by Nyrae Dawn
Does it make me naive that I totally want to? That I feel like I can? “Well…I’ve never really had any.”
He slides his hand away, but it’s still close to mine. “I’m sorry. I know how that feels. Guess it’s cool we’re changing that together.”
My heart jumps to my throat. I know it’s strange, to get so excited about someone confirming they like me, but I can’t help it. In this moment, I’m no longer the freak with no friends. “Yeah. Very cool.”
“How did you get away from them? The girls?”
Did I mention weird before? It has nothing on how I feel about talking to Gabe about Caleb. Why? I’m not sure. “Well, there’s this guy, Caleb. We’ve hung out a little lately. He came and scared them away.” Talking about Caleb makes me smile and feel guilty even though it makes no sense. He makes me smiley. What’s wrong with that?
Gabe shifts in his seat as though he’s uncomfortable. “Good thing he showed up. If you met this…Caleb, that gives you someone to hang-out with at school though. Maybe they’ll leave you alone.” There’s a tension in his voice.
I look at the steering wheel because spending time with Caleb didn’t mean I’d have someone to spend time with at school. He has his own group of friends and I don’t fit into that equation. But then, if I’m good enough to skip school with and walk to and from school with, I should be good enough to at least have a casual conversation with at school. What does that say about him or me if he still ignores me?
“Did I say something wrong?” Gabe asks.
I snap out of my trance. Now isn’t the time to think about Caleb. I should enjoy hanging out with Gabe. “No, no. Sorry, I was just thinking about something. Is it my turn now?”
“Yes,” he answers simply. “And thank you for being honest with me about everything.”
Of course I can’t start right off the bat with something as serious as asking about his parents. I may be a noob, but I’m not totally socially stunted. Leading in, I ask his favorite subject in school. I’m surprised to find out its English like me. We volley questions back and forth. I learn his birthday, what he wants to be when he grows up and his favorite vacation spots. My questions start out timid, but as we go, I’m surprised at how easy it is to just sit and talk to a boy. When I’m with Caleb it’s I always have a million thoughts going through my head: studying his movements, wondering about something he says, trying not to sound like freak show.
Finally I build up the courage to ask what I really want to know. He’d been so sad earlier. I don’t want to make him feel that way again, but I also feel like he needs to talk about it. “You mentioned earlier that your parents didn’t have time for you. Why do you think that?” Guilt starts rolling over me. “I’m not trying to pry, but I just can’t see parents not caring about their kid.” Okay, maybe I am naive. So shoot me.
Gabe lets out a heavy breath. “No, believe me, they don’t care. My family’s different, Abigail. We’re very wealthy and my parents’ only concern is money and society. They spend their time schmoozing people much more important than me. I was there for show, when they needed me and that’s all. Other than that, I’m the responsibility of the housekeeper.” He’s ranting, talking almost without taking a breath. “The only person in my life to love me and they take her away from me. They fired her because they caught her letting me slough off on my lessons one day.”
I want to reach out and hug him, but I’m too scared. “Gabe, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he sounds distant now. “But that’s when things took a turn for the worse. I got into drugs, hanging out on the streets. I just wanted to escape my life and that’s the only way I knew how to do it.”
“Drugs?” I can’t hold back my shock. He doesn’t seem like the type. Now Caleb’s friends…yes. Gabe? No.
“I’m clean now; I promise you that. But I had some hard times. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, Abigail. I still do a lot of things that aren’t right. I think it’s just the way I am.” He shakes his head.
My heart drums steadily. He’s been on drugs and God knows what else. He said he’s done a lot of bad thing, but he doesn’t seem like a bad guy. He’s not. Maybe he was, but I know he isn’t anymore, and more than that, I know he’s my friend. Crazy as it sounds, I care about him. “You’ve done things you should be proud of too. Quitting drugs, trying to change your life. Those aren’t small things, Gabe. Cut yourself some slack.”
His eyes shoot toward me. For a few long seconds, he doesn’t talk. He does nothing but stare. “Thank you.”
“You’re a good guy. I’m,” I look away from him. “I’m really glad I met you.”
More moments of silence between us before he speaks. “You shouldn’t be,” he mumbles then points to the glowing, green numbers on my dashboard. “It’s time for you to go.” Gabe opens his door. “Wait. Do you need me to drive you home?”
Gabe shakes his head, gets out of the car, and slams the door. When he doesn’t move, I start the car and pull away. When I glance in the rearview mirror, he’s already gone.
I can’t stop thinking about Gabe. Even when I’m home and in bed. He’s been through so much. Even more than I know. He’d been so upset earlier, some of what he said didn’t even make sense. I’m sure most of it had to do with anger and embarrassment. At the restaurant he told me the housekeeper is his teacher, but then he told me she got fired over his drug problem. Maybe he said she currently taught him because he didn’t expect to tell me about the drugs?
I fall asleep and as I do, Caleb floats into my head. I smile at him and my heart accelerates. Then Gabe eclipses him, pushing him out of the way. Part of me wants to cry, but the other? The other part is glad Gabe’s there too.
***
I don’t want to get out of bed this morning, but then I remember Caleb will be waiting for me. The thought catapults me out of bed. After a quick shower, I put on my favorite pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt. On a whim, I slip into Mom’s room and spray myself with her perfume, careful not to use too much so I don’t smell like those old ladies who’ve lost their sniffer and use a whole bottle daily.
I scarf down a bowl of Lucky Charms before running a brush through my hair and tying it back. I’m early again, even with staying in bed an extra few minutes. I’ve been meaning to work on my promptness and now I have the perfect excuse.
A few minutes later, I’m walking out of my house and down the street. Up ahead, I see Caleb. His back is to me and he’s pacing. It’s cute seeing him all tense like that. It makes him real. Is he nervous to see me for some reason? My belly gets tingly.
I keep watching him, but things change. He bends at the waist, his hands linked behind his head. Did something happen to him? Is he hurt or angry? He stands again, rubbing his hands through his hair, before shaking his head.
The tingly in my stomach transform to nausea, eating at my insides. Something’s wrong. I feel it, clawing at me. I start to walk faster and then to my surprise, Caleb starts to walk away. I glance at my watch to make sure I’m not late, even though I know I’m not. My mouth opens to yell for him to stop, but then he does before the words leave my mouth. With the heel of his hand, he rubs his temple, before turning around, his eyes finding mine.
I stop and just look at him. We’re far enough away that I can’t see his eyes, but somehow, I know they don’t look right. He’s not standing as tall, his body not as…strong? As it usually is.
Seconds pass. I swear I hear my watch ticking and tocking in my head. But then, shivers spread through the length of me as Caleb smiles. When his hand runs through his messy black hair, it’s somehow different. He’s wearing a long sleeved, dark blue shirt and faded jeans. It’s like he transforms in front of me, from the tense, stressed-out Caleb I saw just a minute ago to the relaxed, slightly vulnerable, but proud Caleb I’m becoming so used to.
Another attack of shivers hits me, the type only he gives me. I start to walk again. He doesn’t come toward me, but he’s still smiling that
real smile I didn’t know he had until recently. “Hey.” I don’t even need to ask him why he was walking away, because he’s here now.
“Hey, Kitten.”
The name ignites fireworks inside me. We start to walk together. Every few steps, I glace at him. His eyes are bloodshot. Weariness laces his features. “Are you okay?” I can’t help but ask him. At least I make sure not to tell him he looks tired even though guys, being as strange as they are, probably don’t care about that kind of thing.
It takes him a minute to answer, but I’m getting used to that coming from Caleb. It feels good to actually get used to something about someone. Like you know them in a way you didn’t before. It makes me warm inside.
When he speaks, his voice is gravely almost like he just woke up. “It’s…” Caleb shakes his head. “It’s nothing. Just bad headaches lately. I feel like I’m trying to see in the fog or something.”
Worry seeps in. “Do you have migraines?”
“I never have. Guess, I do now though.”
“Hold up.” We stop and I pull some Tylenol out of my bag. Caleb opens his hand and I shake two of them out. “I have water too. I haven’t drunk out of it yet.”
“Don’t worry. I’m not afraid of your cooties.” Caleb takes the bottle too, takes the pills and hands it back. He may not be afraid of my cooties, but I wonder if he wants them the way I want his. You know, not in a creepy, weird way, but I totally can’t wait to drink out of this bottle.
“Thanks.” We start walking again, the Caleb silence floating around us. It’s weird how he’s quiet, but I always feel like he’s staying something. It’s always comfortable, because I know it’s just a part of him. Comfortable or not, my big mouth still feels the need to interrupt the quiet.
“Why do you call me Kitten?” Gah! Why did I just ask him that? Yes, I want to know, but I can’t believe I asked him! Well, I’m a little proud of it, actually, but mostly I just want to throw up waiting to hear what he says.
Caleb opens his mouth, his tongue sliding along his top teeth. Not in the come-hither way, but the deep-in-thought way. Like always, I feel there’s a war he’s battling inside him. Does he want to tell me or not? And it’s sexy. Everything about him is sexy. His mouth closes, his tongue laced with all those cooties I want hides inside his mouth again. Finally he speaks. “You remind me of a Kitten. You’re all soft on the outside…kind of innocent, but I have a feeling there’s someone a lot tougher inside. Like the way you stood up to Cavanaugh the other day. Three on one, but as soon as someone pushed you, the claws tried to come out. You’ll grow into those claws one day and no one will be able to stop you.”
I. Just. Died. My feet cement to the ground. Heat simmers through me, wrapping around me in little ribbons. Not because I’m embarrassed, but because I’m touched. His words reach down to a place inside me I didn’t know existed. A place no one has tried to reach before, but one I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied without someone reaching again. He thinks I’m strong? I don’t feel it. Never have. “Caleb…I…”
He does the tongue thing again. Let’s out a deep breath and then groans. “I screwed up, huh?”
“What? No--”
“I shouldn’t have said anything. Can we forget I said that? Like we did with you the other day?”
Of course he had to add the last part in. No, I didn’t want to forget this at all. I wanted to ask him a million questions. Dissect everything he said and how he said it. Which I would do later on my own, but how can I tell him no when he let me forget my boyfriend comment? I can’t. I try to smile. “Forget you said what?” Inside my head, I’m already replaying his words again.
Chapter Ten
I’ve passed Caleb twice at school today and he hasn’t said a word to me. Both times he offers small smiles. Both times I return them, hoping and praying he’ll stop and say hi. Praying that Gabe was right and my newfound friendship with Caleb will be what starts to turn things around in school, but so far nothing.
It’s now lunchtime, and I’m out in the hall when everyone else has already gone to the cafeteria. I should be there too, but I know Caleb and his friends go across the street for lunch, even though it’s a closed campus. Because this time, I’m approaching him. I’m strong, right? I’m done with sitting around and waiting for things to happen. If I want to talk to him, I will. Maybe that’s even what he’s waiting for.
“Hi, Abby.”
I freeze and not because it’s Caleb’s voice, but because I do believe Hell just froze over. I turn to make sure my mind isn’t playing tricks on me. It’s not. Stacy stands about five feet away from me, the rest of her shadows missing. I turn. Nope, not another Abby behind me. I continue out of my turn and start walking the other way. Hello? Does she think I’m stupid? No way am I standing around while she pretends to be nice, meanwhile leaving me sidetracked for her friends to jump out of lockers like ninjas and attack me or something.
“Hi, Abby!” Stacy calls after me again and I’m starting to get a little freaked. Can you say ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’? I glace at her once more before rounding the corner to the cafeteria just to make sure there’s no symptoms of her becoming a zombie. There’s not, which only means one thing. The LP are up to something and I have no doubt, I’m at the center of it.
Having wasted half my lunch waiting for Caleb, I have to scarf down my lunch as quick as I can. Almost the second I finish, the bell rings. I hang toward the back, a little nervous to venture in the hallway again in case creepy-Stacy makes another appearance. When I can’t wait any longer without running the risk of being late—which I won’t let happen since I just skipped—I go. As I turn the corner, I run right into a familiar chest.
See? I even recognize his chest now. “Hi.” I smile up at Caleb, thinking maybe my karma might not be so bad.
Caleb looks down at me. “Hey.” His voice is detached, like we didn’t spend yesterday together. Like he didn’t call me Kitten because he thinks I’m strong. Like I’m a girl he doesn’t know.
“How are you?”
“I gotta run.” And then he moves around me and walks away. The little spot he found inside me just this morning slinks away and hides.
***
I huff when I see Caleb standing at the line of trees. I’m in no mood to talk to anyone, especially him. I’m quiet the whole walk home. The only time sound leaves my mouth is when he asks me something, which is only twice. I’m mad at myself for even meeting him. For not telling him to screw off, that I don’t need a friend who only wants to be a part time friend, but I do none of it. He not only sucks as a friend, he’s also delusional since it’s pretty clear I’m not as strong as he says I am.
If he can tell something’s up, he doesn’t say anything. He asks about Stacy and I mumble a little line about her saying hi. Caleb seems to think on it a bit, but doesn’t say much else about it. Why did he even meet me? Why does he pretend he cares, when he doesn’t?
I don’t say goodbye when we reach out stop sign and he doesn’t either.
When Mom gets home, I watch a little TV with her, and eat dinner, just so she doesn’t realize something’s wrong. I make an excuse about a big essay due the next day. When she asks if I’ve had a chance to read any of ‘Modern Vampire’ I ignore her, my eyes already flooding with tears.
I head straight for my vampire-killing-kit of a trunk, leaning my head against the cool window.
Rain starts to trickle down, invisible in the evening darkness except for the sound and little pebbles sliding down my window. Needing to hear it clearer, I crack the window, wishing the rain could wash away my problems, refreshing my life like it does the night. I can’t help, but think about Gabe. He would walk with me in school. He’s the one who made me think Caleb might too. I bet he would have said goodbye. Even when he weirded-out after we talked about his parents, he wasn’t rude. But I also realize I wish he had been. I wish Gabe hurt me. It makes my heart much more intensely that it’s Caleb. The boy who keyed Stacy’s car for me. Hel
d me as I walked into his house. Cleaned my wound, and worried about me walking to and from school alone. The boy with the pained eyes and no pictures in his house. Caleb.
I pull my legs against my chest and cry, then soon…blackness.
“Don’t you get it, Abby? You’re a loser. A freak. Like I ever really wanted to be friends with you.”
I fight to breathe as a fist squeezes my heart. Caleb’s voice is so harsh, so cold, his green eyes harder than I’ve ever seen them. He looks feral, wild. His face twists into disgust when I start to cry. “B…but,” I stutter. “What about walking me to school? Asking me to ditch with you? I thought you liked me, Caleb!”
“Yeah, right! Why would I be friends with the vamp freak? It’s one thing to hang-out with you when there’s no one better around, but I would never spend time with you because I want to.”
My eyes are no longer just a leaky faucet. It’s as if someone loosens a screw. Tears pour down my face uncontrollably. My insides twist in pain. I’ll never have friends. No one will ever thing of me as anything other than the girl with the crazy mom.
I jump when someone touches my cheek. Gabe.
“Come with me, Abigail. You can trust me.” A part of me wants to go with Gabe, but there’s a bigger part that needs to stay with Caleb. This isn’t him. Something has to be wrong. He would never treat me this way. Only he is.
“Abby?” Gabe’s voice is a little more confused now. “I’m your friend, aren’t I? I want you to trust me. I need you to trust me. I care about you. Don’t you care about me too?” his eyes are so sincere. Like my hesitation actually pains him.
I feel like my body, my soul is being ripped in half. I glace back at Caleb now. His face has softened, making him look like the Caleb I know instead of the stone-cold boy who verbally attacked me.
“Kitten?” Caleb shakes his head, confusion clear in his eyes.
It’s strange the way the sound starts to echo as though we’re at a school assembly or football game. Caleb’s previous words pulse around me. “Don’t you get it, Abby? You’re a loser. A freak. Like I ever really wanted to be friends with you.”