by Gemma Weir
Ignoring his eyes that implore me to listen, I roll away until my back is to him. Frustrated tears pool in my eyes, but I blink them away, not letting them fall. Instead I close my eyes and try to pretend this entire night didn’t happen.
For a long moment he stays still, not speaking, but not getting up and leaving either. He sighs and the sound is pained, but I refuse to make him feel better right now. What I’m feeling is justified. He had no right to behave the way he did tonight, and I refuse to put up with it. If I let him get away with acting like I’m his property now, during our first few days here as adults, he’ll never stop.
A warm arm snakes around my waist, his huge body curling around me. “I’m sorry.”
Exhaling loudly, I clench my fingers into fists, my body tense in his embrace. “Don’t be sorry, just don’t fucking do it. This is why I wanted to get away from the world we were raised in. A world where I become property. I’m not an object, no one owns me.”
“You’ll never be property, Emmy. That’s not how it is, although I get how it might seem that way. The Sinners, they revere their women, just like your dad worships your mom. He doesn’t own her; it’s the total opposite. He belongs to her. She owns his bossy, terrifying ass and he’s not ashamed to admit it.”
Allowing my body to relax a little, my back melts into the curve of his body and his arm tightens around me, holding me a little closer. “I wasn’t treating you like property tonight, shortcake. I was treating you like family. Maybe I went a little too far, but I was acting with the best intentions.”
Snatching my body out of his embrace, I sit up and glare at him. “I don’t care what your reasons were. If I’d gone and ripped you away from a girl you were dancing with, you would have laughed and told me to go away, but when it’s me, you beat your fucking chest like a caveman and intimidate everyone around us. Family doesn’t have this kind of double standard. Please just go. I’m too angry to listen to your bullshit attempts at defending yourself. You were wrong, Griff, and I don’t want to be around you until you understand that.”
“Em,” Griff cajoles.
“No,” I snap, lifting my hand, signaling for him to stop.
His mouth turns down at the sides and his eyes flash with sadness.
Crossing my arms across my chest I harden my resolve. If I show even an ounce of weakness, he’ll jump on it and I’ll end up forgiving him, even though he was completely out of order.
“Em.”
“No, please just go.”
Griff sits up, pausing for a moment before he stands. He takes a single step toward me and for a moment I think he’s going to come to me, but then he sighs, visibly sagging, his shoulders slumping as he turns and leaves.
When he quietly closes the door behind him, I crumple back down onto my bed, all of my bravado evaporating. Embarrassment, hurt, anger and sadness consume me, and hot, confused tears fill my eyes.
Covering my mouth with my hand, I stifle the sob that threatens to escape, burying my face into my pillow and letting all of my emotion wrack through my body. For the first time since we spoke about going to college together, I regret my decision. Is this what the next four years are going to be like? Griff or one of the other guys taking turns to control everything I do?
The thought makes another sob burst free. Inhaling shakily, I brush the tears from my cheeks and try to harden myself. Tears are the way children behave and I’m an adult dammit.
Rolling onto my back, I stare wide-eyed at the ceiling, taking deep breaths. Tomorrow I’ll tell them that this isn’t how things are going to work. They’ll either agree and we’ll get past this, or they won’t and I’ll have to figure out what to do next.
Shit. I fucked up so fucking badly.
I’ve never seen her with a guy before. She’s never been interested and back home if a guy approached her she would either tell them to fuck off or I’d warn them away. I don’t know how to deal with this, I can’t.
Emmy isn’t the girl who dresses up like a walking wet dream and grinds up against random dudes at parties, that just isn’t her. Or at least it wasn’t in high school. Fuck, she keeps telling us that she wants a chance to be someone new, but I don’t think I ever really thought she meant it. Is this the new Emmy? Am I going to have to watch her meet douchebag guys and hook up without doing anything?
Fuck that. I can’t, I’m not that guy, I’m not that strong. I acted without thought today; all I knew was that I needed to get that asshole away from her. My vision went red and I just moved.
It’s the world’s biggest double standard that I’m pissed at her for doing something I did most weekends back home. We’d go to a party and I’d hook up with a random girl, whoever caught my eye, but tonight watching her do the same made me crazy.
Now she’s mad at me. I don’t ever remember a time where she kicked me out of her room.
My skin is crawling with the need to go back to her, to make her forgive me, to make her understand that I don’t care which version of her she is, I’ll never be okay with seeing her with random guys. I force myself to keep moving, to keep walking away from her, because everything’s too raw tonight and nothing I say now, when my hands are still shaking and my heart is still pounding, is going to make this any better.
I barely sleep and when I drag myself from my room the next morning, my eyes are gritty and red. Padding barefoot downstairs, I step into the kitchen and find Griff sat on a stool at the breakfast bar, his eyes downcast and sad.
When he sees me, he lowers his spoon to his cereal bowl and watches as I enter the room. “Emmy,” he says, his voice rough and gravelly.
“Griff, I love you, but think really carefully about what you want to say right now.”
He pauses, visibly swallows, then dips his head in a single nod. I wait, expecting him to speak, and when he doesn’t, I sigh, shaking my head and scoffing lightly beneath my breath as I stalk into the kitchen. Grabbing a cup from the cabinet, I cross to the coffee pot and pour myself a large cup, adding creamer and sugar and stirring before moving to head back up to my bedroom.
His hand on my arm stops me. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“What are you sorry for?”
“Right now, I’m basically sorry for existing. Last night, I saw that guy all over you and I just lost it.”
“I’m not yours, Griff, and even if I was, I wasn’t doing anything wrong.”
“I know,” he admits quickly. “I know you weren’t. I guess I’m just so used to assuming you don’t want guys near you. That’s always been your MO. If a guy was hanging on you at home, you’d either threaten him or one of us would, so I just did what we’ve always done.”
Huffing out a breath, I roll my eyes. “And it never occurred to you that I might want to dance with him?”
Griff shrugs. “It didn’t. You’ve never shown any interest before. The only guys you’ve ever let touch you have been us.”
I feel my eyes widen as I realize that he’s right. I’ve never been interested in guys. But that doesn’t mean he gets to behave like he did last night. “You could have just pulled me aside and asked if I was okay.”
He shrugs again and this time an ‘aw shucks’ smile tips at the corners of his lips. “That probably would have been smarter.”
“I was mortified, Griff. Our first college party and you behaved like a caveman. This is a small school. Gossip probably spreads faster here than back home and you just made me look like an idiot.”
“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice pleading.
“I’m not a child. I’m not your girl, your old lady, or your property. I won’t tolerate you behaving like a Sinner here. This isn’t Archer’s Creek and you aren’t a brother. If you want to try that shit, then in terms of hierarchy I rank higher. I’m the president’s daughter and you’re just the brother of a member. I know my dad probably told you to play guard dog, but no, just no. We’re either friends and family, or you’re my bodyguard. You can’t be both, so pick a side.”
; When I finish speaking, my chest is hitching up and down, hot emotion filling my eyes and threatening to spill. Griff’s face is pale, his eyes wide and I realize I’ve never spoken to him like this before. I’ve never needed to.
“I’m not going to stop keeping you safe, Em. That’s what family does. What I did last night had nothing to do with the club, or your dad, or me playing bodyguard. That was me doing what I thought I needed to do to keep my best friend safe. I admit that I handled things in the wrong way, I won’t go DEFCON 5 again without checking with you, but you can sure as shit believe I’ll step in if I think I need to.”
My bottom lip quivers and I bite it to keep it still. Griff’s intense gaze is firmly fixed on me and I swallow, stalling as I decide what to say. Griff and I have been friends all our lives and I get that he was just being his normal protective self, but I don’t know how to make him realize that I have to figure my own shit out and that although I appreciate him, I don’t need his help.
“Em,” he says, breaking our silent standoff.
Exhaling, my shoulders sag. I feel like no matter what I say right now, I can’t win, so instead I decide to just say nothing at all. Twisting my lips into a wry half-smile, I nod once, not acknowledging his point, but not arguing against it either. Then I grip my cup of coffee a little tighter and walk away.
My alarm buzzes and I reach across and immediately turn it off. I’m awake and have been for hours. My argument with Griff has plagued my thoughts for the last three days and the result is about three hours of sleep a night and an awful lot of tossing and turning as I play out our conversations over and over in my head.
I haven’t actively avoided him or the others, but instead I’ve drowned myself in my books and used them as an excuse for going MIA for hours on end. My friends have noticed, but they haven’t said anything.
Today is the first day of classes, the real introduction to college life and I’m excited and terrified in equal parts. I have no idea what I want to major in yet, but I’ve got a full course load of required classes and a mix of electives that will hopefully give a better insight into what I might want to specialize in. Rolling out of bed, I stretch up onto my tiptoes and lift my arms above my head. Scooping my hair off my neck I wander to the bathroom and turn on the shower, before stripping and stepping under the life affirming hot water. Just like I knew it would, the heat relaxes my muscles and by the time I’ve washed my hair and lathered my skin in vanilla scented bodywash, I feel refreshed and excited for the day ahead.
Once I’m dry, I wrap myself in a towel and pad back to my room to blow out my hair and pick my ‘first day of school’ outfit. As I’m applying my makeup my cell beeps with a text message.
Mom – Have a fantastic first day, sweetheart. I know you’ll be amazing xo.
As I read my mom’s words, a smile spreads across my lips. I’m in college. This is it: my first day, my fresh start, and I can’t wait. I finish my makeup, step up to my closet and open the door, staring inside like the perfect outfit will jump out and shout ‘wear me’.
After scanning my clothes for several long moments, I settle on a cute acid-wash denim skirt with buttons down the front, a deep red fitted t-shirt, and my tan sandals that twist around my ankles and buckle at the back. Turning from side to side I consider my reflection. I feel cute, the skirt’s not too short, and the sandals are comfortable enough to wear all day without giving me blisters.
I take a quick mirror selfie and text it to my mom. Her reply is immediate.
Mom – you look beautiful.
When my cell rings a second later, I already know it’s her. “Hey, Mom.”
“Are you excited?” She asks, her familiar comforting voice the balm I need to settle some of my nerves
“A little. I’m nervous too though.”
“You’re going to do so great, baby. I’m so proud of you. Did your dad call you yet?”
“No, not yet,” I tell her.
Her laugh is infectious. “He’s been up since five pacing. He misses you.”
“I miss him too,” I say, a little sadly.
“What’s the matter? What’s happened?” Mom asks quickly, her voice rising an octave with her panic.
“Nothing, I’m just… Griff and I had a bit of a fall out.”
“Oh, sweetie, what happened?”
Sighing, I consider telling her it was nothing, but before I can brush it off, words are falling from my mouth in a rush. “We went to a party at a frat house. Nova and I were dancing, then this cute guy came and danced with me. He was barely touching me. His name was Van and then Griff completely lost his shit. He ripped the guy away from me, went all stupid caveman and we all ended up leaving. I was so angry and just, gah, so embarrassed.”
When I finally stop speaking, I exhale and realize I feel a little better just from telling her.
“Oh, honey,” Mom says, her voice soft and sympathetic. “Have you told him you’re upset with him?”
“Oh, he knows. The party was a few days ago and I’ve barely spoken to him since. He says he’s sorry, but I think he’s only sorry I’m angry with him, not sorry because he embarrassed me and totally overreacted.”
“Sweetie, I’m not justifying his behavior, but he’s a Sinner. Your dad, your uncles, they’re all the same and if any of them saw you dancing with a guy, even if it was completely harmless, they’d all react the exact same way. Maybe cut him a little slack while he figures out the rules now you guys are in college.”
I exhale. A part of me knows that’s she’s right, but somehow that doesn’t make me any less annoyed. “You might be right,” I grudgingly admit.
“College is when you take those first steps to being an adult, and part of growing up is learning to forgive people when they make a mistake. Not every person, or every mistake. But I think if you really think about it, Griffin was only trying to protect you; something that’s so ingrained in him I doubt he could stop doing it even if he tried. By the sound of it he handled the situation in the wrong way, but if you’ve barely spoken to him for days, I imagine he’s learned his lesson. Today is an exciting, nerve-wracking day for all of you, don’t start it on a sour note. Make peace with Griffin. He’s one of your best friends and if I know him like I think I do, he’ll be hurting if you’re upset with him.”
Sighing, I silently curse my mom. “God, I hate it when you’re right,” I say snippily, but with no real heat behind my words.
Mom’s laugh echoes through the line. “I’m always right, honey.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you more,” she says, her voice softening. “Call your dad, then go hug Griffin and have the most amazing first day ever.”
“Okay, Mom, love you.”
“Love you too.”
I end the call and immediately call my dad. We spend a few minutes talking about what classes I have today, then he tells me he loves me and misses me. Grabbing my backpack, I make my way downstairs, and step into the kitchen. Both Zeke and Griffin stop and turn to look at me. A part of me wants to walk into my friend’s arms and tell him it’s all okay. Hell, all of me wants to do that, so I do.
Dropping my backpack to the floor at my feet, I walk across the kitchen and throw myself at him. Griff opens his arms and tenses like he’s half-expecting me to punch him in the gut, even as he pulls me to him and holds me so tightly, I can barely breathe.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Em. I’m so sorry,” he coos into the top of my head.
“I know, I know, it’s okay,” I say, my face pressed up against his chest.
I’m not sure how long we stand there for, but when I eventually push away from his hold, Griff’s eyes are red-rimmed and repentant. “Please don’t stop talking to us, Em. I was an idiot, not the others, just me. I’m gonna piss you off again, you know I will, but just yell at me, or hit me again. I’d rather you take it all out on me, but the silence, I can’t take the silence. Please Em, please.”
I nod, emotion clogging my throat and making it im
possible to speak. Griff grabs me and pulls me in for another bone-crushing hug.
“Oh, thank God,” Nova’s voice says and I can’t help but hear the relief in her tone.
Pulling back, I look up and find her stood in the doorway, her hands clutching at her cheeks.
“You guys made up. Yay, now we can actually enjoy our first day,” she cries rushing over to throw her arms around both me and Griff at the same time. “Get in here, bro, group hug,” she calls.
I hear Zeke’s low chuckle before his arms wrap around my back and the four of us do a weird group hug with me squished in the center.
Half an hour later we leave the house as a group, the five of us all excited to start our first full day at our new school. “What class do we all have first?” I ask, hiking my backpack a little higher onto my shoulder.
“Biology,” Zeke says, an excited gleam in his eyes.
“Philosophy,” Nova says with a grimace. “It seemed like a cool pick, but now I’m not so sure.”
“Advanced statistics,” Valentine says quietly.
“How are you taking an advanced class?” I ask.
“I started taking a few college classes while I was at the boarding school. I finished them online this summer,” he says with a nonchalant shrug.
I don’t know why it surprises me so much when Valentine lets it slip how much of a genius he is, but somehow it always does.
“Geek,” Griff coughs.
A small grin tips at the corner of Valentine’s lips. “Genius,” he says mockingly.