by Londyn Skye
Lily was surprised that James actually had an interest in her thoughts. It caught her a little off guard and made her hesitant to speak at first. She bought a little time for herself by wandering over and plucking a leaf off of a nearby tree. “You’d just laugh if I told ya’,” she finally thought to say.
“Try me.”
Again, Lily hesitated. “Well, wheneva’ I’m tryna let my mind escape from my troubles, I always daydream about what it’d be like to…” She stopped, suddenly feeling that maybe her intimate thoughts were not something she should share, especially with James.
“To what? Please, go on.”
“I-I ain’t neva’ said these things out loud before. Don’t know how foolish it might sound.”
“Your innermost thoughts and secrets are safe with me.”
“Promise you won’t laugh?”
“You have my word, Miss Lily.”
There was something endearing about the way James added “Miss” to her name. She liked it. Lily looked over at him a moment, hesitated again, but then decided she would trust him with her thoughts on this occasion. She was too nervous to gaze at him while speaking, though, so she turned back toward the water. “Well, I daydream about what it’d be like to walk into town wearin’ one ‘a them real pretty summa’ dresses, totin’ me a purse. Nothin’ fancy, ya’ know, just be nice to have one to carry my things,” she said, nervously fiddling with the leaf in her hand. “Anyway, I walks into one ‘a the stores to buy me some groceries, and some ‘a the town’s white folks are in there, and they actually smile at me when I walk past ’em. Some of ’em even stop and talk to me ’bout things goin’ on in they lives and such. Even the clerk asks me how I been doin’ when I get to the counta’ and hand ’em my money. We chat for a moment, then he smiles and wishes me well. He even tells me to come back soon when he gets done givin’ me my change.
“I walk outside in the fresh air afta’wards and start makin’ my way back home. I look up and it ain’t a cloud in the sky. It ain’t too hot and it ain’t too cold, so I decide to take my time walkin’. All the way home, I’m passin’ one white person afta’ anotha’, but they don’t run off and find the sheriff, they don’t ask to see my papers, they don’t sic no dogs on me, or look around to see if my masta’ is nearby keepin’ watch ova’ me. They simply wave, or smile, or ask, ‘how do you do?’ like it ain’t nothin’ to see a Negro woman walkin’ down the road in a summa’ dress, totin’ a purse, and an arm full ‘a groceries.
“Then I finally get back to my house. It ain’t a big house … but it’s home. I get my groceries out and start fixin’ dinna’. By the time I get finished I…” she paused, feeling a little embarrassed to continue.
“Go on. Then what?” James asked, truly eager to hear what was hidden in her thoughts.
Lily nervously fiddled with the leaf in her hand again. “Then I hear my husband comin’ up to the house on his horse,” she continued, smiling sheepishly. “I walks on outside and wait for ’em on the porch. He gets off his horse, walks up the steps, and hugs and kisses me like he ain’t seen me in years, even though he only been off workin’ for a few hours.” Her smile broadened like she could feel his arms around her. “I pour ’em some lemonade that I just made fresh, and then he sits on the porch swing with me, wraps his arm around me, and asks me ’bout my day. I tell ’em how I been into town, and ’bout all the folks I seen and talked to, and how nice everybody was to me. We sit there talkin’ and laughin’ ’til we see our children runnin’ home in the distance. We stand up and watch ’em racin’ each otha’ down the dirt path. But they ain’t runnin’ away from no dogs, or no evil men chasin’ ’em, or worried ’bout a sheriff gettin’ ’em … ’cause the day I brought ’em into the world, they was free. Me and my children … we free. They don’t know nothin’ about chains, and auction blocks, o-or worryin’ ’bout bein’ sold away from they family, or runnin’ for they lives. They’s just runnin’ home from the schoolhouse as fast as they little legs’ll carry ’em, ’cause they miss they mama and daddy … And that’s the only worry they eva’ known in they little lives.”
James was totally silent when Lily finished. There was nothing but the sound of leaves in the surrounding trees rustling in the wind for what felt like an eternity to Lily.
“Foolish thinkin’, ain’t it?” Lily asked, feeling uncomfortable with the silence.
James could not look at her for fear that the tears her story had stirred in him might actually fall. “Not in the least, Miss Lily. Not in the least.”
After listening to Lily, James found himself viewing the world from a different perspective, just as he had so many times in the past. It gave him such insight, not only into her mind, but into the mind of a slave and how something so simple could mean so much to them. James’s tears had begun to surface knowing that the pretty dress, the simple purse, and even the home were things he could easily pay to give Lily. But a Negro walking down a road free of chains and being greeted by every white person with a smile or a ‘how do you do?’ had a price tag labeled IMPOSSIBLE! It bothered James deeply to know that it was a luxury he could never afford to give Lily. Not only that, but he knew that her freedom rested in the hands of a man who would surely die first before allowing her to have such a thing.
Despite the reality of how sad the story was, James still admired the simplicity of Lily’s dreams, and that she was a woman who was never impressed by extravagance. She had not daydreamed of a faraway vacation, a trip to a stage play, or even a lavish home. She simply wanted to go to a store alone in town and be greeted with kindness and return to her simple home to prepare an intimate meal for the family she loved.
Although he could not empathize with Lily about how grand it would be to walk to a store, James certainly understood and shared the part of her dream about having a family to come home to. In his dream, Lily was the only woman he had ever imagined as his wife and the mother of the children he desperately wanted with her. Quite often, he had envisioned their little ones with dark curly hair, their mother’s lovely skin tone, and her beautiful sparkling eyes. His dreams lived on despite learning that not only did his father forbid such unions, but so too did the laws. So, while listening to Lily’s story, James could not help but wonder the identity of the man who had the honor of calling himself her husband and the father of her children. The thoughts were starting to weigh him down. He wanted to change the subject and think no more about the complexities that stood as an enormous wall between himself and a woman who unknowingly owned all of his heart, a woman that he had no regrets about giving it to either, despite what his father and any unjust laws had to say about it.
James cleared his throat before speaking again to be sure that Lily did not hear any emotional breaks in his voice. “The piano. I assume you escape there too in times that you’re feelin’ down?” he asked her, trying to steer the conversation in another direction.
Lily nodded. “I don’t know what I’d’ve done without it all these years. All my tears, my worries, my fears, and my pain, I lock ‘em all up in songs to help ease my troubled mind. Just don’t know what I’d’ve done without it,” she reiterated, her voice trailing off as she dug deep in her mind for what the alternatives may have been.
“I don’t know how you do it. Don’t matta’ how much time my mama spent trainin’ me on that thing, I ain’t neva’ see that piano ‘a hers as nothin’ more than a pine box with ivory keys. It ain’t neva’ make any sense to me. None whatsoeva’.”
“So many things in the world don’t make no sense to me. Don’t make no sense how I can be a human who thinks, talks, senses, feels, and even loves, just like everybody else. But just ’cause I’s born in a darker wrapper than white folks, I’m treated like an animal. Long as I live, I’ll neva’ unda’stand that. The only thing in my whole life that’s eva’ made complete sense to me is the piano. It ain’t nothin’ I can explain.” Lily shrugged her shoulders. “Somehow it just does.”
Again, Lily had infused Jame
s’s mind with a different point of view. He had never even considered that a slave would think of themselves on the level of an animal. At times, he found it too difficult to hear of such things, especially after the way he had treated Lily before departing for Ohio University. He was not yet ready to face all that he had done, so he was sure to continue steering the conversation into safer territory. “So, how did it feel? The otha’ night, I mean, playin’ in front ‘a all those people?”
“I love playin’ the piano and all, and I usually feel so at peace, but that night I ain’t neva’ felt so terrified in all my life with all them people lookin’ at me. There wasn’t nothin’ peaceful about it. Thought my heart was gonna beat its way outta my chest. But then…” she paused, remembering what James had said to her before she sat down to play. “Somehow I found the strength to get through it. But when it was all ova’ and wasn’t nobody clappin’ like they was for that Richard fella’, I-I didn’t really know what to think. But even if nobody else cared for it, I’s proud ‘a myself, ’cause I knew I put all my heart into that song,” she admitted, once again remembering the four words that James had whispered to her that ignited such motivation.
“Well, I’m quite certain the reason they didn’t react had nothin’ to do with you playin’ badly. I think they just couldn’t make any sense of it, Lily. I know I couldn’t at first and neitha’ could William. Hell, I think most folks would have to live four lifetimes ’fore they eva’ meet somebody again who’s capable of what you do. So, I don’t think you can blame everybody for bein’ in a state ‘a shock. Personally, I think everybody was amazed by you, but they just didn’t know how to show it, or maybe they were just flat out afraid.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
James picked up a rock. “That audience may have been hesitant, but there’s certainly one person who ain’t afraid to tell me how he feels about you,” he said, skipping the rock across the lake.
“Who’s that?”
“William. He’s mighty fond ‘a you, ya’ know? You’re all he eva’ talks about. He goes on and on for hours about you sometimes.”
Lily smiled. She had grown close to William rather quickly during their morning piano sessions. “I really like Mr. William too. He’s been awfully kind to me. I bet all his students at that fancy school really loved ’em too. You just can’t help but love a man like him.”
Hearing how Lily felt about William, James turned toward her, finally feeling ready to ask what William had sent him there for. “Lily, I need to ask you somethin’,” he said, suddenly sounding very serious.
The way James was looking at her suddenly made her nervous. “Is something wrong?”
“No. Not at all. You rememba’ Anna Mae and Ben tellin’ you about William bein’ an orchestra conducta’ and composa’, and about how he’s performed all ova’ the United States?”
“Of course.”
“Well, William told me today that, for the first time in years, he’s wantin’ to put on anotha’ concert. He misses bein’ onstage a lot, and well…” James paused a moment to be sure that the next thing he was about to say came out the way he wanted. “Well, he was wonderin’ how you’d feel about lettin’ ’em use your music for his show? He said he’d write all the accompaniment for the rest ‘a the orchestra and conduct the show, but he wants every song that’s played to stem from your personal collection.”
Lily’s astonishment was apparent by the look on her face. She was stunned that a man of William’s caliber would ever consider using her material. “He wants to use my music?” she asked in disbelief.
“He sure does. He thinks many ‘a the arrangements he’s already heard you play are phenomenal. He’s confident that everyone else would say so too. So, what do ya’ think?”
“I think I…” Lily’s bewilderment caused her words to get lost in her mind. “I think I find that nearly impossible to believe.”
“Believe it. He asked me to ask you just this mornin’.”
“B-but I don’t know how to write the music I hear in my mind. I only know how to play it,” she replied, feeling a bit embarrassed about that fact. She sheepishly turned to stare out at the water again, wondering how she would ever pull off such a feat.
“Well, you wouldn’t have to worry about that.”
“I wouldn’t?”
“No,” James assured her.
“Well, why not?”
James walked in front of Lily and blocked her view of the lake to be sure it was he who held her attention. “Because it’s you that he wants to play the piano durin’ the entire show.”
Lily’s heart immediately began to pound mercilessly against her chest, pumping fear into every inch of her body. “Me? H-how would I eva’ be able to do that? Wouldn’t nobody eva’ let somebody like me play in a…”
“Don’t you worry about that, eitha’,” James interrupted, already knowing exactly what she was thinking. “William has a way.”
“But how? Th-this wouldn’t just be some gala in the middle ‘a William’s library. I mean, th-this would surely be a huge audience, right? In an elaborate theata’? I-I just, I don’t unda’stand how it would eva’ be possible,” she rambled, trying to spit out every question that had overtaken her mind all at once. “Is he certain this is what he’d wanna do?”
“I unda’stand that you probably have a million questions, but the only thing you need to worry yourself about for now is whetha’ or not you’re willin’ to play by William’s side. Let William handle the rest.”
Lily’s mind continued racing, and her eyes were darting nervously from place to place, as if she would somehow find the answers lying in front of her. Recalling Tucker McCormick’s rude statements and everyone else’s lackadaisical response after her performance suddenly had her doubting herself. “I-I just don’t know about this. M-maybe William should get someone else. I don’t think I can…”
“Lily, wait, please just listen to me a moment,” James interrupted, wanting to stop her before she could continue to talk herself out of it. He then took her gently by the shoulders to help calm her. “Lily, please look at me.” He proceeded to talk again when she finally relaxed enough to look at him. “William couldn’t possibly conceive of anotha’ person he’d ratha’ have the honor of sharin’ the stage with,” he explained. “Because it was you who inspired him to perform again.”
Lily did not respond at first, but her face certainly expressed how moved she was by his statement. She slowly pulled away from James’s grip and turned toward the lake again, feeling the sudden need to be comforted by the glistening waters, just as she always had been as a child.
“Trust me,” James said, walking up behind her. “If you say yes to this, it would mean the world to William.”
“Forgive me if I’m outta place for sayin’ this, but I know the fact that you brought me here to meet William, and everything else that’s been happenin’, ain’t all been some kinda coincidence. I just … I don’t unda’stand. Why you doin’ this for me?” she asked softly, a little fearful of his answer.
James stepped in front of her, blocked her view of the lake again, and waited for her to look at him. Lily was slow in doing so, but when she did, he answered with the sincerest tone in his voice. “’Cause I’ve been inspired by you too, Lily. Have been since the day I heard you playin’ my mama’s piano,” he admitted. “The way you play and seein’ all that you’re capable of without eva’ havin’ had help from anyone … It’s truly remarkable.”
Feeling moved yet again by his words, Lily closed her eyes and said nothing in return. She just wanted to hear it echoing again in her mind.
“Listen, I know all ‘a this may seem surreal, and maybe you’re a little afraid. I can unda’stand that,” James continued. “So whetha’ you decide to play with William or not is completely up to you of course, but…”
“But what?”
“I’d give everything I have to see you up there on that stage with William. You’re amazin’ Lily. And if you deci
de this is what you wanna do, come hell or high wata’, I’ll be damned if I eva’ miss a minute.”
After having lost her belief in James’s ability to say anything kind to her, Lily stood there speechless again. She assumed that she was bound to wake up at any moment, that the things she was hearing were only possible in her dreams.
“But ultimately, it’s all up to you,” James continued.
“I thank you kindly for your words, I really do. It means more to me than you’ll eva’ know,” Lily finally managed to say, staring at James as if the man she knew him to be years ago had finally reappeared before her very eyes. “But this is all so unexpected, and I really don’t know what to say.”
“I see,” James replied, a twinge of disappointment evident in his tone. “I completely unda’stand your reservations. But will you at least take the time to think about it a while before you make a permanent decision, and then let us know?”
“Yes. I promise I will.”
“Take your time, okay?”
“Okay.”
Despite his overwhelming desire to spend the rest of the day by Lily’s side, talking and rebuilding the broken bridge between them, James figured it would be best to give her time to think things through alone. So, he forced himself to walk away, leaving Lily to contemplate the outcome of her future for the first time in her life.
As James walked away, Lily thought about the fact that Auntie was the only person who had ever heard her play piano up until a few weeks ago. For Lily, music had been a simple thing that brought her comfort, joy, and a means of escape. But now, here her music was being praised by one of the world’s finest composers, with the chance to be unburied from the secret world of her mind and heard by thousands. Lily had never once given thought to the idea of that level of vulnerability, nor considered the impact, or how it might make her feel. Contemplating it all had momentarily ceased her ability to give even the simplest reply, until one thing came rushing back to her mind. “James!” she called out before he had gotten too far.