by Gemma Weir
“Promise you’ll come home for Thanksgiving,” she pleads.
“I promise,” Valentine says earnestly, his cheeks a little pink.
Unable to resist, I watch as Uncle Sleaze steps forward and pulls Valentine into a tight hug. Pulling back, he lifts his hands and places them on either side of Valentine’s face. “Love you, kid, see you soon.”
Valentine nods. “You’ll come for parents’ weekend?” He asks quietly.
“Of course. We wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Valentine’s gaze falls to the floor, then he mutters. “Love you guys.”
Both of his adoptive parents surge forward and engulf him in a tight group hug and I look away, already having intruded on their private moment for too long. When I focus my attention back on my own parents, the reality that they’re about to leave, to get on a plane and go home without me finally dawns.
Rushing forward, I wrap my arms around their waists and hug them both tightly. “I love you,” I say into my dad’s chest, my voice breaking as tears fill my eyes.
After several more rounds of goodbyes, our parents load into the huge SUV they rented and drive away.
In the end our parents hadn’t let Valentine buy a place, but instead purchased the house we just moved into between them.
Our new home is a five-minute walk from campus. It’s a craftsman style house with a wide front porch that circles the entire place. It’s far too nice really for a group of college students to live in.
The house is a five bed, two bath, with a family room, large kitchen, and a basement. Uncle Echo insisted that Nova’s bedroom be as far away as possible from Valentine’s, but I think we all know that they’ll be sharing a bed every night from now on.
Our families decked the house out with everything we could possibly need, including all brand-new furniture and even an entire basement full of gym equipment for the guys to use. It feels a bit surreal to be living in such a nice place when we should be living the proper student life in a crummy apartment with thrift store furniture, but at least we’re together.
I would have liked to experience dorm life; this house and all this stuff feels a little bit too much like home. But even as I think that I feel ungrateful. We only just moved in and I’m already unsure how I’ll juggle my past with the new life I’m hoping to make here, because I’m not sure I’ll be able to bring any new friends I make back to the house. How would I explain away this luxury without telling them about my family?
“College, baby,” Zeke shrieks, scooping me up off the floor and twirling me around.
Pushing all of my doubts and fresh fears down I smile and shout “College, baby,” as Nova, Valentine, and Griffin shout too. Then as a group we troop back into the house, our house, and shut the door behind us.
Hours later when the sun has dropped and crisp fall air coats the evening, I sigh exhaustedly. The last couple of days have been overwhelming. From packing up all of my stuff, to loading the U-Haul’s and making the long journey from Texas to Alabama; to saying goodbye to my mom and dad and knowing I won’t see them for at least a month, I feel completely drained.
The need to curl up beneath my comforter and lose myself in words is almost overwhelming, but I fight it and my solitary nature and force myself to stay with my friends. This is the new me, the one who can laugh and joke and be social. This is college me: brave, bold Emmy. I don’t have to live in books because this is a brand-new world to explore, and maybe if I give it a chance it could be just as exciting, just as invigorating as a story is.
I spend the rest of the night quietly watching my friends laugh and joke and smile. It’s moments like this when I’m reminded how different I am to them. I wouldn’t consider myself a loner, but I’m also not the type of person who needs constant company or to be entertained. Sometimes I’m just content to sit and watch the world go by.
I love the idea of living with them all for school, so much more than being in a tiny dorm with a stranger, but I’m also terrified of never having a moments peace. Zeke and Griff love to be around others. I’m not sure they even know how to be on their own. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just not something I fully understand.
When Nova was diagnosed with anxiety earlier this year, she fought to regain control of her own mind, and force herself out of her comfort zone. Sometimes I’m in awe of her strength. But I’m not like her. I don’t find parties stressful; I just don’t see the purpose.
I want a new life, new experiences, but I’m not sure I’m brave enough to push my own boundaries. Maybe I just want to be a voyeur on a new life, to watch without actually having to participate?
The idea of meeting new people without the preconceptions that come with being a Scion is titillating. But really, what’s more likely to happen is that I’ll watch others make those connections while I sit with my noise-cancelling headphones on, surrounded by the music flowing into my ears!
Internally I scold myself. No. This is my future. A fresh start with lifelong bonds. The new and old blending together in a brand-new future that I can’t wait to start. I have to force myself to be the person I so desperately crave to be. No one can do that for me. No one else can make me reach for those dreams I’ve put on a pedestal and longed for. I have to do it for myself.
From now on this house will be my safe harbor and my friends my anchors. They’re my binding to this version of myself, while I experiment with a new me. Inhaling deeply, I take another moment to look at the family surrounding me and for a tiny second, I wonder why I would ever want anything more than this.
Growing up is so confusing. I’m content and restless. Happy, but wistful. I’m a swirling maelstrom of contradictions.
Suddenly I’m drowning and adrift beneath a wave of apprehension, doubt and fear. I reach over and grab Griffin’s hand and his attention turns to me. There’s a knowing look in his eyes, as if he sees right through me, to the very core of me, and he can tell without me saying a thing that I need a tether.
“I need my snuggle time, you’ve been slacking recently,” he says with a laugh that doesn’t reach his eyes. Then he pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly, calming me, binding me. In this moment, he’s my anchor, my axis and I allow my body to crush against his, needing him more than I have in years.
The next morning, I wake up early, the unfamiliar bed and room disturbing my sleep. The morning light filters through my drapes and I pull in a deep breath and let it out slowly, the sound of my exhale loud in the silent house.
The straight out of the packet sheets rustle beneath me and I snuggle further under my comforter, enjoying the way the crisply starched sheets feel against my skin. My new bed is incredibly comfortable, my room calm and relaxing, but even though it’s filled with lovely things it isn’t home and a pang of longing for my childhood bedroom hits me.
I shake my head, banishing the maudlin thoughts away and instead focusing on the fact that I just spent my first night in my new home. The one I live in without my parents, the one I share with my best friends. A small squeal of excitement bursts from me and I kick my heels against the mattress.
Reaching for my cellphone, I check the time. It’s not even 7am and we don’t have anywhere to be until the freshman orientation fair this afternoon. I could, should, get up and go explore our new town, or I could be lazy and stay in bed, something I’ve never been allowed to do at home.
Smiling widely, I fluff the pillow beneath my head, reach for my Kindle and decide to stay put, warm and cosy in my new bed and read. Like every other time I find an amazing book, I lose all concept of time. I imagine myself in a land full of Fae and mythical creatures, my heart racing as the hero dives through a shower of arrow fire to rescue the woman he loves, his destined soulmate, his one and only.
When my bedroom door flies open, I know my solitude is done and I’m only slightly annoyed by the interruption. “Griffin, have you forgotten how to knock? I could have been naked.”
“At least that would have been interestin
g. Jesus, Em, turn your Kindle off and get up, the freshman fair starts in an hour,” he says, bouncing down next to me on my bed.
My eyes widen and I check the time on my cell. It’s after noon. I’ve been reading for nearly five hours.
Griff reaches over and plucks my Kindle from my hand and turns it off, lifting it out of my reach when I try to grab it off him. “Nope, you’ve read enough today,” he says, arching his eyebrow at me and daring me to argue with him.
“Griff,” I warn. “Give it back.”
“Nope,” he says again, popping the letter p and smirking at me.
“I can still read on my cell you know?” I say tauntingly.
A sadness masks his expression and he sighs, dropping my Kindle to the comforter. “You know I love you, right, shortcake? But you need some time out of your own head. These last few months, you’ve been more with us than you have in years. You’ve been my little shortcake again, like you were when we were kids. I know you’ve checked back in because of everything that went down with Nova, but I don’t want you to disappear back into your books again. We missed you, Em. I missed you. I know you don’t think you really fit in with us, but that’s just some fucking bullshit you’ve told yourself to make you feel better about leaving us. You wanted this, you wanted us all to be together again, it was your choice. So if you’re in, be in. I’m not saying you have to be with us twenty-four-seven, we all need time to ourselves. Just please, please, I’m begging you, don’t lose yourself between the pages of a book again.”
His voice cracks a little as he begs me, literally begs me, to get out of my own head and be present.
Swallowing thickly, I feel my bottom lip tremble. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, so quietly that I can barely hear myself.
“Don’t cry,” Griff says, pulling me across the bed until I’m half splayed on top of him, my face pressed against his chest. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything, ignore me,” he says, his lips pressed to the top of my head, his fingers stroking down the length of my hair.
“No, you’re right. I do get lost in my mind,” I say slowly, knowing that it’s true but finding it difficult to actually say the words. This is the first time any of my friends has ever told me how they feel about my need for solitude. I always thought they understood and didn’t care, but maybe they do and I’ve just been too far gone to notice. Have I been hurting them all this time? I assumed that they hadn’t cared when I’d distanced myself, but was I wrong?
None of them ever tried to pull me back in. Or did they and I just didn’t realize that’s what they were doing? Nova always insisted on including me, asking me to every party, always picking me up for school and making sure I sat with her at lunch.
Zeke went above and beyond to make it up to me after I overheard him saying I was boring last year. In fact, now I think about it, he was almost frantic to make sure we were okay, apologizing again and again, turning up at my house with my favorite candy and the blueberry sweet tea from the next town over.
As I think about it, I realize that they’ve been frantically holding me to the group, while I selfishly kept cutting each new bind they made. I’m an asshole.
“I shouldn’t have said anything. Only this is a big new adventure for us. We could barely hold you in a tiny town. I’m fucking terrified of losing you in this big, wide world. I can’t let you go, Emmy, so maybe it would be okay if every now and then I pull that string that keeps you tied to me, to us, and reel you back in, so you don’t get too far away, or so lost in those other worlds you love so much that the binds break and you drift off completely.”
Tears pool in my eyes at his words and I nod against his chest, biting my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. “Okay.”
“I fucking love you, Em.”
“Love you too, Griff.”
I sound like a fucking pussy!
I’m begging her, literally begging her to stay with us, and I swear to God my balls just got a little smaller from how pathetic I sound. But we’re here now, we’re in our new house, in our new town and the adventure starts today. This is our new life, we’re all on the precipice of change and while Emmy is running toward the edge, I’m clinging to her and begging her not to jump.
We all saw the way Valentine’s eyes got haunted when he talked about living with strangers, so Zeke, Valentine, and I agreed that we would live off-campus even if the girls didn’t want to. Zeke and I might have told Prez this and it wasn’t long after that when he decided it would be safer for us all to be together.
Was what I did manipulative? Yep it totally was. Do I feel any regret for making sure the girls ended up living with us? I don’t regret a fucking thing.
I don’t want a new life, I don’t want new friends or a new family, I have all those things. What I want is to experience college with the most important people in my life. I want to become an adult, screw up, get drunk, celebrate my victories and commiserate my failures surrounded by people I know will be in my life forever.
I’m ready to take the next step toward my future, but why can’t that be with my family by my side?
That’s the balance Emmy doesn’t understand yet, she really thought the only way to experience and grow as a person was if she was alone, until she truly considered what being alone meant. She’s always thought of herself as this introvert outsider, but that’s not true, she chooses to keep herself isolated because she truly believes that she’s only one of us because of who her parents are.
The reality is that Emmy is a magnet, she draws people to her and without her I’m not sure the Scions would be as close as we are, at least not the way we are now. We all cling to her, we always have. She’s the glue that binds us and she has no fucking clue.
I love Nova like a sister and Zeke a brother, but I need Emmy and I refuse to lose her.
I stay wrapped in Griffin’s arms for a few minutes longer, then peel myself from him, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “I should get ready,” I say, avoiding looking at him and busying myself in my closet, pulling out clothes for the day.
Alabama in August is hot as hades, so after washing my face and brushing my teeth, I pull on a simple green sundress and flipflops, quickly braiding my hair into a loose braid that falls over one shoulder and applying some mascara and lipgloss.
I take one last look in the mirror, then leave my room with my cell in my hand, walking into the living room and finding all of my friends waiting.
“There are muffins on the counter and sweet tea in the refrigerator,” Nova says. “That dress is cute. Is it new? Can I borrow it?”
I roll my eyes. “As if you need to ask. Not that it would make a difference if I said no. You help yourself to everything in my closet anyway,” I throw over my shoulder, as I head into the kitchen grabbing a blueberry muffin. Taking the plastic cup of sweet tea from the refrigerator, I pull the paper cover off the top of the straw and drop it in the trashcan as I pass. “Y’all ready?” I ask.
“We’ve been ready for the last hour, Em,” Zeke says, his fingers tapping on the doorjamb agitatedly.
I part my lips to apologize, when Valentine stands. “Let’s go then. We walking or taking the truck?”
“Walking,” Zeke answers. “No point searching for a space in the lot when it’s only a five-minute walk.”
Valentine looks to each of us and when no one disagrees we make our way out of the front door and down onto the street. I eat my muffin and sip my tea as we walk while Nova chatters animatedly about everything from how well she slept, to how liberating it is to be living on our own.
When we reach the campus, I’m surprised to find the beautifully manicured lawns in front of the school’s main buildings filled with booths, tents, and a sea of excited freshman just like us. A tingle of excitement runs beneath my skin, making my limbs itch to rush into the fray and explore. Hayhurst is new. This isn’t Archer’s Creek where we’ve been everywhere a hundred times and everything is overly familiar and boring. Every day from now on is a brand-new exper
ience, something none of us have ever done before and now that we’re here, only a few steps away, I can’t wait to get started.
Turning my head, I glance at the others and find them all with the same expression of excited awe that I’m feeling. Griff spots me looking at him and his smile widens. “Ready?” He asks as he reaches out a hand to me.
I nod, and reach for him, entwining our fingers together. He yanks me toward him and I shriek out a laugh as I’m propelled forward, his fingers releasing mine, so he can drop his arm across my shoulders.
Together we step beneath the huge metal archway at the entrance to the grounds and onto the campus for the very first time as enrolled students.
The booths are buzzing with people. Kids—some in groups, some with their parents—meander from stall to stall, laughing and smiling and enjoying themselves. No one is looking at us, no one cares, and with that knowledge is the freedom I’ve been desperately craving for so long.
This is my opportunity to step out of the shadow of my legacy; it’s all of our chances. At Hayhurst we’re just freshman, five new faces with no history and nothing but the opportunity to be whoever we choose to be.
I don’t have to be the daughter of a biker, or the nerdy friend of the popular kids. Here I can just be Emmy. No one knows anything about me, and any friends I make will be friends through common interests or circumstance. They won’t know that my dad is terrifying or that my family is wealthy. Here I don’t have to question people’s motives, because there’s nothing to gain from knowing me.
That realization has me standing a little straighter, rolling my shoulders back and walking with an ease and confidence I’m not sure I’ve ever felt back home. Nova dealt with the pressure of our heritage by pretending to be something she wasn’t, but although my mask has never been as extreme as hers, I’ve still been wearing one. I didn’t conform like she did. Instead I decided to be invisible.
It’s unavoidable to be seen, but you can choose not to see. Being a Scion means that flying under the radar has never been an option, but over the last few years I’ve figured out how to ignore everything that’s going on around me. I figured out how not to notice. To be blissful in my ignorance and I love it.