One step at a time.
He’d get more mobility and strength. God willing, he’d walk without the cane again. He’d stand on his own two feet. He wouldn’t worry that he’d stumble, fall, and make a fool of himself.
He’d be able to do a hell of a lot more than sit there and hold on to a woman while she rode him. Not that he minded. In fact, he’d gotten so lost in Adria, the triumph of being able to make love to her evaporated under the overwhelming pleasure he found in her.
Pleasure and joy like he’d never experienced.
He’d longed to feel even one tenth as good as she made him feel last night.
But the point was, the physical therapy would allow him to move the way he wanted.
He could actually help his brothers on the ranch.
He wouldn’t feel useless.
“Are you going to tell me what happened between you and Adria?”
Drake shook off his thoughts and stared at Dr. Porter, who came up on his screen and demanded an answer without a hello or any other benign conversation to start things off.
They spoke three times a week, but Drake asked for this call, knowing Dr. Porter hadn’t supported what he and Adria agreed to do for each other. He wanted Dr. Porter to know the unconventional “therapy” worked. He didn’t want Dr. Porter to think he’d used Adria, because it had been the most intimate and mutual exchange he’d ever experienced.
Drake opened his mouth, but closed it before any words came out.
“Did you hear what she revealed about her past? I admit her tactic for making you see that others have suffered and survived and moved on was a great way to shock you out of your head and make you take a look at yourself in a new way. But, Drake, you have to know that what she proposed could be detrimental to both of you.”
“Why? She was right. I thought the bomb took more than a chunk out of my leg. I thought the nerve and muscle damage had made it impossible for me to get it up. Melanie and I tried and failed miserably and that was the end of us. I thought I’d never be with a woman again. Never have a family. A life without sex and that kind of connection with a woman . . . What was the point? But I can.”
Dr. Porter sat back in his seat. “That’s more words than you’ve said to me in weeks. I’m glad you’re ready to talk and open up about what is going on in your life. So let’s unpack the thing with Melanie first. Do you really believe she left you because you couldn’t have sex with her?”
“It was a hell of a lot more than that. She wanted me to be me before my tours of duty. She couldn’t understand my drive to get back there and my feeling useless that I couldn’t go back and help what was left of my team. She didn’t understand my anger and why I didn’t try to get better. The more things didn’t go the way she wanted them, and I didn’t act the way she wanted, the more she backed away. When she did, I pushed her away. Our inevitable breakup began long before I got hurt. I was away for a long time, barely kept in touch, and didn’t include her in . . . most everything in my life.” He saw things better now. “She wanted a say. She wanted me to leave the past behind and move on like that.” He snapped his fingers. “When she realized it wasn’t going to happen and I was completely different . . . that was it for her. She didn’t want to give me a shot to make things better. She gave up without really trying and that just made me even angrier.”
“After what you’ve been through, it takes time.”
“She didn’t give me time to do anything. She didn’t want to hear promises she didn’t think I’d keep. She didn’t want to try. I don’t blame her. Anymore.” Which surprised him, but the hostility and anger he usually felt when he even thought about Melanie didn’t rise up inside him.
She didn’t give him a chance. She didn’t challenge him to rise to the occasion. Figuratively, or literally.
Not the way Adria pushed and didn’t accept his say-so.
She provoked him.
Why he found that so appealing, he didn’t know, but it was like a dare he couldn’t ignore.
As far as Melanie was concerned . . . “I wanted Melanie to be the same as she was before I left, too, but we were both different. Maybe I just didn’t see her for who she really was until I needed her to be something she wasn’t.”
Now that he said it, it made the most sense.
“So, it’s really over between you? Even though you now know you’re not impotent.”
That word made him cringe. “Sex wasn’t the only problem. She’s not a match for me. I’m not one for her. I see that now.” It felt good to acknowledge that and let it go.
“Do you think you and Adria are a better match?”
He didn’t know about that. “We shared something deeper than sex. It was . . . healing. For both of us. I barely know her.” What he did know intrigued him. Her strength and resilience and fight drew him in, but the empathy without pity she showed had touched him. She got him, because she understood her own pain and the limitations she put on herself because of the trauma she suffered. She wanted to help him. She wanted to help her sister. It was her nature. And that endeared her to him even more because, although he didn’t want to admit he needed help, he needed her kind of prodding and understanding to get him to act. “She’s my sister’s friend and business partner.”
“That’s two excuses you’ve made not to have a real relationship with her.”
“She made it clear that’s not what she wants either. I’m not even close to being good for someone else. I can only say I woke up this morning feeling different.”
Dr. Porter’s interest was piqued. “How so?”
“For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel stuck. I feel like I can do something and things will be different. I went to physical therapy this morning.” He’d called right when they opened and practically begged for an appointment. Now he had a standing three-day-a-week regime and a plan to work on his mobility issues.
“That’s a good start.”
“Because she made me think. I was so sure I couldn’t get it up anymore. I made myself believe it.”
“Did it ever cross your mind that you thought you deserved that kind of punishment?”
“Yes. But that didn’t make it any easier to accept. It pissed me off. It made the rest of my life look like a fucking lonely existence not worth living.”
“Drake . . .”
He held up his hand to stop the doc. “You knew I’d gone to that dark place more than once. It’s why you sent me to Jamie. But Adria made me confront something I thought was true and couldn’t be changed. So I spent some time before falling asleep last night thinking if I was wrong about that, maybe I’m wrong about what else I think I can’t do. Maybe I can, if only I’d work on getting better like everyone keeps pushing me to do. I’ve resisted because I’m a stubborn jackass and I didn’t want to try and fail.”
“Because you felt like you failed with Melanie and you didn’t want to fail at anything else?”
Damn, Doc, don’t sugarcoat it.
“It goes deeper. I thought I failed my team, her, my family.”
“Yourself?”
“Everyone. My whole life suddenly felt like a colossal fuckup.” He rubbed his hands over his face and sank deeper into the couch. “Adria saved her sister’s life, like a week ago. She brought her here to go to rehab. She’s starting a business. She lives with her past. And still she smiles and engages people. She keeps living her life, moving forward, and still finds it within herself to reach out to someone like me.”
“Someone hurting the way she’s hurting.”
“She’s got it all inside her and still . . . I don’t know . . . she survives.”
“You admire her.”
Melanie caved when things got hard.
Adria braced herself for the worst and pushed on and found a way. “Yeah, I admire the hell out of her. After what she’s been through, she still found the courage to not only help me, but to open herself to experiencing in a new way something that frightens and brings up horrible memories for her.”
<
br /> “Proving to you that you weren’t impotent had to be a lot easier for her than letting go of her dark memories and allowing herself to enjoy being with a man.”
“I wanted her to have that. I wanted to erase her past and show her something different and better. She deserves that.”
“Why did you want to give her that?” Doc really wanted to know if there was something more between him and Adria.
“She gave me back something very important in my life.” He couldn’t imagine going the rest of his life without sex and intimacy with a woman. It truly made him feel empty. And he didn’t want Adria to feel that way the rest of her life. “I wanted to show her that a man can be kind and generous and not use her. I went into it thinking I’d get nothing but having her close to me.” He’d never really held a woman and given to her without expecting it to lead to sex. But with her, he’d been all in for making it all about her.
“After what I imagine you experienced with Melanie, I can see how sharing a closeness with a woman would appeal to you.”
The feel of Adria, her smell, the push, pull, and slide of her body against his made him ache for her even now. He liked having her in his arms and pressed against his body. He’d been loath to let her go last night.
“She appeals to me on all kinds of levels. But I’m happy with the agreement we made. Right now, simple is better. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I want to focus on getting well. A relationship takes work and time and I need to dedicate myself to fixing me.”
“I take it that means you and Adria will take what you learned last night and move on.”
“While my problem seems to be fixed, I’m not so sure about hers.” Just because he got her off once didn’t mean all her problems were fixed. He imagined her nightmare would come back to haunt her. She needed more time to truly see the difference between what happened to her then and being with a man now. She’d need time to really accept that she enjoyed being with him because it felt good.
“That’s just it, Drake, her issues run deep. What happened to her left emotional scars. She needs help to resolve what happened to her.”
“I agree. Right now, she wants to try to resolve her issue with sex and intimacy by being with someone she feels she can trust—someone who is willing to make it about what she needs and giving it to her in her own time.” He didn’t literally mean sex when he said, “giving it to her.” Yes, that was part of it, but there was more. She needed patience and understanding. She needed openness and space to explore what she liked and what felt right without judgment or reprisals. She needed a willing partner, ready to act on her demands and desires, or simply stop if that’s what she needed.
“Relationships built strictly on sex never last. Do you know why?” Doc didn’t wait for his answer. “Because people have feelings and form attachments. I’m not saying men and women can’t have sex without love, but more often than not they need more. Adria’s idea of sex is something that is exploitive and bad. Having a purely sexual relationship with you without a true commitment outside of that could do more harm than good for her.”
“Look, Doc, I’m going with what she said she wants. It’s not like I don’t like her and find her attractive. I do. But she came to me with this. Lord knows there’s not a lot about me that could appeal to her.”
He turned his head to show off the scars on his face. She’d barely gotten a glimpse of the rest of him under his clothes. Add in his shit personality and anger issues and he wasn’t anyone’s idea of a hot date. “But she gave me something and asked for something in return. So long as we both accept that’s all it is, I don’t see a problem.” So long as no one else found out about it.
“I can’t tell you what to do. I can only warn you that rarely does just sex work outside of a one-night stand.”
Drake defaulted to rude behavior and slammed the laptop shut, cutting off anything more Dr. Porter wanted to discuss. Or advise him on. He didn’t want to talk about him and Adria anymore. He didn’t want to justify his behavior or choices.
Adria had a choice and she’d made it this morning when he gave her a chance to say no to seeing him again tonight. He was happy to let her lead. She could put a stop to this whenever she wanted. No harm. No foul. She’d go her way and he’d go his. Until then, why shouldn’t he enjoy himself?
It was the only part of his life working for him right now.
Chapter Fourteen
Adria opened the door and stared at Drake standing in front of her, deep lines across his forehead and bracketing his narrowed eyes.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Lots of things. Right now, living with my siblings. I tried to leave the house twice and got stopped first by Trinity and then Declan wanting to know where I was going.”
“So?”
“What am I supposed to tell them? ‘I’m going to fuck Adria’?”
She leaned her shoulder against the door frame and glared back at him.
It didn’t take him but a second to figure out how callous that sounded. “Sorry.” He sucked in a breath and let out his frustration. “I didn’t know when you thought I’d stop by and I didn’t want to make it too late because I figure you’re tired after a long day and . . . I don’t know, I thought you’d tell me to fuck off. Maybe that’s what I deserve. Dr. Porter said this was a bad idea. He thinks you’re going to fall in love with me or something, but let’s face it, that’s not likely to happen.” He swept his hand from his face down the length of him like that made any kind of sense.
She narrowed her disapproving blue eyes. “So you’ve moved on from not thinking you can ever have sex with a woman to no woman will ever love you because of the way you look?”
His head snapped back. “What? No. I don’t know. That’s not what this is. I’m not looking for . . . that.”
Neither was she, but she also didn’t want him thinking that his flawed appearance meant someone wouldn’t find him attractive and fall in love with him. “Drake. We need to talk.”
He shook his head and stepped back on his good leg to leave. “All it takes is a no.”
She reached out and gripped his shirt in her fist and pulled him forward.
Off balance, he took the step over the threshold, caught his balance with his cane, and moved the next two steps in as she tugged him inside enough to slam the door. “You said the words were stop and go.”
He raised an eyebrow, his gaze filled with confusion and a little hope.
“But first, let me set you straight. Yes, you have scars.”
He turned his head to hide his left cheek.
She reached up, took his chin, and moved his head so he looked down at her again. “But they do not make you any less than drop-dead gorgeous.”
“Are you high?”
“That’s Juliana’s favorite pastime. I get a kick out of blowing your mind.” She put her hand on his cheek. “The scars aren’t as bad as you think. They make you look dangerous. Girls like that. I love your eyes. The blue-gray is like a brewing storm. And when you saw me naked last night, the look in your eyes, so filled with want and desire . . . well, I needed that look. Badly.”
“I did want you. Then. Now.” He dropped the shopping bag he carried inside, leaned the cane against the door, and put his hands on her hips, drawing her close.
She swept her hands up his arms to his biceps. “You’re a wall of muscles.” She ran her hands up over his shoulders and down his hard chest. “All this strength, yet you touch me with such care.”
He swept his hands over the swell of her bottom and pulled her up until her hips met his.
She rocked her belly against his growing erection. “My desire and need aren’t dampened by the scars. The second I opened the door and saw your scowling, gorgeous face, all those muscles tensed along your big frame, and damn, I wanted your arms around me, your lips and tongue sliding over my skin, and you inside me, making me come apart.”
Drake let out a ragged breath at the bold erotic words she used on purpos
e to tempt him, leaned forward, and pressed his forehead to hers to look deep into her eyes. “Say it.” The words came out as a plea.
And she answered. “Go.”
He didn’t dive in like she expected. No, he cupped her face and kissed her softly, then took the kiss deeper, sweeping his tongue along hers. His arms came around her shoulders and waist and pulled her close, encircling her in all his strength. She sank into him and let go, kissing him back until they were desperate for each other.
She slipped her hands up under his dark blue T and swept her fingers up his back. She felt a couple other scars, but they didn’t stop her exploration of all those hard muscles, taut under his warm skin. She ran her fingers down his spine, gripped the edge of his shirt, and pulled it up his back.
She broke the kiss to slip the shirt over his head, but he hesitated and didn’t lean over so she could drag it off.
She went with orders. “Give it to me.”
He dipped his head and bent at the waist so she could remove it.
She didn’t take her eyes off him, but dipped them to his wide chest and ripped abs. “Damn. No man should look that good.” Her need to touch him overtook her again. She splayed her fingers wide on his chest and brushed them over his pecs and down his taut belly. She leaned in close, felt him holding his breath, and pressed a kiss on his chest. She let her fingers roam over the dips and curves, not stopping or hesitating when she skimmed over the bullet wounds.
She rubbed her cheek against his warm skin and inhaled his woodsy scent. “Touch me, Drake. I need to feel you.”
His arms had fallen to his sides. At her words, he buried his hands in her long hair as she laid a trail of kisses over his chest, bracing herself on his wide shoulders. He sent those big hands down her back and up, along with her shirt. She shook out her hair the second he tossed her shirt aside. His fingers nimbly unhooked her bra and drew it down her arms. He’d seen her naked last night, but the need and awe in his eyes hadn’t dissipated. He stared down at her like he couldn’t wait to lick her. In the next breath, he did. From her throat, down her chest, to her tight nipple. She cried out with the sheer pleasure every sweep of his tongue and nip of his teeth evoked.
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