by Garth Stein
She set Bobby down against a tree. All around her, fallen logs and heavy branches blocked the way. It seemed like she was in a box made of trees. There was no way out.
But then she heard it. Barking.
Jenna listened closely, and, sure enough, it was a dog. She could hear a barking dog in the distance. Maybe that was her sign. She closed her eyes and tried to do what David had told her. Clear her mind. Trust the woods. Trust herself.
She opened her eyes and looked around. In front of her seemed to be a break in the underbrush. The woods were a little less thick than everywhere else. Maybe that was it.
She picked up Bobby and moved toward the break in the bushes. As she pushed her way through, the leaves seemed to part and form into a path.
Now the dog was louder. It was coming from straight ahead. She headed in that direction.
The path was narrow at first, not much of a path at all. A trail of damp earth. She followed the barking, and as she walked, the path widened out until the branches no longer beat against her arms.
The forest grew less dense, and the sunlight streamed through the branches and reached the ground. Jenna looked around. It was beautiful. And the smells. Jenna noticed the smells for the first time. Cedar and cinnamon. The underbrush was speckled with little purple wildflowers growing in patches.
The barking dog was very close now. Jenna knew she would see him soon. And as the trees faded away, she passed through some tall grasses, and after the grasses she was on the bank of a river. A wide, fast-flowing river. On the other side was a dog barking at her. She had found it.
Jenna set Bobby down near the water. She didn’t know what to do next. The river was too swift to cross. It was too deep. But there was a canoe on the other side. Someone was there. And as Jenna watched, people seemed to come out of the woods on the other side of the river and stand on the banks, looking across. More and more people. They looked and waved. And then there was an old woman who emerged from the woods. She went to the canoe and motioned to two men, who pushed the canoe into the water. The old woman and the two men paddled across and landed the canoe before Jenna and Bobby.
The old woman, heavyset with white hair and gray eyes, stepped out of the canoe. She looked so familiar. Jenna knew her. She must know her.
“Gram?” she said.
The old woman smiled at Jenna. She knelt before Bobby and touched his face. His eyes opened.
“Come on, now,” the old woman said. “Get up.”
Jenna watched in amazement as Bobby blinked several times and then climbed to his feet, seeming a little shaky. When he was standing, again naked, Jenna noticed that he had a tail. A little furry tail. But then the old woman patted it, and the tail disappeared.
“Up with that. You don’t need that anymore,” the old woman said.
When Bobby turned to Jenna again, his eyes were blue like they used to be. The old woman took Bobby’s hand and led him toward the canoe.
“Come with us, Mommy,” Bobby said.
Jenna took a couple of steps toward the canoe, but the old woman stopped her with a wave of her hand.
“Can’t I?” Jenna asked, but she knew that it wasn’t an option.
The old woman shook her head, and then spoke to Bobby.
“She can’t come now. She’ll come later.”
Panic swept across Bobby’s face. He pulled away from the old woman and ran to Jenna.
“Come with us, Mommy.”
Jenna took Bobby in her arms. She didn’t want to let him go, but she had to. Finally, she picked up David’s shirt and helped Bobby put it on. She rolled the sleeves until his hands finally emerged. It wasn’t much of an outfit for a little boy, she admitted to herself, but he still looked sweet in it.
“I can’t come now, baby,” Jenna said, looking at Bobby. She straightened Bobby’s tangled hair with her hand. She wanted to go with him. With all of her heart she wanted to go. “I’ll come soon. You go with Gram, now. She’ll take care of you.”
Bobby looked toward the river. The old woman smiled at him and held out her hand. Jenna gently nudged Bobby, and feeling it must be all right, Bobby went to the old woman.
The old woman picked Bobby up and set him in the canoe, getting in after him. The two men pushed the canoe out into the river, and before they turned it around, Bobby waved.
“Bye, Mommy. Bye.”
Jenna waved back as the tears started down her cheeks. Bye-bye, Bobby. Be strong.
When the canoe reached the other side of the river, its passengers got out and, with one last look and wave, disappeared into the forest, leaving Jenna alone on the bank of the River of Tears, across from the Land of Dead Souls.
Chapter 37
EDDIE WAS STARING BLANKLY OUT THE WINDOW WHEN HE SAW Jenna trudging up from the beach, looking a bit worse for the wear. Eddie had mixed feelings upon seeing her. He was happy that she was safe and coming back, true. But he was also very nervous about how it would all turn out.
He was alone as he watched her. It was late afternoon and Robert was in the kitchen heating up some soup. Eddie thought briefly of running out to Jenna. He could carry her away and hide her in the woods so that Robert couldn’t find her. She would belong to Eddie then. Eddie, and no one else.
But what good would that do anyone? Who would benefit? And then again, why was Eddie so sure that Jenna would leave him? Maybe she would want to stay. Live in Wrangell with him, happily ever after, as she would put it. Have a few kids and teach them to be careful of the kushtaka.
Robert came out of the kitchen holding a spoon.
“It’s ready, if you want some,” he announced.
When he got no response, Robert followed Eddie’s glance out the window. He saw Jenna and ran to the door.
“Wait,” Eddie said, stopping Robert. “It might not be her.”
Robert hesitated a moment.
“It’s her,” he said, and he threw open the door and raced down to Jenna.
Eddie watched as Jenna collapsed into Robert’s arms and Robert carried her back to the house. Seeing them come through the door together, Eddie suddenly realized how the story would end. It was exactly like that Joey guy had said. Jenna wasn’t going to stay with him. It just doesn’t work that way. Eddie quietly retreated to the far corner of the room, surprised at himself for his own unrealistic dreams.
Robert was everywhere at once, placing a chair next to the fire for Jenna, finding a blanket to put over her. Jenna was too exhausted to do anything but receive Robert’s assistance. Then, finally, it seemed as though everything had been done. Jenna was warm and bundled and comfortable, and Robert stood before her like a puppy dog waiting for a command.
“Is there any food?” Jenna asked.
Food. Of course there was food. Hot soup. Robert rushed into the kitchen to get it.
Jenna stared into the fire. She could feel Eddie’s eyes on her, but she didn’t know what to say. Neither did Eddie. After a moment, Jenna stood up.
“I’d like to take a shower,” she said.
Eddie nodded and watched as Jenna left the room.
ROBERT KNEW THAT JENNA didn’t need the soup that instant. It wasn’t as if she could eat it in the shower. But Robert couldn’t wait any longer. He had so many things he wanted to say to her. He needed to talk now.
He let himself into the bathroom and sat quietly on the toilet seat, setting the bowl of soup down on the sink. Jenna was behind the white curtain, standing in the porcelain tub under the hot water. Steam hung in the air, clinging to the walls and mirrors. Robert didn’t know if she had heard him come in. She wasn’t making a sound. Just the water running.
“Jenna? I brought you the soup in case you wanted it.”
After a long pause, he heard her answer. Not really a word but an acknowledgment.
“Jenna, I know you’re real tired, but I wanted to talk to you for a minute because I have to tell you how I feel.”
He waited, but there was no response, so he went on.
“I’
ve been doing so much thinking since you left, especially up here when I was waiting for you to come back, and I need to tell you that I could never make it alone. I need you with me. And not only for this past week. Since Bobby died we haven’t really been together, and I want to be together again.”
He stumbled. This wasn’t it. He wasn’t saying what he really wanted to say. He was nervous.
“Shit, this isn’t coming out right. It’s sounding like it’s all about what I want, and that’s what it always sounds like, I know. I’m always worried about how I feel and how things affect me and I’m not worried about the larger picture, which is you. So I just wanted you to know that I know this now, and I’m ready to act differently.”
Robert stood up and took a step toward the tub.
“Jenna, you’re the most important thing in my life. I may not show it, but that’s because I’m an idiot. Bobby was the most important thing in my life, too. And when we lost him, I didn’t think. I was wrong. I pushed you away. I should have held you closer because I still had you. We could have gotten through it together. But I didn’t do that. I didn’t. And I know it’s too late. I can’t change it now. But, I’m sorry.”
He was at the curtain. She was inside. He couldn’t see her, but he knew she was in there, separated from him by a white piece of plastic.
“I just wanted to say that I know this now. And if it’s too late, if I screwed the whole thing up and pushed you away too far so you won’t come back, I wouldn’t blame you. But I wanted to explain to you that I understand what happened.”
He waited for something. A sign. A stay or a go. But she didn’t say a word. He shrugged to himself and went to the door. He looked back one last time before he turned the doorknob. Why didn’t she say anything? Why didn’t she look at him?
Then he heard a sob. He pulled back the corner of the shower curtain and saw Jenna, huddled against the wall, her arms pulled tightly around her, her face buried in her hands, as if she was trying to fend off something, to protect herself from something. She was curled up into a ball, crying. And when he saw her there, his heart went out to her, and she must have felt it, then, because she unfolded herself and reached out her arms to him, and he stepped into the tub and held her, the water falling over them both. And standing under the hot water, at last welcomed by Jenna’s open arms, Robert could control himself no longer. He burst into tears and cried, holding her tighter than he had in years, as tightly as he did when they first met, as tightly as he had when he first realized that he loved her, so long ago. Everything else seemed to fall away. There was no pain, no anguish. Just relief, and the feeling that they had found each other again. Just as they had found each other before.
Chapter 38
IT WAS AROUND TEN O’CLOCK AND JENNA HAD ALREADY GONE to bed. Robert and Eddie stayed up by the fire. They were worried about David. They decided that they would call his wife the next morning if he hadn’t returned. According to what Jenna had told them, if he hadn’t made it back by then, something bad must have happened. But then they heard the kitchen door open and water running and they rushed to see if it was him.
David was standing in front of the work sink in the mudroom, naked, washing the blood and dirt off himself. He looked up when Eddie and Robert entered the room.
“Is Jenna back?” he asked.
“She got back a couple of hours ago,” Robert told him. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Is she okay?”
“Yeah. She went to sleep.”
“Good. Did she say if it went all right?”
“She said she did it, whatever it is.”
David smiled and dried himself off with a towel.
“I’m sure that one day she’ll tell you all about it.”
David wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped into the kitchen. He opened a cupboard and pulled out a jar of peanut butter and a box of saltines.
“I’m starving.”
He spread peanut butter on a cracker and ate it.
“Do you want me to get you some clothes?” Eddie asked.
David nodded, his mouth full.
“Do you know where they are?”
“At this point, we know where everything is in your house.” Eddie chuckled, leaving the kitchen.
Robert watched David eat more crackers. It looked as if he hadn’t eaten in days.
“So, what went on out there?”
“You wouldn’t believe it,” David said, shaking his head.
“I’ll believe it. Some things happened here, too, you know.”
David looked Robert in the eyes for several moments, nodding slowly. Then he knelt down and opened a cupboard, taking out a bottle of brandy.
“Special occasions only,” he said, standing up and admiring the bottle.
“Is this a special occasion?”
“Yeah.” David smiled. ”I think this qualifies.”
THE REST HAPPENED so quickly Jenna could hardly get her bearings. It seemed to her that there should have been more to it. A commemorative ceremony or something. An ending. Closure. But there was none.
She slept through the night without disturbance. Robert woke her early in the morning, and Tom from the store was already there, anxious to get a move on. After a quick good-bye with David, Tom took Robert, Eddie, and Jenna back to town, where Field was waiting to shuttle them to Wrangell.
As they walked up the dock toward Main Street in Wrangell, Jenna panicked. This would be the only chance she would have to say good-bye to Eddie. She hadn’t had time to talk with him, to explain things. There was so much to explain. So much he needed to know about her. So much she needed to tell him.
Eddie’s truck was still parked at the dock, and Jenna was relieved that he offered to take her and Robert to the airport. There was a flight to Juneau soon, and from there they could get a flight to Seattle. They would be home by evening.
They drove silently to the airport, and as they passed the quiet storefronts, gray from the overcast sky, Jenna felt empty inside. As if she would never be by this way again. It was closure, but it wasn’t the closure she had hoped for. It was like shutting the door on an empty room. A room that was once full of life but had lost its usefulness.
The plane was waiting for them on the runway when they arrived. Eddie pulled the truck up to the terminal building.
“The plane leaves in half an hour,” Robert offered. “I’ll go take care of the tickets.”
But he didn’t move. None of them moved for a minute, as if to let the moment have its deserved weight. Then Robert offered his hand to Eddie. They shook hands, and Robert slipped out of the truck and jogged into the terminal.
Eddie turned off the engine and he and Jenna sat in silence for a few moments.
“He’s a good guy,” Eddie said. “Once you get to know him.”
Jenna laughed, and then the silence returned.
“I’m sorry,” Jenna said, finally.
Eddie looked over at her kindly.
“Don’t be. We had what we had, and we knew what it was. That’s all.”
“I know, but . . .”
He smiled at her a little too broadly, and she could see he was fighting to remain cheerful, struggling to smile in the face of loss. She forced a smile.
“I’ll miss you.”
Eddie reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver chain. He dangled the kushtaka charm in front of Jenna.
“You forgot this. I found it on the dresser in your room.”
Jenna took the necklace and looked at it closely. She wanted to keep it, but she knew she couldn’t. It didn’t belong to her anymore. She had left it for the room and for Eddie. So they would remember her.
“I want you to keep it,” she said, handing it back to Eddie. “So you won’t forget me.”
He took the necklace.
“I couldn’t have anyway.”
Again, silence softly filled the truck. It was not a time for talk. Even though Jenna felt that she wanted to say so much, words would ha
ve clouded the moment. Clever things would have been said, empty banter used to chase away the truth. They chose, instead, to spend their remaining moments together in silence.
“You’d better go,” Eddie said, gesturing to Robert, who had stuck his head out of the terminal.
Without a word, Jenna leaned over and kissed Eddie on the cheek. She opened her door and stepped out of the truck, disappearing into the building without looking back.
Eddie drove his truck to the end of the runway. He slipped on the necklace Jenna had given him and held the silver charm in his fingers, trying to remember what Jenna had felt like in his arms. He sat on the hood of his truck and waited. He wanted to see her go. He wanted to see her fly out of his life as strangely and as suddenly as she had flown into it.
He watched as the steps were rolled away from the Alaska Airlines jet. The plane taxied away from Eddie, then quickly turned and accelerated down the runway toward him, throwing itself into the sky with a thunderous roar, disappearing into the gray ceiling of clouds, far above his head.
Chapter 39
THEY STEPPED INTO THE HOUSE AND CLICKED ON THE LIGHTS. Everything was different, but nothing had changed.
It was nine o’clock and they decided to go out and get a bite to eat. Robert went upstairs to take a quick shower and change. Jenna wandered around the house, trying to refamiliarize herself with the rooms and the objects in them.
In the kitchen, Jenna got herself a glass of water. As she let the water run, she noticed the empty yartzheit candle glass sitting on a plate next to the sink. A mere lifetime ago. It all seemed so far in the past. Only now has it been put behind us.
She sat down at the kitchen table and fingered through a pile of unopened mail, mostly junk, and scattered newspapers, feeling that she had taken a wrong turn somewhere. She knew that there was no other choice she could have made. She had to find out if her life would return to normal. She had to know if the distance between Robert and her was incidental or essential, and it wouldn’t be right to assume one way or the other. Besides, you can’t throw away your old life just like that. Still, there was something wrong. There was something missing, an emptiness inside her.