by Nyrae Dawn
Somehow, I manage to keep her from pulling me, no matter how hard she tries. My blond hair too. Brown eyes and blond hair. Mine. Not Mom’s red hair and blue eyes. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. My eyes won’t leave him. My heart won’t beat. I can do nothing, but stare and think. How? Why? Nothing makes sense. Nothing. I’m not sure how I’m even holding myself up, right now. “Dad?--” Nothing else will come out of my mouth.
Mom must realize she can’t budge me, so she goes for the door instead, pushing it so hard I know it will slam. Somehow, I make myself move, because I know if that door closes, I won’t be able to see him anymore. I’m scared if there’s anything between us, he’ll be gone and I’ll realize I really have been crazy all the time.
I throw myself in front of the door, so it hits me, and can’t close.
In the background, I hear Mom talking to me, but it’s muffled, like my ears are plugged. “Abby, move, honey. He can’t come in, unless you invite him. I know your scared, sweetie, but you need to move. Now.”
He can’t come in. He can’t come in. He can’t come in.
Mom’s choice of words slams into my brain. Why can’t he come in? He’s alive! Why won’t she let him in?
Unless you invite him…
No!
“Mom?” My word squeaks out. I reach to touch her, needing something familiar, but I’m scared too. Scared of her. Scared of the man on the other side of the threshold. Maybe even scared of myself.
“I know, baby girl. I’ll answer all your questions. No lies. Just let me close the door. He’s got to stay outside so you’ll be safe.”
The pain in Mom’s voice tears through me, adding to everything that’s throwing punches at my chest, in my stomach, hailing down hard on every part of my body. I know I should listen to her. This is my mom. The person who’s taken care of me my whole life. The one who cared for me when I was sick or scared. But she’s also the one who’s lied to me. Who told me the man on the other side of the door was dead. Who now says that he can’t come in unless I invite him. My dad’s a ….I can’t even bring myself to think the word.
“Yes, Abigail. You’re right, I am and I’ll never hurt you.” His voice is so smooth. It shimmies its way inside me, echoing out in waves over and over in my head.
“Don’t you talk to her!” Mom screams, and then turns to me again. “Don’t listen to him. Close the door, honey. Let me talk to you.”
Tears burn my eyes, falling freely down my face. I’ve been split in half: one part who wants to be loyal to Mom. Who wants to run as far and as fast as I can so we can pretend this never happened. The other part? Its needs answers and I fear I’ll never get them if I close this door right now. After all the lies, I need to know. More than that, I’m scared I’ll never see him again. All my dreams, all my wishes of him coming and making it better could finally come true.
But how can he make it better, make it go away, if I have to invite him in? A shudder crashes through me.
“I won’t walk away from you. I’m here and I’ll tell you everything. Please, little one. Say the words. I only want to protect you,” he says. They’re the same words Caleb spoke to me. That he wants to protect me. I didn’t listen the first time. I’m not even sure I should have, but I can’t make myself ignore them the second time.
I look at Mom and the way her shaking hand covers her mouth, I know she knows what I’m about to do. “Mom, I’m sorry. I… I can’t.”
“I would never hurt her, Patricia. I love her, too.” His voice is soft, soothing. “I’ve stayed away because I know that’s what you want, but I can’t do that anymore. The time has come. She needs to know. Things aren’t safe for her right now.”
I’ve stayed away… She needs to know… Things aren’t safe for her. The words are spinning like a merry-go-round in my brain. I take a deep breath. My voice will be as shaky as my body, I know it. A sob tears from Mom when I open my mouth and say, “I invite you in.”
***
I throw myself in between them, when Mom lunges. I stop her, holding her arms tighter than she held mine just a few minutes earlier. “Stay back,” I say to my…dad? Can it really be? Is this my father? Then to Mom, I say, “Stay with me.” I turn, my back against her. I’m surprised she lets me back her up. “Don’t get too close to us.” My dad smiles, before nodding once.
“Don’t do this, Christopher! Leave! We don’t need you!”
“No!” My heart finally finds a rhythm. An erratic one, but one all the same. “Maybe you don’t need him, Mom, but I do! I love you, but I will leave with him if you don’t let me get the answers I need. You decide. Let this happen where you can watch, or I’ll be gone.” Which scares the crap out of me. I don’t want to leave with him, but I will. I need this and there’s no way I can stand by while she takes this opportunity from me.
“You don’t understand. He’s a monster! He’s a vampire.”
Hearing her say it aloud is like a slap in my face. Vampire? My dad? How can that be? Does that mean I’m a vampire too? No, that doesn’t make sense. I go into the sun and don’t drink blood. That’s what a vampire is, right? “No…” But if it’s not true, why did I have to invite him in?
“Patricia, it’s time. She needs to know the truth. You need to know the truth,” he says.
“I know everything I need to know,” she seethes at him.
“No, Red, you don’t.”
My head snaps toward him with the nickname. Red. For her hair. He’d called her that in the letter too.
“Don’t. Call. Me. Red.” I’ve never heard Mom sound so fierce.
“I’m sorry. You always liked it. I forget how much time has passed.” Unlike her, my dad sounds…heartbroken.
“Mom…” I’m such a traitor, getting frustrated with her for how she’s treating him. Where has he been all these years? Even if she asked him to stay away like he said, he’s still my dad and he should have been here. But, it also hurts me, the way she’s treating him. It’s like he doesn’t matter at all… and shouldn’t he? Even if it’s only because he’s my dad?
My mom doesn’t reply to his apology or my saying her name. “You have ten minutes, Christopher. Start talking.”
My mom pulls me, walking backward into the living room. She won’t take her eyes off him, even to walk correctly. Did he hurt her? What if I let someone in who’d hurt her in the past?
My dad follows us, as if it doesn’t matter. He’s watching me just as intensely as I’m watching him. “You’re so beautiful, little one.” His eyes are kind, but also pained. There’s no blinking and I wonder if that’s a vampire thing, or if it’s just because like me, he’s afraid if he takes his eyes off me, I’ll disappear.
“I…” Don’t know what to say.
“Nine and a half minutes left.” Mom holds onto my hand as we stand by the fireplace. My dad stops by the couch.
“What do you know, Abby?”
My body shakes, feeling both excited and scared for the answers I’ve sought for years. Answers I didn’t think would mean I’m half vampire. Can you even be half vampire? They’re real… All this time, she hasn’t been crazy, she’s been right. I bite my lip. What do I know? “Um, nothing. I don’t know anything, but I want to know everything.”
I look at the ground, now nervous about making eye contact with him. So many times over the years I’ve dreamed of meeting him, and now he’s sitting in front of me. He couldn’t come in my house unless I invited him, either. Oh, jeez…something really stalks the night. The vampire killing kit in my room really is for a purpose. Oh, crap. I should have read, ‘Modern Vampire’. “You’re a vampire.” I have to test the word. Vampire. It’s so different now. “What…what does that make me?”
“Yes, yes, and I don’t know. No one does. Only time will tell, little one.”
Mom gasps at the same time, a wave of fear pummels her. It’s like I’m drowning. His words sucking me under water time and time again. He doesn’t know? Time will tell? Oh, God. Not good. I squeeze my eyes shut,
dizziness tugging at me. Wake up, Abby. I’m dreaming. Please, please wake up. “Someone tell me I’m being pranked!”
My…dad, the word is so strange, but he laughs. “You’re funny. You must get that from your mom.”
That one knocks me for a loop because Mom and funny have never gone together.
“And you’re not dreaming. For your sake, I wish you were. I’m going to start at the beginning. Is that okay with you? Can I sit down?”
“Yes,” I say at the same time, Mom says, “No.”
He listens to her. “I was human once a long, long time ago, but I wasn’t a nice man. I was wealthy, important. I took what I wanted, not caring who I hurt in return.”
I’m shaking, still hoping I’ll wake up. That this is some kind of nightmare, but do I really want to lose him already?
“My first years as a vampire were spent the same way. The past fifty, I’ve tried to make up for my past. If you learn anything from me today, that’s what I want you to know, little one. Being a vampire doesn’t make you evil. Yes, there are some truly evil vampires out there, but I consider myself a better man now than I was as a mortal. All that matters is what’s inside you, not what you are. Vampirism does not define me and if the day comes, it will not define you either.”
If the day comes. The day can come? I still can’t believe it. He can’t be right, can he? Mom stifles a cry, but I can’t look at her. Can’t see the fear I know is in her eyes.
I nod at my dad, not trusting myself to speak. My eyes stay on him. I’m not sure if I’ve tuned Mom out or if she’s hidden her cries, but I feel the tension rolling off her and nearly bowling me over.
If I become a vampire, Mom will hate me. The knowledge is like a brick wall between us.
“No, little one. That isn’t true,” Dad says.
A tear rolls down my face.
“Can I continue?”
Please. It takes a minute for me to realize I only thought the word and did not speak it. I’m not sure I have a voice left. My dad smiles at me. Can you hear me?
A nod is my reply, before he continues. Somewhere in the crazy back of my mind, I hear myself thinking, Holy crap! There really is super-human vampire hearing!
“The moment I saw your mom, I knew I needed her. She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. The more I got to know her, the more I loved her. She’s so kind, so good. Just like you.”
Mom doesn’t reply, but I smile at him. He loved her. He loves her. Will he love me too?
“I already do, little one.”
I feel it. Feel him and I know it’s soon. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I think I love him too.
“I’ve never felt like I did when I was with your mother. I was the luckiest man in the world, yet I hated myself at the same time. No matter how much I loved her, I was still deceiving her. Had she known what I was, she never would have loved me, so I lied to her. I thought maybe if I could make her love me enough, then it wouldn’t matter.” His gaze drifts to Mom before his eyes settle on me again. “I was wrong.”
“Your time is almost up, Christopher.” Mom’s voice is completely detached.
I turn to her. “Then I leave with him.”
My dad cuts in, continuing his story. “It wasn’t her fault. There’s no excuse for the pain I caused her.”
“What made you…I mean, why did you tell her?” My voice cracks. I can’t believe I’m actually hearing this. That I’m sitting in the room with my vampire father.
“I’d like to think it’s because it was the right thing to do, but really it’s because she became pregnant with you. Abby, you will never be able to fully understand the emotions that went through my head when I sensed you growing inside her. I’ve never been so happy, little one. I knew you would be perfect, just like you are. A little part of me and her. The child I never deserved to have, but wanted so fiercely.
“I knew about you long before your mom did. I felt your energy, your life growing inside of her. When she realized, I knew she would tell me, and I knew I would then have to tell her everything. I never dreaded—yet at the same time anticipated—a conversation so much in my two hundred years. I hoped she could accept what I was.
“When your mom told me about her pregnancy we were so happy. She was so scared, because of her parents, but happy. We both wanted you so much.”
I hardly breathe I’m so into what he’s saying. This is my past, everything I’ve always wanted to know is being laid out for me. And they wanted me. They loved me.
“But then, I told her the truth. I told her I was a vampire, and, understandably, the knowledge frightened her.”
He turns to Mom. “I tried to tell you everything that night, Red. I wanted you to have all the answers, but then things got…out of hand.
“You should have told me from the beginning!” Mom shouts.
“How could I have? You wouldn’t have believed me and I didn’t want to lose you. You meant everything to me.”
“So you lied? You let me fall in love with a monster?”
Dad flinches.
“And you left me without answers all these years? My family wanted nothing to do with me because I got pregnant. Abby and I lost everything.”
“I planned to tell you that night. I couldn’t lie anymore, but you wouldn’t let me and when the other vampires came, I just needed you safe. You wanted me gone and I hoped you would be better without me.” Dad shakes his head, looking sad.
“Afterward, I stayed away, but I was never gone. I watched her. Checked in on you both, hoping there would never come the day where I had to tell Abby what I am. The last thing I ever wanted to do is hurt either of you, or disobey what I know you would want, Red.”
Mom’s tears are matching mine now. The exact reason, I’m not sure, but I can’t focus on that. All I keep thinking is that he loved me. He watched over me. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I feel connected to him… a bond I can’t explain. A link tethers me to him. He wants me. He loves me.
I open my mouth to speak, but I don’t have to.
“I always wanted you and I’ve always loved you. And yes, I check on you every couple months, making sure everything was okay. You’ve made me so proud, little one.”
I sob. Years of pain and wonder seep out of me, floating on my tears and are replaced with happiness. He’s not human, and honestly I’m a little freaked out about that. Heck, I don’t even know if I’m human, but all that matters is he loves me too. When you don’t have something for so long, even if you get it and it’s not what you expected, it doesn’t matter. No matter what, he’s my dad.
It’s mom who interrupts my thoughts. “You said you wanted to tell me everything all those years ago, but you didn’t. So what don’t I know about my daughter? I want the truth, now.”
Chapter Nineteen
“Mom, stop!” I beg her. “He said he’ll tell us everything and he will.”
“Abigail--”
“She only worries about you,” Dad cuts her off. “She wants what’s best for you.” He turns to Mom. “I’m getting there, Patricia. I need you both to know the whole story.”
Mom’s quiet so he can continue. “When I told your mom, she didn’t believe me. At first she thought I was crazy.”
Yes…my life is ironic, isn’t it?
“One look at her face when she finally realized I was telling the truth about what I was, and I knew I killed whatever love she had for me. I tried to explain, but she was too scared, too angry. I deserved it. She begged me to leave her alone. To walk away from you. It was better for you both, she said. But I didn’t want to leave my girls. We fought and I yelled at her… It’s my fault. I should have told her long before then.” He shakes his head. ”
“That’s when I sensed them. Others of my kind. Like with humans, there are good and bad vampires, little one, and these were violent… inhuman and not the kind I wanted around you or your mother. I yelled for your mom to run and hide. The vampires were in an abandoned building so I followed their s
cent. We fought, and by sheer will to protect my girls, I killed them. I could still hear your mom’s thoughts: her fear, anger, sadness. Her wish that this was all a dream, and that she and her child would have a normal life.”
A normal life… What a coincidence. What I’ve always wanted is what Mom wants for us too.
“That’s all she wanted for you. She wanted you to have the best life possible, as did I. I knew the best way for that to happen was for me to disappear… so I set the building on fire. My plan had been to die in that building, to give you both the freedom from my world that you deserved, but I couldn’t. I thought about the vampires I’d just killed. There would be more out there. How would I keep you safe if I were to die? I knew Isaac would come one day.”
I immediately wonder who Isaac is, but don’t have time to ask.
“And you, little one, what might happen on your eighteenth birthday if you changed and I wasn’t there? I thought of you alone and scared in the new life that might come to you. I thought about Isaac wanting to collect you the way he does so many things so I had no choice but to flee the flames. I knew your mom would think I was dead and she could continue to think that way, unless the day ever came where you needed me. That day has come…”
“No!” Mom screams. “No, no no no no….” The same scream echoes in my head, but I can’t bring myself to open my mouth and utter it. Thoughts of who Isaac is are gone. Or not gone, but mixed with what else he said. I thought of you alone and scared in the new life that might come to you…What might come on your eighteenth birthday. That day has come… But I’m not eighteen! Does it really matter? Now or then. Oh, God. A vampire? I might become a vampire on my eighteenth birthday? Oh, God. I’ll never be normal. Not ever. Never, never, never.
“Yes, little one. I’m sorry. We have no way of knowing if you will change until that day.”
Mom lunges at Dad, screaming and hitting him in the chest. “What have you done, Christopher? You should have told me! I should have known!” She can hardly speak through her tears as she wails, “Not my Abby. Not my baby girl. She will never be a monster!”