by Iris Morland
“Come for me, little spitfire. I want to feel it,” he growled into her ear.
It only took another thrust and her release hit her, hard and fast and relentless. She bit Carter’s palm, and it only made him laugh darkly as he came, too. The laugh turned into a tortured groan as he shuddered and slammed his fist into the mattress next to her head.
Lucy vaguely heard Carter get up, water running in the bathroom, until he returned. Her body was jelly, her heart pounding in her ears. Despite her exhaustion, she was wide awake.
How had she ever thought she wouldn’t fall in love with him?
Because she realized with a sinking heart that she was stupidly, ridiculously, completely in love with him. And worst of all, he was leaving tomorrow and hadn’t said a word about this continuing.
Lucy thought of Gwen’s advice from three nights ago. Perhaps Carter felt the same way, but he wasn’t sure of her feelings.
When he returned to the bed and wrapped her in his arms, she turned to face him. “What time are you leaving tomorrow?”
“Early. I have to catch the first ferry.”
That meant she couldn’t wait until morning to tell him. Gathering her courage, she said in a rush, “I love you.”
He didn’t react. She felt his fingers tighten on her hip, but otherwise, it was like he was made of stone.
“I didn’t know until…just now.” Lucy laughed, a little hysterical. “I know this thing we have has been weird and complicated—”
Carter cut her off. “Don’t.” He sounded anguished. “Just, don’t.”
Her heart fell to her toes. “What are you saying?”
“I’m leaving tomorrow.” He kissed her forehead and added in a gentle voice, “Go to sleep. We can talk later.”
The anxiety that had been building inside her abated. They’d talk later. That meant he saw something for them in the future. Hope filling her, she let herself be lulled to sleep in the safety of Carter’s arms.
Chapter Seventeen
When Carter stepped outside, fans mobbed him within minutes. Although most Seattleites were generally reticent to approach strangers, apparently today they made an exception for Carter. Fans of all ages crowded around him, demanding photos and autographs.
“When are you playing again?”
“You need to come back next season!”
“Were you here to see your doctor? What’s the verdict?”
Carter ignored the questions, smiling for the cameras and signing so many autographs that his hand began to cramp. He finally made some excuse and pushed his way through the crowd.
He had no destination in mind. It didn’t really matter where he went, because his career was officially over.
After multiple tests that included both X-rays and CT scans, Carter’s orthopedic surgeon had declared that his torn rotator cuff hadn’t healed to the extent it had needed to for him to return. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, he’d said in that calm doctor voice that Carter hated. But it had been a real long shot anyway. I don’t need to tell you that this is the worst injury any pitcher can get.
The fans mobbing him had only rubbed salt in the wound. Soon Carter would need to announce his retirement to the world.
At the moment, he felt nothing. A numbness, like an impenetrable fog, cloaked him. He’d expected to feel angry, at the very least. Carter had heard stories of pitchers sobbing like little girls when they’d found out they had this kind of an injury. It was a player’s worst nightmare—but it didn’t feel like a nightmare. It simply felt unreal.
Carter wandered downtown Seattle, the crowds bigger now that it was the height of tourist season. People wearing suits walked amongst families wearing fanny packs, while the homeless dotted the corners, some taking up the entire sidewalk. Carter lived in one of the high-rises near Pike Market that overlooked Elliott Bay, but he didn’t want to go home right now.
He finally decided to get out of the city because right then it felt like it was choking him. He hadn’t planned to drive south, but when he reached his old childhood home, where his dad still lived, he couldn’t feel surprised.
Maybe he’d always needed to end up here.
The house was about fifty years old, well tended despite Mike Roberts’s advancing age. He was what—seventy? Carter had lost track. He hadn’t spoken to his dad in years, although apparently he’d gotten sober in the interim. Carter had only found out about his dad’s sobriety because Mike had tried to contact him during his time in Alcoholics Anonymous. Apparently Carter had been one of Mike’s twelve steps, but Carter hadn’t been interested in being just another checkmark on his dad’s list of attempted amends.
Carter knocked on the door, waited, then knocked again. When the door opened, Carter couldn’t help the shock that rolled through him as he looked at his dad: older than Carter remembered, and now walking with a cane. But what was most striking of all was how much Carter looked like his dad, except younger and stronger.
“What do you want?” said Mike in a voice roughened by age and booze.
“Can I come in?”
Mike shrugged and opened the door further, allowing Carter inside.
The house hadn’t changed much since Carter had been a kid: the same photos, now faded with age, hung on the wall. The carpet was the same worn brown, the walls yellow-beige. The only things that were new were the leather recliner and the huge flat-screen TV that was currently blaring The Price Is Right.
“Well, since you’re here, you might as well sit down.” Mike sat down and put his feet up.
Carter didn’t sit; he wandered around the house instead. He still didn’t know what he was looking for here. Maybe he’d come because he didn’t want to be alone right now.
Lucy wouldn’t have let you do this alone, he thought. But the last thing he wanted was for Lucy to see was how low he’d fallen. It was better this way. Lucy had texted him more than once, but he’d ignored the messages.
He shouldn’t have slept with her last night, but he’d been weak. He hadn’t had the willpower to send her away. But once she realized he was a nobody with a useless shoulder, she’d forget about him. She’d probably start dating Hayden like she’d always wanted.
That thought made him want to punch a hole in the wall. Instead, he went into his old bedroom, which was filled with his dusty baseball trophies from his Little League days. Multiple framed photos of Carter’s various teams hung on the wall. He smiled when he found the medal he’d gotten for MVP when he’d been, what, eleven? That had been a great day. His dad had even tried to stay sober during Carter’s celebration party, although he hadn’t lasted more than three hours before he’d cracked a beer open.
Carter returned to the living room. A woman was screaming on the TV because she’d spun a dollar and would go on to compete in the showcase round.
“I’m retiring,” said Carter. “From baseball.”
Mike rocked slowly, his focus on the TV. “Really,” was his reply.
“I tore my rotator cuff and it’s not healed enough to let me play without seriously damaging my shoulder further.” Carter laughed hollowly. “It’s all over. Everything I worked for. Gone in an instant.”
Mike just rocked, rocked, rocked.
“I heard about that on TV, about your shoulder.” Mike glanced at Carter. “You coulda told me, you know.”
“I didn’t think you would’ve cared.”
“Suit yourself.” Mike shrugged.
Carter suddenly wished his dad would yell at him, like he had when Carter was a child. Had he come here so his dad could tell him he was a failure? How fucking twisted was that? Or maybe the child inside him had wanted the opposite. It’ll be okay, son. You’re still worth something.
Yeah, he was really fucked in the head if he’d expected something like that to happen.
“You know what? This was a stupid idea.” Carter got up, shaking his head at both himself and his dad.
“I learned a lot of things about myself when I was getting sober,�
�� said Mike quietly. “And I know I wasn’t a great dad to you.”
Carter stopped, his hand on the door frame.
“But I pushed you to become a great player. That was me. Where would you be without me? You’d be working some minimum wage job, wasting your life away.”
Carter felt that anger he’d been waiting to feel. And he reveled in it, because at least he had something to cling to right now. “Is that what you wanted to say to me? Well, thanks, Dad. You told me I was never good enough, a piece of shit, all of those things, but I guess it worked.”
“You were always like this: whining about things. Now you’re out, and what? You gonna sit and cry about it? Son, life is shit. Sooner you remember that, the easier it’ll be for you.”
Carter didn’t stay to hear the rest of Mike’s speech. There was no point, anyway.
He sat in his car for a while, remembering his childhood, and suddenly that anger he’d wanted so badly faded into the numbness from before. His dad was old, alone, and bitter, and Carter could see himself becoming like him if he weren’t careful. It was a stark realization that settled in his stomach like a ball of lead.
He saw Lucy in his mind’s eye. He groaned, resting his forehead against the steering wheel. He needed to see Lucy one last time, but what could he offer her? Nothing.
He was a washed-up ballplayer with a broken shoulder and with no future ahead of him.
A week passed without Carter responding to any of Lucy’s messages. He hadn’t called, and he hadn’t texted. By the Monday a week after Carter had left for Seattle, Lucy didn’t know what to do.
She’d told him that she loved him, and he’d said…nothing. He’d lied to her instead. She’d believed that he’d talk to her about their relationship later, but that later had yet to come. She told herself that maybe he was busy, that maybe his phone had fallen into Puget Sound, that maybe he’d been abducted by aliens. She almost wished he had been abducted by aliens: it would hurt less than the realization that he’d never cared about her at all.
There were only a few more days of filming. The excitement on set was almost contagious, but Lucy only felt dread. Once the crew packed up their things, there was no reason for Carter to return. She’d go back to LA and wonder why the man she loved had disappeared like a puff of smoke.
Her heart hurt. She’d already cried herself to sleep multiple nights. The only thing that kept her going was her work ethic and wanting no one around her to notice that she was breaking down inside.
Luckily for her, she was a good actress.
When she opened the door of her trailer after Tuesday’s filming, she stopped in her tracks when she saw Hayden lounging on her tiny couch. Things had felt somewhat less strained between them, Hayden going so far as to talk to her during breaks like they were friends.
“Why are you in my trailer?” she said, frowning.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but you keep sneaking off set the second we’re done filming.”
Lucy sat down across from Hayden, vaguely curious but too preoccupied to care much about what Hayden wanted. The more time she spent with Hayden, the more she realized how wrong he would’ve been for her. He was too conceited and thoughtless, no matter how handsome or how famous he was. She would’ve hated him within a month of dating him.
“I noticed that Carter isn’t around. Did he go back to Seattle?” Hayden’s question was casual.
“He did. Why do you ask?”
“Just curious. I’m still surprised you ended up messing around with him after what I’d told you about him and Rosie. You seem too smart for a guy like him.”
Lucy rolled her eyes. “If you’re trying to hit on me, don’t.”
Hayden put his hands up, smiling as innocently as he could. “Nothing like that. I swear. But he alluded to something I thought you should know. I already told you about our history, or his history with Rosie. Apparently he was more pissed off about that whole thing than I knew.”
Ice started to spread inside Lucy. There was something in Hayden’s eyes that made her want to throw him out of her trailer, but she was riveted to the spot.
“Apparently, Carter only started dating—well, fake-dating—you to get back at me. Hilarious, right? He’s so desperate for revenge that he thought if he got into your pants, I’d lose it.” Hayden’s smile widened, and he chuckled.
Lucy’s ears were ringing. “He told you this?”
“He did.” Hayden got up and, standing over her, put his hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I thought you should know before things go too far. You’re a nice girl, Lucy, but people in this business are rarely nice. You have to watch out for yourself.” He patted her shoulder before he left the trailer.
Lucy wondered why she couldn’t breathe. Her heart pounded so fast she had to lie down to keep from falling over. Her mind whirled round and round, repeating Hayden’s words inside her head. He’d known about her bargain with Carter, which meant that Carter must’ve told him. And based on Carter’s complete silence after she’d told him she loved him, he had just been using her for revenge.
Hayden lied about Rosie, though, her brain reminded her. But had he? Or had Rosie lied to him?
Lucy’s head hurt, and she felt sick. She wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. She felt like she had the day that Glen had touched her in his office: dirty and discarded.
The only thing she could do was find Carter and demand answers—even if those answers destroyed her love for him.
Chapter Eighteen
The day that filming wrapped, the cast and crew threw a party at Verity, the same restaurant where Lucy had agreed to her ridiculous bargain with Carter. It felt like years ago instead of weeks.
Hayden was all smiles at the party, even going so far as to throw his arm around Lucy’s shoulders. Erin was already on her third martini, and even Jim was tipsy. Lucy had never seen Jim actually smile, so seeing him laughing now was slightly unsettling. She felt like she’d been thrown into Opposite World. Next Carter would show up and tell her he loved her and wanted her in his life.
Lucy snorted under her breath. Carter hadn’t responded to her messages, and she knew now that he wouldn’t. She wanted to confront him in person, but how could she when he was probably hiding out in Seattle? She could ask Anthony, but then she’d have to tell him why. That thought alone kept her from saying anything to her sister or to her sister’s boyfriend.
Mostly she wanted to kick Carter in his kneecaps. Her devastation at his desertion had morphed into rage at his betrayal. Each day he was silent was more confirmation that Hayden had told her the truth. He’d used her, and she’d fallen in love with him. She couldn’t believe she’d been so stupid.
“You look way too sober,” said Erin in a slurring voice. She sat down next to Lucy with a giggle. “Aren’t you happy? We’re done!”
“I have to get up early tomorrow,” Lucy lied.
Erin tipped her martini glass back to catch the last few drops. “So, what’s happening between you and Hayden?” She wiggled her eyebrows. “He can’t stop hanging all over you.”
“Nothing at this point. Sorry to burst your bubble.”
Erin pouted. “I thought you were super into him? Wait, I know you were! Must’ve been because you were hanging out with Carter Roberts. Couldn’t choose which hot guy you liked the most, I bet.”
Lucy sighed. She decided she’d rather get a drink than listen to Erin babble about her sad love life. She considered leaving early and going to bed, but the thought of being alone in her room was worse than being here. It would only remind her of Carter. Tears sprang to her eyes without warning. She wiped them away hastily before anyone noticed.
“Hey, some of us are going down to the beach,” said Hayden near her shoulder. “You wanna join?”
Considering it would be freezing, Lucy was about to say no when a voice answered for her. “She’s coming with me.”
Lucy’s heart stopped. Turning, she drank in Carter’s face, hating herself for
wanting him still. Just to be contrary, she replied to Hayden, “I’d love to come. Let me get my coat.”
Hayden glanced between them both, then put up his hands. “You guys have fun. I’m not getting in the middle.”
“That’s the first time he’s done something smart,” muttered Carter.
Lucy gripped the top of the nearest chair until her fingers ached. She couldn’t help but notice that Carter seemed paler, and he had at least three days’ growth of beard. He looked exhausted and almost defeated. Had he gotten bad news regarding his shoulder while in Seattle? Her heart broke at the mere thought. Was that why he’d been avoiding her?
“You can’t just show up here out of the blue and expect me to follow you like some dog,” said Lucy. Her eyes flashed. “Why have you been ignoring my messages?”
“I’d rather explain somewhere that isn’t a bar full of people.” Carter set down a few dollars for Lucy’s drink and took her hand. “We’re leaving.”
His grip was firm enough that Lucy knew she wouldn’t get free unless she caused a scene. Both curious what he had to say and annoyed she was giving in, she said nothing to him as they walked to the bed-and-breakfast.
Gwen stood at the front when they entered. Her eyes widened, and she shot a look of concern at Lucy. Lucy mouthed, It’s fine.
When Carter shut the door to Lucy’s room, Lucy gasped in surprise when Carter kissed her. Heat burst inside her veins, and if it weren’t for the anger and hurt holding her up, she would’ve collapsed at his feet.
She pushed at his chest. “You don’t get to kiss me without explaining,” she gasped. She pushed harder at the muscled wall of his chest, but he wouldn’t let her go. “Why are you even here? You ran out of here pretty quickly when I told you that I loved you.” A flush climbed up Lucy’s cheeks, and she couldn’t help but look away in embarrassment. Her voice broke as she said, “You should’ve stayed in Seattle.”
“I was going to, but I couldn’t. You make me weak.” He sounded resigned, and it scared Lucy. She didn’t know how to respond to this Carter Roberts. What had happened to the confident and cocky Carter? She could tell that Carter to go to hell. She didn’t know if this Carter would take such words very well.