by Lara Swann
I just hate that I have to.
“Yeah. Yeah I think I will.” I sigh, even though his voice lightens on the other end.
“That’s good news, Kenneth. I’ll draw up potential alternatives and options if we lose some of the funds anyway…but I’m not going to lie, it will look painful if it comes to that.”
“I know. Thanks, Harry.”
He clicks off with obvious relief and I sigh again, closing my eyes as I lean back in my chair.
I’m pretty sure that if I go to New York, I’ll be able to fix this problem. For the moment. But I’m starting to get nervous about this lawsuit. If they rule against me, that’s it, the funds will disappear and ExVenture…
They won’t rule against you. You’re in the right.
I just wish I fully trusted them to see that.
For the first time, just briefly, the thought of settlement flashes across my mind. But I can’t. I can’t bring myself not to take this thing on and beat it. I didn’t do anything. I refuse to pay out money that says I did.
Damn you, Danielle. If I see you face-to-face again…
I shake my head. There’s not much that makes me feel physically violent, but right now, this is getting there. It’s screwing up my life.
I don’t know how I’m going to tell Abbie that I have to go away again. I promised her that I wouldn’t need to for a long time now - for months - and the idea of going back on that has my guts twisting.
I promised.
I step outside my office, looking for Jessica. To discuss making arrangements for another trip to New York, of course, but also…I don’t know...maybe it’s stupid to want to talk to her about it all, considering how things are between us at the moment, but the instinct is still there.
Except the desk is clear and she’s nowhere in sight - and I belatedly glance up at the time.
Six o’clock.
I hadn’t noticed how late it’s become. She must have left a while ago.
“Damn.” I mutter, shaking my head.
As I gather my things together and prepare to leave, the empty office and desk outside leaves me feeling strangely alone. A little empty, I guess, compounded by the disappointment of this trip to New York I’m going to have to make.
I can’t shake it on the way home - even when Abbie runs to the door and I catch her in my arms for our usual spin-and-hug. She makes me smile as always, but somehow, nothing feels quite right.
Before Kara leaves, I encourage Abbie to put on one of her favorite cartoons so that I can talk to her Nanny about this trip.
“Kara.” I say quietly, pulling her aside. “I know it’s short notice, but are you available to look after Abbie next week. I’ve got an urgent business trip to New York coming up.”
The look of disbelief I get in response isn’t at all encouraging, but this isn’t the first time I’ve asked her to step in last minute - she’s usually able to move things around or make it work.
“Next week?” She shakes her head. “Sorry, no, Jason and I are going flat-hunting in Jefferson City - actually, I was going to ask if we could work something out for that. It’s a long drive to do back and forth each evening. Could we get someone to cover some of those afternoons - maybe Martha or—”
“Jefferson City?” I interrupt, totally confused.
“Yeah.” She grins, obviously enthused. “Jason got a job out there and we’re finally taking the plunge to move in together - it’ll be my first time doing that, kind of scary, but…you know…exciting too.”
Wait, what?
“You’re moving to Jefferson City? When?”
“Well, depends how long it takes to find a place and get all that sorted - but about a month, I expect. Jason’s job starts then, anyway, so I really hope we’ll have it sorted by then and—”
“Kara.” I say, stopping her there, my voice hard despite my attempt to soften it. “Just when were you going to tell me all this? I assume you’re not planning to commute back down here for Abbie?”
She blinks, caught mid-flow, and then pauses as she looks at me.
“Well…no. We only just figured it all out ourselves, of course, but I was going to talk to you about it tonight - I wanted to discuss how you wanted us to talk to Abbie about it - but I didn’t think it would be a problem. You already said you were looking for someone else to help out, someone Abbie might take to the same way she did with me, and from the sounds of it this Jessica you’ve found is perfect, so—”
That sends a jolt right through me.
What the hell?!
I stare at her, shocked. “What on earth made you think—where did you hear about Jessica?!”
Kara frowns, confusion playing over her smooth features. “Abbie talks about her all the time - she seems to adore her. It’s great, really, I was a little worried - and I know I’m going to miss her loads - but it’s a relief to know that she’ll be happy—”
“Kara.” I grind out. “Jessica isn’t—she’s not—she’s a work colleague, not a new Nanny. I had to take Abbie into work while you were sick and she helped out a little there - and since she came with me to New York, they spent a little time together, but that’s all.”
“Oh. Oh god.”
Realization crosses her face and I feel slightly vindicated as she processes everything I’ve just had to absorb myself.
“Shit. Oops, sorry—but—god.” She runs a hand through her hair. “I’m sorry, Kenneth - really I am. I thought it was already sorted.”
“Well, it’s not.” I say grimly, my own stomach sinking as the enormity of what she’s just announced really starts hitting me.
“But…you did say you were searching for another Nanny, right?” She asks hopefully. “How’s that going?”
“Ugh.” I shake my head. “Not well.”
I’ve tried, on and off, but there have been so many other things going on and somehow there’s never enough time and never the right candidates and—damn.
I’m not going to have a choice now.
“Kara, you can’t just…” I start, feeling thoroughly frustrated. “You’re leaving in one month?”
I can’t believe this is happening now, on top of everything else. It feels like everything is being pulled out from under me.
And Abbie…
“You can’t just leave a four-year-old like that, damn it Kara, what’s that going to do to Abbie?”
She flushes, shifting uncomfortably, but she still gives me a determined look.
“Look, I’m sorry about all this, really I am.” She shakes her head. “But…I told you last year that I wouldn’t be able to do this forever. It’s a full-time job, what you want, and that’s never what I was looking for. I took it and I’ve done the last minute overnight stays and covered your week-long trips because I really do care about Abbie - she’s a wonderful little girl and I want the best for her - but it’s never been easy. I’m taking evening classes on top of all that, swamped with assignments…it’s hard, Kenneth. You’ve been talking about looking for someone else so many times now and it’s never happened and I—I just—”
She turns away, obviously annoyed and emotional herself and guilt stabs through me.
Shit.
Did she tell me last year?
Maybe. I might remember something…
And I knew she was studying, too, that she wasn’t convinced about the kind of responsibility I needed someone to take at the start…but I thought she’d gotten used to it, that she was happy about it in the end. I thought it had all turned out fine.
I didn’t realize that when I’d mentioned to her I might look for another Nanny who could commit more often, she was relieved - or expecting it. I’d talked about it with her so that she knew, in case she had any concerns or issues with it…but she never had, so I hadn’t thought anything of it.
In reality, I’d probably been too busy to spare a moment to think about it. As always.
God damn it.
I take a seat at the table, feeling thoroughly defeated.<
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This whole time I’ve been wishing she’d do a bit more, be a little more willing to help out when I need it…and it looks like I was the one at fault.
Too demanding. Yet again. It seems like everyone I’ve ever worked with comes away with that impression, somehow.
“Look, I’ll do what I can to help out next week - I’ll stay for the full days - but I can’t rearrange the viewing appointments we’ve already made.” She turns back from where she’s pacing up and down the kitchen to lean against the counter, her arms folded. “And I’ll try and make it as easy as possible when we move. I’ll help you look for someone else, if you like, and help Abbie get used to them. I really did think it was all sorted.”
I nod slowly, still feeling overwhelmed with everything I suddenly have to deal with.
“Thanks.” I say quietly. “And…I’m sorry, too. I didn’t realize you were struggling with the job.”
That’s the least I can say, if she really has been finding it so difficult.
She gives me a look that makes me feel like she’s probably tried to tell me before, but then shrugs.
“That’s okay. It was worth it, you know, for Abbie. It’s just…there are other things I want to do with my life. Other things I want to be.”
I look at her for a moment and realize I really have no idea. I barely know her at all. She’s been working for me for three years now and…I only have the vaguest idea what she does when she’s not here. Of course, I don’t see all that much of her myself - typically, when I get here, she leaves - but even so.
Am I that uncaring?
Or just too distracted and busy?
Is there a difference?
I try to shake off the questions, but they’re things I’ve wondered for a long time, and it’s hard.
“I understand that.” I say finally, knowing Kara is waiting for a response. “I’ll step up the search for someone else and let you know when I have any news.”
She nods and there’s a moment of silence between us, before Abbie bounces into the room
“Daddy! I’m hungry!”
I look over at her and can’t help but smile. There’s only so long I ever get uninterrupted time to talk to someone with my little girl around.
Though usually, I can count on the cartoons to keep her absorbed for far longer. The suspicious part of me wonders whether she’s getting a little sensitive to these adult conversations now - and worries that it might be because she’s anxious that they mean I’m going away again.
Which she’d be right about.
It seems unlikely, but it continually surprises me what she can pick up on.
“Well, I’d better leave you both to dinner…” Kara says, looking at me.
I nod. “Right, of course. Abbie, say goodbye to Kara now.”
“Bye, Kara!” Abbie reaches up and Kara leans down to hug her goodbye, a little more tightly than usual.
“Goodbye, little mischief. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Abbie nods but is already squirming out of her grip and running back to me.
“Thanks Kara.” I say, walking her out.
She nods again, gives us both a wave, and then leaves me to my daughter - and the overwhelming list of things I have to deal with.
I try to set it all aside as I made dinner and go through Abbie’s evening routine - dinner, a little playtime, then bath, stories and bed - but I’m not sure how successful I am.
That conversation with Kara left me no closer to an answer for the trip next week - and without a Nanny for the near future, too.
Dealing with just one of those things is going to be hard enough.
As she chatters away happily to me, telling me one long-winded story after another - or maybe that’s the same story, just with a tangent I missed somewhere - I wonder how I’m going to tell her about the trip coming up.
After I promised her I was done with them for a while.
I was thinking of telling her tonight, but now…I can’t bring myself to. Especially since I haven’t worked out who’s going to be looking after her or what we’re going to do. That’s not even fair to her.
“…and then me and Jessica went to the park and we…”
I blink, refocusing on Abbie as I lift her out of the bath and start toweling her dry.
Jessica again.
I almost shake my head.
Why does everything seem to involve Jessica these days?
Or maybe it just seems that way. No wonder Kara thought she was going to be my new Nanny.
If only.
I shake off that thought as I read Abbie a story and settle her down for bed, but it comes back to me later - when I’m slumped on the couch in exhaustion and trying to work out what the hell I’m going to do about all the different things that need my attention.
The lawsuit.
Kara leaving.
The trip next week.
How I’m going to tell Abbie about it.
Whatever is going on with Jessica at the moment.
Jessica. Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.
All my thoughts seem to come back to her.
Kara’s comment flashes through my mind again too, about how taken Abbie was with her and whether she could help out next week, so Kara could get to Jefferson City more easily.
I wish. Having her help out again would be the best option by far - taking them both away with me.
It worked so well last time. Abbie would be happy, the trip would go ahead, I could deal with the investors…and hell, maybe Jessica would even crack a smile again.
But after how it ended last time, I don’t know how I can suggest it. It’s gone from being slightly inappropriate to wildly and totally inappropriate. I can only imagine what Patrick might say.
Except…
It didn’t matter to her, did it?
That kiss.
She’s already forgotten it. She doesn’t seem to care at all.
It still feels a little wrong to start considering it, but…it’s not like I’m asking her to come with me to New York so we can kiss again. She’s my secretary. It would be useful. And she likes Abbie anyway.
It would solve so many problems, when you already have too many to think about right now.
If that kiss meant so little to her, she shouldn’t have a problem with it - and maybe spending some time around Abbie would bring back some of her spark. It would definitely make my little girl happy.
What the hell.
Why not?
Chapter Fourteen
Jessica
The days pass in a numb haze.
I spend as much time at Gramps’ bedside as possible, watching the painfully slow recovery and his obvious frustration at struggling with the most basic things. It breaks my heart to see it, but I sit there and tell him it’s all going to be okay anyway, that he’ll beat this.
I joke about how he’ll be wheeling down the halls of the care home in no time, terrorizing the nurses, and that they better watch out when he gets back to his feet properly, the way he always said he would - and try to smile, to tease him, to forget how painful it is for both of us that he’s been set so far back.
I have to believe that he’s still as determined about that as he always was. I have to believe it’s going to happen.
He does improve over those first few days. He starts to sit up, to move and try to do things for himself - he has to be reminded about little things, like how to feed himself, but they do start coming back. It leaves me almost holding my breath, hoping, waiting to see how far it will go - but however much I hope, there’s no denying that this time, it’s far worse.
His body is slightly slack and weakened on one side but that’s okay - he can still move it and I know the physiotherapy will help. Maybe even enough that he could walk again, the way he wants.
That’s not what worries me.
No, it’s when it starts becoming obvious that there’s something really wrong with his speech. I expect the confusion and exhaustion to wear off after that
first evening, but once that does…he still struggles to say anything. He tries - I can see him trying - but it seems to take a long time for his mouth to move and when it finally does, the words come out slow and garbled, a largely incoherent mumble that’s painful to hear.
He has trouble swallowing too and the doctors say it’s not uncommon, but damn it, I can still see him in there. His eyes bright and frustrated, that keen mind unable to express itself the way he always has. This is the part that’s important to him.
He gets support for it - physiotherapists and speech therapists and all sorts of people. I sign the forms without thinking about the bills or whether we can afford it. If I have to take out a loan for this, I’ll do it. All that’s important is that he can talk properly again - that he can communicate the way he wants to.
But they say it will be a long, slow process and I’m scared for him. I spend hours at his bedside, trying to learn, trying to understand the mumbled conversation he’s making and it hurts that I find it so hard.
He’s my grandfather. I should know what he’s saying.
I struggle to understand, to interpret and talk for him, to work out what he wants and needs - to make conversation and keep him entertained while he’s there, filling in the blanks for him with what I know he would have said. I answer the questions I know he’d want to ask - tell him about myself, lie and say I’m doing fine and looking after myself too, even if I can barely remember whether I had lunch that day or what on earth I might have had in it. I tell him that Pan is fine - the one thing that is true, since he’ll never forget to pester me for food, at least - and what the neighbors are up to, even though I don’t know and I’m largely just guessing for his benefit, because he’d want to know.
I help him with the exercises his speech therapist has given him and even though I know it kind of pisses him off to have me there helping him, I do it anyway, too desperate for him to start getting better not to be involved myself.
And I think it all might be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
After a few days, he’s discharged from the hospital and returns to the care home - and I know I have to go back to work. I can’t leave it much longer without some kind of explanation or conversation, and I can’t deal with that right now. I’ve only gotten away with this much because Kenneth…well, because Kenneth.