by M. C. Decker
“You do?” I questioned, somewhat perplexed.
“Yeah, like I said, we haven’t been together for long. You can’t put your life and your career on hold just for me.” Truthfully, the position wasn’t even a step up from my current gig at St. Therese. I’d only be accepting the transfer for one reason and it wasn’t to gain another rung on the career ladder.
“It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve put both those things on hold for a woman,” I admitted.
“Carson, you aren’t making any sense,” she said, shaking her head in confusion.
“Before I take you home, there’s someplace I need to take you,” I said as we began getting off the plane at the airport.
“Sure, I guess,” she reluctantly agreed.
Pulling up to the extended-care facility, I turned to face Ashlynn, her eyes revealing uncertainty.
“What are we doing here?” she asked as I parked the SUV.
“I have a friend who’s a patient here and I’d like for you to meet her,” I explained.
Walking into the facility, I held Ashlynn’s hand, hoping she wouldn’t leave me after I exposed the truth.
“Carson, it’s good to see you. We haven’t seen you around here in a while,” Marissa’s nurse, Alex, greeted us as we walked through the door.
“Hey Alex! It’s good to see you too. I took a new position a few months back, and things have just been really busy for me ever since. Has there been any change in her condition?” I asked, as I always did upon my arrival.
“No, unfortunately, no changes since your last visit. Her primary-care physician has spoken to the neurologist and they’ve agreed to apply for a new trial study, but the hospital board won’t select participants for several more weeks.”
“Who’s your friend?” Alex inquired upon noticing Ashlynn standing beside me.
“Oh, Alex this is Ashlynn Sommers–my girlfriend,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t expose too much information to Ashlynn quite yet.
“Oh, I see. It’s nice to meet you, Ashlynn,” she responded. “Well, you know your way to Marissa’s room. If you need anything else, let one of us know.”
Making our way down the hallway, Ashlynn stopped me just before we made the turn into Marissa’s room.
“Who’s Marissa, Carson?” she asked, her eyes pleading for answers. “I have a feeling you’re holding something back. She’s much more than a friend to you, isn’t she?”
“She was my fiancée,” I finally had to admit. “She was in the same accident that killed my mother. I actually lost two people who I loved that day.”
Ashlynn didn’t speak another word before she stepped into Marissa’s room. The expression on her face was a mixture of shock and sadness. Marissa was sitting up in a chair, playing with the stuffed bear I’d bought her several years ago. Hearing our footsteps, she turned and looked up at us as we entered the room.
“Carson!” she smiled with glee and waved excitedly when she saw me. Watching Ashlynn, my heart broke even more as I watched her wipe a single tear from her cheek.
“Hey Marissa! How’s my girl doing?” I asked, giving her a peck on the cheek.
“Good! I painted you a picture today,” she said, pointing toward a stack of finger paintings.
“Those are all for me?” I asked.
“Yep! I made one each day,” she said excitedly.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been around to visit a lot lately. I got a new job and I have a new friend who I’d actually like for you to meet,” I said, motioning for Ashlynn to come closer.
“Marissa this is Ashlynn. She’s a very special lady,” I said with a smile.
“Hi Ashley! That’s a very pretty name,” she said.
“No, no, Marissa. It’s . . .”
“It’s fine, Carson,” Ashlynn interrupted. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Marissa. Your paintings are very beautiful. Do you like art,” she asked.
“Yeah,” she muttered, nodding her head.
“You should have seen her art before,” I mentioned quietly, remembering the time before the accident. “She was working toward her Master of Fine Arts at the time of the accident. Her watercolor paintings were exquisite. She had dreams of opening her own gallery one day.”
“I think I need to go get some fresh air,” Ashlynn said. “You stay in here with Marissa.”
“Ash, I think we should probably go outside and talk.”
“Whatever you think is best,” she agreed.
“Marissa, we’ll be right back, OK,” I said, giving her another quick peck on the top of her head.
“OK, see you soon,” she said, waving as we exited the room.
After leaving Marissa’s room, Ashlynn and I walked in silence outside to the facility’s courtyard. For a mid-November afternoon, the weather was quite pleasant. With the sun shining, temperatures were mild for that time of year in Michigan. Some might’ve even said it was a perfect Indian summer day. Taking a seat on the bench, I was surprised that it felt warm to the touch. “Will you be OK out here?” I asked her, as we took a seat.
“Yes, I’m fine,” she said, wrapping her scarf tighter around her neck. “What happened, Carson?” she added, getting right to the point.
“Mom was taking her to pick up her wedding dress since her car was in the shop for maintenance. Coming home from the bridal shop, Mom’s car slid off an embankment and hit a tree. Crash-scene investigators found deer tracks in the mud, so they could only conclude that my mom probably swerved to avoid hitting it, and that’s when she lost control. She died before paramedics arrived at the scene, but Marissa thankfully survived. She’s a stubborn girl, always has been.”
“Wow, that’s terrible,” Ashlynn said, taking my hand in hers. Knowing she was beside me gave me the strength to continue.
“We were supposed to get married a week after the accident, but she was still in a coma. Once she came out of it, I wanted to marry her right there in the hospital room, but her parents thought we should wait until she could go home. But that was over ten years ago, and she hasn’t been able to go home–she probably never will.
“I promised her on the day that should’ve been our wedding day that once she was well enough, I’d give her the big, fancy wedding that she’d always dreamed of.”
“Will she ever fully recover?” Ashlynn asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Hard to say. The human body is such a mystery–you know that as well as anyone. She’s been through several clinical trials over the last ten years, but nothing has seemed to help much. Dealing with a traumatic brain injury is a beast on its own. Her cognitive abilities are those of a preschooler.”
“So, she’s the reason you’re still single then? Not your job like you’ve been telling me all along?” Ashlynn asked, a hint of disappointment in her tone.
“Yes and no,” I admitted, knowing she deserved a better explanation. “For many years, yes, I didn’t date because of Marissa. I became her primary caregiver because her parents didn’t have the means to cover her medical expenses as easily as I could. They didn’t turn down my offer because I felt as though they held me partially responsible. I buried myself in my work, and I was content with my decisions. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the whole truth. You deserved the truth from me, especially since I asked for so much of it from you.”
“It’s OK, I get it. I definitely didn’t make it easy for you to open up to me when I kept my own secrets hidden for so long,” she said comfortingly. “And, you can’t really believe that the accident is in any way your fault,” she added, shaking her head.
As much as I realized she was right, part of me would always blame myself for the accident. Had I not been so focused on that fellowship, I would’ve taken the time out of my schedule to drive her to the bridal shop myself. My mother would still be alive, and I’d be a married man with children of my own.
“She wouldn’t have been rushing about to get her wedding dress that day if it weren’t for me. I’d just completed my residency and was
offered a fellowship opportunity in Dallas that I couldn’t pass up. Marissa agreed to move up the wedding, so she could go with me. She asked me to take her that day instead of Mom, but I was too busy finalizing our plans for the move.”
“I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all of this for so long,” Ashlynn said. “You know it’s not your fault, right?”
“Yes, I know, but it doesn’t hurt any less,” I confessed. “The kicker in the whole, fucked-up situation was that the wedding dress went perfectly unscathed in the backseat of the car. Not even one fucking sequin was out of place.”
“So, you’re unsure about taking the job in Minneapolis because of Marissa then?” she asked, still unclear about our future together. Taking a deep breath, I braced myself for Ashlynn’s possible reaction.
“No, I would accept the job because of Marissa. If I rejected the offer it would be because of you.”
“What? I don’t understand.”
“I’ve been trying to get Marissa into a state-of-the-art facility that specializes in traumatic brain injuries ever since the accident occurred. There are only three in the country and five in the entire world that fit the exact type of care that we’ve been seeking all these years. There’s a facility in Minneapolis that finally approved of admitting her as a patient. It just so happens that the hospital affiliated with the facility has an opening in its psychiatric department. I would move there to oversee her care.”
“And, what would I have to do with you staying?” she asked with hope-filled eyes.
“I care about you so much, Ashlynn,” I said. “I never thought I wanted to find someone other than Marissa, but that all changed the day I met you. I knew from the moment I first laid my eyes on you that you were someone special. All along, I thought I was the one saving you from your demons when you were actually the one saving me from mine.
“I’ve wanted this for Marissa for so long, but now that it’s here, I’m not sure I can go. I just don’t think I can leave you behind. I know that sounds incredibly selfish of me.”
“Do you still love her, Carson?” Ashlynn questioned, her lip beginning to quiver like it does when she’s about to cry.
“I think a part of me will always love her,” I admitted, hoping Ashlynn wasn’t hurt by my truth.
“Then you need to go,” she said, squeezing my hand. “As much as I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to be the reason you stay here either.”
This didn’t seem like the appropriate time or place to tell her, but there was something else she needed to hear. “I wasn’t quite done yet, Ash. A part of me might always love Marissa, but I’m in love with you. I love you, Ashlynn Sommers.”
“What?” she stammered.
“I love you,” I whispered, realizing she hadn’t repeated the words.
“I care about you so much, Carson, but I still think you need to go,” she whispered. “I don’t want to become a regret someday. Please accept the position–for me–and for Marissa.”
“Will you come with me?” I asked, praying she would accept my offer.
“You know I can’t do that. I have a job here. Family here. My entire life is in Michigan. Besides, I’m not sure Bradley Cooper could function for five minutes without me,” she laughed, wiping the fresh tears from her eyes.
Dropping my head to my knees, I wasn’t sure how to react to her selflessness. All this time, I was worried about her running when I told her my secrets, but instead, she’d been so incredibly brave and understanding. I knew I definitely loved this woman, but I knew telling her the words would’ve only crushed her.
“You know, you’re a pretty remarkable woman, Ashlynn Sommers,” I said, pulling her into my chest.
“You’re pretty great yourself, Carson Foster,” she said, snuggling into the crook of my arm. “It’s going to be so hard to say goodbye. When do you have to leave?”
“The job starts the first week in December. I need to schedule Marissa’s transport for the day after Thanksgiving. I’d like to see that she gets settled into her new home before I have to worry about the new position.”
“So, that’s just four days from now,” she said, counting with her fingers.
“Yeah, that seems about right,” I said, exhaling sharply. Why, if this was the right thing to do, did it hurt so fucking bad?
“Well, we’ll still be able to spend Thanksgiving together. And, if it’s all right with you, maybe I can fly out for Christmas and New Year’s? My mother may disown me for not spending the holidays with her and Daddy, but eventually she’ll get over it,” she mused.
“I think that sounds absolutely wonderful. I want nothing more than for this to work between us, Ashlynn. I know long-distance relationships can be hard, but I want to try.”
“Me too,” she said, placing a soft kiss on my cheek. “Now, as much as I wish we could sit out here forever, I think my toes are starting to freeze,” she teased.
Ashlynn
IT WAS HOURS before sunrise, and here I was wide awake with my arms stuffed elbows deep inside Mr. Tom Turkey.
“Whose idea was it again to host Thanksgiving dinner this year?” I asked Carson as he poured himself a fifth cup of coffee.
“Yours? Maybe mine? Hell, I don’t know. We’re both fucking idiots,” he groaned, stumbling his way to the kitchen table.
“You do realize you’re leaving tomorrow, and we could’ve just spent the whole day alone in bed eating junk food, watching movies, and having sex and no one would’ve bothered us at all, right?” I asked, wishing we’d taken that route instead of the one that involved inviting a dozen of our closest family and friends to my home for Thanksgiving and for Carson’s going -away party.
“Oh god, when you put it that way, we just sound like even bigger idiots,” he laughed. “I know, let’s just call them all right now and cancel. Then we can spend the entire day in bed snogging.”
“Snogging?” I chuckled. “I thought you were moving to Minnesota, not England?”
“You know you find my British accent sexy,” he joked, snuggling into the crook of my neck.
“You really need to get some sleep. You’re acting all sorts of crazy right now.”
“I think you’re probably right. I don’t think I’ve gotten more than two hours sleep over the last week.” We’d spent the last few days packing up Carson’s apartment, so everything would be ready when the movers were scheduled to arrive bright and early in the morning.
“Go back to sleep. I have everything handled out here. Brad should be here soon anyway. He said he doesn’t trust me to cook a proper Thanksgiving meal for everyone.”
“OK, if you insist,” he agreed. “But, just remember, there’s still time to call this whole thing off, should you change your mind and want to join me in bed.”
“You sure you didn’t accidentally poison any of the food?” Brad asked, sliding the Jell-O mold he’d made into the fridge.
“No, just the ToFurkey I made especially for you,” I quipped, rolling my eyes at Brad.
“Aww, you actually made it? You really do love me,” he gushed.
“Mmmm, I’d call it more of a moment of weakness.”
“So, Carson really is leaving tomorrow, huh?” he questioned.
“Yeah, I’m trying not to think about it. It just hurts too damn much. I finally let someone into my life and now he’s leaving,” I sighed.
“Ask him not to leave?” Brad suggested.
“No, I can’t do that. This is the right thing for him and Marissa. She needs him more than I do,” I said, not really believing my words.
“Do you really think you can handle a long-distance relationship?” Brad asked.
“I don’t know. I told him I’d at least try. I honestly don’t see how it can work though if neither one of us plans on leaving though,” I said, shrugging. “I just don’t know what to do because I really am falling for him, Brad.”
“Ashlynn Renee Sommers, do you love him?”
“Yes,” I sighed. “I’m defin
itely falling in love with him.”
“No matter what happens, I’m proud of you,” he said, hugging me tightly. “This is such a selfless thing for you to do. My Ashlynn has flown the nest.”
“You’re such a turd. I was actually being serious and opening up to you!” I sassed, throwing a dish towel at his face. “Just for that, you get to help me with the giblets.”
“Eww, I can’t believe you even kept those slimy things,” he said, scrunching his nose in disgust.
Pulling the turkey out of the oven, the doorbell rang alerting me that the first of our guests had arrived. “I’ll get it,” I heard Carson yell from the living room where he and Brad had been watching football.
“Hi Honey,” Mom said, waltzing into the kitchen carrying a boatload of extra food.
“Hi Mom,” I said, taking the dishes from her hands as she pecked me on the cheek.
“That new boyfriend of yours sure is a good-looking fella,” Mom whispered into my ear. “And, a doctor. Don’t do anything to scare this one away.”
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll try not to, but like I told you on the phone, he accepted a position in Minneapolis and is leaving tomorrow.”
“And, why aren’t you going with him?” she asked, nosily.
“Please don’t nag me today, Mom,” I pleaded. “I just want this to be the perfect Thanksgiving. I know that’s probably asking a lot, but please try–for me.”
“Sure, Dear, I’ll try. Now, I sure hope you have a lot more guests coming because we have enough food here to feed an entire army.”
“Just Carson’s brother and nephew. Why did you bring so much extra food anyway?”
“Because Bradley called me yesterday and said I might want to bring back-up,” she giggled.
“Bradley Cooper! Get in here, right now!” I demanded, yelling into the living room.
“Coming,” he shouted. “Thank god you called me in here, lord knows I was only watching football to catch the halftime show.”
“Why did you tell my mom to bring extra food? I told you I had it covered,” I snapped.
“Sorry, I was just covering the bases,” he said with a shrug.