Christmas with Her Lost-and-Found Lover

by Ann Mcintosh

  “Yes, but—”

  “What are you going to do if you take him to meet them? Cherry-pick who he gets to talk to, and who gets greeted with a glare?” She shook her head and continued softly, “When this all sinks in, he’ll have anger enough of his own to deal with, don’t you think? Why add yours on top of it?”

  “He has a right to be angry. We do, too. Aren’t you angry, Elise?”

  “Sure.” She fiddled with the cribbage pegs, trying to find the right words, giving her hands something to do to stop them from reaching for him. She wanted so badly to touch him, hold him so as to ease his agony, but she didn’t dare. Her emotions were too close to the surface, her desire for him too strong.

  “Part of me is livid about the entire situation. But realistically, none of that anger will give me back any of what I’m upset about losing. It won’t let Jeevan have his father growing up, or give me back a minute with you, or stop you from being in the accident. So what’s the use of holding on to it and letting it rule my life? Worse, why pass it on to Jeevan?”

  “You can forgive my father and Chandi, and just move on?” He shook his head. “That’s crazy. I can’t do it.”

  It came back to her, in one of those full-circle moments life occasionally tosses up. She looked over at him to say, “I’ll tell you what you once told me: ‘I don’t know what forces in his life caused your father to act the way he did, but sometimes you have to accept people are the way they are, and there’s nothing you can do about it.’”

  He’d been lounging on his side, one hand propping up his head, but now he sat up, curiosity sharpening his gaze.

  “When did I say that?”

  “After I told you about my father abandoning us when I was small, and never looking back once he left.”

  She took a deep breath, trying to hold on to her composure. “When we met, my mother had only been dead for a few years, and I was still grieving. You asked me about my father, and I told you he’d taken off when I was eight. What you said to me that night helped me realize I really didn’t know the full story, so a few years later, Emma and I did some research. We couldn’t find our father, but we located a sister of his, and she explained that our father had mental health issues since he was a child. Medication would help for a while, and then either stop having any efficacy or he’d come off it, thinking he was cured.

  “She hadn’t seen him in decades. He’d just taken off one day, and none of his family heard from him again, just like what had happened with us. We all figure that his need to disappear is part of the pathology of his disease, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, especially when I don’t know what ultimately happened to him.”

  “I’m sorry for all you and your sister went through.” He brushed the back of her hand with his, and the jolt of electricity she felt up her arm was way beyond what she should, with such a gentle touch.

  “I didn’t tell you that to get sympathy. I told you so you’d understand how hard it was for me when I thought you’d died. It was like being abandoned all over again, and I grieved like any one would, including getting angry with you. But the truth was, you were the father of my child, and I had to forgive you so I could raise him to be proud of who he is, and where he came from. I could have poisoned him against you with my grief and anger, but I refused to do that. Don’t poison him against your family with yours.”

  He looked into the fire as though unable to meet her gaze a moment more, and he shook his head but said, “I’ll think about it, but I can’t promise I’ll be as magnanimous as you are.”

  And with that she had to be content.

  * * *

  Rohan watched Elise get up, her fluid movements reminding him of her strength and flexibility. Remembering other ways those attributes had been displayed caused a rush of heat up his spine, and he turned his gaze back to the fire, to hide the desire he was sure was reflected in his eyes.

  As she walked around the room and turned on the Christmas lights, which they hadn’t bothered with before, she said, “I’m going to make some tea. Do you want some? Or coffee?”

  Getting himself under control, he turned to her with a smile. “Coffee would be great, thank you.”

  He was starting to understand her, he realized, watching with frank appreciation the swing of her hips as she went out the door. After one of these deep, uncomfortable conversations, she wanted to get up and move. Find something to do. Be active, even in a small way. As if by doing so she was able to release some of the stress or digest all that had been said.

  God, he was lucky to have her as the mother of his child.

  Somehow she’d been able to shelve her own pain and anger and raise Jeevan to love a man he’d never met, and—as far as they knew at the time—had no chance of meeting.

  Rohan still got those washes of hot and cold in his belly each time he thought about meeting his son, but now they heralded more excitement than trepidation.

  Not that all his fears had been put to rest. But at least now he had good reason to hope they would be able to forge a bond.

  No pressure, though. Not from Rohan’s side. It had to be at least somewhat organic.

  Titan whistled and the bell in his cage, put there for stimulation, rang wildly for a few seconds, then went silent. Rohan looked his way, and the parrot bobbed up and down on his perch, doing a little dance.

  “Good birdie,” Titan said, tilting his head to one side and then the other. “Pretty Titan.”

  “You’re a ham,” Rohan told him, chuckling, and realizing how easily the laughter came in the moment.

  It wasn’t always like that, for him, and especially after the emotional wringer he’d been through, it felt strange, but good. The simple pleasure of amusement filled him with calm contentment. Being with Elise eased the pain he always carried in his heart, lightened his soul.

  Had it been that way before? Somehow he thought it might have been. He could imagine speaking to her about his father and having his anger and discontent at their relationship leached away. He’d never know for sure, but he knew loving her had given him the courage to face his father head-on, when in the past he’d have been more subtle, or just given in for a peaceful life.

  Elise’s phone rang, and he heard the murmur of her voice from the other room. Figuring she’d be a while, Rohan looked around for something to divert his thoughts away from her, and his ever-present desire to kiss her, make love to her again.

  The photo albums were on the coffee table, and he reached over and took the one off the top. He felt better equipped to look at them now than he had been last night. Then he’d been a mess of tangled, shocking emotions, while today he was steadier, mentally stronger.

  Then he opened the cover and froze.

  These weren’t pictures of Jeevan, but of him and Elise.

  Younger. Oh, so heartbreakingly young, but smiling at each other with the kind of love that was unmistakable.

  Without conscious thought his hand went to the scarred side of his face as he looked at a photo of himself with unmarked, unblemished skin. When he realized what he was doing, he let his fingers fall away again and rode out the painful moment.

  Elise had said everyone changed as they got older, and Rohan realized she’d accepted him as he was, now, just as she had in the past. Somewhere along the line, he’d forgotten that self-acceptance was important, and had continued to resent all the changes the accident had brought.

  Seeing himself as he used to be helped Rohan reconcile himself to the loss of the young man staring into the camera and be okay with the older, hopefully wiser one he had become.

  Flipping the pages one by one, he realized something else. Something that had him going back to the beginning, and taking another, closer look.

  His heart started to race, disbelief making him flip back and forth through the album. What he was seeing made no sense, and yet there it was, rig
ht in front of him. As far as he was concerned, there could be only one explanation that made any sense and, in doing so, account for everything he’d been feeling about Elise.

  “That was Jeevan on the phone.” Elise walked in carrying a tray, which she put down on the table. “He’s finally got a flight out of Hong Kong, but he won’t be here until Christmas morning.”

  Rohan looked up at her, and he didn’t know what she saw in his expression, but it made her abandon the drinks and kneel beside him on the rug.

  Putting her hand on his shoulder, she asked, “What’s wrong?”

  “It might sound weird,” he said, his voice suddenly hoarse from the lump that had gathered in his throat. “But I think I’ve been looking for you.”

  Her hand fell away and she leaned back, as though distancing herself from his words.

  “What?”

  “I’ve been looking for you since I returned to Canada. Not consciously, but everywhere we went twenty-seven years ago, I’ve been to since I came back.”

  She shook her head. “That does sound weird. You’re just imagining it.”

  He didn’t know why, but her down-to-earth common sense just made him even surer.

  Pointing to a picture, he said, “This is Corner Brook, Nova Scotia, isn’t it?”

  She looked at the photo and slowly nodded. “I think so.”

  “And that’s Tignish, PEI. That one is Truro, and this one—” he flipped a few pages “—this one is Moncton. I know, because about fifteen years ago, I decided I wanted to travel through the Maritimes. I didn’t know why, but I felt compelled to go. I went to all those spots, plus Halifax and Quebec City.” He found the pictures of those cities, pointing them out to her. “Then, the following year, I spent a month in Algonquin Park, canoeing and camping.”

  “Rohan, it could be just a coincidence.” Elise sat cross-legged beside him, a wary look in her eyes. “A bizarre one, but a coincidence all the same.”

  “I don’t think so. After I’d worked in Toronto for a while and made those trips, I got restless and decided to move. The first place I lived after that was Guelph.”

  “Not surprising, since you went to school there, and it would be familiar.”

  He shook his head. “I still wasn’t satisfied. I kept moving, farther west each time, staying a year, sometimes less, until I got to Calgary. Then I stopped. Why, after years of wandering, did I stop there, if not because I knew, deep inside, that was where you came from, and probably would be?”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  ELISE STARED AT ROHAN, taking in the smile on his face, the gleam in his eyes. It was like seeing a mask fall away to reveal someone you’d known long ago and never thought to see again.

  Despite the scars, he looked like the man he’d been twenty-seven years ago.

  And it frightened her on a visceral level, as did what he was saying.

  Surely he didn’t believe he’d been subconsciously trying to find her for almost twenty years?

  “You’re talking crazy, Rohan. That makes no sense.”

  His smile actually widened. “It makes perfect sense to me, Elise. Why else would I find myself drawn to you in a way I can’t remember ever being attracted to anyone else before? And last night, when we made love, why did it feel so natural, so incredibly intimate? I think...we were made to be together. And no matter what we do, we’ll always find our way back to each other.”

  She shook her head vehemently, the fear in her belly churning, making her nauseous. “I don’t believe that. That’s not how memory, how the brain works.”

  Tipping his head to the side, he surveyed her with a look so loving it almost was her undoing. “Didn’t you say the brain was a complex organ? Why wouldn’t something as important to me as the love we shared be stored somewhere, even if the memories of us being together were lost?”

  “I don’t know, but I won’t believe you’ve been searching for me, or that there’s still a connection between us other than the past, or nostalgia, and the fact we have a son together. That’s all nonsense.”

  Yet a part of her wanted to believe it, desperately. She couldn’t let it overwhelm her, in case he decided, sometime later, he’d made a mistake and leave her again.

  A few strands of her hair had come loose, and he slid them behind her ear with his fingers. She gasped, heat fanning out from where he touched, the familiar gesture making the conversation that bit more surreal.

  “I don’t remember any of that past, so I can’t be nostalgic about it, and I know your reactions to my touch are from more than just good memories. Why are you afraid?”

  She couldn’t articulate it, terror holding her vocal cords hostage.

  The specter of loving, of giving her all only to once more be abandoned arose in her mind, and she whispered, “Stop, Rohan. Please don’t...”

  He reached for her, and she wanted to resist but couldn’t. Instead, she found herself collapsing, almost boneless, into his embrace, craving the security of his arms as much as she feared him going away, never to return.

  “When we’re like this, how can you doubt we should be together?” he whispered into her ear, sending shivers along her spine. “We still fit perfectly—the way those pictures show we always have.”

  How could she explain? All day they’d spoken of his fears, especially about being a father to Jeevan, but they’d only briefly touched on her own.

  Then he said, “Are you afraid I’ll leave you again, like I did before?”

  She lifted her head to search his expression, tears threatening again at the tenderness in his eyes.

  And it was that gentle regard that gave her the courage to reply, “Yes.”

  His arms tightened around her, and he bent to place a gentle, loving kiss on her lips before resting his forehead against hers.

  “I don’t blame you. I promised to be back for Christmas, and it took me twenty-seven years to keep my word. I wouldn’t trust me, either, under those circumstances. How about we take it slow, date for a while, so you have time to learn to trust me again? Even if you never do, I’ll always be here for you. I don’t plan to desert you again.”

  “And what do we tell Jeevan? I don’t want him to be hurt by whatever we do.”

  “He’s an adult now. I think he’ll probably understand that there’s still something special between us, but we’re not going to rush into anything. And we can make sure he knows he’ll never have to choose between us. We’ll both always be around for him, whenever he needs.”

  Elise tried to call on her steady head and common sense so as to make the right decision, but the conflict in her mind was too strong. One part wanted to immediately agree to take one more chance on loving Rohan Khan, but another part insisted on caution. Loving him had almost broken her, had left scars that, although they weren’t visible, still ached deep in her heart.

  Could she really risk it all again?

  Then she remembered all the advice she’d given Rohan during the day, about leaving the past behind and moving forward in life. While he’d been stuck because of his accident, she’d been too afraid to risk being hurt again.

  It was time to break free from the past, for both her and Rohan, and maybe they could, over time, heal each other with love and forgiveness.

  She took a deep gulp of air, for courage, and said, “I’d like to try your idea of dating, although it’s a bit of a haul from Calgary to here and back.”

  Rohan gave her a squeeze and she heard him blow out a breath, as though he’d been holding it in while she deliberated.

  “An hour and a half isn’t too long a drive. But I have all that accumulated vacation time, too. I could book a hotel room here for a couple of weeks. Give us a chance to figure out how we want to arrange things.”

  Leaning back slightly, she looked up at him. “Why not just stay here?”

  His eyebrows rose. “In t
he spare room?”

  She shook her head. “No.”

  “What about Jeevan? I thought you didn’t want to give him any ideas about us getting together?”

  “Honestly, it’s time I stop using him as an excuse not to have a life. And I think it would be good for him to see us try, even if eventually we decided it isn’t working. After all, he’s heard me say all his life what a wonderful man you are. If I let you get away again, he’s going to think either I’m a liar or a fool.”

  Rohan laughed, and her heart sang to once more see a glimpse of his old self, which before had been so overshadowed by the cold mask he wore.

  That deep, joyous laughter, more than almost anything else, gave her additional hope for the future. If they could talk and laugh and love, share their fears and their dreams like they had so long ago, everything would come right in the end.

  Reaching up, she cupped his still-smiling face in her hands and, with her heart full of thankfulness for the second chance they’d so miraculously been given, laid her lips gently on his. When he pulled her closer, deepening the kiss, she allowed herself to let go of the past and all its attendant pain so as to be completely and totally present with Rohan.

  The Rohan of now, and hopefully her future.

  They made love in front of the fire, slowly, his tenderness almost moving her to tears.

  He touched her as though she were the most precious thing in the world, kissed her as though he never wanted to stop.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he told her, his hands cupping her face, his eyes gleaming in the firelight.

  “So are you,” she told him, tracing his lower lip with her finger.

  They caressed with long, leisurely strokes, taking their time as they relearned each other’s bodies. Somehow, now that they’d come to this point, the rushed intensity of the night before wasn’t necessary. They could spend as long as they wanted and needed, letting their passions build.