by Devin Sawyer
“Try and be professional here, Holdridge. I know it must be difficult for you.” I scour, irritated with how light-hearted he can be. The same things that drove me away. Luckily, this seems to strike a chord in him and I hear his voice clear on the other end of the line.
“I wasn’t aware if this was a business call, you have nothing but my undivided PROFESSIONAL attention.” His tone is sarcastic, and I roll my eyes, even though he can’t see me.
“Of course, it’s about business.” It strikes me that he thought I might be calling for personal reasons, so we could hash out old times now, as if I’d changed my mind from a half hour earlier. My stomach curls and I push the old familiar sickness down. “I forgot to mention earlier that we will meet in the morning to review each vendor’s role and layout. Your attendance is requested to assist in layout and design of the activities, where you want your guys vs. where we put the food and such. Your input is important in those things. Meeting starts at eight-thirty.”
“Yeah, I’ll be there. Thanks again, Ari.” His voice softens at the second part and I hate the way my name sounds on his tongue. I wish I could ask him to stop saying it.
I don’t say goodbye, I simply end the call. I push today from my mind and put my car in park, thankful to have made it home. I spend a moment longer than necessary in my car taking a deep breath and blowing it out, finally allowing myself to take in today. I feel the burn in my eyes of threatening tears, and I renew promises to myself that I haven’t had to make in years. I am not broken anymore. I am not her anymore. Tears cool my cheeks as I continue to assure myself that today, or these next few weeks, will not destroy my strength, or who I’ve become. When I finally feel spent, I gather my work, and trudge into my apartment.
I spot Brad behind the kitchen counter prepping dinner and a spiced aroma assaults my senses. I had finally given him a key a few weeks ago, but in this very moment I wish he weren’t invading my space.
“Hey babe.” He looks up from chopping vegetables and eyes me as I walk through the doorway. “What’s wrong? Have you been crying?” He pauses from his work and studies me as I set down my things and I make my way across the room into the kitchen and find his body, warm and comforting. I lean into him letting my exhaustion seep from my body.
“Just a rough day.” It’s all I can muster, too drained to relive the emotions. He reaches down and picks me up under my knees and carries me like a small child to the couch. He gently releases me and presses a kiss to my forehead. “I’m going to throw the pot roast in the oven and I’ll be right back.” I sink into the couch and watch him walk back into the kitchen. Brad has always made my life easier in the best ways possible.
I flash back to a time in my life in my first year of college. I had moved to Houston and was friendless. Freshman year I lived in the dorms and had a roommate from hell, Kiera. She convinced me one drunken night that losing my virginity to a random would help me dissociate from my grief, it would replace my sexual focus to other men, per her psychology 101 class. She was wrong, and I’m pretty sure she turned into a shit counselor. I have so many awful memories of that night, and I found myself often wishing I had drunk until I couldn’t remember anything. Shortly after the act, I found my sore and dehydrated body hovering over a toilet, retching until it had nothing left to give. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol or the shame that brought it on, but I know I wasn’t ready. Not for sex, and not to let go of Torren.
The next time I found myself facing an intimate encounter I felt better prepared. No alcohol… I knew his name… It was Tyler. We’d been on six total dates, easing into things and he’d been nothing but a gentleman and it had been a very long year and a half since I had left Layton. He was the first person that made me feel like me again and I was hopeful. I hurled again though, this time not even getting to the completion of the act, and I had to fake sudden illness. Tyler was understanding, spending the evening cleaning me up and getting me settled in clean sheets before leaving. We’d try again, for almost three more months before I cut it off unable to face my demons in front of him and I’d finally lied to him, explaining a severe illness. He thought I had cancer, and most days I wished I did. I wished I had a real medical explanation for my response to men. Tyler and I died out quickly after that, slowly drifting apart as I quit responding to his texts.
Over the years I had re-attempted a night with a man after alcohol made me brave and it always ended the same way, with nausea wracking my body. It ruined me. I saw my damage, I saw it in everyone else when they looked at me. And one day I just decided to quit trying. I was near graduation. It would be easy enough to lose myself in a career rather than in a man. It worked. I spent hours at my first job, perfecting and learning the industry of event planning. When John found me, I flourished in my career, skyrocketing into a position of power within only a year and now I was on the cusp of taking over Eventor. And then Brad happened. He was hosting a charity gala that his company put on each year and I was running it. He also worked in computer software, and Emily took to him right from the start. With her support, it was a no-brainer, but I still skirted my way around him for months, feigning ignorance of his shameless flirting, pickup lines, and compliments. Over time though, he’d worn me down and when we finally made love randomly one evening, I felt the difference immediately. I hadn’t thrown up. I hadn’t even thought about it after the first few minutes. It was over. I’d won out over the loss of control. That was nine months ago. He treated me well and had only added simplicity to the chaos I’d been living in. Things were easy for us after that and I’ve always been grateful for his role in helping me to conquer that, whether he actually did anything to assist in the matter or not. It had been him and that’s all I needed.
When Brad returned to the couch, I nuzzled into him, took a deep breath of his clean scent and attempted sleep. He held me and brushed his hand over my head, soothing me. I had returned to my comfort zone and I drifted quietly into a rest with the rugged smell of his aftershave flitting through my senses.
Chapter 18
Torren
I wake early with a determination I haven’t felt since I started the business almost six years ago. Five AM wakeups are normal routine. I go for a jog around the apartment complex that John put me up in to be closer to the office last week. I guess Eventor owns a few rooms here and leases them out to their outside vendors as needed, and since we are a larger team needed for the entirety of their events, it makes sense that we have a place for the guys to stay. My home is on the other side of Houston, in Conroe, so this will allow me to avoid an hour and a half of traffic each way and the office itself is within walking distance. As for the events, they will be stationed around the city, I presume, although a handful I noticed were in extravagant hotels downtown which is also not far. Grady and the other guys can start crashing here next week, if it’s any closer for them.
I breathe the cool winter air deep into my lungs while I run, enough that I feel the burn. I try to clear my head of all the little details and focus on what I need to do today. It’s only Tuesday and this feels like it could be the making of the longest week in history. I came on to Ari yesterday, accidentally…sort of, not knowing any other way to be around her, only ever having those deep-rooted feelings but more than anything this is a business endeavor and I can’t afford to put my worker’s careers on the line. Ari’s never seen me as a professional, I was nothing but a kid from the wrong side of town trying to survive last she knew me and things are different this time around. I was going to prove that to everyone, my team, her team, even myself. After two miles I call it quits, unable to stay focused.
I arrive back home already mentally drained for the day. I shower, jerk off because I decide it’s probably best if I’m somewhat sated around Ari, and dress. I call Grady on my way out the door and ask him to meet me at a coffee shop on the way and I plan to brief him on yesterday’s meeting, Ari included. He knows brief tidbits about us, like the fact she was with me the night of the bust an
d that things essentially went downhill from there. He knows I spent some time fucking pining after her while I was still incarcerated and even after, but outside of that we haven’t talked women much. We both see our fair share of women, but neither of us has been interested in anything serious and it’s part of the reason he’s my head of security. He’s completely focused on his career, just as much as I am, if not more. Honestly, I’d give him half the company and bring him on as a partner if the business were more stable. I don’t want to put him in the lead position of an unsteady business. We’ve been slowly growing, and he’s been a big part of that, but it’s a very volatile arena. I’m hoping that if things go well with Eventor, we might be up for more contracts with other large name agencies or private hires.
Grady is already at the coffee shop when I arrive, and I get a cup of black coffee and join him. I pull out the files from yesterday’s signing and let him review the contract as I drink my coffee.
“Damn, Nice work bro. This is a nice little contract.”
“Yeah, no shit. That pay is going to keep us all afloat for a while, but I’m hoping it won’t have to.” Grady knows the plan is to expand further, more men, more licensing, more contracts, more freedom.
“You’re going to work us to the bone, aren’t you?” Grady jokes, but it’s the truth. They don’t get too many nights off during the four weeks of parties and some will have to pull double shifts to make the weekends work. Fortunately, there is a Monday or two scattered in there that isn’t booked and that will be the only reprieve they get. Not even Christmas is given off, and I feel bad for the few guys with young families. Dad and Gavin have come to expect that I’ll always work holidays. It’s the nature of the business and I come back to see them in between when I can. A few times they’ve even come out to see me after I bought an older two bedroom home last year.
“Well it’s not going to be a cakewalk, but I think the guys will agree it’s worth it. Are you going to be bunking with me at the complex they secured for us?”
“Nah. I think Kyle, Tanner, and Matt plan on it though. They live a bit farther out and probably don’t want to deal with the traffic or driving that far late at night after the parties.” I nod my head.
“Any recommendations on a roommate then? These apartments are two bedroom, and I want the one who is cleanest.”
“Honestly.” Grady puts his hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eyes. “I don’t think you’re going to have a problem with that. No one, and I mean no one, wants to share an apartment with their boss. They will probably all bunk together. One of them crashing on the couch.”
“You’re kidding. I’m not even a bad roommate. I’m clean, I’m quiet.”
“That’s because prison taught you to be those things or you’d get your ass beat, dude.”
“So, they’re scared of me?”
“I think it works in your favor. They respect you, but they also don’t want to piss you off or get too close.”
I’ve never had an open discussion about my time in prison with the men in the company, it didn’t seem necessary, but I know they have put the pieces together from the clues. The loan isn’t in my name, I don’t own a gun, all are major giveaways, especially for a man working in the security business. I’ve struggled to decide if it’s better to just come clean or leave them to their own imagination. I take a long drink of my coffee and let the warmth fill me on a mildly chilly Houston day.
“So, I signed the contract yesterday, it’s a done deal, but I ran into my ex, Ari, the one… the one from Layton.”
He continues to peruse the contract, flipping pages.
“Oh yeah? She lives here now?”
“Yeah, I mean I always suspected she might. She had talked about college here, but she doesn’t just live here, she works for Eventor. Practically runs it, second to John, the owner.”
He stills and looks up from the paperwork that sits in front of him and eyes me.
“You want me to take this one? I know I can, man, you can hang back and walk me through the business stuff, maybe take a little vacation after, go see your family or some shit.”
“Nah. I’ll be fine. It was just a little strange is all. Maybe once the parties start, I’ll take some leave.” I know that’s what I should do, but something inside me says I won’t be able to pull away from this opportunity. A chance to right the wrongs.
“You say that every time, man, and yet you show for every single party.”
“Hey, it’s good for my social life. Quit hating.”
“More like good for your bedroom life.”
“Yeah, well you haven’t suffered too badly in that area either, fucker.”
“What can I say? There’s just something about rich lonely women. They want you just for your attention because even they know they don’t plan on staying with the help.”
I laugh at his humor, but I know the truth is that under all that bravado Grady is a sappy motherfucker when he finds a woman. I’m just waiting for it to happen so I can bust his nuts about it.
“But seriously, man, let me know if you want my help. I’m happy to step in.”
“Yeah, I’ll talk to Ari today or I’ll email John that you may be coming to some of the meetings from now on. Thanks, man.” I slap him upside the shoulder in a show of appreciation and I move from the table to get on my way.
I text Barbie on my way in that I have something I need to process and it’s pretty urgent and she offers to Skype me, not having any openings until next week.
I make the rest of the ten-minute walk to the office and I still have thirty minutes until the morning meeting. I put a Facetime call in to Barb and she answers after a few rings.
“Hey Barb, can you hear me?” I ask when the video comes into view.
“Yes, hello Torren. Tell me what’s going on.”
Her thick northern accent draws me in and I spill everything. Seeing Ari, what I felt when I saw her, the way my anxiety flared and my thoughts turned dark. She talks me through this knowing how the trauma of those days still effects so much of my life today. We discuss triggers and coping skills and I’m reminded that I don’t have to pursue this job if I’m that uncomfortable. I am that uncomfortable, but I want to face it, I want to end the discomfort and fear from our past.
“I’m ready, Barb. I’m uncomfortable as all get out, but for Christ’s sake, I want answers. I want to do this.”
She offers a smile of pride. “I’m proud of you, Torren. I want this for you too. Ease into things, though. She is likely struggling too. If you come off too aggressive, it’s going to frighten her. Let’s schedule an appointment. I’ll squeeze you in this weekend.”
I shake my head. “No can do. My weekends are packed with our events and planning from the job.”
“Okay, fine then. I want you checking in. Let’s work through this together.”
I nod my head and feel comforted that I’m not so alone and that I’m not making the wrong decisions. I’ve made so many of those in my life already. Barb finishes the call by recommending that for now, I don’t bring up the past with Ari, to merely adjust to who we are now when we are around each other. I want that. I think I can manage to put off throwing questions at her this early on even though I may have started things off poorly yesterday. I end the call with Barb and head to our meeting, figuring out a way to be more cognizant of how I act around Ari. It’s going to take a definite effort to rework the way I think about her and see her.
When I arrive, it’s still a few minutes early and I find a spot around the large table in the empty conference room. I spend my spare time reviewing plans from previous events. I haven’t formulated all of the plans for this season’s events and I’ll spend the next two and a half weeks before all the festivities begin reviewing blueprints of buildings and designing a security plan to fit the social and safety needs of attendees. I check my email after, it’s mostly work stuff, but I notice an email from Gavin when Ari walks in and I make a mental note to check it later.
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br /> “Mornin’,” I say in a warm and welcoming tone, wanting our interactions to feel as casual as they used to.
“Good morning,” she croons or at least it sounds like crooning to me. I can’t help the overwhelming feeling to want to talk to her on a personal level, to know her again, but she made it clear yesterday that this is just a job. I’m depending on my boyish charm to crack her in the end though. I’m still fielding through what I’m supposed to be feeling when I’m around her and I’ll give her a little time to do the same. I can feel her discomfort in the room and I can tell she wants to run out as badly as I do just to avoid the small talk. I laugh to myself at how awkward we have become.
Two more strangers come through the conference room door and I study them. I stand to introduce myself, but Ari beats me to the punch.
“Morning you two! This is our new security detail, Torren will be with us at least through the end of the holiday season with his men.”
I reach out to shake the woman’s hand who entered the room first. She’s tall with dark hair and light skin. “Good to meet you. What’s your role with Eventor?” Her hand meets mine and it’s cold, likely from the temperature outside, but her voice is clipped and shrill and it seems to match the sensation I get from her hand.
“Catering Service. I’m Joyce.” She doesn’t exactly come off as the friendliest person and I start to question how much boyish charm I’ll have to muster around this place to lighten the mood a little.
I move on the man behind her who’s wearing a large set of headphones around his neck. “Let me guess, you’re the music man.” I reach my hand out to shake his as well.
“Yeah, I’m the DJ. Good to meet you. Man, you look familiar. Have we met before?”
“I guess it’s possible,” I reply. I see Ari stiffen from the corner of my eye. I wonder what that’s about. We haven’t done many parties or events in the areas, but my company has taken on a few personal jobs for high profile sport’s stars in the area. I get the eerie feeling I’ve seen him before too.