Why was he so scared?
It’s not like any of them were discussing anything awful. Zin was being perfectly pleasant and charming, keeping her conversation to safe topics. Louann had been positively extroverted when the conversation had turned to gardening, which meant she must really like Emil. Kit managed to add a sentence or two to the conversation over the next half an hour, but that was all. Hopefully the others would ascribe it to tiredness. Then the meal was over and Louann was clearing the table and shooing him upstairs and the fog of panic broke when Emil caught him and slid Kit’s hand between both of his.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
Emil didn’t buy that. “Can we talk? Somewhere private?”
Kit nodded and made for the stairs before his brain caught up: Emil has nowhere to sleep tonight. Last time he was here you made him stay on Zin’s couch. That was a stupid thing to worry about. He worried anyway.
Kit sat down on his mattress. Emil joined him after carefully closing the door, but he left some space between them.
“Hey,” Emil said gently. “We’ve been through a lot—and you’ve been through more than me—in the past few days, and you just got a very strange offer from Quint, and I just want you to know that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I won’t pressure you about that or… anything else.”
Great. Now Emil was being all mature and experienced and nice. And Kit was so tired and mixed up, he sort of wanted to cry. He brought his knees up, wrapped his arms around them, and hid his face.
“You saved me,” Kit said. “You risked your life to do it.”
“I didn’t do it so you’d owe me back,” Emil said. “It wasn’t a transaction.”
“I don’t know how to do this, Emil.”
“What do you mean, ‘this’? Are you worried about Quint—”
“Have a relationship like a real person!” Kit said, lifting his head and looking Emil in the eye. “I don’t know how.”
“You’re smart—and you’ve been watching Zin and Louann for ten years. You’ll figure it out. It doesn’t have to be right now and it doesn’t have to be with me.” There was a little hitch in his voice in the middle of that last sentence, impossible to miss.
“You just… let somebody know everything about you, let them become an important, essential part of your life, and then… trust that neither of you will fuck it up?”
Emil smiled. “Something like that. Except I think it’s more like—when one of you fucks it up, you talk about it. I haven’t always been great at that part.”
“Can’t we just have sex?” Kit said.
Emil’s smile faded. “I told you I don’t—I’d prefer—I can’t—” He stopped abruptly instead of trailing off. Then he said, “I’m in love with you, Kit.”
Kit nodded slowly. It wasn’t a surprise. Emil showing up to save him, having experimented on himself and walked through the breach, was as good as a declaration. Kit could see now that it was cruel to ask Emil to limit things to sex. Emil wasn’t Travis. He didn’t want a transaction, like he’d said. Emil had feelings for Kit. He probably wouldn’t have been able to find Kit on the edge of Nowhere if he didn’t.
If Kit was honest, he had feelings for Emil, too. How could he not? Emil was heroic and beautiful and kind and transcendently good in bed, plus he kept saving Kit’s life. And he loved his team and his family and he’d helped save Laila and Aidan. Worst of all, he couldn’t dress for shit and he was a huge nerd who liked camping and he idolized Zinnia Jackson’s pop career, and those things just made Kit love him more.
Kit had been quiet for too long now and Emil was having a hard time looking at him, which probably meant he felt rejected and Kit had already ruined everything before they’d even started. So Kit said, “If you leave, or die, it’s gonna fucking kill me.”
He meant it’s already too late for me. He meant I love you. Being plunged into the ocean or dropped from the sky had been less terrifying. At least when those things had happened to him, he’d been able to jump into the Nowhere and save himself. There was no running from this.
Emil blinked. Maybe he didn’t understand. Or he was thinking of what to say. Whatever it was, Kit figured it was a good time to kiss him. Eager, anxious, needing to convey what he’d failed to, he put his hands on Emil’s face and moved in fast. It was a hard kiss, Kit gripping Emil and chasing down the taste of him, and Emil met him with equal force. Kit kissed and kissed and didn’t let go until there was no breath left in his lungs and his lips were swollen and scraped from Emil’s stubble.
Emil’s hands were still in his hair. Emil leaned his forehead against Kit’s. “Remember what you said to me the night you almost drowned? The question is—do you want to?”
“Are you asking to fuck me? Of course I want to.”
“I’m not talking about sex,” Emil said, and Kit couldn’t help the flutter of disappointment that went through him. “But the context is similar, right? That night, you were afraid you might die. The future seemed uncertain. So the only thing left to do was… whatever you wanted. This is just like that. We can’t ever know what’s going to happen. We might hurt each other. We might break up. One of us might die. Eventually, both of us will die and there’s nothing we can do about that. But right now, we can love each other. If you want to.”
“I do,” Kit said quietly. “I’m just not as brave as you are.”
“Or as stupid, I hear,” Emil said, which made him smile. “Although I saw a few things in that conference room this afternoon that made me wonder.”
“We’re not talking about that now,” Kit said.
“What are we talking about instead?”
“A shower,” Kit said. “With you in it.”
“Are you saying I smell?”
“Yeah,” Kit said, shoving playfully at Emil’s shoulder, then pushing off him to stand up. He offered his hand down to Emil, who stood up and followed him to the bathroom. Kit’s shower wasn’t really big enough for two people, especially not when one of them was Emil, but he didn’t let that get in his way. Besides, after watching Emil strip every layer of clothing off his sculpted brown body, Kit couldn’t imagine having an inch of space between them. He must have taken his own clothes off at some point, but he didn’t remember anything that happened between his first sight of Emil naked and the moment they pressed their bodies together under the hot spray of the shower.
“I didn’t get to see you naked last time,” Kit said. He soaped up a loofah and began to rub it over Emil, although they were standing so close that the lather got all over both of them. “I was missing out.” He trailed his hand through the hair on Emil’s chest and over planes of his abdomen, then traced the angle of his hipbone and the thickness of his thigh, and back up again. He lingered over Emil’s hip, where there were a few faint lines in his skin. “Hm, look at that. Stretch marks. Not perfect after all.”
Emil laughed. “When I told you I was uncomfortable being called perfect, I didn’t intend for you to make a list of my flaws.”
“That’s too bad because I have such a good one going,” Kit said.
“You don’t have to share,” Emil said. “I can already tell it starts ‘stupid and brave’ and probably goes on to include ‘huge nerd with terrible taste.’”
“Oh, definitely,” Kit said, putting the loofah back on its hook while the shower rinsed them both clean. “And then there’s this,” he continued, trailing his fingers through the dark hair below Emil’s navel, “which is extremely distracting, and as soon as I saw it that first day, I wanted to know where it led, and it’s been plaguing my thoughts for a week, which is unfair.”
Kit let his fingers travel lower until his hand was hovering next to Emil’s erection, hard and thick and pointing straight up between their bodies. “And this,” he said, taking hold of it. “Which is just obscene, and obviously way, way too big.”
“Ah,” Emil said, more strangled gasp than word, which was how Kit liked it.
&nb
sp; Kit slid his hand down to the base. “I mean, just think how long you’re going to have to spend fingering me before you can fuck me. You’re going to have to go so slow, slicking your fingers up and working them into me until I’m writhing and begging for your cock, it’s gonna be torture for both us. And then when you finally do fuck me, think of how tight the fit will be. You’ll want to come right then, but you can’t. Not after all that work. You have to make it last.”
They were standing so close that Kit could feel the shiver that ran through Emil’s body. He kept stroking his cock, then said contemplatively, “Are we going in the wrong order? Should we have had dinner and a movie first?” He paused in his movements.
“Kit,” Emil complained. His pupils were huge and dark and his expression was soft with that sleepy, lust-dazed air. Kit had never seen anything so gorgeous.
“Just checking,” Kit said, smiling. He picked up the pace again. He stretched up to kiss Emil, who obligingly bent his head down. Then Kit said, “So anyway, as I was saying, this thing is obscene. I’m not sure how I’ll ever focus on anything else again. It’s a danger to my health. I can’t even look at it anymore.”
Then he dropped to his knees and took Emil’s cock into his mouth. He wasn’t as genius at this as Emil was, he didn’t think, but he liked the taste of it and the weight against his tongue. And the sound Emil let out shot straight to his dick and made Kit want to practice until he was a goddamn world-class expert at cocksucking. He locked his lips around the shaft and then experimented until he found the right tempo, which in this case, after lots of teasing, was fast. Kit reached up to cup Emil’s balls and then a second later, Emil fisted a hand in his hair and came in his mouth.
Emil pulled him up afterward and reached down to touch his cock, but Kit moved his hand away. He was close. A touch might set him off. “I told you what I wanted,” he said. “Were you not listening? Because if so, that’s going on my list of flaws.”
“I listened,” Emil said in a voice that sent a thrill down Kit’s spine.
They got out of the shower, toweled off, and made it to the bedroom somehow—Kit was only paying attention to Emil’s hands and lips, which seemed to be all over his body, everywhere at once. Then they were in bed, with Kit on his back with his knees bent and Emil sitting between them. “It’s over there,” Kit said, jerking his thumb toward a corner of the room behind him. “Under the pile of clothes.”
Emil went to sort through Kit’s mess, which was just enough time for Kit’s nerves to get the better of him. He tried to sound lighthearted as he said, “You know, the first time I tried this with Travis, we were in his room and I freaked out and jumped by accident. It was really embarrassing. I showed up in a doctor’s office waiting room—naked—then came back to my room and hid for hours. I hadn’t jumped with no control like that in years. Like getting a boner in front of your crush in middle school, except… the opposite.”
Emil froze, still kneeling in the corner, the bottle of lube in his right hand. “Shit, Kit, I’m so sorry. I had no idea this was your first—”
“No, no, stop. You’re being all serious. Laugh!” Kit sat halfway up, propping himself on his elbows. “You were supposed to laugh. It was funny. It was a joke.” He smiled at Emil as if he could change Emil’s expression by changing his own.
Emil didn’t laugh or smile. A number of expressions crossed his face like he was trying them on and rejecting them. He looked like he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure what.
“You worry too much,” Kit said.
“Given the week we’ve had, I’m beginning to think I don’t worry enough,” Emil said dryly, coming to sit next to Kit on the mattress. He set the bottle of lube on the floor. “But we were talking about you. Are you sure you want to do this, Kit?”
Kit glanced pointedly down at his erection, which had lasted throughout this decidedly unsexy conversation. Emil was still sitting on his bed naked, after all. “Emil. Stop worrying. It’s not going to happen again.” When that didn’t satisfy Emil, he said, “I didn’t trust Travis. I trust you. I love you.”
Emil did smile then, and while Kit was trying to say, “And in case it wasn’t already clear, I really, really want you to f—” Emil grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him up into a scorching kiss. The heat of it rolled all the way through him and he let Emil lay him back down on the bed and then move to sit between his legs.
“You know,” Emil said, a little too casually. “If you ever want to try this the other way, I like to bottom.”
“Is that so,” Kit said, his heart fit to burst at the mere suggestion of a next time, a strange and novel feeling. Maybe having a relationship was a better idea than he’d thought. They hadn’t even finished this time and Emil was making him want more. However long they could make their time together last, Kit wanted every second of it.
As Emil was opening the bottle of lube, he said, “And as for that thing you said earlier about whether we’re doing things in the wrong order, I think surviving two different alien wildernesses and the berserk ghost of one of my colleagues together counts for a few dates.”
“Whatever weird mental accounting you need to do,” Kit said agreeably. “As long as it gets you to fuck me.”
“I would like to take you to dinner and a movie sometime,” Emil said. “Or, you know, some other kind of date. Something normal where nothing tries to kill us.”
“Sure,” Kit said, and anything else he’d been planning to say was blotted out of his thoughts as Emil touched him, one warm, dry hand steadying his thigh and the first gentle, circling touch of his slippery fingertips.
“I want to spend time with you,” Emil said. “Get to know you. Talk about our pasts, our futures, our feelings.”
“Oh my God,” Kit said, squeezing his eyes shut, because Emil—the fucking sap—was torturing him and his fingers felt so good that Kit would agree to anything right now. When Kit opened his eyes again, Emil was smirking.
“You can’t tease me and expect not to get teased in return.”
“Fair,” Kit said. His voice came out breathy. “And yet it’s going on my list of flaws anyway.”
“Uh huh,” Emil murmured. The slow, methodical stroke of his fingers gradually undid Kit until their conversation was no longer in words but in gasps and sighs. The pressure inside him was unexpectedly sweet and he couldn’t help but flick his hips, chasing some sensation. He’d never been treated like this—cherished—as though his pleasure was an experience to be savored rather than rushed through. How long had it been? He wanted it to last forever and he wanted to go careening over the edge. Happy and desperate all at once, he could feel his aching cock dripping onto his stomach.
“Fuck me,” Kit said.
Even in his current haze of lust, he expected some sort of measured “are you sure?” concern from Emil, but instead, Emil just smiled and said, “Alright.”
Kit spread his legs. There was a moment of emptiness and then overwhelming fullness as Emil replaced his fingers with his cock. As with everything else, Emil was careful and tender, letting Kit relax before he pushed any further. It was intense, the stretch and the pressure of it, but it was also hot and slippery and wonderful, and even as he knew he was taking as much as he could, he wanted more. When Emil finally buried himself inside, Kit squirmed against him, thrilled by the feel of it. He’d never been so close to anyone.
“Now,” he urged. “Fuck me.”
Emil laughed. “Oh, you’re not satisfied? You have some constructive criticism to share?”
He shifted until he was leaning forward between Kit’s legs, supporting himself on his arms, and Kit could rise up to kiss him. He thrust his tongue into Emil’s mouth, hoping to inspire him, and then was caught off-guard when Emil slid out and plunged back into him. It felt like every nerve in his body lit up at once—an explosion of sensation that left him writhing for more. And more came an instant later, and then again, and again.
“Holy fuck,” Kit whispered.
Emil only smiled at him, black hair falling into his eyes and his lower lip caught between his teeth as he kept up his efforts. Kit was in awe. A sheen of sweat covered him. He moved with such grace and force. Kit watched their bodies meeting then drawing apart and couldn’t help but move with him. He’d curved one hand around Emil’s neck when they were kissing and he kept it there, hanging on, while his other hand skated down his body to wrap around his cock. He was reluctant to touch himself, since it was an admission that they were approaching the end, but it felt so unspeakably, incomprehensibly good. He was so close. It was nothing to slide his hand from the head to the base, slicking down the shaft.
Emil’s gaze had followed his hand down and there was a little hitch in his rhythm as he watched Kit stroke himself. Fuck, that was hot. Kit bit his lip and met Emil’s eyes. Emil leaned down to kiss him and Kit’s orgasm shot through him. He moaned, spilling onto his hand and his belly. Emil came after him, a few, fast, stuttering thrusts behind, and then he laid down on top of Kit and pressed his nose into the side of Kit’s neck.
“So good,” Kit said, stroking his free hand through Emil’s hair.
“Mm,” Emil said, nipping Kit’s neck.
“We can do that again sometime,” Kit said, and even to himself, he sounded wrecked. Now that the glow was fading, his body reminded him that he’d spent the past week hungry and exhausted and fearing for his life. Luckily, he was already in bed.
“Yeah?” Emil asked. “Not going on the list of my flaws?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. What list?” Kit said, kissing the top of Emil’s head. “What flaws?”
Emil extricated himself from Kit. “Come on,” he said. “Another quick shower and then we can fall asleep.”
“Ugh,” Kit said. “I remembered the list and this is going on it. Too much energy.” But he took Emil’s hand and let himself be pulled into the bathroom.
Emil turned on the shower and stuck his hand under the spray. “So it was good?”
Edge of Nowhere Page 25