadowed by dark circles and lacking their usual luster, rested on my face but showed no surprise.
“I knew you’d want to at some point. I’m surprised you didn’t come to me sooner though, kid. You always bottle up your feelings and wait till the last minute, don’t you?”
“Let’s not make this about me. Please, look at me. Not the news. It can wait.
”
He sighed, and muted the screen with a silent command from his mind. His hand traveled to the base of his neck and massaged there again. But he kept his attention on me, and bolstering courage I blurted out, “I followed you to the Eros District today. I bought a tracking device and put it in your cereal. You’ve been so distant lately, not at all like yourself, and I needed to know what it was. What was wrong with you. And I was right. I saw you there, with that woman who was in the forest with you the night we darted you. I could never forget her face. How could you? How could you do that to Lulu, to me, to the people who rely on you?” I was breathing heavily now, holding back tears. I would not let myself become a shrieking harpy. I was better than that.
Jack sighed again, and shifted on the couch. He didn’t seem at all surprised, nor betrayed. He seemed resigned.
“If I explained what was happening, would you even believe me?” His voice was weary, as if expecting my response to be in the negative.
“I would try very hard to believe you, because you’ve never given me any reason not to trust you. Ever. In either of our lives, you’ve always been one of the most loyal people I’ve ever known. So please, tell me. What were you doing with her?” I sat down next to him; looming over him wasn’t conducive to the talk we were about to have. I was preparing myself for a full confession of his love affair, and my knees were weak.
“Her name is Alyssa, and yes, she was with me in the forest. She was with me a lot when we were in Eater form, because she was my hunting partner. Mina, I’m remembering everything that happened to me, in my dreams and when I’m awake. Alyssa has been helping me to remember, and I’ve been helping her. I wish we didn’t want to know, to relive those horrible memories. But I have to, we have to. You’ve got to understand, we need to know what we did when we were those … things.”
His head was in his hands now, his voice muffled. But my heart began to feel a slice of hope again. If they were meeting to remember, well then maybe it truly had been innocent.
“How are you remembering? After … what happened, the Facility said you likely wouldn’t. And you had horrible dreams you’d wake up from but you’d never remember those dreams. What’s changed?” I reached out to grab his hands and feel their warmth, hoping the contact would help us both.
“I killed people and ate them, Mina. I remember every detail now, and Alyssa helps me fill in the missing pieces. And I do the same for her. She was a scientist, too, like us. After the Travelers left, she tried to go back to her job. But they wouldn’t have her, so she ended up becoming an escort in the Eros District. She’s a clone like we are, and she has no friends, no family. She’s alone in this city with only me to talk to. You have to understand, we were only trying to help each other.” He was looking at me directly now, and I searched his eyes, seeing the love there. And it was love for me, not another. But I wouldn’t rest just yet, I needed to know more.
“You’ve been sleeping so quietly lately, I thought there were no more dreams. How is it you’re remembering everything, what triggered it?”
“I have no idea, but my muscles have been aching, too. Not as bad as they once did, when I was morphing into an Eater. But it’s familiar. In my sleep, I become that creature again and taste the blood, the flesh of those people I killed. I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t remind you I had been a murderer and now I’m remembering being a murderer. Because how could you love me if you knew the awful things I did?” His voice broke, and I let his head fall into my lap. I understood now. He was wounded, and hadn’t wanted to burden his family. So he’d gone off on his own, brave and uncertain, to find answers away from us. It all began to click into place for me, and I berated myself for not putting the pieces together sooner. He had been suffering, right in front of me, and all I had cared about was if he was faithful or not.
“I’m so sorry … I’m so sorry I didn’t know, didn’t see you were in pain again. I cared about my job, about having our daughter be accepted into society, and you were here, needing my help. I failed you, not the other way around.” I buried my face in his hair, inhaling the woodsy scent of him. We sat that way for a few minutes, reconnecting. I could feel our hearts begin to mend, now that things were out in the open. But now I worried for Jack on a whole new level. Why was he remembering his time as an Eater now? Breaking the silence, I said, “So this connection with Alyssa, it’s helping you to fill in all the blanks. I get that. But why now? What set off the memories?”
“We’re trying to figure that out. We’re afraid, kid. We’re afraid the Facility didn’t fix us, and that we’ll turn into monsters again. I can’t lose you, I can’t lose Lulu. This second chance we’ve been given is a miracle, and it can’t be taken away from us.” He was sitting up now, and I was resting my head on his shoulder. The soft light of the city spilled in through the open window, and the images on the screen played out silently.
“Whatever is going on with you, I’m here. I’m not going to leave you,” I assured him. “Don’t be afraid to tell me these things. I understand you going to Alyssa, but your bond with her is not something I can understand or share. You have to know it worries me.” He nodded in understanding.
“She’s just a friend, an old war buddy. But now that you know, maybe you can call Eva and tell her what we’ve been experiencing. Other clones who morphed may be having the same problems.”
I nodded, and promised to bring it up with Eva as soon as possible.
“What do we tell Lulu? She’s been so worried, but you know her. She keeps a brave face and doesn’t let on when she knows something is wrong,” I said. I looked over my shoulder toward her room. I hoped she was asleep, and not awake worrying about us.
“I think we tell her the truth. She’s always been a little adult in a kid’s body. She’s resilient, like her mother.” He smiled at this, for the first time in a long time, a spark lighting up his face. I stroked his cheek, feeling the stubble there. We were gazing at each other like teenagers in love again when a light flashed across the projection screen. It was a breaking news story, and I frowned. Jack turned away from me to look, and ordered the volume up with a quick thought command. The newscaster’s face appeared before the backdrop of a city unknown to me that was smoking and partially in rubble. A few people milled about in the background, their expressions shell-shocked and streaked with grime.
“A bomb was set off here on Continent Four in the capital city of Pacifica. A faction of fighters protesting the recent election were able to steal an incendiary device from the nearby Facility. The weapon used was made of the new gravitational disruptor technology, only recently developed. The death toll stands in the thousands. Pacifica is a quiet city, its inhabitants devoted to maintaining peace, and so this attack is especially unexpected. Please stay here with us as more information becomes available.”
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