To be honest, I haven't thought much about it. "What I want is to rest. Maybe in a town like Thornton. No tech, no one worrying what I can do except for the fact I have little other skills. I'm a computer programmer."
"Well, you're a reasonably decent shot, so you might enjoy taking up hunting."
I giggle, almost forgetting Meyer stormed off just a few minutes ago. "That's a terrible idea. Lately, I've longed for a food printer."
Aron smiles, melting my heart a fraction. No, greater than a fraction.
"I've always liked your sense of humor," he says, looking at the floor. "Would you have gone through with it?"
"Gone through with what?" I ask.
"The spouse pairing contract. If we were still in Elore. Even though … you know. Meyer."
Heat burns in my chest. Aron was my Affinity mission, but he was more than that. Or at least he could have been.
"Yes," I whisper.
Aron's gaze lifts my way and he stands straighter. "And now?"
My eyes grow wide as he moves toward me. I should tell him to stop, but beyond reason, I don't. Part of me wants to find out what he's planning to do, but even if I tried to prevent him I have no time before he gently slips his hands around my waist, sending a thrill through my body. His lips, soft and warm, touch mine. Really, I should stop him now. Instead, my arms wind over his shoulders and my lips return as many kisses as he gives.
A sound in the hall snaps me back to the reality beyond kissing and I pull from him.
"Aron, this is wrong."
He takes a step back, dropping his hands from my waist and crossing his arms over his chest. Hurt and disappointment washes over his face.
I reach up and stroke his cheek, grazing my finger over the spot where his dimple would be if he smiled. I ache to kiss him again, just to experience it, but it's not right. Not now.
"I don't know much about love yet, but I do know I might love Meyer, and I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt you either," I say.
He shifts from me, but I inch forward to look him in the eyes.
"Here's what I think: I'm all you know out here, and this is your attempt to cling to the known, the comfortable. You're amazing. I've thought so since the day I met you. It would have been an honor to be your pairing, and you're right, we would have known happiness. But I need to explore what I have with Meyer, and I can't unless we're just friends."
Aron nods his head sadly. "I'm sorry. It was unfair of me to put you in a position you didn't intend to be in. I'm not thinking clearly."
A wave of exhaustion and guilt sweeps over me, and I know I'm not thinking clearly either. What I need is to go to bed and forget any of this happened, but instead I have to talk with Meyer.
"Go to bed, Aron," I say. "Everything will be better in the morning."
But I know it won't be. There's too much at stake beyond stolen kisses.
Chapter
Twenty
Meyer's voice echoes from the eating area, and the brick in my stomach drops again. To get to my room, I must go that way. I straighten my shoulders and begin to walk, carefully placing one foot ahead of the other so as to not make my footsteps heard. Instead of speeding up as I should, I slow near the open doorway.
"Meyer, there are times in everyone's life where they have to let go of control," Gabrielle whispers, but despite that I can hear. "This is one of those times in yours. You don't make choices for others, only yourself."
I close my eyes and listen to the conversation, knowing I should move on. But how do I sneak past without them seeing me?
I gather myself up and make a break past the opening.
"Avlyn," Gabrielle says.
My heart drops at her beckon. Can't we sleep on this tonight?
I pause and turn toward them. Meyer and Gabrielle sit at the table, steaming drinks in front of them. Meyer's face is still slightly pinched into an annoyed expression. From the looks of it, he didn't expect Gabrielle to call me in here either.
"Hon, would you like to join us for tea?" she asks, her eyes gleaming enough for me to know she did this purposely.
"Um––"
"You should. Tea always seems to help." Gabrielle stands and pulls out the chair beside her at the table, its legs scratching over the concrete flooring. Not waiting for an answer, she steps to the counter and grabs a navy-blue cup and saucer from the cabinet, filling it with hot water from the tap at the sink. She reaches into a box, retrieves a packet and tosses it into the cup, saying, "Come, have a seat."
I ask Meyer if it's okay with my eyes and he motions for me to sit. Hesitating, I shuffle my way into the room and slide into the chair next to Gabrielle but across from Meyer.
Meyer stares into his own cup and lifts it to his lips, gulping the remainder of his tea. "I need sleep," he says after he's drained it.
"You sure?" Gabrielle asks, placing my cup and saucer down.
"Yep." Meyer looks at me while rising and nudges his cup and saucer into the center of the table. "Night, Avlyn. Gabrielle."
The anger and frustration from earlier is gone, replaced by a flat, distant expression. Honestly, I don't know what to make of it. He turns back to me and lightly touches my shoulder.
"Sorry about what happened. I'm just tired. I'll apologize to Aron tomorrow."
His words only make me feel worse for the kiss. "Night," is all I get out before he exits the room, leaving Gabrielle and me alone. I sigh. "I should do the same."
"What should you do? Get upset and overreact when life doesn't go the way you expect?" she asks in a completely matter-of-fact way. "The world is full of the unexpected. It's not worth getting worked up over. Believe me, I spent enough time in my life trying."
I chuckle lightly. "Gabrielle? Why did you settle out here? Without Jayson?"
"Oooh …" A crooked smile falls over her lips. "Getting right to business?"
"Well, you brought me in here for a reason. I figure maybe we should understand each other a little better."
"Touché." She glances up at the clock on the wall. "You have some time?"
I ignore the tiredness of my mind and body, giving Gabrielle my full attention. "All the time you need."
Gabrielle takes a sip of her tea and then motions to mine. "How about I start before all that? Probably nineteen years ago. I didn't want to be a member of Affinity anymore. Jayson and I were together for several years, and I was pregnant with Sanda. We existed as nomads and I hated it. With the prospect of having a family, I needed to settle down."
"So you left him?" I ask as I lift the soaked packet of tea from the cup and place it on the side of the saucer.
She shrugs. "Jayson and I were on and off for years. I thought if I left with our daughter, he'd come. For a while he did, but more often than not, he was away on some mission. He was too drawn to the cause. While I fell away from it and focused on Sanda, Jayson stayed connected to Affinity. He always came back to us because, in the end, we loved each other, but Sanda and I were on our own a lot. Then, one day, Jayson came home with Meyer. He was little and his parents had just been killed. We lived happily for many years. I think raising Meyer was a way for Jayson to bridge his desire to support Affinity and have a family life. But he hung onto the cause, and since Sanda idolized him, she got the bug. Then Meyer followed her directly into Affinity. He worried about them and it was a good excuse to work his way back into the rebellion—to keep an eye on them."
"What did you do?" I ask.
"Eventually, I decided to settle here. It's a safe place, and I knew he wouldn't worry too much. Over the years, I always welcomed Jayson when he returned home. I loved Jayson, but I didn't intend to control him, and he didn't want to push me into an existence I didn't long for either."
"So you simply let him go?"
What if Meyer and I end up wanting different lives? Will I have to let him go?
"Oh, it feels that simple now," she says. "There were plenty of fights, but none matter anymore. Jayson did what he believed he was me
ant to do."
"I don't get it. You supported Jayson's choices. Why didn't you want to be a member of Affinity?"
Gabrielle drifts back and takes a sip of tea. "Oh, what Ruiz is doing is noble, but I'm not an adventurer. Never have been. One of the requirements of Affinity is you must be willing to be in the field, on the front lines. I'm kind of a ‘behind the scenes' person. I couldn't commit myself to it, but Jayson did." She places her tea on the table and leans into me. "But don't get me wrong, I occasionally do what I can from here. It's why Meyer brought you to me. He knew I'd be willing. For him and Sanda. And Jayson."
Sadness sweeps her face, and it's the first time I've seen her show any emotion over the loss of Jayson. I think in her arrangement with him she must have grown used to hiding her emotions, tucking them away. She loved him, but they desired incompatible lives.
Gabrielle leans back in her chair, face contorted in an effort to hold back tears. I reach for her, gently patting her arm.
"I want everything to turn out ok."
"I know you do, dear." Gabrielle rises, wiping at her eyes. "Everyone does, and this is our one shot. Despite my personal want to stay out of politics, even I know you're on the right path."
I rub my eyes. Am I? "It would be safer for me to mind my own business."
"You should get to bed," she says. "I should get to bed."
Sleep won't come with the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I don't tell Gabrielle. She obviously needs her privacy. Instead, I nod and thank her for the tea as she makes her way from the eating area, no doubt to her room, leaving me in silence.
Finally, my body droops from the effects of an exhausting day. I take a drink of my now-lukewarm tea. The minty liquid fills my mouth.
After I wash and put away the used tea cups, I shuffle through the silent hall, the lone sound coming from my feet. On the way, I pass the shut door to the guys' sleeping quarters. Wonder how that went, Aron and Meyer sharing a room? I guess if secrets were shared, I'd probably already know about it, even at this late hour. It would be stupid for Aron to brag to Meyer he kissed me—and that I happened to kiss him back—but out-of-control emotions make us do dumb things we don't want to, and Aron's getting his feet wet with his emotional self.
If only I could understand people the same way I understand computer systems. Life would be considerably easier.
Once in my room, I flop onto my cot, not bothering to change my clothes. Lying here alone, the smell of sweat and dirt meets my nose, making me regret not changing sooner. How Aron kissed me, I'm unsure anymore, but there's nobody around to smell me but myself, and while taking a shower sounds great in theory, I'd have to get up for that to happen.
If there ever was a time when a dose of sleep MedTech would be useful, it's now. But since I have none I toss and turn with the thoughts of Father stuck in New Philly haunts me. I've been too busy and wrapped up in other problems, but who knows what he's experiencing. He probably thinks I've abandoned him. Then there's Kyra's vid, publicly announcing me as a traitor. To them I am, but it's not as if the words are comforting.
Tightness creeps through my center at the thought. A month ago, I was nobody. Regular. Invisible. I liked it.
How did I get here?
I suck in a deep breath to try to loosen the tension building in my core, but fail. I flick on my EP and reach for my Flexx to look for a distraction, since I won't be sleeping, bringing up information concerning Thornton and other similar towns. While most of it is fascinating and different from everything I know, something I saw especially piques my interest. That horse I saw tied up in Thornton.
In Elore, we barely knew of any animals. Direction found them purposeless. There was no want for meat if we all had food printers, and no requirement for companionship if we weren't supposed to need it, but horses? I hadn't seen anything like one in real life until today. Majestic and beautiful, I still can't believe they let people sit on them.
I visualize myself on the horse, how it might feel to be so tall and have to trust an animal to take me where I wanted to travel. It's a little silly. Flying used to terrify me, but the idea of riding a horse somehow calls to my soul. Maybe it's a means of escape, but I think it's more.
"Wonder how you ride a horse?" I mumble.
Unexpectedly, the EP transports me to a virtual dirt road. I squint at the bright sun and raise my hands to my eyes to search the simulation. It feels real. More than real. A relief.
Warm rays of light settle on my bare shoulders, and I look down to a white top with no sleeves and a pair of tan pants. A snort comes from behind me, and I swing around to see a tall golden horse, its flowing mane a slightly darker shade. On its back rests a type of covering, and straps wrap surround its head and mouth. The beast bobs its head at me and makes a snorting sound once more, as if to beckon me over. If animals could speak, it might invite me anyway. I suppose in here horses could talk if I programmed them to, but instructions fly across the bottom of my vision instead.
Instructions to mount the horse:
Hold the reins in your left hand.
Overlaying the straps affixed to the horse's head and mouth is an illumination indicating that they are named the bridle and reins. To me, it seems close to impossible for me to maneuver myself to the animal's back and saddle, according to the EP. It's so tall. But life is about impossibility these days, so I suck in a breath to calm my nervous stomach and try not to overthink the process. Directions scroll in my vision, and I follow them.
Somehow, it works. Soon enough, I find myself on top of the horse, the animal walking us along the dirt road, me holding the reins. The warm sun and the breeze flowing between the trees is a sharp contrast to the actual crisp autumn weather outside, and I want to take the time to enjoy it.
Will I see an actual summer again?
"Horse, run," I say without hesitation.
The beast accelerates into a trot, as shown in my vision. Then it builds, increasing speed until the scenery around us is little more than a blur. I lean forward and draw in the rush as the wind blows the hair off my face.
This is what freedom is.
All I can think about is how I need to share my new favorite place with Meyer.
Chapter
Twenty-One
My EP wakes me at 4:45 am, and, strangely, the heaviness in my body has lifted. I take in a breath and slowly let it escape. To be honest, I don't know where the sim of the horse-riding lesson ended and sleep began. I must have dozed off at some point, but I can't remember exiting the program.
But anyway, the new day is more hopeful. Even at this early hour.
After peeling my clothes from myself and quickly showering, I head to the lab to find Ben. He's already seated on a chair when I get there, eyes closed, as if lost in thought. Maybe he's asleep. Five is too early to be awake.
As I step toward him, he slowly opens his eyes.
"Morning, Avlyn." He gives me a strange half smile that's mixed with curiosity. "What did you do last night?"
My mind muddles with what to tell him. I hadn't considered he'd pick up my emotional state from the argument with Meyer, and then Aron's kiss.
"I taught myself to ride a horse?" I say quickly. I'm sure he knows it's a partial truth. Should be plenty to distract him, though.
Ben's half smile morphs into disbelief. "You did what?"
"In town, I saw a horse. Meyer told me people ride them. It sounded amazing, so I used a training sim to teach me how to do it. I think I learned a lot, but I fell asleep, so who knows." I jitter with excitement from the memory of the wind in my hair and the illusion of freedom. "Have you ridden before?"
Ben shoots me a wry smile. He definitely knows I'm avoiding a conversation. Heat crawls up my back and neck, but he doesn't pry.
"A few times as a kid. I was never great at it. Guess I didn't like it enough to make a training sim. Once I moved to New Philly, it wasn't as if I needed to learn to ride one anymore."
"Well, you should try it with me somet
ime. It seriously is one of the best things I've done."
"You obviously enjoyed it, so I will." He spins on his chair to face the blank screen. "You ready to work?"
I nod. Thankfully, Ben doesn't press for extra information about last night. "That's why I'm here. What do you want to do? Work on taking out the grid?"
"Not yet. But I was up late thinking, too. I believe if we strengthen our connection, the ability will increase. You know how I reached out to you through visions in Elore?"
"Of course. Telepathy or something."
"Yeah. It seems like your ability's growth has blocked that from happening like it was. All I get now is emotions when we're at a distance, which is amazing, but we can do better. I've theorized that a reciprocal connection will allow us to function more effectively within the system."
"It would be beneficial for keeping in contact, too."
"Exactly." Ben rises and gestures for me to sit in the unoccupied chair beside his. "I constructed a visual program that I think will help us get past the blockage."
Excitement wells in me to see what he's done. "Let's get going."
He activates Gabrielle's system with a touch. The screen comes awake with stats and information related to prior testing sessions. He taps on the keyboard to set up today's data.
"Go ahead and attach the monitor to your temple."
I pick up the disc on the arm of my chair and affix it to my head, the identical way Gabrielle has done in the past. Ben does the same and stretches out the wiring coming from the system, pressing it to his temple.
"What do I do when I get in?"
"That's up to you. I created the program, but it customizes to you."
I give him a quizzical look, unsure what that means, but decide not to worry about it. "Ready when you are."
Ben returns to his seat and reaches for my hand. I accept it and clear my thoughts. A cool, icy feeling deluges me. Blue. It's the only way to describe it. I concentrate on the strange sensation of experiencing a color and try to interpret what it represents emotionally, what Ben is trying to communicate. Once more, Meyer's advice comes back to me.
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