by Jill Shalvis
Kinsey stared at her for a full ten seconds before words came to her. “A surprise,” she repeated carefully.
“Yes.”
“That’s not a surprise,” Kinsey said carefully. “That’s a damn secret. A surprise and a secret are two very different things. A surprise is something done out of affection and is based in love. A secret is a lie, based in fear.”
“That’s . . . not how I see it.”
“Okay, so tell me this,” Kinsey said. “Do you have the results yet?”
“No.”
“So if you’d found out you weren’t a match, would you have ever told me?”
Brynn hesitated.
Kinsey’s brows shot up.
Brynn sighed. “I don’t want to answer, on the grounds that it’ll incriminate me.”
“See?” Kinsey said. “Secret.”
At this, Brynn did something that would’ve made Kinsey laugh under just about any other circumstance. She rolled her eyes so hard they probably almost fell out of her head. It was a move Kinsey recognized on a soul level, as she herself had taught it to Brynn. She actually felt proud, but also furious. And a little terrified. “I’m not ever going to take a kidney from you.”
“Deck and I had this conversation, and yes, you will,” Brynn said. “If I have to shove it down your throat myself.”
Kinsey jabbed a finger in her direction. “We’re not doing this, not here, not now. Not ever.” Shaking her head, she pulled out her phone.
“What are you doing?” Eli asked.
Getting myself a one-way ticket out of here. “Calling Deck to come get me. This was a bad idea.” She hit Deck’s number, realized what she was doing just as he answered in that low baritone, and quickly hit disconnect.
Dammit. She was such a chickenshit. She wanted to see him. She’d been wanting to since the day she’d walked away, but she hadn’t known how to reach out. Now, because she was a dumbass who’d acted on sheer emotion, she’d called and hung up. She might as well have shown up on his doorstep and thrown herself at him. Same thing. Worse, she knew Deck, who knew her just as well. He’d consider the hang-up a call for help. She’d just single-handedly set feminism back a good decade by playing the damsel in distress.
This wasn’t the right way to reach out to him. It wasn’t fair and she knew it. So when her phone began ringing with an incoming call—which she knew was him without even looking because her nipples got hard—she sent him to voice mail.
Yeah. A dumbass through and through. At least she was consistent in her failures.
“Sometimes,” Brynn said quietly, “people keep secrets because it’s easier than the hurt and disappointment that knowing those secrets will lead to.”
Knowing Brynn as well as she did now, how badly her sister had been hurt, from childhood bullying to her ex destroying her confidence and self-esteem, most of the fight left Kinsey. She couldn’t help but wonder if she’d known back in summer camp the things she knew now, how everything might’ve gone differently. She’d like to think she’d kick the ass of anyone who was mean to Brynn.
And yes, she got the irony of that statement. But to be fair, she’d been kicking her own ass plenty lately. “Since we’re all mad at each other, we should go home.”
Brynn shook her head. “This is happening.”
Oh, goodie. Her sister really was as stubborn as she was, maybe even more, and that was saying something.
The next hour of the road trip was quiet. Kinsey knew why she was quiet. She was still trying to figure out a way to end this crazy trip. Eli was in his driving zone. And the only reason Brynn was quiet was because she’d fallen asleep.
Clearly she wasn’t burdened with a nightmare trip of her own making. She had no secrets; her life wasn’t exhausting in the way Kinsey’s was.
When Eli pulled off the freeway in Bakersfield and into a gas station, Brynn sat up, rubbing her eyes. “We here?”
Eli pushed her hair out of her face. “Getting gas,” he told her, and got out of the car.
Kinsey followed him. Eli stood at the pump, watching her come around the car toward him.
“So,” she said quietly. “Guess we’re in a bit of a pickle.”
Eli shook his head in disgust. “There’s no ‘we’ in this pickle, Kins. This is all on you.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
“You’ve got to tell her. Before we fucking get there.”
“Hello, I tried.”
He rolled his eyes.
“Fine,” Kinsey said. “I know. I will, I promise.”
“And then what?”
“And then what what?”
“Do you have a plan? She’s going to be devastated,” he said.
Like she didn’t know that. “I’m just trying to protect her.”
He didn’t bother with words: he didn’t need to. It was all in his eyes. He was pissed off at her. Well, he could join the club. She was pissed off at herself too. “There hasn’t been a moment to tell her,” she said.
“There’s been more moments than you deserve.”
Absorbing the unexpected hurt of his barbed words, she let out a low, hurt, “Wow.”
Eli slid angry eyes her way and then softened slightly. “Look, I get it,” he said quietly. “You don’t want her hurt. But you went about this all wrong, and now she’s going to pay for that.”
“Don’t even try to tell me that this is just about that,” she said. Huh, look at that, she could get angry too. Actually, she was already angry. “For you, this is about you two.”
“Hell, yeah, it is. You already nearly derailed us once and now you’re at it again, all because you refused to tell her everything she needed to know.”
Brynn got out of the car. “What are you guys arguing about?”
Kinsey froze.
Eli did not freeze—he never did. “Kinsey’s being Kinsey,” he said.
He had an answer for everything. Kinsey strode off, heading for the convenience store. She heard Brynn say, “Take it easy on her, okay? She’s probably really nervous about meeting up with our dad.”
And Kinsey’s heart, the one she’d thought dead, slowly rolled over in her chest and exposed its underbelly. Frustrated, scared, she loaded up on goodies. Some days, sugar was better than any anxiety med out there. She’d been working hard at finding a reason to be mad at Deck, at Eli, at Brynn . . . all of them, simply because they’d had the misfortune to be the people she cared deeply about. Like it was their fault that her heart beat for them. She knew this was stupid and irrational. She knew none of them had done anything wrong.
But she couldn’t help herself. She self-detonated her happiness on a regular basis, but this time was different because she was doing it to keep them safe.
From loving her.
And now her own inability to adult was going to cost more than just her own burgeoning relationship with Brynn. It was affecting her and Eli as well.
She was going to need more chips, and grabbed additional bags. Five should do it.
Eli walked into the convenience store to pay and stopped short at the sight of her, arms loaded. Switching directions, he picked up a shopping basket and gestured for her to dump her load into it.
Her eyes filled with tears.
Eli didn’t sigh. He didn’t look pained. He set the basket on the ground and wrapped an arm around her, kissing her on top of her head. And then, like always, he went right for the heart of the matter. “You’ve got the chance to get what you’ve always wanted, Kins. She clearly loves you. She’s not going to blame the fact that your dad’s an asshole on you. But you know her. You know she worries about failing those she loves. She’ll feel like bringing you here was her bad.”
Kinsey sniffed. “I know! But I can’t tell her now that we’re here. And yet I can’t take her there either. He’s going to be awful. It’ll break her.”
“Is that the reason you haven’t told her? Oh, Kins.” He hugged her. “Just talk to her about it. Talk about real expectations,
how you’re feeling, and where you’re both at.”
“I’m sorry, have you met me?”
“I just don’t want to see you get hurt, and if you don’t tell her, I can promise you that you will hurt her.”
She sighed. “I just want . . .”
“What?”
“I want her to like me.” There she said it. She closed her eyes. “I know I’m not all that likeable, E. I’m cold. I’m selfish. And such a bitch.”
He gave her a quick squeeze. “We all get over it. I did.”
This had her choking out a rough laugh. She wrapped her arms around his waist and set her head on his chest. “You know what I love about her the most? She’s not afraid to be happy.”
“You could be happy. If you let yourself.”
She sighed. “Don’t you ever get tired of being my person?”
“Never. And for the record, I might not always like you, but I always love you. Always, Kins.”
She sniffed and buried her face in his shirt.
“You’re not snot-rocketing me, are you?”
She just hugged him harder. He was still letting her do that when Brynn came in and smiled. “Group hug!” She squeezed herself in between the two of them and added her love to the mix.
Over her head, Kinsey’s gaze met Eli’s, and she knew there was only one thing to do.
Make sure they didn’t get to her dad’s house.
Chapter 24
Brynn’s nerves were dancing as Eli finished gassing up the car. She’d been trying to put on a brave front because Kinsey had been getting quieter and quieter the closer to Bakersfield that they got, going more and more into her own head with every mile.
She hadn’t even sung along to the ’80s rock station Brynn discovered. Who didn’t sing along to “Livin’ on a Prayer” when it was blasted out the window at full volume on a long stretch of highway with no traffic, the wind blowing back your hair? But Kinsey was still pale, almost green, really, and she seemed tense enough to shatter.
“Do you need food, maybe?” Brynn asked her, not sure how she could with the sheer amount of crap food in a bag in her arms. Brynn herself couldn’t have eaten a bite to save her life, but Kinsey nodded.
“Do you want to eat before we go see him?”
“Yes,” Kinsey said, almost gasped, and so quickly that Brynn was bummed she’d made the offer.
“You sure you’ll be able to eat? It might just be nerves, and the only thing that’s going to be able to fix that is going to see him.”
“Doubt that,” Kinsey muttered.
Eli gave her sister a long look, but said nothing. They got back into the car and ended up at a pancake house. “Yeah?” Eli asked Brynn.
“Yeah.” She leaned over and gave him a soft kiss. “Thanks.”
He slid a palm to the nape of her neck and kissed her back.
“Oh my God,” Kinsey muttered, and got out of the car, slamming the door. She strode into the restaurant.
When Eli and Brynn entered, Kinsey was nowhere to be seen.
“I’ll get her,” Brynn said. “You get us a table.” She then walked through the restaurant and checked the bathrooms. No Kinsey. She walked back through the huge place, which wasn’t overly crowded. No Kinsey. And no Eli either.
Then she heard a familiar voice in her sister’s I’m-going-to-kick-ass tone, so she headed that way, finding them in a back corner at a booth facing away from her.
Arguing.
A bad feeling came over Brynn, and she marched over there. “Okay,” she said. “Spill it. Tell me what I’m missing.”
Kinsey looked up, eyes filled with remorse and guilt.
“Goddammit.” Brynn shook her head. “No puppy eyes. I want the truth. All of it. What are you still hiding?”
“Tell her, Kins,” Eli said. “The truth, all of it this time, starting with the fact that you know who he is, and you also know where. She deserves to know.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Kinsey asked. She scrubbed a hand down her face and looked at Brynn. “I have one more secret. I held it too long, and then tried to tell you in the car, but—”
“Don’t blame this on her,” Eli said quietly.
Kinsey closed her eyes. “You’re right. This is all on me.” She opened her eyes again. “Here’s the thing. I . . . love you.”
“Uh-huh,” Brynn said. “Tell me what you’re not telling me or I walk out of here.”
“Harsh,” Kinsey said.
“Love isn’t about being gentle. Or protecting people. It’s about being there to pick up the pieces when everything falls apart. Right now, I’m not feeling loved, I’m feeling managed. Mismanaged.”
Kinsey nodded. “I know where our dad is.”
“Yeah. Because I told you.”
“No, I mean I knew before. I’ve . . . always known,” Kinsey said very softly, clearly ashamed of the words.
Brynn stared at her, then Eli, who’d clearly known as well. Gripping her purse, she considered chucking it at them both. But she loved her purse and didn’t want to get it dirty. Besides, the one funny thing was that it wasn’t anger coursing through her veins. Nope. It was hurt and betrayal, and there was nothing she could throw at them that would take away either of those things. “I asked you for one thing. The truth from here on out.”
Kinsey closed her eyes, looking exhausted and sick.
Brynn tried to harden her heart to that. “Did you give him a head’s up that we’re coming? Did the two of you have a great laugh about me butting in?”
Eli shook his head. “That’s not how it was.” He looked at Kinsey. “Tell her.”
“She won’t understand.”
“I understand plenty,” Brynn said. “And you know what? I’ve changed my mind. Don’t tell me. I wouldn’t believe you anyway.” She turned to go. Where she planned on going, she had no idea, but Eli stepped in front of her.
“Give her a minute,” he had the nerve to say to her.
Brynn shook her head. “She’s used up all her minutes with me. The meter’s empty.” She realized it wasn’t just hurt and betrayal pummeling her, but also humiliation. “Do you want to know why I jumped at the chance to live with you guys?”
“Well, ‘jumped’ is a bit of a stretch,” Kinsey muttered.
“Because I wanted to belong. For once. I never have, you know. I’ve got no idea how to be . . . normal.”
“You’re kidding me, right?” Kinsey said, standing now to go nose to nose with her. “You think you’re not normal?” She spread her arms. “You don’t know the meaning of not normal!”
Brynn stared at her, once again feeling like that stupid little kid, alone and scared at summer camp, homesick, and trying to deal with the mean girl. “Why did I think you’d changed? Why the hell didn’t I remember how awful you were?”
Kinsey sighed and deflated like a birthday balloon. “Oh, you remembered,” she said quietly. “I told you I’d changed, and you believed me.”
“Well, that was stupid of me.”
“No, it was hopeful,” Kinsey said. “And I love that about you. You’re always willing to believe the best in people, and I took advantage of that because I wanted you to be in my life so badly.”
“Are you kidding me right now?” Brynn asked in disbelief. “You hated that Eli brought me home. You went kicking and screaming into this so-called relationship. You wanted nothing to do with it, or me.”
Eli made a sound low in his throat—regret?—but he didn’t speak. In fact, she realized, he’d stepped back, making sure that this moment was about her and Kinsey, not him. But the look on his face was remorse and sorrow, and if she hadn’t been so upset it’d have actually stolen her breath. But she was upset, devastated actually, so much so that she could hardly even see.
Kinsey looked down at her own shoes, like she needed a moment. They were pretty great shoes: strappy high-heeled sandals in a label Brynn couldn’t afford. Kinsey didn’t have that much more money than her; she just shopped like a pro when B
rynn couldn’t be bothered. Brynn preferred the easy route. Kinsey wouldn’t know easy if it hit her in the face.
Her sister looked up then, her eyes suspiciously shiny. Which was odd, because Kinsey didn’t often show her true feelings. “Fine,” she said. “I lied to you. I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to never have to do this. But don’t stand there and say you’ve never lied.”
“We made a pact to be honest with each other,” Brynn said.
“No, that was you, not me. I never promised that. I couldn’t have promised that. Because this is bigger than whatever you think of me right now, Brynn. I’m a walking, talking expiration date. Do you realize that? I try to stand back, keep myself distanced so I don’t hurt someone when my time’s up.”
Brynn’s chest tightened unbearably, and hell if her own eyes didn’t well up. “That’s bullshit. People want to love you, Goddammit. It’s not fair of you to hold back from the people you care about when those fears of yours about the future might never happen.”
Kinsey stared at her, shook her head, and turned to Eli. “Talk some sense into her. Tell her.”
He gave a slow shake of his head. “She’s right, Kins.”
Oh, no. Hell no. He didn’t get to side with Brynn now. Taking a big step back from them, she said, “I can’t do this. I came back to Wildstone to . . . heal. I’d been naive. Stupid. And so I made a pact with myself. I would still try to see the best in people, but only until they revealed otherwise, and then poof, I’d be gone. But once again, I failed myself. You lied and I stayed. Twice. So really, this is my fault. I mean, I can’t even remember why I’m doing this, fighting for these relationships. And I sure as hell don’t know why I moved in, or why I wanted to make this work. Coming home was the biggest mistake of my life, and believe me, I’ve made some doozies.” And with that, she turned and started walking.
ELI JUST MANAGED to catch Brynn at the back door of the restaurant, barely. He put a hand over her head on the wood and held it shut with one hand, using his other to turn her to face him.
She leaned back against the door and glared up at him from eyes broadcasting pain and betrayal and a sadness that grabbed him by the throat.