by Edward Albee
PETER
No.
ANN
All these years?
PETER
No; it’s something people do—get up.
ANN
Who are all these people? People you’ve slept with?
PETER
No! It’s what people do. Where do you go?
ANN
Some night, get up; follow me. To the kitchen, usually; a cup of tea.
(Dreamy.)
One night I sat for an hour … and I thought about having my breasts cut off.
PETER
Where!?
ANN
In the kitchen.
PETER (Puts book down; laughs.)
You didn’t!
ANN
No? Over twenty percent of us get breast cancer, and over fifty percent of those of us do die of it. What better way to avoid it if you’re young enough.
PETER
Are you?
ANN
I don’t know. Probably. Probably not.
PETER (A little hurt.)
You would tell me, wouldn’t you?
ANN
What?
PETER
If you were thinking of it … seriously.
ANN (You imbecile!)
No! I’d go to some clinic where they do that sort of thing on the fly—or the fly-by-night—and I’d go in and I’d say “Hello, I’d like to have my breasts cut off, please, prophylactic, and all, and don’t tell my hubby.”
PETER (A little embarrassed.)
Do you think there are women do that?
ANN (Very matter of fact.)
There are women do anything.
PETER
Everything?
ANN
Either; both.
PETER
You were really thinking of doing that?
ANN
I was thinking about thinking about it—about what it would be like to think about it, about doing it.
PETER
Ah.
ANN
Once you hear of an idea you never know where it will lodge itself, when it will move from something learned to something … considerable, something you might think about, which is not far from being thought about, if you wanted to, or needed to.
PETER (A sad truth.)
We all die of something.
ANN
Sooner or later.
PETER
Yes, but …
ANN
Yes, but! Oh, you do love pedantry so … dying of not doing something can be carelessness!
PETER (Appalled.)
Having your breasts cut off can be called care?!
ANN (Thinks about it.)
An extreme case; yes.
PETER
Only a crazy person.
ANN
Then there are lots of loonies around.
PETER
No one.
ANN (Slowly; articulated.)
Ma … ny.
PETER
Only a crazy person.
ANN (Shrugs.)
Have it your way.
(Laughs; a sudden remembering.)
I remember the night I thought about thinking about it. My mother had called me that day and told me she’s decided to have an affair with somebody.
PETER
(Not displeased; maybe just happy to be on another subject.)
She did?! Who?!
ANN
I don’t know—somebody.
PETER
Yes, but you said …
ANN
I said she told me—why are we moving this conversation away from me, by the way, away from something that concerns me?—that she’d decided to have an affair with somebody.
PETER
Yes!
ANN
And of course I asked who—who are you going to have this affair with?
PETER
Of course.
ANN
Not necessarily. I might not have wanted to pry—or to know.
PETER
Yes, that’s possible.
ANN
But I did: I did want to pry or know … and so I did.
PETER (Shy.)
Pry?
ANN
Ask. Who are you going to have an affair with, I said—casual-like. Hm?
PETER
And …?
ANN
And she said she didn’t know; she hadn’t decided, or maybe she hadn’t met the person.
PETER
The man.
ANN
Not necessarily. All she knew was that she’d decided to have an affair with somebody. She didn’t know who.
PETER
It just seemed like a good idea?!
ANN
Yes; or so she thought. “Does it seem like a good idea?” I asked her. “I assume it does.” “Well, not necessarily,” she said. “It might be something bad I want—of course for reasons I haven’t figured out yet.” “You get more complex with age,” I told her. “Like cheese,” she smiled. I think. “Something bad might be a good idea in that case,” I said. “Yes,” she said. “Isn’t life odd.”
PETER
Like hacking off your breasts.
ANN
Having them hacked off.
PETER
Yes; sorry.
ANN
We’re back on that, are we?
PETER
Well, it’s—did her telling you lead you to your breast thing, in some weird, convoluted female way? Her telling you about wanting to have an affair lead you to contemplating having your …?
ANN
“Weird, convoluted female way?” Who are you?
PETER
Sorry. Did it?
ANN
What, lead me to contemplating it? No, I don’t think so. Though maybe. Maybe if I had no breasts the likelihood of having an affair—if I were planning to have one—would be … well, I was going to say diminished.
PETER
Why not! Why not say diminished?
ANN
Well; probably; yes, though there are people around …
PETER
… who like that sort of thing?—lack of thing, of something?
(Feels his own.)
“Breastlessness?!”
ANN (Chuckles.)
There are people like everything—anything.
(Peter chuckles, too.)
PETER
Symmetry! God, I love symmetry.
(Serious.)
Are you … planning something?
ANN
You mean beyond dinner? Beyond feeding the cats—and the rest of the menagerie?
PETER
Yes.
ANN
Beyond thinking about thinking about something?
PETER
Yes.
ANN (Shrugs.)
Oh, I don’t know. Like what? Like having an affair—like mother like daughter? I hope not. I hope I’m not thinking about that.
PETER (Shy.)
Me, too.
ANN
You, too, what? You hope I’m not, or you hope you’re not?
PETER (Sad smile.)
Either; both.
ANN (Straight.)
Me, too.
(Pause.)
The nights are strange—you asleep; I look at you—unconscious, lost to the world, as they say.
PETER (Smiles.)
Temporarily.
ANN
Ah, well. I look at you—deep asleep, not dreaming.
(Suddenly more enthusiastic.)
Did you know that when you sleep you’re paralyzed? In deep sleep, I mean, not the dreaming, but deep sleep, your body is entirely paralyzed, except for the automatic stuff?, the breathing?, the heart? Just a fraction of one ear, so you can hear doom sneaking up, I guess—and something else, I can’t remember what. You’re entirely paralyzed?
PETER (Fact.)
Yes; I knew that.
ANN (Surprised; disappointed
.)
You did?!
PETER
Yes; we published that book on sleep. Keep up.
ANN
Damn!
PETER
Sort of a sleeper.
(Nudge.)
Joke?
ANN
Damn. What? Yes: joke.
PETER
What’s the other thing? The other part? I don’t remember.
ANN
What?
PETER
A part of one toe?
ANN
A fraction of something.
PETER
What? Come on.
ANN
I don’t remember. Keep up! Your dick, probably.
PETER
Hunh! I doubt it.
ANN
No mind of its own? No automatic … whatever?
PETER
I think …
(Stops.)
ANN (Engaged.)
What! You think what!
PETER (Pause; shakes his head.)
No.
ANN (Pleased; teasing.)
Come on!
PETER
No, now.
ANN
I won’t tell anyone.
PETER
Well … I think my circumcision is going away.
(ANN: long, slow facial response; giggles ending in guffaws. PETER rises, moves to leave the room.)
All right! All right!
ANN (Coming down from it.)
No, now! Wait!
(He pauses.)
Wait. You think … what?
(Giggles again.)
You think your circumcision is doing what?
(Chuckles.)
PETER
It’s not funny!
ANN (Sober face.)
No; of course not.
(Guffaws.)
PETER (Shutting down.)
All right! That’s it!
ANN (A hand out.)
No, no: I’m sorry.
PETER (A silence, then very objective.)
I think my circumcision is … going away.
(Sits.)
ANN
My goodness!
(Stifles laugh.)
PETER
Please?
ANN
Sorry.
PETER
You may not have noticed.
ANN
Well, no; certainly if I had I would have noticed—that I had.
PETER
It’s just that … when I … take it out to pee—my penis?
ANN (Holding on.)
Yes; I gathered.
PETER
… the foreskin looks to be … coming over the ridge of the, you know. The glans … just a little.
ANN (No comment.)
My goodness.
PETER
And when I’m sitting on the bed—when I’m naked?—I look down and it looks even more so, more of the glans seems covered.
ANN (No comment.)
Gracious.
PETER (Senses derision.)
Well, it may not mean much to you, but …
ANN
No, it does! I mean … goodness, if you’ve had a circumcised husband all these years and all of a sudden there’s a foreskin waving at you, you’re bound to wonder. I mean … who is this? What is this?
PETER
It’s not that … there is no foreskin—as such. It’s that … it seems to be …
ANN
It?
PETER
My penis? My penis seems to be … retreating.
(Pause.)
A little.
(Pause.)
Not much.
(Pause.)
But … a little.
ANN (Considers it.)
That’s so sad.
(Pause; helpful.)
Time.
PETER
Hm?
ANN
Time. Things happen, as the man said.
PETER
I just thought I’d mention it.
ANN (Cheerful.)
Certainly! Do you … do you want to have it looked at?
(More or less suppresses a giggle.)
Professionally, I mean?
PETER
No, I’ll … I’ll keep an eye on it.
ANN (Can’t help herself.)
I would; I mean …
(Musical.)
“The thrill of your glans …”
PETER
All right!
ANN (Helpful.)
Darling, if you want to regrow your foreskin …
PETER
I do not want to regrow my foreskin!
ANN
I mean, I’m sure there are ways to …
PETER (Rather ugly.)
Yeah, I know: hanging weights on it … for years! I’ve read about it.
ANN
Hanging weight on your … but it isn’t even there!
PETER
What isn’t?
ANN
Your foreskin. Except you say it’s coming back and …
PETER
That’s not what I said. What I said was that my circumcision was going away. I did not say my foreskin was coming back. For Christ’s sake! It can’t! It’s gone! A doctor took a pair of scissors and …
ANN
A scalpel, I think.
PETER
Whatever! I was a baby! Nobody asked me! They just … took it away!
ANN
And you not even Jewish.
PETER (Glum nod.)
And me not even Jewish.
(Angry.)
They should ask!
ANN
You weren’t a week old, for God’s sake.
PETER
I mean wait. They should wait … and ask.
ANN
How long?
PETER
You mean …?
ANN
What? Until you’re what—five? “Honey, do you think you’d like to be circumcised now?” “What’s that, Mommy?” “Well, darling, they take a little knife and …”
PETER (Not amused.)
No; no. Later.
ANN
The age of reason? Sixteen, or whatever? “Hey, Pete, you think you’d like to have your foreskin cut off today?” “Are you kidding?!”
PETER (Shakes his head.)
There’d be a lot more uncircumcised guys around.
ANN (Fact.)
And a lot more cervical cancer.
PETER
Really?
ANN (Nods.)
Some. What brought this on—me and my breasts?
PETER (Shrugs.)
Maybe. I don’t know.
ANN
It’s not your subject.
PETER
What?
ANN
Sex stuff.
PETER
No; I guess not.
ANN (An assessment, but not unkind.)
Mr. Circumspection.
PETER
Mmmmmm. Anyway—I thought I’d bring it up.
ANN
Well, I’m glad you did.
PETER
Really? Are you really glad?
ANN
What!
PETER
That I brought it up—my circumcision going away, or seeming to.
ANN (Thinks.)
Same thing … no?
PETER (Wry smile.)
Not your field.
ANN
Well, clearly you wanted to bring it up; clearly it’s been bothering you.
PETER
Not bothering … bemusing. Bemusing me.
ANN
Whatever. I appreciate being told—your … sharing.
PETER
You’re welcome. Obviously it wasn’t noticed.
ANN
“Noticed”?
PETER
Never mind.
ANN
I’m sorry.
PETER
It’s all right.
Do they ask the parents? At the hospital? Before they do it?
PETER
What?
ANN
Circumcision.
PETER
I don’t know. We have daughters … remember?
ANN
Yes. I think I remember reading it’s … customary.
PETER
What?
ANN
Doing it.
PETER
You could sue; I could sue.
ANN (Smiles.)
And what would they do … sew it back on?
PETER
Maybe.
ANN
You mean you think they’ve kept it around for the past—what?—forty-five years … in a bottle somewhere?
PETER
What?!
ANN
Your foreskin. In a bottle somewhere in case you sued them?
PETER
Don’t be silly.
ANN
I wonder what we’d have done if we’d had a son.
PETER
What? Circumcision?
ANN
Yes. If they’d asked us.
PETER (Short pause.)
Damned if I know.
ANN (Gruff voice; imitating.)
“Well, sir, that’s a fine bouncing baby boy you’ve got there!”
PETER
I’ve never understood “bouncing.” They don’t … bounce it, do they? To see if …
ANN
Don’t be silly: it’s a figure of speech—your field.
(Imitation again.)
“… fine bouncing baby boy! Shall we trim its penis for you—for him?”
PETER
I’d say “no.” If they came at me like that, I’d say “no.”
ANN
Hmmmm. I suppose I’d leave it up to you.
PETER
Male stuff, eh?
ANN
There are things.
PETER
And there are woman things, too? Things you and the girls talk about and make decisions; things I don’t know about?
ANN
Don’t be silly: they’re barely teenagers. This isn’t Africa; we don’t circumcise our daughters.
PETER
That’s disgusting—what they do—those tribes do!
ANN
Yes.
(Pause.)
It cuts down on the infidelity, though.
PETER
What does?
ANN
Circumcising the girls—and they don’t usually do it at birth. They wait—until puberty I think.
PETER
Ugh!
ANN
Then they do it—hack off the clitoris.
PETER
Stop!
ANN
Kills all the sensation—all the pleasure, when they’re old enough for pleasure. Cuts down on infidelity, as I said. No pleasure, no reason—no physical reason.
PETER
So does cutting off the breasts.
ANN
Hacking.
PETER
Yes.
ANN
Circle!
PETER
Hm?
ANN
Full circle.
PETER (Smiles.)
Oh. Yes.
(Pause.)
What did you want—when you came in?
ANN
When?
PETER
When you came in.